dollyvee's recovery journal

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Hi Larry - I came on here to talk about watching The Bear on FX and you might like it or relate to it too

I read a review in the paper on Saturday for The Bear and it said something along the lines of "show this to someone if you want to kill them - it's so fast/intense that they can't help but to be overwhelmed by it."

So, I watched it and had to laugh (well sort of) because that is my life/experience growing up, what families are like (level of dysfunction, dealing with addiction and the fallouts), what I think it feels like and how I maybe cope with it now. I thought it was a really good look at how you cope with going through all of that, trying to maintain a "normal" life, and the mistakes you make along the way and how you try to make it better. I think the al-anon struck a chord with me and this is something I went through with my dad. I felt at a calmer I think after realizing all the chaos I deal/dealt with and seeing it on screen. It's something I think a lot of us live with but don't really know how to articulate, like when he said, "I don't ask you how you're feeling because I don't know what I'm feeling myself." You're just going through it and surviving that you don't stop to consider what is going on.

T came back after a five week hiatus and I think I inundated her with all the stuff I've been working on. I feel like I'm incorporating/processing some of the stuff that happened during the energy work. I don't know if I could "handle" the full scope of what it was and so I needed to stop the process in a way, or only access it in drips. I think it's akin to what Papa Coco has been talking about on a thread, and that as children (and adults too I think) anything that threatens our dissolution of personality causes severe anxiety. It makes me think of growing up and how I think when I was small my gm was the only safe place in the chaos. That my personality is orientated around this experience and without it (her), there's a lot of anxiety/dissolution. I guess it makes sense that when I experience something like that, it brings me back to that time. The energy that came up was also particular mother energy and I guess it activates my "mother wound."

[dollyvee]

I've written responses to a couple things the past few days but they didn't seem right or like I couldn't complete my thoughts. I think there's a couple things going on or maybe just need to take some more time to process.

I was more irritable yesterday around people so I decided to look more into md and GABA, as GABA precursors are recommended if irritability/no afterglow is happening. On a side note, I'm feeling a lot of this around people lately - being around people who think they know better and are passive aggressive. I had a few things happen while away at work - it's like people just target me to put their stuff on. I know it has nothing to do with me (I don't think this is projection), and am trying to look into more to how I respond. Anyways, mycotoxins increase glutamine which is an excitatory neurotransmitter (think anxiety and irritability). GABA is the inhibitor but can become depleted (as I understand) if glutamine stays high. I took a braverman analysis some months ago which said I was low in GABA. I bought some GABA calm and tried some niacin along with my MD this morning and will see how it goes.

I got my test results back for the apartment and it has high concentrations of the mycotoxins I have in my system (like 10 times and 100 times over the acceptable limit). I'm still working with a lawyer about this and I find myself procrastinating about it. The landlord tried to raise the rent 25% about two weeks after I said something had to be done about the mold and I took it to tribunal. The decision has come back in my favour and there is a moderate 6-7% increase. This gave me a boost, it's just so exhausting.

I wrote a bit in response to Papa Coco's feelings on disintegration anxiety but felt maybe they were more about me and my thoughts/experiences with it right now, and following on from my last post. I don't know, growing up I always felt one step away from "crazy." I guess that's why the actor's portrayal in The Bear stood out. I could relate to having to feel so much all the time, like no bottom no direction at all. I had a dream after I had the energy work and there was a female figure who reminded me of Nut, the Egyptian sky goddess. I learned about her in elementary school and always liked how her body held all the stars over us. After the dream, I read more about her and found she is also the barrier(?) between chaos and the ordered world. What an idea that this female figure (mother?) sort of mirrors my own experiences with my mother and the feeling between chaos and order. That the pull to my mother was full of chaos and me trying to order/make sense of it.

[dollyvee]

I rally enjoy reading other peoples' experiences with their treatments and thank you everyone for sharing them.

