Pioneer's Journal

[Pioneer]

This seems like an odd time to start a journal. I am in a weird place of happiness, satisfaction and raw sadness. Healing is happening. But it feels scary, new, uncertain...yet hopeful at times when I let it be.

I just found out the other day, and it's still sinking in, that my husband will be having a procedure soon to see if he has blockage in one of his arteries. It will be a low risk procedure to check his artery and do any repair work, but it is still shocking that he may be having heart surgery. We are in our early 30's and he has had a lot of undiagnosed health issues. Maybe this is the solution to a big part of them

So, I feel raw. And I feel courage at the same time. And a peace somehow in the midst.

I am really enjoying listening to a Christian song called "Lift my eyes" by "I Am They":
https://youtu.be/Xrg--2XtKRM
Some of the lyrics that really touch my heart say:

"More than answers, more than healing
God, Your presence is enough
I lift my eyes to Heaven and remember
You're still where my help comes from"

[Not Alone]

Even though the heart procedure for you husband is low risk, still scary. I hope, also, that this helps with health issues he has been having.

Thank you for sharing the song. I haven't heard that one before. I really like it. I added it to one of my playlists. I'm also going to share it with a core group of my friends. Thanks!

[Pioneer]

Thanks, notalone! That means a lot. And I'm glad you like the song. It came out in a new album about a month ago, and it caught my attention 

[Pioneer]

I am feeling lots of emotions deep within, all gurgling and beginning to bubble. I feel a courage and hope and joy mixed in there too. I think I need a way to comfort my feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, sorrow, shock... I am thinking about trying a nap in a little bit (that can have mixed results for me).

My husband had his preop tests today, and so I got up earlier than normal and I am tired. It was good for me to get up earlier, since having the emotional ability to get up early is extremely difficult for me. So, I have some valid reasons for being tired, but honestly I think it's all the emotions that are doing me in.

We are hoping to spend Thanksgiving with some friends tomorrow and my mind often tries to sabotage healthy times with people around me. So, this is part of it, too.

We are also hoping to reach out to one of my uncles who is healthy and solid. Otherwise, we have gone NC with the entirety of my family. My husband has been working on a detailed message to my uncle. Last time we tried contact him, I fell apart so badly that we had to back off. But we would really like to establish some contact and believe that it would ultimately we healthy for us moving forward and dealing with some of the trauma.

So, I have plenty of reasons to be emotional. But I don't want to get buried in it  and lose sight of all the good and healing that it happening. I normally dive further under those bricks when I feel overwhelmed. But I don't want to do that this time.

I am going to list some things that I am thankful for, so I can better keep track of the goodness mixed into my reality:

- Jesus who is always with me and who understands me completely
- my husband who loves me
- the opportunity for my husband to have his heart checked and hopefully fixed if need be
- good homeschool curriculum that I am using to teach my oldest - and we have been pretty consistent and successful with learning and she is really soaking it up! 
- beautiful Fall weather
- I am getting much more caught up with housework, and feeling healthier to get more done
- we were given free food this past weekend and we got enough to share with some friends!
- I am enjoying our cats - I haven't had cats as pets since I was desensitized from them at a young age by trauma
- learning to identify the voices of my critics and call them out
- feeling hopeful that we can complete our business projects and make progress, even with all the roadblocks

[Pioneer]

My husband had his heart procedure today and it went well, the doctor said. They didn't find any issues or blockage. This might sound strange  but we were honestly hoping that something would be found because many of his mystery/undiagnosed symptoms could be explained by an artery blockage. So, we feel a bit at a loss as to figuring out how to help him feel better. He just hasn't been able to function well, and we'd like some answers...we have a business to get going and run and kids to take care of and no income. But it almost feels like we are back to ground zero after pursuing tests and a diagnosis for quite some time.
I struggle with depression. So, the thought of trying to start a new day tomorrow is terrifying, I am hesitant to go to bed. I feel like I will fall apart and drag my family down with me...which I know is not the attitude to have leading into tomorrow. But I am just overwhelmed and not sure how to "unload" all these emotions. Trying to write them out and process them is probably a good start.
Our friends and family are glad that all went well with the procedure, and while I know that some understand to a degree, I feel alone in my deep disappointment and discouragement that we didn't get any answers to our questions. I know my husband is feeling it, too, so I will try to seek mutual understanding and comfort there with him. Trying to seek more trust and breaking down bad barriers in our relationship.
Thanks for reading 

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad it went well, Pioneer, but I'm sorry there's still so much uncertainty. Hang in there, Pioneer.

