One day at a time

[Windflower]

Feeling very discouraged today. I found three supplements that I thought were helping my response to triggers. I felt real relief for the first time in years for a few days. Then numb, which is still better than the pain. But today it's worn off no matter how high a dose I take. It's discouraging that nothing seems to help in the long term. And that I went so far as to tell my best friend (and primary support) that I was doing better. Now I feel like a liar and I'm afraid to tell her it's bad again.

I want to scream and cry but I can't until after work and that just makes it worse.

I just want relief. Not even complete just enough that I can manage basic things like seeing friends and work.

It's a hard day.

[woodsgnome]

I feel badly for that turn of events, Windflower. While it's unfortunate the initial good vibes of the supplement faded, it's also encouraging to note that it was there, for however long and for whatever reason. Meaning -- there are good things, too. It just often takes longer than we wish it would.

I've had many awful days, yet somehow find ways to stay with building up what was a shaky foundation. It just can be so slow, so repetitive, and sometimes almost entirely discouraging.

It won't be this bad everyday -- as you recently experienced, there are at least moments when the light seems to still be there. There's always a light that somehow can find its way through. 

[Windflower]

A very apt reminder, thank you woodsgnome.

It's a better day today. Fighting the anxiety that by saying it's a good day it's all gonna go to * soon but I'm trying to learn to take things a day and hour at a time. To not allow myself to be conceited enough to think that I'm completely a victim with no choices at all.

Maybe I can't choose my symptoms, the severity, my memories, my triggers. But I can choose to allow it to be what it is. To dwell on the good when it happens and not run from the bad, awful as it is.

So today I felt really good for a whole hour! Watched a favorite show (supernatural anyone?) and was able to actually laugh out loud. Usually struggle to have enough energy to outwardly laugh even if I internally register something as hilarious.

I do think taking 5HTP daily is doing something positive in my brain. It's gradual, but a steady change when I pair it with ashwaganda and other potent herbs. It hasn't lessened the pain I'm in, but rather given me strength to maintain some control (not in a bad obsessive way). To not cry quite so easily. To withstand the self destructive urges til they pass. To focus my thoughts on true things.

I've also started writing songs as a way to express what happened to me as a child. I've tried writing my story hundreds of times but it's always too triggering or just not expressive enough. But writing songs has actually been a helpful thing because then I can sing them with all the passion I feel inside and get it out. It's a way to scream without freaking out my neighbors.

I've also found myself getting angry more easily. And that is the best thing ever. I've always been so afraid of becoming bitter (like I used to be) that I just shut down and couldn't get really mad ever. Mildly irritated but no anger. And let me tell you - as opposed to the weakening effects of bitterness - anger is empowering and clarifying. My new favorite quote: "Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." - Maya Angelou

So maybe my life isn't gonna become some kind of normal. Maybe I won't be cured. But maybe that's ok and I'm strong for how I'm taking responsibility for what I should and learning to let the hard stuff be. And because I can take something healthy that actually makes a difference.

[sanmagic7]

maybe that's ok, indeed, windflower.  i think so.  there's no way of predicting how we'll be from one day/hour to the next.  i think acknowledging and accepting that is a lovely step to take on our roads of healing.  sending love and hugs (if that's ok)

[woodsgnome]

Along the lines of how the light finds us, and why even on the worst of days it might help, I found this quote by former astronaut Eugene Cernak: "..."there is only light if sunlight has something to shine on. When the sun shines through space, it's black. The light must have something to strike."

Instantly I thought of how this relates so well to times when it seems bleak, and all is darkness, but that the light can still find us through it all.

I hope this finds you well and living in what light that is shining through; or will. 

[Windflower]

So true. It's such a rollercoaster and not fighting that is hard but not impossible.

Love that quote! Very interesting and applicable.

[Windflower]

I'm crashing again real bad. Managing not to self injure but I am absolutely wrecked. I didn't sleep more than 20 minutes at a time for 3 weeks and now my brain just shuts down so I have to but the nightmares are so bad (have been for 7 years) that I'm really shaken up. I am so used to them I can externally roll with it and get up and fire myself up for the day but the images are so vivid and awful and right there in my head all the time. Feels like my eyes are seared I walk around all day and can't even open my eyes all the way they're so puffy. I'm so disoriented on awakening at 2 am I could easily hurt myself to just get it to stop. Been there done that. I take a lot of supplements for anxiety, insomnia and depression related symptoms but nothing - including journaling them and positive behaviors before bed - helps in the least. It's very discouraging and I find myself very lonely. Not to be a sap but man I'd kill for somebody to sit with me after them. It's the child in me that never had anyone to sit with me when the real life nightmares happened as I grew up I guess. I'm just fried.