Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

I'm still theoretically in bed with tonsillitis, though rn I'm up. Thank you all for wishes for my rest and getting well.

Some thoughts or maybe feelings that repeatedly flit through my stupor: I feel lonely; no wonder I feel so down having thought I had a number of good friendships only to discover these aren't people who accept me for who I am; I think anybody on OOTS with a partner who behaved like me would get pretty annoyed at some point; otoh what am I worried about that for - I don't have a partner so it's a moot point; maybe I'm too hard on FOO (in my head). No way. I'm not, I'm just protecting myself.

So that's a good note to end on.

[sanmagic7]

very good, blueberry.  i completely relate to having had friends who didn't accept me for me.  they've been eliminated.  love and hugs, my dear.

[Armee]

I'm going to tiptoe out on a limb and try a real response. If I'm way off base I am sorry Blueberry. I've noticed I've been misreading other people a lot lately - here and in real life. So here goes...

I'm sorry you have been sick. I hope you are feeling a little bit better today. it's interesting how specific behaviors or feelings can be related to real physical illnesses we get...whether it's tonsillitis, fibromyalgia, migraines, SIBO, etc.

I'm still very proud of you for speaking up even when there are repercussions for you, like tonsillitis. I hope eventually your body will learn it's ok and it doesn't need to give you tonsillitis to keep you quiet and safe. But I wish you didn't have to suffer at all for speaking up for yourself. That's not fair.

I think anybody on OOTS with a partner who behaved like me would get pretty annoyed at some point; otoh what am I worried about that for - I don't have a partner so it's a moot point;

Even with a longtime loving marriage I still get caught up in that feeling and shame that I'm not good enough for him or for love. It sucks. We know cognitively it's not true but then there are these little girls deep down just trying to be perfect enough to be loved by their family. They never should have had to be perfect to feel loved.

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and really feeling that no you are not being too hard on FOO.
 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I am grateful you are here and able to share yourself here.  I appreciate you and your part of this community.  I hope you feel better soon. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for best wishes, appreciation and feeling proud of me and so on. I felt a little better yesterday, did too much and am now worse. But at least it's not Covid.

Even with a longtime loving marriage I still get caught up in that feeling and shame that I'm not good enough for him or for love. It sucks. We know cognitively it's not true

Actually you're further on than I am Armee because I don't even know cognitively yet that it's not true for myself!
But don't worry or apologise please!! Your post is not off base

_________________________
There's a little more going on than speaking up for myself. I know from other people without cptsd that it's normal to think about your own mortality when your parents are getting older but I imagine that here or OOTF are about the only places where people wouldn't heap me with guilt and/or blame and shame about not leaping up and contacting my parents after hearing that they are indeed going a bit downhill health-wise. I think the information I've been given is true and not the kind of over-the-top narc stuff you read about on OOTF.

So my own mortality. Even though I'm about 30 years younger than both my parents, I immediately saw myself in both their shoes but in about 10 years - going mentally downhill in one case and physically in the other. But also with self-blame of course. I don't exercise enough - own fault. Mentally - well that's connected to cptsd - so I'm less self-blaming about that. But maybe I should/could work harder on my recovery. Then just to add to it, who's going to be there for me when I start going downhill? Though I know my GrM had just those worries despite having FOC around but they were there for her. Now I remember that handy phrase about 'not crossing your bridges till you get to them'!
NTS: btw not exercising enough is connected to cptsd in my case.

But being in this position and knowing that I don't have the network of friends I thought I had is tough too. It makes sense though. My T has occasionally made remarks like "You have friends who treat you like that? You have friends who say those kinds of things to you?" and I'd nod. I guess it is a kind of strength that I can now see what he means and have started doing something about it. I also guess that it's not surprising that a number of so-called friends have turned out that way because I haven't gone through that particular period of recovery yet. I'm just starting it. Until now I was somehow seeing recovery from cptsd as just setting limits to FOO + clients + neighbours + ll + people I don't like and that my friends meant well with me. And now I don't see it so black-and-white. My friends had / have yet to be tried. Even if you like people, you can and should set limits. Otherwise knowingly or not, they go over those limits.

