dollyvee's recovery journal

[rainydiary]

I appreciated reading the experiences with frequencies and relate to continued experiences with bullies.  I feel like I must be giving off something that signals to people that they should bully.  I hope you continue to find things that are supportive.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Rainy 

I'm trying to focus on subsonscious thought patterns now when something happens (I guess that's a paradox there) but to try and create more distance when feelings come up. Not easy. Thinking about what happened at work, I notice the night before my body already felt more anxious knowing I would be working with this person. I had a good talk about it with t and also touched on a recent dating experience. She was starting to talk about dating apps and I noticed myself dismissing what she was saying in a way. I had also felt like I was dismissing, or giving excuses about what's going on with dating, when someone else was suggesting something. This was really interesting. I also felt like I was explaining to t why I had to respond to the person at work the way I did and couldn't just let it go (maybe I did have to do this one - jury's still out).

It left me wondering if maybe I am in the fight response, or something brings up the fight response in me. I never really saw the fight response in me - I don't want to submit people to my will but I'm wondering if it's in me a little bit through my inner critic (which I saw as my mother in an IFS). She was spoiled and bullying and had a very big fear of abandonment. Maybe I carry all of this in me - her original fear of abandonment that needs to be worked through?

I think I'll write more later but wanted to put this down as it came up.

[paul72]

Hi dollyvee
Thanks for sharing about dismissing certain things.
I do this too, almost automatically about some things, and I found it very helpful to hear your thoughts on it. I think you're probably absolutely right and I'm kind of excited to try to work on this.
A sincere thanks and best wishes for a beautiful day ahead for you.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Phil -  I hope it works for you. Hope you had a great day as well.

It's interesting because I always feel like I'm on the the end of a bullying response but I have been wondering why do I keep getting into these situations? Is there something subconscious still playing out? I was talking about this the other day with my friend when he recognizes that he attracts PDs and how he falls into the same response he had with his m growing up. I could see that when t was suggesting something, I immeadiately started to turn off and when someone else said something, I was thinking when I was responding to her that it sounds like I'm making excuses. And maybe I was, something about it felt like an old pattern.

In my IFS before, there is a part of me (?) that I've seen as my m that I have had to wall up because it is bullying and won't leave me alone. The Jay Earley book recognized this part as an IC, or an internalized IC that presents as a parent. I've noticed that maybe I fear this response in other people but not that perhaps it is something driving me too, thinking that I have to protect myself; that this is another layer of recognizing  how I am keeping that "idea" by maybe staying in a fight response myself which is that part working? I can't not get caught up in these things because I am "protecting" myself, but "fighting" too.

I've been thinking a lot about the dream and that guy who ate the mothering and nurturing. I think it comes up in both relationships and my interactions with people. What I feel like is present a lot is feeling like I want to be close to people but underneath, it's like crying and wanting to get away when people are near. I don't know how to describe it - deep well of anguish? Like everything is caving in? I can cover it up in a lot of ways but at the bottom, I think that's it.

I still seem to get involved with people who are avoidant and I had someone make a comment which brought up a lot of stuff on dependance. I don't see myself as clingy, but I do need a certain level of communication/knowing where I stand before the above well of anguish kicks in. On the other hand, I've seen that being too close to people brings up feelings of dissociation. It made me think about my m and how she didn't want me to be dependant on her, or she didn't like closeness and affection, and that I do have a feeling of being independant, but also anxious because that sense of attachment could disappear. The kicker is that my m was actually a narc who was dependant on me (and scared of abandonment) so I think it freaks me out when someone might be dependant on me, and on some level prefer emotionally unavailable. I don't know but maybe the bullying/fight response is another layer on top of this which makes me feel like I have to protect myself and keeps me in this cycle of anxious/unavailable?

What's also interesting is that the solfeggio frequency I felt I reacted to corresponds with the third chakra (if these things exist) and that is the place where we find our right to act and if we have a disabled will, we are vulnerable to domination. I do find I have a dance of "freedom" with other people. Maybe it's me expressing my will (whether healthy or unhealthy) and it's an old pattern. I thought this was pertinent:

"Most of us suffer from what I call a "diabled will." Too many times we are made powerless, overly criticized or punished for our actions, taught to submit to authority, or taught we are wrong, stupid, or bad. In this culture, we are raised to obedience. Parents teach children to suppress their anger, to never talk back even (and often especially) if there is abuse going on. Schools reward obedience, as do armies, and many jobs. Culturally, we suffer from a diabled will. We pay taxes to finance wars we don't want, add to pollution while we commute to our jobs, submit ourselves to daily routines that suppress our spirit.

