dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Hmmm...I had a couple posts that I reposted but they disappeared. The above I saved but the other will have to live on in my memory. Though there is a really good podcast on secure relating that I want to share again. The idea of power over, power under and empowered I think is really important as it related to FA. After reading CrackedIce's recovery letter the other day it brought up the idea of respect, which my sf insisted I show him, and set up the dynamic for power over/power under. Same with my m as an aggressor and with some of the things she did. As an FA, you're constantly looking at the world as a threat and it reinforces this dynamic. The catch-22: how can you ease off feeling defensive/power over when the world has people who do want to take advantage of you etc?

Mistaken Assumptions to Re-Examine for Relational Connection
https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/mistaken-assumptions-to-re-examine-for-relational-connection-w-ann-and-sue-188/
_______

After work yesterday, I started thinking/ruminating about the "flirtation" and going back and reinterpreting his actions so that it was likely now that he wasn't interested in me etc. I didn't feel like that when I woke up and thought it's best just to continue being friendly and give space. I realized that my attachment system had become activated at work and I was now using this relationship/limerance as an projection outlet for what I was feeling. Not really great for a connection between two people.

I felt "emotional" at work and realized a few things, that I if I'm peppy, or upbeat and convivial, (which can actually be quite engaging and puts me in a place where I can relate to people), it means that I don't have to feel any of the "feelings" that come up (most likely toxic shame stuff). I think realizing this in the morning maybe put me in a place for the rest of the day where I was coming from a more authentic self place, but I don't think this is the environment to do that, and became activated. I mean it's always good to relate to someone from your authentic self I think, but there's also a learning curve for how to do that securely (instead of just covering it up) and I don't think I'm there yet.

I feel like for the last number of years I've been learning how to survive in this environment where's there's very little secure relating. There's always the possibility that they could reject you and move on to something/someone else and I think that's pretty motivating and activating for an FA. I was with someone that in my mind I'm quite fond of but I was questioning the dynamic between us and what was happening. How much of this fondness is because there is some work security there and helps my attachment system? There's also a lot of misogyny and I think that activates the power over/power under part big time.

I had changed my md to a smaller dose as it's stronger and thought this was an emotional hangover from taking it the day before, which could be true in part. I think the md was doing what it does though, helping you see things as they are, but then there's the emotional catch up that comes in dealing with it when it happens. I guess it's just surprising when it feels like it threatens some part of your life that you need to be secure. Well, maybe "needed" in the past, childhood trauma sense but yikes, the pressure does feel on to change this stuff so it doesn't blow up my life. Though maybe that's what I need.

When I made the realization about the activated attachment system, I didn't feel an immediate sense of how to self-soothe or calm myself down. Though I think knowing what is going on and why thoughts are coming up is a big step. I've also been realizing how strong my outer critic is, which I don't think gets talked about a lot. It's like antenna for sensing dangerous things that people say, do in the environment. I see it as a projection, or picking up on how other people are, that might get them picked on etc. Then, of course, a part of me wants to show them that I'm not like that, and can help protect them, which probably comes across as very inauthentic and that I myself am harbouring some of that energy even when I don't think I am. At least consciously, maybe it's in my shadow subconscious. I guess it's a power over/power under dynamic again. I will take on this to beat you at what you're trying to put onto me. This dynamic is in the Toxic Shame book but can't remember the name of what this is.

[OwnSide]

Wow, you have been doing a ton of research and self-reflection. Cheering you on (if this is a good pace for you) and encouraging self-care (if this is feeling like a lot). 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Ownside - I think it is a lot and probably a bit of both, but it does feel like a lot.  I can't believe how deep this attachment pattern is in my responses and feelings towards people/situations, and that it's actually very similar to what other people with FA go through.

Right now I can feel myself "deactivating." Before I would have made up some story, or listened to the voice that said I'm not good enough, I'm not this or that (the FA go to) as justification for pulling away and shutting down where I could continue believing that. But when I start to acknowledge that no, I'm deactivating, I realize that there's some emotions coming up where I don't want to put myself out there to be vulnerable because it doesn't feel safe, or that I'm going to have to deal with hostility or ridicule.

I also wonder if, on some level, my actions are subconsciously motivated so that I will be in a situation where there is hostility and ridicule? But I don't know.

