Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee. Sometimes hugs are just the absolute best. Though I tend to write essays to other mbrs too instead of just hugs.
______________

I feel sad and messed up. Just too much going on I guess. My whole body is covered in itches. Idk if it's a psychosomatic reaction or what.
Last night I even had this voice in me saying that extended SI would be best. Not that I would do it. There's no danger of that. But it's still not especially pleasant hearing this voice. I want to give up but I can't. I have 3 students today - which is undoubtedly good for me - and my FurBabies need me too.

[Armee]

 

I understand what you are saying about the  intrusive voices and lack of actual desire for SI. I'm sorry you are having to deal with so much right now.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee 

[Snowdrop]

It sounds as though you're having a hard time, Blueberry. It makes me want to wrap a soft blanket round your shoulders. I care about you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee and Snowdrop I hid in bed for most of the day so I suppose that's like having a soft blanket around my shoulders.

My T did suggest I speak my mind whether or not my 'audience' agrees, which is what I did last week in various instances especially the local advocacy group. It turns out some of the women in that group agree with me! They've made similar observations though for one reason or another they're not speaking up about it openly. I'm triggered back to B1's behaviour anyway. However, instead of reading in my paper Journal (where I write everything from therapy) what I could do about that, I was cowering in bed.

Now I need to shower, wash hair, find something decent to wear, administer own Covid test for first time ever and get up the road to a friend's 60th birthday party. I do want to go, it's just I'm having trouble with the necessary steps I just listed. I wish all those steps would just do themselves. Well, probably not because then I would lose my sense of agency. I went yesterday and helped with some of the set-up, but for that I didn't need to be washed, brushed, dressed etc. and tested.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that you enjoy your friend's 60th Birthday party.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, I did enjoy my friend's birthday. But since then I'm back to hiding in bed. For all sorts of reasons, including me criticising myself for not seeming as normal as my friend's other friends. Not that anybody at the party or afterwards looked askance at me or anything like that. Just me looking askance at myself. And this particular friend accepts me for who I am, as opposed to the 2 others I fell out with this year.

I feel more as if I'm treading water than moving forwards, which is not surprising when I'm mostly hiding in bed. I tried the "What is the easiest beneficial thing I can do?" earlier and as a result at least I took my low-thyroid medication and got dressed, but then I went back to bed. I have lots of veg and salady stuff around that I could eat but I'm feeding it to my pets and craving sweet stuff.

Backing out of the advocacy group was maybe just too much when I had all this other stuff like latest FOO contact and those 2 other friendships I more or less ended hanging over me. otoh I just didn't think I could take any more of the advocacy group and in particular not going to do a whole afternoon's stint beside a man from the group who decided to take over from me without even asking me. I figured I was likely to not be in a good mood and it was better to stay away. I still haven't managed to contact the women's network which is on a state (as opposed to local) level, but I suppose that will happen when the time is right for me. The whole advocacy group thing at the local level seems to be triggering me. In some aspects reminding me of enF and in others of B1.

So, just having a moan and hoping if I write a bit, it might help me move forwards again.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you as you seek a way forward.

[Armee]

You've got this. The low points sneak up and maybe laying in bed is what you most need right now?

You have made a lot of positive changes or efforts in the past few months: taking vacations, swimming and biking, having your godson over, speaking up for yourself many times...Sometimes I need a big recovery period when that happens, too.

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary and Armee 

I was thinking earlier it's a good time to write 3 Things that made me Happy Today:
1)  My Jerusalem artichokes/sunchokes are blooming
2) I went into the garden and smelt my rose
3) Drinking a nice hot cup of tea

and Things I Achieved
1) Finally got out of bed and stayed out of it
2) Joined in a guided tour of the town, which meant I was outside among other people and walking
3) I took my thyroid meds
4) Looked something up for a new student and sent it
5) Read in my paper Journal, among other things that when I feel frozen it's a good thing to stroke my head or tap it or that kind of thing because that helps get my brain going again. I haven't stopped SHing today but that did give me pause for thought about why I'm doing SH in the first place, or why my head is itchy all over.

I had a few Inspirational Ideas about literary translation (next steps), teaching (see no. 4 above) and my garden.

[Blueberry]

You've got this. The low points sneak up and maybe laying in bed is what you most need right now?

You have made a lot of positive changes or efforts in the past few months: taking vacations, swimming and biking, having your godson over, speaking up for yourself many times...Sometimes I need a big recovery period when that happens, too.

Thank you once again Armee 

I guess I just need a big recovery period. But I feel so annoyed at myself. Just lying about in bed/on sofa. Reading and dozing. Fortunately no students so far this week, for various reasons.

Read a little in The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker. It seems I have plenty of reason to be grieving: FOO, 2 friendships and now the advocacy group too. But instead of grieving, I'm covered in itches and feeling feverish. ICr is having a great time and I don't feel strong enough or maybe even motivated enough to tell ICr where to go or just to refute ICr.

When I read on the forum atm it seems quite a few of you are putting in lots of work and making big progress and I'm slipping back due to not working on self, at least that is what it feels like to me. Though I know and have said often enough myself that comparing isn't useful.

[Blueberry]

I seem to have come down with my old favourite: tonsilitis.

In therapy on Thursday we were working on whether it might be possible for me to take time off work because everything was too much emotionally or whether I actually needed to get some physical illness. It turns out the latter, I suppose.

Though I do remember that throatache and earache - old symptoms- used to come from speaking my truth OR from not speaking it ie. swallowing it down. Damned if you do, damned if you don't kind-of-thing. But I'm now too sick and exhausted to deal with that. I'm likely to be off the forum for a while unless the physical stuff disappears or I suddenly have some brainwave about it.

[Snowdrop]

I remember you speaking about tonsillitis before, Blueberry. I hope you can get lots of rest.

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I hope you find healing.  I was reading an earlier post you wrote about "audiences" and I had the thought that I keep a number of audiences inside.  My inner critic is a combination of a number of audiences real and imaginary I've experienced in my life.    I am also learning to say my thoughts to the audiences outside of myself.  It varies in how this goes but I do think sharing our unique perspective can be supportive to others even if we don't know it.