The disabled will is vulnerable to domination, for when we fail to realize our own will, others can use it instead...when this happens, a feeling of powerlessness ensues, and the overall energy and vitality diminish. To consciously choose is an act of will. Change and reorganization of our life energy is the result."

[dollyvee]

Am working this week with a collegue who was there and friendly with the other person from the incident the other week. I could tell that there were upset with me that I had said something to that person. So, of course there's anxiety in my body and a preoccupation with seeing them/what the interaction will be which I noticed. I tried to take myself out of the fight response or recognize that it was a fight response and something interesting happened - I felt calmer and could imagine myself telling them that I don't have to apologize for my behaviour to that person; that I recognized that what had been said to me last time was gaslighting (it was just a joke etc) and how to acknowledge it this time and shut it down. I'd also felt that I can take responsibility for my behaviour. I'd like to recognize the pattern that "I'm a difficult person" which really makes me edit my behaviour and try to minimize myself.

Had some other dreams after listening to a solfeggio frequency before bed where I was in a sports car driving through a field. It was fun and I loved being in the car (I do enjoy driving). It also made me think of my m and how she liked driving too and smashed the family sports car when she was a teenager. My gf would joke about the Beach Boys song Fun, Fun, Fun being about her. I wonder if this is "her parts" working themselves out through me, or me working out her stuff in some way? When I was meditating on the fire element before during my course, the "mom" part came out. Apparently, the fire element corresponds to the 3rd chakra.

I read Bach's post this morning about moving and it really resonated with me. I've thought before about how much I don't like moving and connected it to never having a secure place as a child, so I always want a home of my own. Last session with t I talked about the school I went to that was in the dream, and I think I began to see that it was a constant for me. During that time my m and I moved from living with my gf, to my m's house, to my sf's house in the space of three years. Then, the following year, I moved to my dad's house and to my gp's house five years later. I don't know why but it brought up a lot of stuff/tears this morning thinking about my gf's house and the trees they planted. Maybe it had something to do with this is where my m grew up? Or that it was a constant place for me as a kid.

I feel like my executive dysfunction is massively reduced since I started taking amino acids to help with dopamine. I have a list of things that need to be done and it doesn't feel extremely overwhelming. Or, when it does, I can start to break it down into things that I can do. I think NAC helps too. I don't know how much it's related to me but there are some interesting studies on NAC and aggression. Maybe it's helping the frustration I feel when things don't go "right" on a subtle level in the background.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I had kept a saying that I think was said by Jung, which was about the playing out of the subconscious, and how we repeat patterns in life until the issue in the subconscious is worked through/resolved - but I can't find where I put the quote, but I hope to find it, as I felt it related to things you wrote. 

I listened to some solfeggio frequencies the other day, after reading about your experiences.  I found it interesting, and I found a list that talked about what the different frequencies represented.  I must admit I was a bit scared to listen to them at first, but it was ok. 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I appreciate all that you've written about your IFS journeys, and your experiences, and think you're doing well with your journeys. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope - I know this comment by Jung I think. It's just a mystery how we/I block things and then keep repeating them. I'm glad your experience with the frequencies went well. I think it's just scary to be because I don't understand what's happening and maybe because it's something I've blocked. Hope that your journeys are going well too.

I'm recognizing that I'm blocking things right now, or maybe just better understanding how my brain works? I worked with someone where it was a difficult experience last year. This week when I saw the name of the person I would be working with (it's an unusual name) I though, oh I've never worked with a (name) before. It was like I blocked this person's name from my memory, or blocked something about that job.

I noticed that when I was talking to t this week, it was like I could really feel myself in an analytical mode and it felt very strange and unreal. But I also know that I think being able to stand back and analyze things has helped me process what's happened and grow. I guess there's something between my emotions and my analysis of them right now. Maybe I'm trying harder to suppress those emotions or they are deeper ones?

I mentioned to t about being in the fight response and how it didn't feel like me. She said that a lot of what we learn about relationships we learn preverbally. Reading Phil's post made me see how I maybe experience(d) my m's behaviour towards me that she was trying to "get" me and is/was something so intense that I had to wall it off. I experienced my m as having two sides and being very unpredictable.

