TW- what if I deserved it?

[Deep Blue]

I know I don't post here much... or at all anymore.

I'm struggling with something at the moment... well all week really.

I've had the same flashback 4 times this week... it's "missing a piece"   The piece it is missing is what I said right before the physical abuse.  I said something... or answered a question... or something to set her off.

Immediately after I said it I was yanked to my feet to be punished.

What if I deserved it?  I always hear people say that everything happens for a reason.  What if I'm to blame? Maybe I did deserve it.  That was the constant message I was told.  I let it happen, over and over again.

If everything happens for a reason... why did so much PA happen to me? I'm afraid the answer is because I deserved it. I brought it on myself.

[Snowdrop]

There is nothing you could have said that would have meant you deserved that treatment, Deep Blue. What happened was completely on the abuser. Not you.

You didn't deserve it, you weren't to blame, and you didn't bring it on yourself.

[Tee]

  I agree with snowdrop. 

I deal a lot with that thought at different times for different parts of my abuse.  If I hadn't done x y z then it wouldn't have happened. 
TW
Or if I wouldn't been seen that time my NM wouldn't have hit me.
End TW
The truth is none of it is my fault it would have happened at some point because it is who she was no matter what I did it would happen.  In all of the abuse I seen or heard of the victim is always just that the victim.

The abuser is the one who is twisted and makes the choice to cause harm.  Not your fault deep blue.  And welcome back I've missed you.

[Bach]

You did not deserve it, Deep Blue.  No matter what you said.  Your abuser is in your head making you doubt yourself.  She needs for it to be your fault.  Don't give her what she wants. 

It's good to see you 

[Blueberry]

I agree with Snowdrop and Bach.

[Deep Blue]

Snowdrop,
What if it is my fault that I let abuse continually happen?  Why didn't I think to get out of there?

Tee,
Thanks, missed ya too. I guess the point you are making about choice is what I'm grappling with. She chose to hit me... I chose to keep getting sucked back in.

Bach,
Good to hear from you too. You are right of course... my abusers are always in my head 

[Tee]

  that's what abusers do they manipulate you to make you think it is your fault and you had a choice.  You didn't.  You got sucked back in because you thought it was what you deserved. But you didn't you don't and you deserve so much more do much better.  Big hugs my friend.

[Deep Blue]

Tee,
Thanks.    I needed that

[Eidolon]

You never deserved any of it, I assure you! You're worth the world and you didn't deserve any of it at all, Deep Blue. Sending hugs if that's okay!

[Snowdrop]

Snowdrop,
What if it is my fault that I let abuse continually happen?  Why didn't I think to get out of there?

I don't think you had a choice Deep Blue. I think there was just the illusion of choice, which makes it feel as though it was your fault. It's like having a number of different roads to go down, but each one has the same destination. Choosing which road to take isn't really a choice.

that's what abusers do they manipulate you to make you think it is your fault and you had a choice.  You didn't.  You got sucked back in because you thought it was what you deserved. But you didn't you don't and you deserve so much more do much better.

^^^ Absolutely this.

[Bach]

I don't think you had a choice Deep Blue. I think there was just the illusion of choice, which makes it feel as though it was your fault. It's like having a number of different roads to go down, but each one has the same destination. Choosing which road to take isn't really a choice.

This is so important, and so true! I have tried to express this a million times to others and even to myself, but did not have such clear and concise words for it.

[Blueberry]

 

It really, really was not on you Deep Blue! 

[Deep Blue]

Snowdrop,
Wow I agree with Bach. You said that so beautifully and concisely .  That does ring true.  Maybe it is the illusion of choice that is getting me down.  Maybe we can't see our choices clearly when we are in the depths of abuse.  Maybe that's a piece of it too.

Eidolon
Thanks, and yes a hug is always nice 

Thanks blueberry

[Snowdrop]

Maybe we can't see our choices clearly when we are in the depths of abuse.  Maybe that's a piece of it too.

^^^ This resonates with me, Deep Blue. It's like all of the roads were covered in fog.

[sanmagic7]

i echo everyone's thoughts and sentiments here, db.  how we've gotten manipulated distorted our ways of thinking so that the blame seemed surely to lie with us, what we said, what we did - or not.  nope, illusion of choice is a great phrase here.  self-blame is what we were taught to do in order that any and all of our abusers would be able to walk away from what they did without guilt or accountability,

you were abused physically, mentally, and emotionally.  not your fault.  period.  love and a hug filled with a spray can full of 'this, none of it, was your fault'.   spray that blame away to where it truly belongs, ok?