My story with bullying. (May have trigger in it, I will try to be careful.)

[suffersilence]

Hey, 
I've read many topics and seems there are very few topics related to male sufferers of bullying or abuse. so I am going to share my story.   I was raised in a christian household, so I endured a very harsh upbringing, then I also endured bullying at school because I did not fit the normal "stereotype" of a male. I loved reading books, loved watching movies, loved solo sports. and in school those things are not normal.  I developed a serious case of survivor or emotional numbness when I reached teenager because the situation at home became more harder. To me, school was my escape, even with bullying at school. but how do you deal with verbal abuse at home, and bullying at school.  Naturally, I escaped by becoming more immersed in reading books, and using my bicycle as a form of stress relief. During my teen years, I would ride my bicycle every single day, for hours, and every single day, I would try to go as fast as I could. I had a speedometer on my bicycle, so I would cycle one day at 28 mph, or 44 kph, then the next day I would try to beat that record. I managed to reach 34 mph or 54 kph, by the time I graduated from high school. I was given an opportunity to escape my family, when an university accepted my application and it was on the other side of the country. I lived in the west, so this university was in the east coast. so I took it. went there. It was then that I realized I had no goals, no ambitions, no identity. I dropped out because I needed to focus on developing myself to decide goals and stuff.  Flash forward 20 years later, after enduring jobs and jobs, and changes of jobs, and moving farther away from my FOO, and trying to figure out what is my goals, what is my passion, I finally decide to see a counsellor because of a situation at work and I realized it was not normal for me to react that way. 

anyway...I still struggle with triggers caused by people who are around me, ie my boss, someone who work with me, social media, etc, and I still struggle with my goals and identity, however I am slowly reaching my identity and I am content that I have a safe group of friends that I can enjoy outing with, but I am still struggling with jobs and goals and ambitions. I just learned more about CPTSD and suspect I do have it because I keep getting triggered by things that normal people wouldn't get triggered, I am always keeping things on the "straight and narrow" so that things don't go chaotic on me, I tend to be vigilant to the point that it is considered not normal for example, refusing to sit at a table with people behind me.

Anyway, sorry for the long story, but its my story.  I hope this story will help people know they are not alone because I do know male tend to be alone and suffer in silence for years and years, and we need to break that stigma that male never suffer, male are supposed to be strong and tough, but male do have inner emotional turmoil that sometimes overspill in bad ways, and I hope this will be a safe place for people to talk about it and feel supported.

Silence.

[Violet Magenta]

Thanks for sharing your story, suffersilence; I found what you had to say compelling and it stirred compassion in me. And I could relate to much of it, even from a more female perspective. For example, I'm extremely uncomfortable if I'm seated at a large table in the middle. It's intensely overwhelming and induces panic and a freeze response. It's like if I can't see all faces clearly and know exactly what is happening with everyone at every moment, catastrophe will result. My heart races, my breathing goes shallow and I'm drenched in sweat. I know where this trigger comes from. Like you, I experienced bullying both at home and in other contexts. It's painful to realize I've been over-reacting sometimes due to triggering. I'd feel intensely angry at my partner, and totally justified in my rage, only to find the next day that I'd start to realize I had been triggered and was having an overly reactive moment. I wasn't in the present at all; I was having an emotional flashback. But the feelings feel so real that it can be a little bit crazy-making. I had many problems and much suffering in workplaces, too. An important step was for me to understand my rights as a human being, and to begin to feel worthy. You are not alone, and it does get better. If it's okay, here's a hug  ~ Viola