Another thing: I've had my eye on children's literary translation for a while. I'm registered for an upcoming seminar so have been trying my hand on particular books I've had my eye on for a while. At least on days I've been feeling better or before I felt really bad. I hadn't expected it to be so difficult. Especially the sentences that didn't seem to have any special difficulty in them. But it is. My ICr had a good time asking why I've never been driven to attain this goal and why I expect things to just fall into place without any work. B1 drops by in my imagination. People in FOO, even in extended FOO, talked about work, opportunities, success etc just dropping into his lap. I don't know whether things just dropped into his lap or not, but I think in my own nuclear FOO there wasn't much drivenness especially not from my parents and not much work ethic really either. I think I don't have much drivenness or ability/will to work hard either. I don't know how much of that is caused by depression, cptsd, intergenerational trauma. Though people around me especially in group therapy and places like that always say that I work really hard. So I don't know.

With the literary translation I was partially waiting till some point in the future where I could handle a bunch of rejections better. That is, the rejections when you start sending a synopsis of the book and a trial translation of a small part of it to publishing companies. But now I realise there are all sorts of other problems to contend with - the translation skills themselves - and if I got that far - seeing my name on the book because then my translation would have to be perfect! Lots of people have great fun finding mistakes in literary translations, myself included I admit.

So a whole load of realisations, some of them rather painful. Plus ICr (always painful) and then I'm not sure where the truth lies in those realisations and how much is ICr. Though I do know that in time I will become more aware of where the truth lies.

[Blueberry]

Some good things from August-September I probably haven't stressed enough for myself:

I did finally go on a hike I've been meaning to for a few years

The one time I actually went to therapy (instead of doing it via video), I took my bike with me and cycled a little part of the way back, following part of a little river I always caught a glimpse or two of from the train. Again something I'd had my eye on for a few years.

I'm not good at finding my way, but I noticed I was doing a lot better on that bike ride than in previous years (In my summer holidays I was always following an actual designated cycle route instead of wanting to get from A to B via various paths and roads)

Actually I'd been putting off doing the hike because I had been worried about not finding my way though the route is supposedly well sign-posted and then I also had some fear/anxiety I couldn't put a name to. The anxiety had miraculously disappeared   I really noticed that right at the beginning of the hike. So that's a real plus. That's one of these bonuses where I don't work directly on a problem and I recover from it anyway. The route wasn't totally well sign-posted imo but I found my way anyway The best memory I have is sitting at the top of a long steep hill having a rest, watching a butterfly and not worrying about anything

All the playing I did on my summer holiday bike trips! I found swings and hammocks along the way where I spent up to half an hour each time. So I didn't even have to make a special trip to a place 30km from home where there are public hammocks you can lie in and rock yourself to and fro because I found some right next to the bike route Playing is important for the IC parts of me! Of course all that time in the water too.

atm I'm having an enforced break which I apparently need.

Smelling my roses in the garden.

In retrospect I really enjoyed having my godson here and think I did well.

[sanmagic7]

i'm on a break as well, blueberry.  i'd love to smell those roses with you, if that would be cool.  mmm, maybe a trip to the porch would be a good thing.  love and hugs, my dear.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate you sharing about the reasons for putting off the hike.  I go through that too and it often stops from me from trying something because I am so afraid of getting it wrong.  I'm glad you found your way and that you've had these playful experiences. 

[Armee]

I feel like I could have written that post myself Blueberry! I love hiking but often panic about getting lost.

[Blueberry]

I appreciate all your responses, especially at a time like this when I'm ill so less contact with people in general and there's all that stuff going on consciously and subconsciously. 

Another few Good Things from today and further back:

Today: I took some books along to the neighbourhood book shelf today so there's a bit more space on my shelves
I finally dealt with something at the bank that absolutely had to be done
I did some vocabulary work for myself
I took my meds and made tea

Yesterday: I cleared out a bunch of emails

Further back: Hey, I got myself a new (used) bike of a kind that's fun for me to ride and comfortable - so I ride more often! It was a really good choice I made there. NTS. Pat self on back.
Finally arranged a doc appt I've been intending to for months

[sanmagic7]

may i join in giving you a pat on the back.  sounds like you accomplished some really wonderful things, blueberry.  hope you're feeling better.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you san. I'm feeling better bit by bit.

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What I also accomplished last night in the middle of the night: EFT for the first time in a while. Just on the top of my head rather than all the spots but it worked. I immediately started yawning, which is a form of tension release for me.

I did a little gardening today since I have some plants that have needed to be planted since before I got ill. I got one of them in the soil anyway. Then I stopped because I felt tired. Good self-care

I sat in the sun in my kitchen playing Patience/solitaire over and over again while things sorted themselves out in my head and feelings re: one of no-longer-friends. I'm still not capable of writing what all was sorting, but it's a step having those things slotting into place while playing Patience.