T and I spoke about my gf last session and although I feel like I've mentioned some of the things before, I guess I never went into too much detail. I always had a certain "idea" about the relationship there. He felt like one of the people that supported me, despite his flaws. T said there's a lot there. I agree. Definitely a lot about not performing, living up to a certain idea. I remember my 2nd t saying to me, whose life is it anyways in relation to me and my family. That was about twenty years ago and I feel like I'm still integrating that.

I have a book which I saw on the back shelf during a video lecture with Rinpoche called, "Meeting the Shadow: The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature." I guess it sounds very menacing but I think it's about understanding and owning all parts of yourself. I'm trying to understand more about my own shadow and how my mind creates it. I think it's interesting how a lot of us seem to think we're these really terrible people, at least I have, and it's taken a lot of work in therapy to slightly change that and see that maybe it's not the case, but I don't want to be too arrogant of course (sarcasm). I'm trying to understand how they integrate into my experience as I understand it. I feel like I can definitely pick out times when I had to disown parts of myself because my protection mechanisms weren't understood by others. I guess I'm putting it down here because I'm still trying to work it out. I don't know about my lost self. I feel like that would have happened very early.

One chapter discusses how the shadow is created and the different aspects of the self.

i . Your "lost self," those parts of your being that you had to repress because of the demands of society (family).
2. Your "false self," the facade that you erected in order to till the void created by this repression and by a lack of adequate nurturing.
3. Your "disowned self," the negative parts of your false self that met with disapproval and were therefore denied.

To fill the void, the child creates a "false self," a character structure that serves a double purpose: it camouflages those parts of his being that he has repressed and protects him from further injury. A child brought up by a sexually repressive, distant mother, for instance, may become a "tough guy." He tells himself, "I don't care if my mother isn't very affectionate. I don't need that mushy stuff. I can make it on my own. And another thing—I think sex is dirty!" Eventually he applies this patterned response to all situations. No matter who tries to get close to him, he erects the same barricade.

(Page 50).

At some point in a child's life, however, this ingenious form of self- protection becomes the cause of further wounding as the child is criticized for having these negative traits. Others condemn him for being distant or needy or self-centered or fat or stingy. His attackers don't see the wound he is trying to protect, and they don't appreciate the clever nature of his defense: all they see is the neurotic side of his personality. He is deemed inferior; he is less than whole.

(Page 51).

He needs to hold on to his adaptive character traits, because they serve a useful purpose, but he doesn't want to be rejected. What can he do? The solution is to deny or attack his critics: "I'm not cold and distant," he might say in self-defense, "what I really am is strong and independent." Or "I'm not weak and needy, I'm just sensitive." Or "I'm not greedy and selfish, I'm thrifty and prudent." In other words, "That's not me you're talking about. You're   just seeing me in a negative light."

But in order to maintain a positive self-image and enhance his chances for survival, he has to deny them. These negative traits became what is referred to as the "disowned self," those parts of the false self that are too painful to acknowledge.

The only part of this complex collage that you were routinely aware of was the parts of your original being that were still intact and certain aspects of your false self. Together these elements formed your personality, or the way you would describe yourself to others. Your lost self was almost totally outside your awareness; you severed nearly all connections with these re- pressed parts of your being. Your disowned self, the negative parts of your false self, hovered just below your level of awareness and was constantly threatening to emerge. To keep it hidden, you had to deny it actively or project it onto others: "I am not self-centered," you would say with great energy. Or "What do you mean, I'm lazy? You're lazy."

[dollyvee]

I think there's "stuff" going on, but not really sure what's active right now. Lots of body stuff coming up - problems with stomach and sleep, feeling down. Had a bit of gluten accidentally and readded citrus fruit pectin and wondering if it's stirring things up/detoxing new things. I find when my physical side is off, I'm not really emotionally clear.

Also reflecting after last post and how I was basically (as a child) responsible for the feelings of an adult man, my gf, and how it probably has something to do with how I feel around men now. It also feels like one of those things that comes up and I don't 100% know what to do with it yet, it just kind of sits there, maybe disconnected from how it made me feel, how it played out in my life, what I do about it now.

