dollyvee's recovery journal

[Larry]

I'm glad you posted that.  i feel like i learn so much from other posts,  things i would have never thought of.
thinking of you today,  hope it is a great day !

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Just sending you a hug   
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Larry - that is great to hear  I did have a pretty ok day!

Thanks Hope 

Had a dream last night that I was in an building with a team that was ripping up the flooring. Someone on the team seemed distressed about it. When I looked it up today, flooring apparently means the link between our consciousness and subconsciousness.

I thought about that part yesterday that came up in meditation and can understand why she wouldn't want me to move forward. I'm going to try to get to know her a bit better and see what she has to say.

Reading the Judith Orloff book has put my relationship between my grandmother and I in a bit more perspective I think, and maybe my feelings with someone who loved me very "strongly." I don't think there was the resolution that the author had in the book, of being recognized, but I think it might put the tenuousness in a little more perspective and with a little more compassion without being swallowed up. I'm still working on this.

Last night while I remembered that part of me that always thought things would work out and be ok. This was a very strong , happy part (?) that I feel like has become quiet or having to contend with my family's view of "you don't know how the world works." I can recognize how reluctant I am to trust that part of me (and then I think would feel/have to be in the world totally on my own but then maybe that part is protecting me?).

[dollyvee]

***
maybe in relation to the last bit - have also noticed feeling a bit more affected by peoples' energy out in public. Like I don't know what to do with myself (if things are going to work out) and seem to pick up "competition(?)" vibes from people; that I will have to prove myself and can't just be, or that people will want to push me around. Maybe it's related to the part that came up in meditation as well

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate you sharing about your experiences.  You are noticing a lot. 

[Armee]

When I start to feel safe and comfortable like you write about remembering being safe in bed with your grandma...I tend to get a really strong backlash to remind me to be alert.

Guess these silly bodies are just trying to keep us safe

[dollyvee]

Armee - thanks for sharing. Bizarrely my relationship with my gm was also a big sense of comfort and love for me (as well as undermining my self) but I can relate to that feeling where something good meant something bad was likely to happen. I've experienced dissociation before getting close to people who I "felt" were safe.

Thanks rainy, I appreciate you seeing that


I just wanted to say as well that I feel really grateful to be able to be here and look at the things I am, and to be able to work on it. Now, onto pride  kidding but it's also true. When reading the JO book last night, she talked about an older patient that came in who was from a generation that didn't believe in psychotherapy and who, if she ever had a problem, would work it out on her own; that this was a matter of pride, not giving into weakness.

This passage stood out for me and reminded me of my family at first, both my grandfather (super hard worker) and my grandmother, who once told me that she saw a therapist but in the end we work these things out on our own. It also came to me that I can see a lot of this in myself and that the part who showed up in the mediation also holds the attitude of not being able to show any weakness. I see this as the reaction to my stepfather and how he treated me, that I couldn't show any feelings.

Poss tw~

My stepfather would call me a "suck" if I wanted to be close to my mom. That I couldn't show that 7/8 year old self of "wanting my mommy;" basically wanting comfort and love that comes from a parent

End poss tw~

This is a very strong, prideful part to not show those things, which I never realized. I guess pride does that - hides your "weaknesses" from you. That I couldn't see it as pride because it's something protecting me? But here comes the kicker, how can I see it as a weakness in the first place when it did so much to help me and keep me "safe"? I guess to be in the present and accept that it's an old program running. I also realized that this came during a meditation where I was working with the air element. The emotions air governs are pride and peacefulness. It makes sense to me now that the discomfort that was coming up in my neck and shoulders that I couldn't quite place stemmed from pride.

Also, I'm willing to dox my address as I'm pretty sure I'm living next to one someone here's realtive  My neighbour brings up things in me about being watched. Yesterday after I had the radio on at a low volume (I even checked with a db meter that it's the same volume as an indoor conversation)  she started putting the toilet seat up and down, which makes a loud clunk and wakes me up, between 12am and 1:30am (like three or four times). Maybe it's a bout of bad food poisoning but I have a feeling it's a means of retaliation. Feel way out there even saying it.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your reflection about pride and perhaps "hiding" what we might really need or be experiencing for survival.  It is giving me a lot to think about.  Thank you for your reflections.

[dollyvee]

Thanks rainy - I'm glad it resonated with you. It's great that we can be here, sharing with other people and have them connect to it. It's a little bit of comfort in knowing that it's not us and not just us

[Larry]

 
Hi Dolly,  just wanted to let you know i am thinking about you. 

[Snowdrop]

 

[dollyvee]

Thank you for checking in Larry  it means a lot to me that there is a cptsd squad to chat about this stuff with.

Thank you Snowdrop  welcome back  I hope you're feeling better

I had written a post yesterday and didn't publish it...it felt really erratic and that maybe I was oversharing. I think I felt a bit self-conscious that it seemed like an extreme reaction and that I was following every thought that came in my head, but I think this stuff has been around for a while. I think part of the cptsd process is "managing myself" and thinking about what I felt it "should be like" rather than what it is, who I am sometimes. I give a little hug to the parts who were told they were wrong for so long.

During mediation this morning, I think parts were scared. I tried to connect to the scowling part I met before and I think she was there but her eyes were cloudy, like she had cataracts. I tried to speak with her and show her I was there and if she wanted to discuss anything with me. After the meditation, I felt like I could "see" in more detail things at the house around that time. I remembered what it felt like to sit on the couch, details of my room, the carpet in the room downstairs, but also how I felt around my mom, how I was trying to connect to her and she was awful to me. It makes sense that that part of me would shut down and not want to see it, that I had to protect myself against that behaviour. Seeing how the rest of my family didn't say anything to her about it, or acknowledge that there was something going on with me, was pretty upsetting too. I can see a parallel with work now too.



I'm going to go to the gym, go for my walk and try to relax. I've been listening to the radio finding more music that I'm into. I think I;m underestimating how maybe intense this stuff is and will take it slow. I think there's a lot coming up right now.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate your update.  It is tough when so much is coming up.  I hope you find things that bring some ease. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you rainy 

[Larry]

HI Dolly,  going to the gym sounds nice,  i am going to go later today.    I will be thinking of you ! hope you have a great day !