I realised that I got ill because I had too much of a backlog of emotions needing to be dealt with before I continued on with professional work, cleaning my apartment, throwing things out etc etc. So my T was correct. 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

i've often found that playing games like solitaire are the perfect background for my mind to realize, rest, relax - whatever is needed.  i'm just glad you've found that for yourself.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Yes, I also relate to doing something like Patience (in my case, lately it's been 'dot-to-dots') to process things safely in the background of a calming activity. 

It's great that you did your EFT and released some tension.    Plus your gardening.  Your self-care, it comes across in what you wrote.   

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope    Yes, I remember about your dot-to-dots. I really like the way you phrase that "process things safely in the background of a calming activity". That really makes sense to me.

_____________

I realised today that I'm on the verge of collapse. I'm no longer ill but just oh so tired and with all sorts of aches and pain and sometimes very slow thinking process e.g. yesterday before I put my feet in my slippers I had to consciously look at them and see "there's the right slipper, so I need to put my right foot into it" and ditto for the left whereas normally I would automatically stick each foot in the correct slipper without needing to contemplate them first.

The 'verge of collapse' is not a thing of a day or two. No, it feels as if I need to be really careful for a number of weeks. atm I don't have many students. Earlier I was thinking I should put a sign up in my window that I could take new students on as of Oct. 15th, but now I think with the number of things backlogged (business, private, and recovery processing I need to do and even want to), that would just be a recipe for another collapse. Better for me to decide not to take on any new students before November.

I no longer feel emotionally threatened by ll and business neighbour. Business neighbour has given up on his electricity plans so I don't hear anything from him or ll. It's likely that all that stuff going on for weeks, months even - the uncertainty in general and never knowing whether ll was going to come unannounced in the middle of my work and the complete illogical nonsense business neighbour was spouting took a real toll on me though and now that it seems over, it has hit me how bad it all was. Or something like that. It's hard for me to put these feelings into words. Maybe - my relief that it seems over is more cognitive than felt. My feelings haven't completely processed yet and can't relax completely yet? Something like that.

Yesterday and today I also felt angry at no-longer-friend no. 2 for telling me all those things she did about not liking my attitudes etc etc at a time when I was dealing with no-longer-friend no. 1. First of all yesterday I had some sarcastic remarks going on in my head, but when I remembered that the sarcasm is to cover up feelings, I managed to feel into my emotions: anger. Maybe I'll write a Recovery Letter on here. That might help. I have actually already expressed annoyance to her although I'm not sure she knew I was annoyed. Well, I guess I didn't actually really express it. I did not say: I am annoyed. I merely requested that she doesn't decide out of the blue to dump criticism on me again just for the fun of it when I'm obviously in a bad way already anyway. 'Kicking somebody when they are down' is what I said. She thought my request was a bit harsh

I have a seminar in literary translation in about 10 days and am busy working on some translations to send in in advance. I'm giving that priority over many other things rn. The practice with different texts is doing me good. Yesterday I bought a bookstand to sit next to my computer while I translate which makes translating pages from an actual book so much easier! But even next time I'm working from a paper document it will be easier than having it lying on my desk beside the computer. I feel ashamed to say that I'd looked into buying one 3 years ago. Behind the feeling ashamed is: sadness. It's sad that this is what my pace is like (I always have to pace myself with everything) so things often don't get done for aaaages. It's sad that I feel ashamed of the repercussions of my cptsd (having to pace so much, among other things).

One definite piece of progress is that I'm willing and able to spend money on things that are going to make a difference e.g. this bookstand despite hardly any turnover atm and zero profit Sept/Oct. Along with this, I'm feeling more relaxed about my finances in general though there has been no change in them. It's a change in me.

A super important NTS: the week before I got ill I ended up in a really bad EF, in fact probably several EFs interlayered with each other, i.e. beginning to move out of one and being hit by an additional one and then another. But I didn't recognise it all for what it was. This is a little difficult to formulate, but please fellow OOTS mbrs who are reading this, if I'm writing things like: I keep going back to bed, my ICr is on the rampage, I want to give up etc etc I'm open to gentle suggestions that I might be in a huge EF! Of course it's my job to notice for myself. I don't want to put any onus on anybody else, that wouldn't be fair. But don't hesitate for any reasons like BB has been on the forum so long she must know herself cuz unfortunately I don't always. Thank you. This forum is the best. What would I do without you all?