As I mentioned in Hope's journal, I've been feeling like a lot of different people, and maybe trying to understand/connect that person I was 15-20 years ago to now. But I don't think that's an accurate description of what's going on.

I was reading Heart Essence of the Khandro and it was teaching about suffering, Karmic causes, and the Kunzhi. It also teaches about the nature of mind. I think there is a slight distinction in what I told Papa Coco in his journal - Rigpa is the awareness of the Natural State and abiding in that awareness. Kunzhi, or the natural state, always exists and is the storehouse of our suffering and karmic traces.

Yongdzin Lopan Tenzin Namdak Rinpoche writes:

"How does suffering start? How does it increase? I have to tell you this briefly as it forms the first part of the text. Every being is endowed with consciousness. There are many different types of consciousness, but in particular there is one called Kunzhi Namshe, and we can say that it is like a blackboard, because whatever we do or think - whether good or bad - is kept here like a kind of trace, like a drawing on a blackboard. This trace is called a karmic cause. Usually we speak about karmic causes, about how we create them, where they are kept, how they produce results and so on. You must understand these things first and then you can think about how to purify them.

...There are eight important consciousnesses and many minor ones, making fifty-one altogether. The result of whatever they do is brought back to the store hall and that is called a karmic cause, which is then kept in the Kunzhi Namshe...

...As in a dream, your mind is still working even though your body has stopped working, so the next lifetime is only a kind of transformation as mental consciousness takes rebirth, together with karmic cause..."

He writes about the different kinds of collecting of karmic causes and the different ways to purify them, the best being Dzogchen:

"Then finally there is the Dzogchen View, the Natural State. Here, nothing whatsoever remains integrated with consciousness, so it is completely pure - even the store hall or the Kunzhi Namshe itself liberates into Empty Nature. So there is no base; the blackboard no longer exists! When you are in the Natural State, whatever you do or whatever your senses collect is like drawing with chalk in space: there is no base."

He writes about the different kinds of suffering and the reason that we should purify them and

"try to realize that you can actually be liberated from them, and search for an antidote: how can they be purified? You need to think about this; that is the purpose of practising religion...When you search for a way to purify these sufferings, you will realize that Sutra, Tantra and Dzogchen are the antidotes. You should discover this yourself and choose your own path; one person cannot order another to do something."

It's quite beautiful when he describes the exercise of looking back to a thought:

"Just look at that thought, that perception. When you try to look at it, nothing remains. If you open your eyes, even if your visualization was very clear indeed, you will still only see the normal things of phenomenal existence, you can't see anything special. If you look back towards your thought, there is nothing to see and what remains is an unspeakable state...

...Just after you look back towards a thought then that thought is no longer stable, it no longer exists, and what remains is an unspeakable state. It is quite clear. It is very, very important for you to have a clear understanding and experience of this before you receive these teachings.
Look at the first thought and look back at who is looking at it. They both disappear simultaneously and nothing remains, yet you are not unconscious. The state which goes on afterwards is the Unspeakable State. That means that your presence is clear but it is impossible to explain what is clear as there is no thinking; you do not judge anything as being emptiness, clarity, this or that - nothing...

...This is not like ordinary clarity as there are no judgements whatsoever because it is not influenced by perception or consciousness...

...That is the example for how reflections come from the Nature without changing the Nature itself. This presence is called Nature, and Nature is like the crystal ball - many reflections can come from there, they appear there, yet there is no change to the Nature itself..."

I feel like doing these exercises, just looking back on a thought, and remaining in the aftermath, or trying to, shifted my perceptions a bit this week. I still feel like I'm fighting something in me that doesn't want me to do these exercises, even though I feel very relaxed after reading them. I guess it's time to try and speak to that part but it feels difficult. I don't know if people resonate with what I'm putting here, and I don't know if it's allowed as I guess technically it's religion, but I find it helpful as a way to "looking back to a thought" when it is a CPTSD thought (one of those alarm bells) and just let it go. He also says that we have to give thanks to those that came before us and are holders of this knowledge.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I definitely relate to many of the things you're writing about here, and I really appreciate being able to read them. 

