Moving Forwards

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Sending you a hug, if that's ok    Really wish I could bring you something to help the day be better, and whatever you need, I hope that you receive it. 
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Feeling for your recent mood dive (down). Mostly hoping your resilience and inner strength will get you through. 

[Armee]

((((((Blueberry))))))

I don't really think anything is wrong with you. I think you are receiving really really strong messages from your nervous system that something is not ok about this upcoming visit. Perhaps it is alerting you to the danger of being hurt, abused, taken advantage of, or criticized.

I'm sending you a big strong hug and some knowledge that you know how to protect yourself and keep yourself safe, you are learning that it is ok to set boundaries, and you love your God Son and will find a way eventially to be in his life without being hurt by others around him.

I know how scary and upsetting it is for me to go from a period of feeling ok to feeling depressed, frightened, stucK, hopeless, trapped, and helpless. You've got this,  Blueberry. Just listen in to your body and mind, hear what they are telling you, and find a way to honor that. You will bounce back out of this low, when it is time.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your kind words, support and hugs. 

It's late and my godson is in bed, but I knew I needed to come on here and write a bit.

Today I was thinking I was maybe dissociated or half-dissociated with anxiety in the days before my godson came. My place is chaos but we're managing. I got a bit ratty on our first outing today though it wasn't my godson's fault. I thought I should apologise but it was too difficult somehow. In compensation when we were out and about this evening I let him make most of the decisions about where and how long and so on.

When I got ratty it was partly because I felt weak and slow and noticed the bad state my feet are in, partly because my godson got way ahead which triggered me and partly I think because of the anxiety and pressure I feel about my business neighbour announcing yesterday that he'd contacted LL, that LL came yesterday (but I was out and about with my godson) and was going to come again today. Anxiety sky-high and the feeling that I'm powerless compared to him and despite me knowing that LL's behaviour is NOT alright e.g. fixes time with business neighbour and doesn't ask me if the time is OK, but would just come and expect me to drop everything and attend to him and business neighbour's request where my agreement is necessary.. He's never got back to me about anything, nor has he responded to the Tenants Rights Association about my case. Anyway, big triggers there.

Re: not apologising to my godson about being ratty and something else I've forgotten the word for, I did feel as bad as M but now maybe not. Because she never seemed to have a bad conscience about anything of the things she did or said whereas I do. Hanging onto a bad conscience isn't very healthy either, but at least it shows I think about these things and try and improve, unlike M.

I notice also being around 'normal' people or a child from a 'normal' family that I was questioning my decision to be VLC with FOO, though there are actually tons of reasons to be VLC with FOO.

Tomorrow my godson will still be here but is getting collected in the evening. Thanks everybody for being here and being supportive! 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks san 

Today I apologised and said I'll try to not act that way another time.

Among many other things today, we played mini golf. I got kind of triggered there too. My godson was generally better than me, although a few times I did better than him. The situation triggered me to childhood feeling like a loser and a failure. I was often not as good as other children and then lacking in confidence as well. And no parent saying anything like "it's not about winning, but just having fun" or praising me when I did well.

Now I do have more self-confidence and I think I'd be better able to do a round alone. I think it would be good for me to do more fun things like that just for me and obviously when I'm on my own and then my Inner Children would be less likely to come to the surface feeling as if they're in competition with my godson. Generally you shouldn't feel as if you have to compete with a child. I 'should' be able to step back internally and let him have fun and also direct my attention towards him. Otherwise I think he's being kind of parentified by me. To state the obvious, that is not good.

