Frustrated at my limitations

[Rainydaze]

I've had a really busy couple of days and got loads done, but I've pushed it too far and I'm now stressed and agitated. I've been doing very well lately with self-care and giving myself time to breathe, meditate and do yoga, which all really helps to ground me, but it's so hard finding a balance between that and having to 'adult'.

It's made me see how much I'm likely to struggle when I go back to working in the office in the new year following the second UK lockdown (which admittedly I'm pushing a bit, some colleagues have been going in fairly regularly and there is pressure for me to go back sooner). I won't be able to have a quiet 10 minutes laying down on the bed when things get overwhelming, or to go water my plants when the screen is hurting my eyes and the phone's shrilling at me too much, and I'll have to present as always being "ok" to colleagues and visitors. I feel abnormal and guilty for needing that extra self-care and for coping so badly with every day life things that other people seem to have no trouble with. H asked me yesterday if I would be going into the office today to get some things done and it tipped me over the edge; NO! I would have been far too on edge and stressed to be in that place today. It felt like he was pressuring me and I think he was shocked when I told him how stressed out the thought made me. I think having had so many months at home and being allowed the opportunity for fewer triggers and better self-care (which has done wonders for me) it's going to feel like a big step backwards.

I really want to leave that incredibly unsuitable workplace and I will, I know I will and I WILL create a better set of circumstances for myself, I just seem to constantly have things to do which get in the way of planning to get out of there! I sell things in my own time and I want to focus my time and effort on that, but there always seems to be something that gets in the way of me being able to prioritise it, which in turn extends the time I have to spend working at the job I hate. It's frustrating. Just needed a moan. 

[Not Alone]

I feel abnormal and guilty for needing that extra self-care and for coping so badly with every day life things that other people seem to have no trouble with.

If someone were in a wheelchair, a ramp up stairs, wide enough doorways, etc. would be "extra" care they would need. Our injuries are just as real, but they are internal and not seen. The extra care is legitimate. I understand the guilt. I have to remind myself that what I'm going through is real and very hard and it is okay for me to do such and such to help me cope.

[Snookiebookie2]

 

This really resonated with me.  Very profound.

[Rainydaze]

Thanks you notalone, you're right. It's that whole hidden illness thing. I know how hard I find everything when I don't do enough self care so I'm not sure why I always think I can skip it and still be ok. 

[Dark.art.girl]

Again, a little late to this party.
But I wanted to say that this really resonated with me as well. The struggle of maintaining your own pace of self-care or maintaining the pace of productivity is one of the hardest things that this stupid disorder has to offer on the daily. I'm super proud of you for having the initiative to not judge your feelings and have them flow freely, but also being open with those around you and setting boundaries for your own mental health.
That's super important, and it's something I need to work on myself. So you're ahead of the game on this one.
You should be proud of yourself. Much love, xoxo