Also, it's your journal, and you're writing about things that are helping you - I think that must be ok?  Things you write are also helping me - I appreciate your words very much. 



Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope, I really appreciate that  I think I read in the guidelines for OOTS that there was no religious talk and I don't see Dzogchen that way, but I guess Bon Tibetan Buddhism is. To me, it's exploring the nature of mind which I think is similar to IFS in a way. Maybe that's the child part of me, always worrying that I'm breaking the rules and doing something wrong.

I spoke with t about some of the thing I saw in my energy work and she said it was quite profound. It makes me think about the class and how I had to leave, go through a power struggle with someone (what it felt like to me), and feel like I had to seperate from the other classmates who I was getting along with, in order to have my truth and something that was quite profound for me.

T and I also talked more about my gf and I found it difficult to bring those ideas up. I guess it was my idea of love growing up and is being reoriented/tested/changed. I had some very strong dreams last night and I wonder if they were related to my gf and the things he experienced growing up during the war. In another part, it was like I was on a date with my gf and someone he was seeing - that I as present on their date, which I think is bringing up a lot of stuff, remembering about my family and how my gm was very vocal about who my gf was seeing. I remember her telling me that so and so was just after money and if they got together, there wouldn't be anything for my brother and I (the irony of that situation now), but I'm seeing that someone who is ten years old shouldn't be put in that situation, or be aware of it.

It's interesting to think too, what might have triggered this. Is it just something that came up as a result of MD? Or there was an attractive guy that I spoke to at the gym yesterday and I wonder if these dynamics are coming out because of that. I always saw myself as arelationship (kind of like asexual but with relationships), even though I want a relationship. It would be like if someone came near me, I would just push it out of my head right away, like it didn't even register, or I would find things wrong. I don't know why - because my gf was like that? That he dated people after my gm but there was always something wrong with them. I remember telling him once that I don't think marriage was for me which he kind of agreed with. I wonder where all that came from and maybe I'm starting to find out.

[dollyvee]

Work has been busy and a challenge over the past couple weeks in a way that makes me doubt myself and is hard to touch ground. I also touched base with a colleague I haven't seen in almost ten years and felt like there was something romantic there, which I somehow shut down yet still remain attached to, or have some hope that something might happen, while feeling that nothing good ever comes of these things at work, I'm just being played with etc etc. It doesn't help I guess that this person reminds me a bit of my gf. Lots of emotional soup coming up rn and I have some crazy stomach thing happening. And court eviction has come again which I have to deal with.

I relate to PC's post on shame and watching those IFS videos on shame are maybe helping reorient my perspective a bit on my emotional reactions. I also have my own peed my pants episode that happened when I was quite young at the babysitters (2,3?). I was put to sleep on the couch by my mom in the living room when she dropped me off on her way to work. The bathroom I was supposed to use was downstairs. I remember going down the stairs when it was dark and everyone was asleep and feeling like I wasn't sure if I should be doing this. I didn't make it and the babysitter (who was very religious and strict), punished me for it and made me stand in the corner. I think she also brought it up with my mom like why would I do this. The part about me being unsure if I'm allowed to do something is interesting as it's come up recently on the forum where I wasn't sure if I should be posting something. I'm curious/interested in this doubt and where it comes from.

In the video on shame I posted on the IFS thread, he talks about phrases that parents use to shame their children. "You're acting like a spoiled child, you're being a crybaby, good girls don't act that way" are all phrases I heard in my family along with: you're hopeless (gf - even if it was a "joke"), miss piggy (my m), you're being a princess (for wanting to do things my way - my gm), don't be a sissy (or suck - sf). It just makes me realize how deep shame goes in my family, that they were shamed for doing the things they did (my gm for leaving her country, or at least she had a lot of guilt around that decision and being her "own" person), which was then passed on to me.

The connection between the parts holding the shame and the parts that try to prevent the shame from coming up, which will have a kind of compulsive behaviour, is also interesting. Maybe I could see it intellectually before that the people pleasing part, who always has to be online, doing things for people, so I won't be criticized and feel the shame, was connected to the above instances in my family. But framing it in this way feels different, that at the root this is shame. I don't think that's come up before and I'm still trying to wrap my head/emotions around it. I think I saw it as I'm not good enough, but didn't connect that there was shame associated with that.

