Moving Forwards

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciated reading your entry.  I have been thinking about generational trauma too.  I think about how my genes were given to me by people whose bodies "kept the score."

I imagine there must have been body messages passed to me that started me in a place where I was already more prone to responding from a place of trauma. 

I appreciate the work you are doing to bring attention and help the next generation respond differently.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

i think you're very brave to be able to apologize to your godsone, whether it be minutes, hours, or days after.  kudos to you for such a huge move.   i think it does deserve more than a thumbs up.

those old messages die hard, the trauma from them dies even harder.  your apology showed a break in the abuse cycle.  sending love and a hug filled with continued cheer-worthy work in this area.

[Dante]

I agree with rainydiary and san.  You deserve a lot more than a thumbs up.  To give what we never got so that we break the cycle is perhaps the hardest and bestest thing we can do.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you san for your encouragement and support.

those old messages die hard, the trauma from them dies even harder. 

I like the way you worded this. Very apt saying.
________________

I'm going to write a few Good Things from today before harder stuff.
1) I felt inspired to clean my shower, first time since a long, long time. I poked around into difficult-to-reach bits with an old toothbrush. It isn't all perfect, but it's a lot better than it was.
2) I followed a recipe I haven't done for a long time

3) I did some food-shopping and didn't buy any sweet (or other) snacks. Not surprisingly, the bill was lower than usual. I didn't even have a craving for any sweet stuff. Had I bought some, it would have been out of habit.

4) Since noticing and accepting that I have to pace myself with every last little thing, my mindfulness has suddenly improved   It's getting easier for me not to overdo things, e.g. it's easier to stop pushing myself on to do another thing, and another. Or put another way I'm doing better at consciously feeling what I need in the next half-hour or right now or whatever and then allowing myself to do that. 

5) Somewhat connected: Although it's the final week of the school holidays and I had been planning to do business stuff in the main this week, I realise I still need holiday activities to re-energise myself before work really gets going again. I also realised once again that it's not good for me to attempt to do more professional work than I have the ability to and it has just got a lot easier for me to act upon this! It was really important to clean the shower this morning rather than a number of things in the office. 

6) Today I took a few items I no longer need to the local Food Bank and laid them out in front of the building with a sign instructing people to take what they wanted. Even before I'd finished laying the stuff out, some children appeared and were so overjoyed at being able to pick something out, some saying that they would give x or y to their mother or their sister. Just seeing and hearing the children: One boy of about 8 said "Cool!" when he saw a postcard of a dog and took that immediately. That alone made it worth it for me to have made the effort instead of just throwing the things out.

7) 

[Blueberry]

I agree with rainydiary and san.  You deserve a lot more than a thumbs up.  To give what we never got so that we break the cycle is perhaps the hardest and bestest thing we can do.   

Thanks for pointing that out to me, Dante. Once again, OOTS is just brilliant. When I don't notice or really acknowledge my own progress, some kind person on here lets me know.   

[Blueberry]

Harder stuff today.
I got an email from B2 mentioning my parents' state of health and him offering to phone or email me, whichever I want. That's all OK because I'm VLC not NC. I'm actually pleased that he bothered to get in touch with me. But.
It's difficult.

Although I was already pretty sure I'd never see my parents again or travel all that way to either of their funerals just because I have long since realised that there is no safe place for me in FOO and I come away retraumatised, it makes me sad to know that my parents are getting older and more decrepit   F is losing his memory. When your memory goes, part of you goes as well, so it feels like a half-death. Even though I know that FOO is a family in name only (went through that process a few years ago in T), knowing that F is losing his memory hits home how there's no chance to resolve any of this family crapola. Not that I have believed it would be possible for a good few years now, but this news makes that certain.

I will respond to B2, soon, but that too feels difficult. Well, all contact with FOO is, so no surprise really.

[Papa Coco]

Hey Blueberry,

My thoughts are with you as you go through this difficult time. I had to leave my family before my F died also. I never got resolution with him either. It's been 10 or 11 years since he passed, and I'm still very okay with the fact that I had to stay away for my own sanity. My FOO had the power to really damage me, so I owed it to my wife and children to not let my nasty siblings or anyone else in my FOO make a mess of us again. We worked too hard to build a more positive family life outside their reach. My F chose to let me suffer for years. I really didn't owe him any obligatory visits during his sunsetting years.

You're not alone with this. I hope you are able to find peace and strength in the friendship that the people on this forum are able to extend.

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry BB. I know that's a real hard thing to accept and grieve...that there will be no magic reconciliation where the FOO makes things OK. In my case, I found a lot of peace when it ended and there was no more striving or hoping for things to be better or different. I mean it sucked and hurt but that was better than the uncertainty. I could grieve finally. So, although this is hard and sad, I hope too that this shift in health and relationship brings a small bit of peace.

