Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

I thought about writing on here yesterday but didn't know what to write. I thought I really 'should' know how to move on from where I felt stuck without writing about it. Although I know that writing about it on here often helps me move on. Yesterday I did some difficult work and I did it well considering. I realised that my fear of doing it was far worse than actually doing it. The clients would like me to do further work for them though there are actually people better qualified around here imho. Two people. But one of them told the clients that she can't do it, so she obviously doesn't think she's better qualified and the other didn't respond to their queries, so that obviously doesn't endear her to them.

I should have sent my bill yesterday or today but I haven't. I did read the latter posts in my thread entitled I Deserve my Pay over on the Employment board but I was still thinking I should reduce my costs. Because it was easier than expected   When those clients need me again in about 8 weeks, it's actually likely to be a bit harder, but take less time. So why not stick with what I stipulated? They agreed to it after all!

My business-related workshop on literary translation went quite well actually. It was exhausting. It's hard for me to concentrate all day even with breaks. It's hard for me to think quickly on the spot. I also noticed I was a bit more defensive about my work than others were. At least one time I made a jocular remark to deflect somebody's well-meant suggestion instead of maybe asking him to explain more what he meant. So those are just things to note for myself. There's part of me who'd like to practice and practice and part who wants to give up. Today the 'give up' part won. But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I also have one appointment so I have to get up for that. That might then help me to stay up.

I also didn't take any of my medicine today. Though yesterday I found and bought a pair of new shoes that fit and are comfortable. That's always very difficult for me to find. I desperately needed new shoes.

Armee, I didn't even sit at the table in the sun today, maybe tomorrow. Sometimes it is a good thing to do but otoh there are so many things I ought to be doing rn including cleaning up said kitchen...

san, that's a good wish for me. Feel my self-worth, be gentle with myself - both work better than haranguing myself to get on with things.

It's also worth reminding myself that some things that used to be really difficult and really time-consuming are no longer e.g. showering so good to connect with the part of modern-day me who doesn't get tired and overwhelmed and then just go and do it! I mean I did manage to clean the business toilet after all as well as some other areas that are always mine to do!

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,

I hope your appointment went ok, I know you had that yesterday. 

Great that you found those shoes that fit you well and are comfortable. 


Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, yes, my appointment went OK, better than expected even.

I spent the weekend hiding in bed, I didn't even eat really, though I did drink quite a lot of tea. I had decided it would be good to take a break from reading and writing on here and get on with things. That obviously didn't work out though. I felt ashamed all weekend, ashamed of being me and not doing things.

[sanmagic7]

to my mind, that's the darkest shame of all - ashamed of being oneself.  i'm glad for you to take time off when you feel it's the thing to do - i think it's one of the best examples of self-care possible.  i hope you continue to do what feels best for you, and pooh on any old messages that say there's something wrong with you.  love and hugs, blueberry

[Armee]

🌻

I hate the shame. You're enough just as you are Blueberry. Even if you don't get out of bed and just drink tea. Ibwas thinking about that yesterday how I feel so so so much shame and yet...didn't do anything wrong? Not really. Why do all these good kind kind people feel ashamed?

[Blueberry]

Thank you san and Armee for your support. It helps me realise part of what the shame is. It's being ashamed of hiding in bed and not doing things. Shame isn't generally very helpful, but it is a step forward to feel ashamed of doing or not doing something instead of feeling a blanket shame about myself.

The real problem is not getting on with healing steps. As wonky as it sounds, when I don't take those steps, I don't do self-care (much) either. So it's not so much a case of me taking all my meds, drinking and eating regularly and making sure I get out of bed and go to bed at normal times, it's more a case of my getting up the courage and perseverance to e.g. write a number of emails, letters and bills I need to and then things will flow again. Well, I have written one invoice plus accompanying email this evening. It took an hour, but at least it is done.