[dollyvee]

Big chat with T and things came up that I haven't considered before - that my gm and gf were probably divorcing and fighting at the same time as my parents were divorcing and fighting. That must have been a lot to go through around that time 3-5. Maybe it explains why I don't have a lot of memories from then. I also felt like I have a protector part that stands up for other people.

I went back through my gm's psychological assessments today for the first time since last Christmas, and there is a lot in there. My gm and gf were fighting a lot and I did probably witness a lot of it. There's also things about my gm that came up which I can maybe see repeating in me or I take on. It's interesting that it also described her as protecting her little brother when she was young. It also sounded like she did that with my mother when my gf was tough on her. She wasn't able to get emotionally close in her relationships to a man, or kept some tension in the relationship by rebelling against the demands placed on her. I feel like I repeat this at work to a certain extent - that I've chosen a profession which is mostly men and have a need to rebel to get my voice heard, but maybe there are other elements at work?

It's also interesting that she took time off for an injury for coccyx pain and that I injured my coccyx when I was around 9. I've had some pain throughout my life from that.

I recommended the Mark Woylnn book to someone and listened to one of his lectures on youtube which got me thinking about generational trauma again and where all this comes from.

I've also been detoxing a lot of stuff. I think my stomach issues were a spontaneous detox, or exorcism is what it felt like  I've been having redness under my arms, mostly one as I think stuff is getting stuck in my lymph nodes. I tried an armpit "detox" the other night and woke up feeling awful. Although, only one of my armpits (the one that's usually red) smelled after sweating, so hopefully it's working. Maybe TMI but I'm wondering if it's been having an effect on my mood lately which has been a bit low.

[dollyvee]

Emotional soup continues and think there was some fallout from reading that stuff yesterday. Although, I also think I've been operating from a young part/another part lately. During my session with t, I felt like I had gone back to the motherland another time with my grandparents when I was a baby but couldn't remember. After going through the papers, I saw that I didn't go back, but my grandparents did when I was two. I think it's interesting that I thought that had something to do with me.

I noticed I tried to block (?) this stuff yesterday and the emotions that were coming up I guess. I didn't really notice that that's what I was doing. Wasn't feeling great on a certain level after reading that stuff as I think it took me back to that time. I guess it would have been a lot for a toddler to try and sort out what was going on. I can see why I would have tried to be a protector for my gm at the time. As an adult now, I can start to pick out other things in the evaluations that child me/protector me wouldn't have known. My gm was going through a tough time in the marriage and financially, but she also didn't do things that would have helped her career like putting herself out there. I remember her blaming it on my gf and how he put pressure on her, but I can also see that even if he was "abusive" she didn't walk away from it and help herself. I don't want to victim blame and I'm thinking about the extent of this, but I know that in other situations where she could have taken action (like her health and looking after herself, she also refused). Maybe having a male therapist in the 70s and 80s didn't help when women probably weren't taken seriously and she felt like she couldn't open up and work on her stuff. I don't know.

I can see from the reports that during this time it was me that she put her focus on and I was the only thing that made her feel better and cue 40 years of inner conflict about myself for wanting to be my own person and also feeling love for my gm.

Yesterday at the gym, or maybe in general, I felt very much like I was just taking things on, that I couldn't stand up or feel secure about myself. I've been ill and haven't been to the chiropractor, so my hips are a bit of a mess and was struggling with some weights I did easily a couple of weeks ago. I "feel/think" that there were some men watching me, maybe with not great intentions. To me, I sometimes feel that there are certain men that feel happy when I fail a heavy lift. (After watching some instagram videos where the girls show the guys faces in the background when they are lifting, I don't think it's all in my head but do think my stuff is involved as I can't just brush it off).