But I'm also able to look back on the visit now and think it was fun, we did a lot of different activities. Also I was remembering that I have made improvements. Maybe about 12-13 years ago I had some contact for a while with a family of little girls and I remember the mother suggested I take the elder one cycling - she was about 6 or 7 yo - and I couldn't even consider it. I cycle a lot myself but being responsible for a child on a bike in traffic or mostly on bike paths but still crossing roads etc - no way! Far too nerve-wracking for me. My godson is 11 yo and cycling with him is not a problem at all.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you can see the overall of the visit as fun.  that may be a happy memory to store away, nudging some of the bad stuff out.  love and hugs

[woodsgnome]

From what you posted here, I noticed the turn you felt from wanting to fight off the triggers, or maybe even surrender to their power yet again. Instead you seemed able to access a change in perspective that's very encouraging (en-courage-ing). The triggers were present, plus you surmise the how and why of their appearance; but they didn't bowl you over either -- it wasn't enough to alter the good vibes you were feeling from the outing.

This sort of turnaround can be hard to come by, as we're so used to the old story taking over. It only seems easy afterwards. So I hope you can continue finding these other perspectives pop into your process. The change is not only worthwhile in short bursts, it can herald another step turning you towards finding these new ways where you allow yourself to accept a fresh outlook.

Then you can keep working towards what's most important -- just being your whole self. What went wrong in the past is not necessarily repetitive. And you can find the strength that's been carrying you along in spite of those old stories.

[Armee]

 

Blueberry, I'm really proud of you. You did good with this visit. And an 11 yr old boy can be really hard to connect with. Good job!!!!

[Blueberry]

From what you posted here, I noticed the turn you felt from wanting to fight off the triggers, or maybe even surrender to their power yet again. Instead you seemed able to access a change in perspective that's very encouraging (en-courage-ing). The triggers were present, plus you surmise the how and why of their appearance; but they didn't bowl you over either -- it wasn't enough to alter the good vibes you were feeling from the outing.

Thank you so much for writing this. You are so able to see the big picture   I write I did x then y then z and I see some of the progress, but you are able to give me a whole overview of what went on without adding your own spin to it (unlike my conflict-friends, FOO etc). I really really appreciate your ability here. I don't (yet) have this ability, but it may come at least a bit after further recovery

Really almost every sentence in your post is a nugget, to be read and re-read by me till it sinks in

This sort of turnaround can be hard to come by, as we're so used to the old story taking over. It only seems easy afterwards.

Wow. You read my thoughts. I really did think it was easy, afterwards. Once out of the situation ('afterwards') it did seem easy. But you're telling me it wasn't. That helps me appreciate my own steps in recovery and particularly the steps I made during my godson's visit. As in, Blueberry - don't take them for granted, don't just gloss over them and continue on with the day-to-day! (Self-talk). So beneficial for me to stop, take note, point out to and praise my Inner Children for their help in me making these steps.

Then you can keep working towards what's most important -- just being your whole self.

A big nugget Oh, wow, really?! News to me - I can be a whole self with deficiencies, warts and all? But also of course with my strength, resilience and other good sides. I'm drawing a blank on what those are atm but I do know I have them. I'm not fishing for compliments rn, just writing what's going on.

Thank you too san and Armee for reading and for your beneficial comments. Thanks to woodsgnome's comment and especially to my own processing of it by responding to it, I am now not going to continue downplaying the-hard-to-connect-with of 11 yo boys. (I had been thinking 'Oh no, he is actually pretty easy to connect with, it's just me..."  Instead I'm going to see my own ability and strength there. And top of it all, I did it despite his M having reservations about whether we'd really both manage a 4-day visit It actually got easier as the visit progressed, no big surprise there.

________________________

Recently in correspondence with someone in the FOO wider circle I mentioned that I have to pace myself with most things (e.g. writing emails). It hit me afterwards that I actually have to pace myself with everything! With every last little thing from showering to brushing my teeth to washing the dishes to writing on here to taking my medication to doing therapy exercises to giving my pet her medication to yawning for releasing tension. No wonder most of these things often feel difficult and strenuous. No wonder I just can't take my third additional medication when things are tough even though I know that it would be especially helpful then. But it involves counting out 12-15 drops, taking with water and then sloshing water around in the mug to get the last drops out and down my throat. And that is quite frankly too much when in the back of my mind I know I have to do a few other things that day, when I even want to do more things that day.