The invoices are once again difficult but the worst things are writing emails to explain what I feel and/or what needs to be changed between me and various people i.e. what of their behaviour I'm no longer willing to put up with. My T knows and has said often enough that the more I hold that to my chest and do not express it (ex- in this case has to do with 'out' or 'outwards') the more I stifle and block myself. I feel ashamed to have not got on with any of these over the past 4 weeks since last therapy. So it feels like I'm just waiting for somebody else to do it, which is what I've been accused of in the past by non-trauma-informed or not properly trauma-informed therapists.

When I think about the behaviour of other people, I just get all tangled up in knots in my head and have no clarity. 'Other people' - that is the two 'no-longer-friends' to whom I still want to say something. They are the hardest because they have already both intimated: "enough already" and "let's move on" without giving me time to say what I want or feel I need to.

I know I've said to myself I should maybe write a rough draft on here on Recovery Letters but then I don't. Well, that might help. However. First another invoice or two. 

[Blueberry]

It seems I just need this place (OOTS) to write, even though it's often just lists of what I've accomplished that I think I 'should' just be able to write in my paper Journal. Oh, there's that should again.

So I completed all my invoices and some other odd bits and pieces that were lying around. So, at least they're done and no longer held back by those other letters and emails which are either explaining or reiterating things or lying down some sort of boundary. I have actually been getting better at that, but it kind of comes and goes. I mean, boundary-setting has been easier some time this summer/autumn but then got difficult again. Also boundary-setting and then continuing with life and not feeling ashamed or 'too much' or somehow 'not normal'. 'Normal' would mean acting the way the people I'm in conflict with seem to think I should. Oh, there's that 'should' again.

I've just been at this whole rigamarole for so long! Years ago in therapy, people tried to get me to change my way of dealing with other people i.e. by weighing my words and being 'normal' e.g. by speaking instead of writing. Whereas now my T is encouraging me to do it however I can best do it, but DO IT. Not that he shouts or yells. He says once I have been doing it with a fair amount of ease for a while then it will get easier and I will be able to do it 'normally' bit by bit, but so long as I need to gear myself up for it and then write it, then that's what I can do. He said a long time ago he didn't think EMDR would work for me - he thought the risk of that turning up even more and blindsiding me was just too great, since that had happened ad nauseam in the past.

So I think now that what he is getting at is: in friendships, in 'work relationships' with clients or whoever, in any other dealings with people I end up in a relationally abusive situation, as a scapegoat, again and again and again, and the only way out of that is to stand my ground and speak up for myself, speak my truth, never minding what anybody else says or thinks. Very New Thoughts from rn. A bit scary. I wish I could just do some trauma therapy, though I could of course do some EFT or Screen Processing, but I haven't been doing that...

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your reflection on how you use your journal here.  I am always grateful for what you offer here.

[Armee]

That is a lot of accomplishment today! I'm glad you are here writing down these things. It's more than a list, I think. To me, it feels like planting a flag in the ground and claiming your right to be, your right to be productive, or not productive, and to express what you need.

Working on speaking or writing up for yourself seems so important because that's something you need to end the cycle of people using and abusing you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary and Armee. What you write encourages me a bit. I slept better last night, particularly because of the letter I wrote over on Recovery Letters. Then having also read https://www.bustle.com/articles/172378-11-ways-to-break-up-with-a-toxic-friend-no-matter-how-hard-it-seems (which is listed already under Info/Resources) - this helps me see that this type of break-up can be really hard-hitting as well as a romantic break-up. That helps me go easy on myself.

I spent all weekend hiding under a blanket shivering and even though I finally turned my heating on today, I spent the afternoon and early evening under a blanket with the feeling that I was shivering for emotional reasons instead of with cold. At least when I wasn't  So that's the other thing - once again, it is really tiring processing the end of these friendships! Although it is of course my job to set friends a limit and would be good if I learned to do it earlier and with more oomph so they actually take it seriously, still - these aren't great friends if they think it's OK to dump so much stuff on me that I'm exhausted for weeks and even months after. I mean, the breach with the second one came about because she was taking the side of the first one and trying to get me to see that one's side. Thanks.

I remember on my earlier posts probably also on Recovery Letters, I could only write my sarcastic thanks to FOO. I couldn't feel the anger and hurt, and I certainly couldn't direct it at them in those letters I wasn't even going to send. I'm shaking my head at the destruction caused by M and F and how friends could possibly think it's OK to try to get me to see my part in it, while these friends are apparently not seeing their parts in our friendships falling apart.

