Trying this out

[dollyvee]

Hi Everyone,

I came across OOTS almost a year ago but never read the Welcome to the Forum/Introductory post message. So, here I am, back again after a little break. 

I realized I had CPTSD about four/five years ago after dating a narcissist. I remembered what my old therapist said about my mom being a narcissist after I kept getting blamed in the relationship and felt like I was going crazy. It took a good 10 years for that to sink in from when he first said it, but I started looking into narcissism. He also diagnosed me as a little Borderline/Histrionic but that's another topic for another time as I can see a lot of you are aware  Through attending a NPD recovery group, someone mentioned Pete Walker's CPTSD book and everything started to make more sense. I've been doing EMDR with a new therapist for the past few years and found both growth and some relief from anxiety. There's also other family trauma like my father's suicide when I was 14 but that's a different topic too. Or is it? TBD

I guess a little bit about me and what I experience: anxiety, difficulty getting close to people; anxiety when people get too close; feeling like I'm constantly bullied or get into situations where I have to fight back; a lot of self doubt (this is getting better with EMDR and therapy I think - I can begin to see now some of the good things that I bring to the table and how it isn't always me). Relationships with other women - feeling like I'm being bullied/in competition all the time/belittled. Control is probably in here too. I'd say I'm a high functioning person with CPTSD. I think most people wouldn't think I have this stuff going on. Others think I'm crazy 

Over the past few months (maybe more), I feel like I have overwhelming emotions/anxiety that I can't seem to get to the bottom of or control. Last time when I came to OOTS, I had a sense of why I was triggered (dating someone who was ghosting me - a big trigger as they "seemed" into it). This time, I'm not sure. It could be the last EMDR session I had during lockdown (got into issues with the neighbours over noise/felt like they were bullying me) or I've just read that apparently people who have had Covid will experience some mental disorder (anxiety, depression) after having it. Ever since I came back to work after lockdown, I've felt like my responses to stress were much more heightened.

I think the forum is a great resource of people who feel the same things as me and "get it." I've often felt like not a lot of people understand how I feel, and is helpful to read that people are going through similar issues and there's not something "wrong" with us   

I came across some posts on IFS this week and listened to a couple of the youtube seminars that Snowdrop (?) posted and it's blown my mind. A lot of things have been coming up in the last couple months that align with what Richard Schwartz says. I might start a recovery journal to explore some of the parts and my relationship to them in the hopes that some of you understand. I'm not sure my therapist knows IFS but she is supportive.

Hope everyone gets the recovery they need,
dollyvee

[Snowdrop]

Pleased to meet you, dollyvee.

Yes, it could well have been me who posted the YouTube links to IFS. I find it fascinating, and it's helped me tremendously over the past year.

[Not Alone]

Glad you are reading and posting on OOTS, receiving support. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks  nice to meet you all

I think you posted as well in your journal Snowdrop about shamanic healing and IFS? Look forward to hearing more about your experiences with it. So far it's opened up the possibility of understanding what's behind my anxiety and not seeing it as "something that I need to change." EMDR is great, but I wonder if it gets to things that "parts" are protecting because they haven't been acknowledged and are reluctant to let go (and then I go into self sabotage).

RS's definition of self that's in all of us without the "spiritual bypass" (as he calls it) is really interesting. Who knew that 18 years later my self healing journey could maybe come full circle and integrate everything? Amazed at all these advances in psychology and understanding of traumatic experience.

[Snowdrop]

I think you posted as well in your journal Snowdrop about shamanic healing and IFS?

I find that combining IFS with shamanic journeying works really well. The journeying aspect adds extra richness to the IFS model. It seems to give me greater access to my parts so that I can meet up with them, and help and heal them.

If you want to learn more about IFS, I can recommend the book "Internal Family Systems Therapy" by RS and Martha Sweezy. It was my main starting point.

[marta1234]

Welcome dollyvee  Sending you lots of support for your healing journey 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Snowdrop - I'll have a look for that book.

Thanks for the welcome marta