Triggered, angry, and isolating

[Second Son]

A week ago my PTSD was triggered by a neighbor who thought it was humorous to block me when I tried driving past him.
My anger went ballistic, it felt exactly the same as when I had been continuously harassed by a higher ranked petty officer in the military.

I talked with my therapist whom I've been seeing for about 18 months. She was zero help and suggested that I may have caused the incident. I ended the session after 15 minutes and canceled all my future appointments with her.
I know I'm angry, I usually bury my anger deep down.
My wife is lashing out at me for being angry and for me trying to isolate from family.
She said I'm mentally ill and that was probably why my father rejected me and put me in foster homes.
Does anyone else feel a total lack of support from the people who are suppose to care ?
After 30 years of marriage I'm trying to figure out if I can afford my own place

[dollyvee]

Thanks for sharing SS, you're heard.

I have similar reactions lately when I'm being challenged or "threatened." I guess there's still that part that gets taken back to the place where we were helpless and had to give in and all those feelings (shame for me I think) come out. I'm trying to undo the source of the anger - things that kept me safe at a time when others didn't but also may not so useful in my current life sometimes. My reaction is can be clouded by this "old stuff."

I'm hoping for you that your wife can understand the place it's coming from and that you are not mentally ill. As hard as it may be, or not, I hope you do what's best for that little boy inside who was mistreated by his father and listen to what he has to say.

[Second Son]

Dollyvee, Thank you for your understanding reply. I'm sorry that you had the experiences that caused shame. I like your idea of undoing the source of anger. I think abusers project their own feelings of shame towards others.
It helps me to hear kind words from you.
My wife had a pretty typical "normal" childhood and  can't possibly understand what how it feels to be abused and betrayed by parents.  I haven't even told her everything thats happened to me.
Thank you again for your kind words

[dollyvee]

There are a lot of ppl on here I think that share your experiences and understand what it feels like to be alone in this. I found some of the threads under Disturbed Relationships helpful to read and show that I'm not alone in feeling like this (and it's not something "wrong" with me) . I was asked by one therapist years ago to think about the experiences I was having, not emotions, but the facts of a situation, and that has helped somewhat. It gets tricky as you start to wonder about ppl's motivations but that's another part of healing.

I often find ppl "messing with me" and other ppl not acknowledging it or just expecting you to stand up for yourself when you never had an experience of being able to do that. If you've never been allowed to have boundaries how can you know to set them? Maybe I'm cynical, but I think it's hard for a lot of ppl to have empathy for something if it threatens their comfortable world view, no matter how right or wrong it is. They will see you as weak or deficient no matter the reasons why you are the way you are. But again, maybe I'm cynical. However, if you've never told her she might be wondering what's happening and want to be supportive but doesn't understand how she can help yet.

Coincidentally, I had a zoom course last night that dealt with bullying in the workplace. It confirmed what I thought, that I was not imagining these microaggressions from people. That certain ppl/bullies have grown up testing ppls limits and boundaries for their own / to feel better about themselves. They groom you to see what they can get away with and if, like me, you grew up with a fear of ppl being aggressive towards you or unfair treatment, they will pick up on this.

Thank you, I do think my step father had/has shame in him as a person and came from an abusive family. However, this isn't really something I want to forgive him for or let slide. He had a choice as an adult, just as I do, about how he wants to live his life and either deal with it or use it to treat ppl badly. I guess the anger is there  because I had to take it on at that time and everyone around me seemed fine with it. It's a hard one to let go of when it threatens your sense of right and wrong.

Hope you get the healing you deserve.