[Dante]

When my F died, I wept.  Like wept.  I've wept twice in my life, and that was one of them.  But I also found myself feeling relieved, and I felt immeasurably guilty over that.  It's a mess of feelings.  It's been 4 years now, but still the feelings are as raw as they ever were.  I hope you find some measure of peace.

[sanmagic7]

i feel for you, blueberry, for these realizations and the difficulties accompanying them.  we're with you during this time.  hang tough, ok?  good luck with your B2 as well.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your replies and for understanding! I know OOTS is about the only place where people can understand me. I know you're with me.  I'll write more another time.

Today I had a nice day, in the main. I was able to put my parents' ill health aside and did another train+bike trip to a flower and herb garden I've been intending to visit for a few years. I also bought some new plants - all flowering and good for bees and other insects Before I went I got verbally accosted again by my business neighbour and he didn't leave off until I got loud and added *!!§&! though just in general rather than directed solely at him.

This evening I wrote a short email to LL and a longer one to the Tenants' Rights Association. It's certainly a sign of stabilisation and recovery that I managed to send 2 emails to B2 yesterday and the email to LL this evening. Two days in a row of writing difficult emails. Not so long ago it would've taken me at least a week for each email.

This thing with my business neighbour and LL is really getting to me. With LL supposedly dropping by ever so often rather than answering my and the TRA's emails from about a month ago, I feel as if I'm being stalked or something. (I have been stalked once before, a good number of years ago.) I notice that being on edge about whether my LL is going to turn up is making me not want to be home or in my office or in the garden in LL's office hours, which is all day. I also notice that being on edge is affecting my concentration. I need to concentrate to work! This week I happen to be taking more time off because I need it but as of this coming Monday when the schools go back, I will have my usual number of students again and will need to be in my office to deal with paperwork e.g. some stuff for my tax accountant, writing up the latest Covid stuff etc etc, not to mention lesson prep. Having the worry in the back of my mind that LL might drop by any time to gang up on me with business neighbour and force something through or just behave like a total narc until i get loud in frustration is just not conducive to work of any kind but especially not where I have to concentrate. Fortunately I have T in 2 days so I can talk about it there, work on it and hope that defuses something internally.

I do realise though that my therapist is correct - it really seems that speaking up and standing up for myself in conflicts now is helping heal the trauma of my childhood. My T does know that speaking up and standing up for myself is very difficult. He doesn't ask stupid questions like I used to get from therapists in the past e.g. "What is preventing you from taking this step?" or say stupid things like "Well obviously you don't want to get better otherwise you would have done as I suggested." It's late, I'm tired, I'd better go to bed.

[Blueberry]

I'm moving forwards

I no longer feel so intimidated by LL or my business neighbour.   T appointment yesterday helped.

Today I sent an ebay seller (private individual rather than a company) a deadline for sending me what I've paid for or sending my money back.

I also looked up "bullying in the workplace" to help me understand what's going on in the local branch of an association I'm part of. Yes, bullying is what is going on. In a slightly subtle way. I've started writing an email pointing this out to one of the people in question. With the other person it's so bad, I'm going to send an email directly to the head of our local branch.

My T doesn't know about this particular instance but he has been saying for a while how important it is that I express what is going on instead of worrying about 'disturbing' the other person or being negatively impacted if I broach a topic. (That is of course what happened and even still happens in FOO).

I could leave the local branch of the association but it's advocacy work that is important to me. Also I don't want to leave before I try to do something about it. It may work, it may not. If it doesn't, I can then decide what to do.

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

let's hear it for competent therapists!     those are definitely the ones that help us go forward.  so glad you've got one like that blueberry.

and congrats on sending out those emails, as well as the intimidation factor being reduced.  way to go!   you are movin' full speed ahead.

just to mention, i absolutely love your nature instincts, your gardening, and sharing that with us.  to me it's grounding and i feel like that's a good connection to have.  love and hugs, my dear

[Blueberry]

i haven't managed to move forward with email to mbrs of the advocacy group I'm in. I got sick instead. Nauseated and earache, throatache. Eventually I managed to get up and then go down into the garden where I did some work and also had the wherewithal to put my little live lawnmowers out for a while to enjoy the warmth and gather their own food.

Earache and throatache disappeared as I worked so I think they were a reaction to the stuff going on in the advocacy group. It reminds me of life in FOO. I can't say why rn. Too difficult to verbalise but it'll come I guess. I do know actually but when I try and form words, my brain goes blank.

Well,  to self for getting up, and for taking furbabies into garden, and for doing some garden work, and for relaxing in the garden - doing nothing but lie on a recliner. Pretty quick return to doing things, leaving a state of trauma-induced lethargy, EF or whatever it was.