TW - Emotional/physical A

My m would say things like "the little witch won't tell me x" when really I didn't remember. I also got the wooden spoon a lot and was an often an outlet when my m was frustrated I think. I remember very distinctly her slapping me because my "eyes were laughing." It's funny because I remembered this stuff before but it's now like I'm feeling it in a different way and just seeing how bad this was. What is conflicting is that she would tell me, you know I love you, call me little monkey etc. My m didn't have an emotional capacity to deal with things in an adult way and I think that just left me very confused as to her responses to me etc.

I had a very interesting dream the other night and led me to think more about disabled will and how we're taught to be "good little girls" and how maybe this is more true in some cultures than others. I feel like my gm would say stuff like this a lot and it was very prized for children to be obedient.

[dollyvee]

So the mold stuff is looking like it's a reality and I have an issue with mycotoxins which is crazy when you see what they can do. I also thought the FMD was way off base when she suggested it, but I can see it now. I'm seeing her on Tuesday to confirm/talk about it. I've been messing around with binders and having really strong reactions to them, so something is going on. They made me feel really "off" at work, that talking to people was a struggle. It was like being on the other side of a wall. So, I'm hoping that this reaction is only temporary as this stuff comes out of system but that can take a year+.

It's going to be a thing with the apartment. There was a leak that was never repaired, which just looked like a stain on the wall, but now that I've chipped away some of the plaster and felt it in my lungs after), it looks like there's some black mold underneath. I'll have to get it tested and it's really expensive. I can sue the landlord but he's been proactive, it's just the building company that's taken ages. Although, he has rented it knowing there's damage. I've looked for new place but there's literally nothing out there right now. The icing is that the gym I've been going to also has black mold.

It makes me wonder where and how this was an issue growing up. I remember someone else on hear speaking about mold and what a nightmare it was. I'll try and find what their reactions were. Apparently it affects your hypothalamus and cognition functions like memory, verbal recall, recognition.

Neuropsychiatric Clinical Presentation of Mold Illness
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX95pnUxzXw

[Armee]

Hi Dolly,

I'm sorry you are having to deal with mold and landlord issues. What a nightmare. I'm curious what type of binding agents are used?

Depending on where you live the damness or water leaks that are necessary for mold's rampant growth can be considered substandard living condition and housing advocacy groups and healthy homes programs may be able to point you to ways to address with the land lord.

It doesn't really matter what type of mold it is as the toxins from various types of mold can be an issue and there are no standard ways of testing or interpreting mold results. Although if you've been advised it is necessary to test in order to sue then ignore me. Generally health agencies don't advise testing. It's more useful to identify the source of moisture. There are devices to do this. And perhaps the city building inspector can provide this service. It depends on where you are.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this, too. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Armee - I'm taking Zeolite powder, citrus fruit pectin, and okra. I've taken Cell Core's biotoxin binder in the past but didn't have a reaction like this. Started tudca and it's supposed to help get things moving. Yes, all this has been given the go ahead by the landlord (remediation,mold testing) as I mentioned which is the tricky part. He's been proactive but the company that manages the building has not, leading to the issue. So, if I sue for back rent, it would likely be to the landlord and not the building company. It could be different in your state, but you need evidence to prove the issue. Hence the testing. Testing also lets you know what mycotoxins you're dealing with so you can treat them as different mycotoxins respond to different treatments. From what I've read EMRI is the better route to go down, but if you are having to throw away belongings, you will need to prove that, they too, have been affected. The thing is, it wasn't even damp. There was a previous leak in the roof which was never fixed properly and there would maybe be faint dampness if it rained but not really. Maybe it was because I never used that room a lot and/or am often out of town. Unfortunately, you don't climb into the attic when looking at places and a lot of mold is hidden out of sight. If you've had issues yourself survivingmold.com is a good place to start.

