Being close to people as a trigger

[Bumblebee]

Hi all,

I’m new to the community with my partner recently having had symptoms of his cptsd flare up. For many years he was in control of his symptoms and they rarely troubled him.

Since March he has cut contact with me down to a minimum. He has explained that being close to people is triggering him at the moment, and this has happened before with his ex partners and family members. He’s always found a way to end things with ex partners and keep family members at arms length.

We have spoken about it at length and he recognises that it’s hurting me to be in a relationship with limited contact, and we both want to make it work.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any tips on how I can help him? I should mention he is not in therapy and is reluctant to try as he had a negative experience in his teens when he was first diagnosed. I’ve researched and seen loads of positive reactions to alternative therapies like EMDR. Does anyone have any experience of that in helping relationships?

Thank you

[saylor]

Hi Bumblebee,

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this sad situation with your partner. CPTSD can definitely pose challenges in relationships. Worth bearing in mind is that a lot of us with CPTSD also have "insecure attachment", and that majorly affects the way we view and interact with others. Paradoxically, a lot of us sufferers want some form of human connection, but at the same time, feel unsafe around others. That's natural, because the source of our trauma was other people (often people upon whom we were forced to depend, and whom we should have been able to trust).

Speaking for myself, my list of triggers has grown longer over the years, and I've found it harder to be around people as I've aged (because people are a major source of triggers!) I've even allowed relationships to die because of this, and it has always boiled down to feeling a need to protect myself at all costs. Things that may seem like no big deal to you may be inexplicably frightening or otherwise upsetting to your partner. He, himself, might not even realize or fully comprehend what's bothering him—he may just know that he needs to get away. A really good therapist could potentially help him sort through this, but I understand him being leery of that. I also had a terrible therapist interaction that has put me off of therapy indefinitely, for better or for worse...

You asked what you can do to help him. I'd say that if he's telling you that he needs some space, he probably means it. If you're having a hard time giving him space, and you press him for more interaction before he's ready, you may end up pushing him further away. And it's worth noting that getting triggered isn't always the reason to isolate. For me, sometimes it's because I'm going through an extra-intense bout of depression, and that makes it hard to be motivated to interact with others, or makes me fear getting embarrassed about how I come across (let's face it, no one wants to be around a Debbie Downer). Sometimes I'm dissociating a lot for whatever reason, and I just can't "be present" for others, no matter how badly I want to and how hard I try to focus and engage. Basically, there could be all kinds of reasons for his withdrawal—some may have to do with you; others (possibly all) may have nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Eventually he may be able to participate fully in your relationship again, but that could take a while... While giving him space, if nothing else, you can assure him that you care, and that he's welcomed to reach out when it feels right, and that you'll do what you can to support him. And he will need to do a lot of work on his own end. It's hard work. There are fits and starts to the healing process (sometimes I feel I'm slipping backwards, despite earlier gains). Along those lines, it's important to realize that, even if he comes back around sometime soon, he may "go dark" again at some point down the line.

In trying to answer your question, I'm thinking right now about my relationship with my current partner, and why it seems to be working (and has been for years), whereas my past relationships didn't (often, I think, due in part to my CPTSD symptoms). I give my partner a ton of credit for our success. He's really good at supporting me in the ways I need support; he never seems to trigger me (which is pretty amazing, since I'm so easily triggered); he gives me the space I sometimes need without my having to press for it; he doesn't push me to be more functional than I can be at any given moment (or shame me when I can't); and he rolls with my unfortunate quirks like a saint (e.g., he has witnessed some of my most heinous emotional flashbacks, and miraculously they haven't caused him to sour on me). But I also make great effort to do my part, and to this end, I sometimes have to remind myself that it's not all about me, and that I must try to see to my partner's needs, too, even though I'm often distracted and exhausted by my symptoms. Even under the best circumstances, it can be hard to make relationships work when CPTSD is in the picture, but the rewards can be incredible, and a loving, safe relationship can also be very helpful to the sufferer in the healing process—especially for earning secure attachment.

I have limited experience with EMDR. I believe some people on the forum have expressed that it has helped them, so maybe they'll chime in. I've read elsewhere that it doesn't necessarily work well for CPTSD (because of the "C" part). There are other therapies, however, like Internal Family Systems, that certain folks here have said is helping them.

Bottom line: There is hope, but any healing is likely to be slow and non-linear. His need to isolate right now is probably not something he considers optional, but you have a right to have your own needs met, and you don't owe it to him to stick around in limbo indefinitely if he can't be there for you within a reasonable timeframe (and only you can know what that is). Hopefully he can find some relief from what he's going through and the two of you can find a solution that brings you both peace and wellbeing over the long term, but please take good care of yourself in the meantime. 

[Bumblebee]

Hi Saylor,

Thank you so much for the kind and detailed response. It is so helpful to hear about your experiences. I'm really glad that you've managed to find happiness in your relationship, and that your partner is able to be supportive of you.

I have been researching insecure attachment since you mentioned it and it sounds familiar. I've also been looking into the Internal Family Systems therapy. I'm not sure if my partner will ever want to explore getting professional help, but it's good to know about the different options just in case.

I think you've given good advice about my partner's need to isolate not being optional. I'm going to try and focus on myself for now but will let him know that I'm here when he's ready.

Thank you again, and take care 

[deepbreaths]

Hi Bumblebee,

It sounds like you are a really dedicated partner and are working hard to support your loved-one.

I don't know that I can be super-helpful if only because I'm much better at pushing people away than keeping them close. But, I do want to suggest digging further into the specific triggers your partner is experiencing. I find, as Saylor mentioned, that I have a desire for closeness, so it's usually some other trigger rather than "closeness". For example, it could be that he's feeling vulnerable and afraid of being hurt or rejected, it could be certain forms of communication (I find texting and face-to-face to be more stressful when I am triggered but can still write longer-form letters), and to try to address your relationship, you might need to figure out what specific behaviors you can modify to help.

I'll also say that many of us use caring for others as a way to keep ourselves safe, but when we get overwhelmed taking care of others can take away our ability to care for ourselves, so sometimes space and the assurance that you'll stick around can be what's needed.

I briefly tried EMDR (I didn't get along with the therapist though) and found that at least initially it actually exacerbated my symptoms. A bit like cleaning a room, it's going to get messier before it actually gets clean. And this is true with any type of therapy or recovery work, but if he usually has a lower background of symptoms, I wouldn't necessarily suggest starting EMDR while in crisis. Especially if he's wary of therapists. Just my two cents.

I hope you are able to make progress.