[Pioneer]

Thank you, Snowdrop! Sending a hug back to you Thank you for acknowledging and affirming how I am feeling. That felt very comforting. I ended up doing really well today. I took it a bit easier and went at my own pace, and that was healthy self care. I also showed my husband what I had written, and it was comforting to know that he had read it.

[Not Alone]

I have had friends who have had undiagnosed physical issues. The stress of the unknown and the added pressure of trying to figure out a diagnosis is a heavy weight.

[Pioneer]

Thanks, notalone! It is a heavy weight... Yet I know there is hope even in the tiredness and unknowns.

While I was writing and processing the other night, I did realize that my husband has a procedure coming up to hopefully help with his migraines - which should help alleviate some of his issues as well. It was too much for me to verbalize that in the midst of the discouragement last week.

And then his procedure got moved up to tomorrow. So, while I am still reeling from everything that has happened this past week (as well as the grief of my sister's birthday who I am NC with), I am excited to see how this helps him. I don't feel all the "good feeling" emotions of excitement, but that is ok. I feel a calm little sense of hope.

I also feel a bit anxious because I have a tendency to self-sabotage, and that includes doing it to my husband. Success is one of my biggest triggers. There is a fear deep inside me that powerfully tries to destroy when things are going well. It is not really me. But I am trying to navigate healing that part of me, a step at a time. I have lots of unanswered questions there too, but again there is a sense of hope.

[Pioneer]

Today was a successful day as a family. We spent family time and had fun practicing for an upcoming Christmas play that we are all in 

Sunday evenings tend to be triggering for me... Maybe it's because we finished up a week and I'm overwhelmed to enter the next. I also got triggered when my husband started working on a project for our business. I think I'm discovering that my inner child feels afraid when he tries to take care of me. It's been a hard cycle. He was pleading with me to let him work. But I was fleeing and freezing and seeing him as the enemy.

Once I explained it better after a bit, I think he understood. But he had already needed to stop working and he called it a night as a result of the stress.
That has been a vicious cycle.

My inner critic is shaming me. I am just admitting that I need to do some inner child work. I'm not sure where to start.

Maybe I'll start by trying to get myself to bed, because I'm scared to go to bed.

[marta1234]

Hey Pioneer, I wanted to pop by and send my support and a hug (if it's ok). I understand you finding Sunday evenings triggering, when I used to be in school the weekends were always a huge trigger for me. I hope you find some ressources that'll help you take care of your inner child.
Trying to go to bed is a big step, glad you're trying to heal that (I also am scared to go to bed). Hope your Monday is ok 

[Not Alone]

 

[Pioneer]

Thank you, marta and notalone! And I do like hugs

[Pioneer]

I am tired, and trying to tell myself that it is ok to feel tired  The week has been going well, and I can see that I am recovering and healing. I am having more awareness of my inner child - I'm thinking she's around the age of 5. She gets scared at various things and I'm trying to be more aware of that and let my husband know. That has been helpful for us.

For a long time now, I've noticed that I have a very small amount of emotional energy for my 6 year old daughter. Perhaps the fact that part of my mind is "stuck" in a similar age has something to do with it... Or it's because I was never taught to have sincere emotional energy for others. Not sure.

On a different note, I have a lot to be thankful for. Some good friends gave us a beautiful Christmas tree and ornaments - and we had fun as a family decorating it. It is a huge win to say that we had fun, because family times have been a trigger for me. The kids really enjoyed it. We were also given some toys for the kids from an organization, and I'm excited for what was given to them (they haven't seen them yet). And we were given some free food today, too. And it is working out for us to stay in the home that we are making for ourselves. So, even though the medical progress, and emotional healing and progress with our business is going slower than we had hoped - we are taken care of. And I feel a warm comfort in that. I feel like I am beginning to live again. It is an up and down journey I know, but healing is happening.

We have financial catching up to do in the coming months and maybe years, but I am also learning not to make that such a stronghold, crippling worry in my mind. That worry has been a big, shameful destruction in my life. One step at a time

I have also been getting to bed sooner too and actually wanting to wake up!! I've been waiting "forever" to actually accomplish that sleep pattern. I am so excited and grateful.

We will see how the coming days go with these new patterns that are trying to form. Thank you all for your encouragement and support 

[owl25]

Sounds like you're doing well, pioneer. I am glad your family time with the kids is going well