As painful as it is to make this clear to myself, it's also an important realisation. This is cptsd in my case, and probably in a few other cases on here. But I mean it's not my 'fault', it's because of this beast called cptsd. Plain old acceptance helps. Wow, pain just appeared in my right hand while I typed the sentence on 'acceptance' and there again with the word itself. Could be a coincidence but my inner voice is saying it's not.

[rainydiary]

Oh Blueberry, your mention of pacing wonderful.  It's true for me too as well I imagine for many people if not all people.  It makes me realize that's what I couldn't express to my brother when he was pushing me recently.  We certainly aren't taught to pace and our society doesn't allow us to go at our own pace especially if that pace is guided by CPTSD.  I appreciate you noticing that about yourself and I hope you continue to find ways to adjust your environment to meet your pace.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i also have to pace myself with all those types of activities - they all take energy, and some days i have more of that than other days. 

such realizations, and the acceptance of them can indeed be painful on many levels.  i doubt it's a coincidence, either.  for me, these sometimes feel like i've just crashed thru a wall.  however, after dusting myself off, getting my bearings, the air is a little fresher, cleaner, on the other side.  i hope you find that for yourself as well.  i've just written about acceptance for myself in my journal, and it's part of this beast, for sure.  and, no, it's not your fault, there's nothing wrong with you, and you are not 'less than' for being the way you are. 

by the by, i think you're great.  sending love and a hug filled with a smile for getting to the other side of this.   

[owl25]

These are some big insights, blueberry. I can relate to how exhausting everything can be.

[Dante]

Blueberry, I think you hit the nail on the head.  It's something I'm starting to realize as well.  I have regrets with my own children.  Times when I reacted out of anger or fear and generally wasn't a very good parent.  I think all of us do, but for me, it makes me wonder.  Am I as Destructive as my FOO?  Am I creating a situation where they think they are the problem?   

For me that's the worst part. I grew up believing I was the problem.  So I apologize to my kids, and I let them know when it's my fault and why.  Both my kids are aware of my CPTSD and that I'm working on it.  But a simple apology that says "it's not you, it's me" means they don't have to grow up believing they are flawed.  I never got an apology and I never will.  But my kids deserve the apology and knowing when it's not their fault (but also knowing when it is, cause I don't want to raise little narcissists either).

[Blueberry]

  Am I as Destructive as my FOO? 

While I was still a bit EF-y, that kind of question went through my head too. But now after the EF, I know I'm not and from what you write I'm sure you aren't either.

I imagine it takes more than one generation to rid the family system of generational trauma. You will have done a lot better by your children than your parents did by you. The following is hypothetical and presumably could be applied to the children of people with cptsd in general: Maybe your children will still have a few things to work on later in life but from you they will have gained clarity and resilience and more good things of that nature, meaning that whatever residues of generational trauma they might be carrying, they'll have a lot less other garbage to go through first, before they can even start making any changes in their own lives. You will have given them a headstart that you never had yourself. 

I grew up believing I was the problem.  So I apologize to my kids, and I let them know when it's my fault and why.  Both my kids are aware of my CPTSD and that I'm working on it.  But a simple apology that says "it's not you, it's me" means they don't have to grow up believing they are flawed.  I never got an apology and I never will.  But my kids deserve the apology and knowing when it's not their fault

I grew up believing I was the problem too because that is what I was told. Apologising seems to be very difficult for me, but after writing on here a few days ago, I then did apologise to my godson the next day My ICr is telling me that the cheerleader doesn't belong there, that in fact I shouldn't have put more than the thumbup because it's so embarrassing and anyway you 'have to' be able to apologise so no big deal if you do so.

That is hogwash from ICr! For me it was hugely difficult apologising to my godson this time. I had this old fear that apologising would lead to me being annihilated, though the fear only became really concrete after I had apologised, not even directly afterwards. It took a good few hours, or maybe even a day or two. Apologising in FOO was dangerous - it would lead to something like emotional annihilation from having made yourself 'weak'. So maybe being triggered at the time had something to do with conflict-friend-no.2 and her emotional/psychological attacks on me.