Doing more research and it looks like mycotoxins actually affect the dopamine receptors in the brain as well. So, perhaps this is what is causing my ADD and why my executive dysfunction has gotten worse. Though, I do think genetics play a factor in that as well if you're already at a dopamine deficiency. This is an interesting article: https://ndnr.com/neurology/mycotoxins-the-brain/

Was reading about aflatoxins and remembered something in my genetics that I've been doing and apparently I'm homozygous for the CYP1A2*1F C164A. This means I don't detox aflatoxins well, and they stay and build up in the system. The stuff I've been taking is supposed to help with this but the mycotoxin detox is not fun as I'm finding out. Some of the symptoms I'm feeling though, I remember from my early 20s after I moved out and went to uni. I lived in a few different apartments then and am wondering if some of the stuff going on was mold related. I also went through a phase then when I was trying out nutritional supps (coming from a hippie city, it's in the blood; or maybe I knew something was always off) and remember having reactions when I would take liver supps.

At that time, I remember the supp guy saying to me, what is going on with my liver, why was I so angry? It's such a small comment that honestly affected me so much. I think I really started taking it on and thinking it was "me," which given my family, was an easy thing to do. No one mentioned mycotoxins or things that could prevent the liver from functioning properly. This is my issue with "holistic" health or alternative health methods sometimes, that they unfairly put a lot of responsibility on you.  Maybe this is why I was so reluctant to trust/believe the FMD in part. I think it's just a build up over the years of people telling me what is going on with my life when they have no idea. It's like cptsd teaches you that you have to be an advocate for yourself no matter what while also making you completely mistrust a lot of things/people. I could go on a rant about how could the gym or the landlord (who did say to me, we'll have to plaster over it instead of that needs to be ripped out) just let things like this happen and not think of other people, but I guess I'm suppressing that for whatever reason?

I felt this weekend a piece of the "old me" come up. Maybe it was feeling the symptoms of the early 20s but I also felt some of the good things from that time and who I was. The part that would be interested in Roman or Greek history and literature and that was nice. I hadn't felt that part in a while. Maybe the other bright side is that the mold explains why I've been gaining weight/not losing on a cut. Apparently, your body stores toxins in wonderful pockets of fat all around the middle when it can't excrete them. The down side is that some people gain weight when detoxing. I guess it gives me a chance to work on my self image more.

[dollyvee]

FMD and I had a good chat yesterday even if I did pay through the nose (ha!) so to speak for it. One of the side effects of this detox is that whatever is living in my nose has started to act up again. Apparently they're staph called marcons which form biofilms, but dump all their toxins down through your nasal cavities into your stomach and the small intestine. So, hello SIBO. I used to get bad nasal drip after swimming and am guessing I was upsetting its home. It just makes me realize how long this stuff has been around living in my body since I haven't swum for years.

I think the pieces are coming together - the SIBO, methylation and mycotoxins. There's an instagram account which is interesting, talking about the links between neuroinflammation and psychiatric issues. I don't think it's a catch all but it is a very interesting connection. T wondered if dad had bipolar like my uncle, which I didn't think fit. My dad's personality was a lot like my aunt's (and mine), quite calm. I'm curious about the connection between mycotoxins and depersonalization/derealization, and perhaps if this "calmness" is something to do with that.

The FMD is happy for me to continue what I've been doing and to listen to my body about things which is great. Another part is very suspicious about her approach to dealing with it as it's not as intensive/differs from other peoples' experiences I've read. Landlord came by and was pretty supportive and offered to pay for the air filter I had bought, which was pretty cool. Although, the suspicious part comes up and says, well he is supportive because you can sue him for at least 50% of all the rent you've paid over the last two years. I'm realizing what an old place this is bringing me back to. The me who doesn't make a fuss and makes sure everything is fair. I do feel like there is something new now, which is saying, wait a minute, is this actually fair for you? How many times have I written over or ignored that part in the past (because that's what I was taught to do, or gotten angry and just felt like I was having a temper tantrum/being unfair - is this gaslighting myself?)

[sanmagic7]

dolly, i relate so much to all the research you do, looking for answers that fit your problems/issues.  i have been doing that for years - it originally began with looking up long-term stress and its effects on the body and mind.  i wasn't getting any info from docs, so this is how some of my symptoms began making sense to me.  once again, as you were talking about, i had to rock my own boat cuz i, too, was raised to be a perfect little girl and was told repeatedly throughout my life not to rock the boat, not to make waves, just accept.

thanks for all the work you've done, and i hope you get some of those landlord/mold issues resolved quickly.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Thanks San - It's true, long term stress does have a lot of debilitating effects. I couldn't remember who had the mold issues on here as well, so I looked it up. I hope you and your daughter are doing ok. After reading other peoples' stories on other forums, this stuff is no joke. I don't even think the neuropsychiatric effects have been fully looked into yet. It's terrible how people have been gaslighted by doctors and we, given the environment(s) we had growing up, just take it on. 