But you're right Armee, working on speaking up for myself and writing either to these people or on here or both is so important so that I don't keep being used and abused. 

I find it hard personally to see what I allow to happen to me in friendships. 'Friendships'. My T saw quite a while ago but he leaves me my time to notice these things on my own, which is GOOD. Because at other times, Ts used to overwhelm me all the time with questions on comments, which mostly backfired and sent me spinning and/or exploding. Then they'd say: "What happened there? Just a few (harmless) words sent you off."    I hope they have all since retired or learnt a lot more about trauma-informed therapy.

I am reading some other mbrs' posts these past few days but I feel too drained to respond much. 

[Armee]

Blueberry,

I read your letter and it is hard to imagine a "friend" doing what yours did to you. They are not listening to you or supporting you. They don't have your back. What happens to you with friends reminds me of how hard it was for me to hear what my T was trying to tell me early on. I kept getting triggered and having my fears escalated because I had so many people in my life who were suicidal. I thought it was my fault there was something wrong with me and it was my job to fix myself and save them.

He kept saying that I was attracting these people to me like flies because we tend to repeat these patterns. I thought for at least a year he was saying it was my fault these people were like that. I finally understand what he was trying to say. It wasn't my fault they were like that. It's just that my personality kept me from setting the right boundaries that would keep me from being drawn in and manipulated with threats. It wasn't my fault, but I was failing to set boundaries that protect me and respect my needs. And so time and again I'd be in the same position, reenacting the original trauma with my mom. Not my fault I'm just trying to be a kind person. The balance comes with trying to be true to my nature but also protecting myself.

I'm sorry if none of that was helpful or clear. It just took me so long to not take offense at what he was saying and to start to let the truth of it in. Not my fault but I have to take care of myself. Like you are saying for you and with friends...strong unapologetic boundaries and limits early on. You're doing great work, Blueberry. It's sad people would do that to you. You who give so much.

[Blueberry]

I read your letter and it is hard to imagine a "friend" doing what yours did to you. They are not listening to you or supporting you. They don't have your back.

Thank you so much for writing that, Armee, but also for not writing it before I'd more or less come to this conclusion myself. Yes, these two 'friends' are not listening to me. They are not supporting me. One of them thinks she is - the irony! - but she isn't. Idk exactly what the other one thinks.

I kept getting triggered and having my fears escalated because I had so many people in my life who were ... I thought it was my fault there was something wrong with me ...

Those two thoughts stand out for me. Yes, I keep getting triggered by friends or just my anxiety goes up and/or I think I have to explain myself and my actions. Explaining myself is a re-enactment of my life with FOO where I explained and explained to no avail. I've even explained as an adult relatively recently but FOO gaslights in various ways. They play with me basically and my friends so-called know quite a lot of this but still think better communication on my part or mediation could help the situation. 
So they are seeing something WRONG IN ME. They don't see or even acknowledge how much is wrong with my parents' behaviour and how that not only helped form me but also traumatised me. For the moment I still feel flabbergasted but I think the anger will come. Anger at 'friends' for criticising me for behaviour traits that developed through traumatisation but those same friends think I should be more tolerant of FOO and their behaviour that caused the traumatisation. 

It was really clear what you wrote Armee! Helpful too of course. My 'friends' are acting like my brothers and the one SIL. They see where I go wrong (in their eyes) but they have no inkling of their contribution to the situation ie. that they are treating me badly and one has decided I have a different definition of friendship from her because she believes in communication, even with people who have hurt her (without noticing btw that I also still communicate with FOO just not the way FOO always wants). I sense that with her 'different definition' she means 'right definition' or maybe 'adult definition' whereas my saying she has to choose between me and FOO - well, she sees that as immature, wrong. Something I should grow out of. 

They say over on OOTF: Don't JADE. But that's what I do, I Justify, I Defend my actions and decisions and I Explain over and over again, trying to be heard, as I tried to be heard in FOO but it isn't working, it doesn't work. It doesn't work with these friends either because, yeah, they don't have the same definition of friendship that I have and they don't understand relational trauma though they think they do.