Yesterday, I especially felt like it was getting to me and I couldn't just brush it off. Usually I stand up to that stuff but lately I've been feeling like I can't. I wonder if it is connected to my gm who I feel took all the verbal abuse/criticism on from my gf for whatever reason (as my mom did with my sf too). I was the one who tried to stand up to my sf but not my gf in everything??? Though I do feel like I tried to stand up to him as well but maybe never fully challenged him. Interesting.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
It's tough to be in an exercise environment and not be able to feel free to exert yourself and exercise without feeling judged by other people around.  I wanted to say that I think you're great to be exercising there, and coping, even though you've got some injuries - I hope you'll be careful and not overdo it though.  Be kind to yourself.   

Hope 

[milkandhoney11]

Hi Dollyvee,
I am so sorry about the way you have been feeling when going to the gym. It's hard to keep doing these things and trying to take care of your body when your inner and outer critic are making it so difficult and you can't stop worrying about what others may think of you.
I've suffered from similar experiences for a really long time (although I consider myself quite sporty, I have always felt quite self-conscious exercising in front of others and I can't quite explain why it triggers me so much), so I definitely feel for you.
Sometimes it's hard to go out into the world and try to live a normal live when your inner world is in so much turmoil. But, you know, at the same time I think that this shows how incredibly brave you actually are.
When I am in an emotional flashback I often cannot manage to leave the house for days because I am terribly ashamed of myself and feel like people will instantly see how wretched I really am inside - so I admire that you are still sticking to it and going to the gym even if it's hard. Maybe you feel like this is not much to be proud of, but to me it sounds like you are being really brave for still showing up at the gym when you are being treated in such a way

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope, milkandhoney11, and Larry  for checking in and what you wrote.

I went to the chiropractor this week after a long absence and he mentioned that he thinks there's gallbladder stuff going on, which is in line with the symptoms I've been having and the detox. I just need to keep and eye on it. I also haven't been taking any zinc (which offsets oxidative stress and affects irrritability). I had some last night before bed and felt better, so will make sure I am taking it.

I've been thinking about that feeling at the gym and how it comes from a place of feeling like I can't defend myself, or stand up for myself/powerlessness? Or maybe a reaction to it. Looking over the papers, I think this is something my gm went through with my gf (and probably her family), that she kept hoping my gf would recognize the struggle she was going through and "rescue" her, or help her with her plight. She seemed to take on a lot of emotional criticism from my gf (not that she didn't give it herself looking at the language used in the reports) and maybe felt like she had to take all that on to be safe herself. I wonder about the connection between this and my own ability to be proactive and do things for myself that need doing.

Going over the first psychiatrist report again, I saw something that my brain had maybe blocked out for some reason, or maybe I just missed reading it in the first place. She describes my gf as being jealous of my mother and being in constant conflict (he was her step f and adopted her when she was five or so), which reached crisis proportion when my m became a teenager and started dating. It also explains that my m reached puberty around nine or ten and my gm informed my m 'extensively' about sex and felt that she could trust the girl even at thirteen. This doesn't really sit well with me though I don't really know why I'm having such an adverse reaction to learning about sex? I think/remember my gm talking about sex, or wanting to make sure we knew about sex because she herself came from a. strict family and didn't know what happened which resulted in her getting pregnant at 17. I think it's mostly the part about my gf being "jealous" of my m and restricting her going out with boys, though I suppose the latter is what fathers do. It seems like there was a lot of conflict around sex and growing up in the household and I think this somehow reflects in me and my relationships (or lack of). I wonder if I have taken it on, not wanting to be close to people/guys because somewhere is/was the belief that sex = conflict. Or my body = conflict.

Still processing all this in the background.

[dollyvee]

Said some things to t about my gf that I don't think I've told anyone. I saw her mouth go into a straight line and I know that that's not good. But I've said this stuff and now we're going to have to unpack it. I think too, now that I've said it, I'm starting to see repercussions, the ripple effect of behaviours. Is it just that certain people and certain generations said things that were inappropriate?

I'm starting to see how powerless I still feel in relation to my family, that I am holding on to ways of thinking and behaving that leave me feeling powerless.