I feel like I'm in a battle with myself a lot of the time for saying too much or making a fuss. It's instinctual the self analysis that comes after an interaction, and I'm hoping I've made strides with the IC that comes up as well. Although, I don't want to be instringent (?) but I do find like I have a problems with rigidity in the past, and needing to defend myself. I guess because so often what I was saying wasn't heard, or I felt like people thought they could just speak over me like they knew better.

I came across an account yesterday talking about being treated a certain way and I think what they are talking about, I've grappled with myself.

"paying closer attention to all of the ways I unintentionally taught people how to treat me. by always being available for them. putting their problems before my own. sacrificing every bit of my personal time to help them of keep them company (?). ignoring my body for their comfort. can i fully blame them for not considering my feelings right now, when all i've shown them is that they come first & take precedence over a lot of things in my life? i don't think it would only be fair to me to only blame them. not saying i deserve this,i'm saying it makes sense."

I mean, I recognize a lot in the above and I still think I'm dealing with it. I also think it's a lot different when it's your family that taught you that. I think there's a lot of cultural stuff for me about being a "good" child/grandaughter and the parts of me that did that because I wanted connection  to my family at whatever cost. How could I blame my family when that's just the way it was? When, even as I got older and I knew they weren't going to change, it still upset me to deal with them and the only way to do it was to revert back into this pattern? Which then only felt like it hurt myself in the process. So, I was stuck either doing too much, or being in a conflict with someone who was going to cross my boundaries and never see things from my side. I don't think I've grasped how much this goes into my relationships, both professional and otherwise now. I chose a job where you basically have to dedicate your life to it, and still wonder why I see familiar patterns show up of being taken advantage of.

My gf messaged me the other night saying that my brother didn't speak to the lawyer. I'm taking it as his way of saying that I need to pay for the other half of the lawyer bill from his conversation with them. I told him I wasn't paying for anything to do with my brother and sent him half the money. It depresses me endlessly that this is just about money; what happened over Christmas and that I was under the illusion that there was "actual" understanding, but, yet again, I am somehow compromised. Or, I have to give something up that I don't feel it's fair for me to, and I'm not being heard. Then there's the part that says I'm making too much of it. I think I need to speak to that part.

This is long. I feel like the binders are waking up parts of my brain that have been sequestered by tiny toxic particles for a long time. I really hope that I do get my brain back. It's hard to describe but the past couple days, in between the pressure in my head, I've had moments where I could just appreciate the stillness; look at the sunlight on the window sill or the new alocasia shoot that is growing next to the aloe I repotted with its soil. I haven't felt that in quite a while in that way, settled. I started doing things yesterday and thinking about going into town for noodles and it didn't seem overwhelming. Tried my first infrared sauna yesterday and came home and slept for hours, and through a conference call I was meant to be on. I've been doing a lot of sleeping as this stuff really takes it out of me. Looking back, when I started to get really sick I was living in an apartment that had an ensuite. There was a tiny bit of mold in there under the silicone but I wonder now if the problem was much worse behind the wall where I couldn't see. 

[paul72]

Good morning dollyvee
I love the images of you appreciating the stillness!! I hope you have more and more of those moments of peaceful joy. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, dolly,

again, i relate so much to your description of how we've 'trained' other people to treat us.  i get it, have done so myself.  still, looking back, relationships are meant to be a 2-way street.  give and get.  we may have done a lot for others, but they're adults, too.  they're choosing to take take take and not be concerned w/ the wants and needs of others.

i guess i just fired up some anger here.  i have so little tolerance anymore for people who think it's all right to treat others without a thought for caring and well-being.  i've eliminated a lot of so-called friends from my life for this very reason.  it's stressful to deal with them, figure out ways to please them, hope they overlook mistakes. 

and, yeah, we learned it in/from our families and took it with us out into the world.  i played my role there, too, and got a lot of what you said about how we keep playing that song in all sorts of relationships.  i'm learning, too, that how i feel about it is real and true.  i believe it's true for you, too.  you deserved better.  love and hugs