It's hard for me to believe that there are people out there who behave differently IRL (it is different on the forum imho because we don't see and hear each other in 3-D so to speak and don't have any of the normal conflicts that just happen when 2 or more people live, play, work together). I suppose I'm pretty much a Fawn in relationships though sometimes I switch to Fight. Other people tend to see the Fight. Sometimes I'm Freeze as well. In fact, maybe the Fawn is really just a Freeze? Going back into the role of a traumatised child without even noticing I'm re-enacting that. What did I do as a child when I wasn't JADE-ing? I disappeared, I made myself small, I silently agreed with other people, I didn't speak my mind. And that's what I mostly did with 'wrong definition of friendship' friend. About certain things I could speak my mind but if the opposite or even just a different nuance was important to her, she'd shut me up. She knows how. Not that she ever even said 'shut up' or 'be quiet' the way M does/did but when she sets a boundary, I recognise it. She doesn't even recognise mine. I don't think that's all my fault. I think there is some arrogance going on she thinks she knows better than me and doesn't accept I have legitimate boundaries.

There's worse but I have to take a break for a while.

[Blueberry]

This isn't actually the continuation though connected. atm I'm uncertain about whether to go to T or switch to video after all. I'd really like to go in person but we have a nation-wide storm warning and there are a couple of places on the railway line with trees which are liable to fall onto the line. Though the storm warning isn't quite as bad in this region as in others. Still a bird in the hand (video) is probably worth two in the bush.

Anyway, between keeping an eye on the storm developments, I decided to have a little read on OOTF and found this under the Do Nots: Don't sustain any situation or relationship where you do not have the option to say "no" where it is reasonable to do so. Nobody who is a true friend will demand "yes" 100% of the time. Healthy relationships are two-way streets - not one-way streets and anyone who is a true friend or who truly loves you will give as much as they receive. With one of the two 'friends', I don't have the option to say "No" in certain circumstances which I think are very important. Yes, I can say 'no, I don't want to see that movie, I'd prefer to see a different one.' Or 'No, dropping by at 4pm won't work, but I could come at 3pm or in 2days etc'. But where my 'No' is not acceptable to her is when I am defending myself or standing up for myself.  (I start breathing out angrily, the way my T has suggested and has practised with me in his office). Sometimes in these situations, I haven't said 'No' in so many words but I'm showing and/or expressing that I disagree with certain behaviour of third-parties, but 'friend' thought it was appropriate to squash my impulse(s). And although this 'friend' would undoubtedly think and say that she is giving and giving and giving and up until recently I would have thought so too and did sometimes feel a burden or just that I didn't give enough of concrete things like invitation to dinner at my place or something and then felt guilty or ashamed, I'm now seeing that with the two-way street they mention, it's important for both parties to receive and that receiving could also mean hearing and accepting a limit. I do that for her, she doesn't do it for me. So in that respect I give far too much of things I should not be giving anybody else - my autonomy, power and decision-making over myself, my future. I can't remember who came up with the saying 'Watch your thoughts, they become your words, your deeds, your character...' The flip-side just invented by me rn: Watch your thoughts, they might become the words you don't say, the deeds you don't carry out and then a character trait of powerlessness, learned helplessness, victim-status. All of which have a powerful impact on my future.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I hope the storm in your area passed without too much trouble.  I also appreciate the reminder of OOTF - that forum supported me before I understand CPTSD.  It is a great resource. 

[Not Alone]

It seems I just need this place (OOTS) to write, even though it's often just lists of what I've accomplished that I think I 'should' just be able to write in my paper Journal. Oh, there's that should again.

You write much more than lists of accomplishments on OOTS, but even if that was all you wrote, it would be okay. For those of us with c-PTSD, there are days when doing certain tasks takes Herculean effort. Those things are worthy of being shared and  . Other times the tasks are just too much, and you are worthy of care and compassion.

Also, hearing how much anger, pain, and energy the issues with your friends is taking.