Pioneer's Journal

Started by Pioneer, November 21, 2020, 07:45:36 AM

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Pioneer

Thanks, owl!  :) It means a lot to have the support. It's been incredibly helpful to have this community in my life.

Not Alone

Quote from: Pioneer on December 11, 2020, 09:43:03 PM
It is a huge win to say that we had fun, because family times have been a trigger for me.
:cheer:    :hug:

Pioneer


Pioneer

I am feeling overwhelming depressed at the moment. I know I am triggered by all the good that is going on in our lives. And I am anxious about the hard, the areas that I am not grieving well, and overwhelmed and blowing some things out of proportion and sabotaging everything.
I don't have the emotional energy to say more right now.

Snowdrop

I'm sorry, Pioneer. Is there anything you can do to bring comfort to yourself? Maybe a soft blanket, or a cup of hot tea? Sending you hugs of support. :hug:

Pioneer

Thanks, Snowdrop! I will try some tea and a blanket  :) That will be a good start  :hug:

marta1234

Pioneer, I wanted to pop by and send you my support and a hug (if it's ok)  :hug: I understand you're feelings and frustration around the good that is going on in life. I also struggle with this, it brings back unsafe memories for me from my childhood, when anything good could be taken away from me.

Sending you love and support, and I second Snowdrop, a blanket and warm drink is a good place to start :) I hope you're feeling a bit better today (if you can), and in any case, here's a warm and safe hug  :hug:

Pioneer

Thanks you, Marta  :hug: It's affirming to hear you say that you can also struggle with the good things because they take you back to feeling like the good could be taken away. I think this is true for me, too. I can see it more clearly from the abuse I went through as an adult, but the childhood memories/ thought processes in that particular area are still not very clear. Thank you for your support  :)

I am doing better than I was a couple days ago. I still feel fragile though. We had some good communication with some FOO (an uncle and aunt) which was good, but a lot to process. I think as a result, my teenage self is emerging from the depths and I am having internal turmoil. 

Along with that, my husband seems to be doing better physically after getting injections for his migraines. That is very encouraging. But it is also triggering for me because I get afraid of it getting taken away and that I am not enough to support him, so I put on the brakes really hard and become what I fear. I tend to take control and create havoc. So, my h and I are both tired emotionally. But I cautiously think we are on the upswing.

One step at a time, even when the steps feel like they go backward sometimes...

Pioneer

*TW*

I am feeling tired somewhat emotionally numb today. My very dear father-in-law passed away suddenly over the weekend. He had been sick for quite a while and honestly had survived longer than initially expected, which I am so thankful for.

There's definitely a sorrow and grief for my family to walk through. But we are surrounded by love, too. 

One thing that struck me over the past few days - my father-in-law had been very intentional about letting me know and reminding me that I was part of their family, that he liked me and was proud of me. He had really done this ever since my husband and I were seriously dating, but he was especially intentional ever since everything came down this year and we went NC with my side of the family. He was abandoned by his dad at an early age, so that may have given him some insight.

The main Sunday school teacher at our little church made a heartfelt comment recently that church family was his family because his "family is crazy"... and I briefly told him afterwards that it was the same for me, that church was a safe place (I might add that this particular church is a safe place, I have experienced the opposite to be true at some other places). That must have stuck in his mind, because when he texted back a response to my informing them about the sad news, he made a very clear comment that they were proud to be our family. I thought that it was pretty neat that someone else took up that mantle right away. Not a coincidence I think.

Snowdrop

Reading about your father-in-law warmed my heart. I'm sorry for your loss. :hug:

marta1234

Pioneer, I'm very sorry for your loss. As Snowdrop said, reading about your father-in-law warmed my heart too, and I'm happy that you have love surrounding you, even if it is a sad circumstance. Sending my love and support  :hug:

Not Alone

I am sorry for your loss. Beautiful that you can carry the love of your FIL in your heart.

Pioneer

Thank you, Snowdrop, marta and notalone! It's encouraging to hear you say that my FIL's love warmed your heart and also that I carry it with me.
It is a bitter-sweet time.  :hug:

Pioneer

*TW* for death and religion

The funeral and events for my FIL are happening this weekend. It struck me that he is no longer in pain or struggling to breathe. And I believe that because of his faith he is in heaven with Lord Jesus. I sincerely feel really happy for him.

And there is still a sorrow for myself. But I feel a comfort because of the love and acceptance he gave in his lifetime and the legacy of serving others that he left behind. He is an example of someone who experienced abandonment at an early age and was able to take that pain and become someone who was passionate about making sure that others didn't feel abandoned. I'd like to take that example and seek to do the same - starting being faithful with my own little family.

Pioneer

It feels like I took a long break from journaling, but I guess it's only been two weeks. I suppose it's been a long two weeks. I am still deeply grieving the loss of my FIL. This was a heavy blow, and it adds onto the grief of lossing my NPs who I went NC with last year.

Their loss is much different, as I realize I never truly had a relationship with them. With them I grieve the loss of never being accepted for who I was and for not being loved and nurtured by a parent - which I believe we all long for as children and I still long for.

I had started to do pretty well in a lot of ways before my FIL passed away. It seems that my journey lately normally involves a heavy setback once I start healing and recovering. Though healing is still happening, I can tell. I just feel a lot of pain. I am thankful to feel though. And I am more capable of crying lately which has been a welcome release at times.

I feel that I need the courage to move forward. We have so many exciting things that we are hoping for. Yet, I tell myself that we can't, that we're incapable to them...all the things my NPs taught me so well. I still believe them instead of the truth. I need to get them out of my head. I feel sad and scared.

I have to remind myself of the conversation my husband and I had yesterday. We've had so many neat plans and goals that have been sabotaged repeatedly by my NPs (directly and sometimes by their influence). And we have never fully succeeded at any of them since we got married nearly a decade ago. My h and I both took responsibility for our actions in all of this, and we acknowledge that there is grace and that we can move forward. I like being able to talk openly with my h. I feel more capable of that lately. That's a huge start.

I guess I just need to open to the suprises that await ahead. And wait. With an active sort of waiting.