I read that a way to approach deactivating is to begin to poke holes in the thinking when it comes up, the need to pull away I guess and that there is a "danger" there. There are dodgy people out there and it's good to be mindful of that. I guess it's more trusting in my ability/intuition to handle a situation. Though sometimes it is difficult to tell intuition from triggered trauma. I've definitely felt a sense of ignore all signals, I'll just be open to everyone because it must be me that's wrong, but I think that setting boundaries has been helpful to see that no, that's not true. I also wonder if the needing to be open to everyone is the loss of self that FAs experience in relationships, just the subconscious belief that I have to give everything up.

[dollyvee]

I listened to this Therapist Uncensored podcast on complex trauma and attachment which was pretty interesting. Around the 22 min mark he starts discussing attachment as the root cause of complex trauma and how it's possible to address complex trauma through attachment theory without going into the trauma itself. He's a very interesting guy and came across him before through a book he wrote on the A Tri meditation. Someone also recommended a video of his before on visualizing your ideal parent as a way to help with attachment but I never did the exercise.

TU157: Treating Complex Trauma and Attachment with Guest Dr. Daniel Brown REPLAY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJIiJE6OeYg&list=PLaSy-g6A5sG3Jvh8Ru5k--D_0VUlZPpEw&index=39

It's really hard to know what is intuition right now and what is possible AT or deactivation.

[Papa Coco]

Hi Dolly,

I followed your link to Dr. Brown and listened to the podcast. I'm very interested. I went to his website at www.attachmentproject.com and filled out the free attachment style quiz. I scored as "Anxious/Preoccupied". My report read me like a book. It was validating. Now I'm thinking about buying his Anxious/Preoccupied style workbook. It looks like it would be a lot of fun for me.

Thanks again for sharing the treasures of your journey with us. I am always interested in the things that you share.

[dollyvee]

Thank you PC - it is really validating to look at things as patterns relating to attachment style and not that there's not something inherently wrong with me. It's a big can of worms. I think I remember taking that quiz in the Attached book and at the time it labelled me as mostly anxious with maybe some FA but looking at it now, i'm for sure FA. Maybe the Dan Brown quiz is more thorough but it might be worth having look at the Heidi Priebe videos on youtube relating to anxious and fearful avoidant as FAs can swing either anxious and/or avoidant depending on the relation. One thing she mentioned is how it relates to intimacy and anxious will always need to have that connection and the same with FAs for a while, but then they start to feel too enmeshed and have a loss of self, so will deactivate.

Listened to this video today which was helpful in that it made me realize that I don't really know my emotions. I'm sort of attuned but it does feel like a lot of suppression because I need to "get things done" as she explains in the video. I always had to do things, there was never time to feel. I'm also realizing that they're confusing and if they come up, it's like I don't know what to do with them. She mentions that as adults we have to problem solve or look for solutions on what to do with them. I don't think I ever learned that, or that I was capable of doing that? Or that they were wrong when they came up. So, maybe that's why they feel confusing and scary.

Learning Self-Regulation Through Self-Attunement
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TplLHhDRqAQ

I also had a good session bringing this up with t and feel like a lot of different parts/areas are starting to make sense that have been coming up over the past few years.

I have been ruminating tonight and just reread what I wrote a few days ago about poking holes in the thinking when it comes up. I forgot about that. It's really interesting to see in action how "normal" this thinking is for me, but it's not me, and I do feel better to look at it like it's not a danger and that it's attachment thinking.

[Hope67]

I also had a good session bringing this up with t and feel like a lot of different parts/areas are starting to make sense that have been coming up over the past few years.

Hi Dollyvee,
This is so great, and I'm pleased that you had this good session, and that a lot of different parts/areas are starting to make sense. 

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your resources that you listen to and find helpful, as I am keen to watch and listen to some of them, and often I think to myself that I wish there was more time in life to fit everything in and listen mindfully.  Depending on how I'm feeling, I don't always manage to act on my intentions to do something.  But you putting links to your resources is very helpful. 


Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope

I watched this video yesterday and I got to the second thing, learning where your boundaries are and how it shows up in your body when a boundary has been crossed, and what you need to do to address that boundary crossing, and I think I mentally tapped out. I think this is a really big one for me and I'm noticing how I'm still reeling from asserting a boundary before. That I have a boundary "wake" that comes along and tries to undo the boundary because I feel so bad (?), so guilty (?), so ashamed (?), so needing the person I set it with. How did that happen though? How do I need this person so much that I can't say when something doesn't feel right for me? Intellectually, I can understand this, but I don't know how it got to that point? On what level and why/how am I giving something (my power I guess?) to this person? Am I confusing love and security? Acceptance and security? Security as protection? I think it's pretty interesting on what a deep/subconscious level this stuff comes up on.

5 Tools For Building A Healthy Relationship With Yourself
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2GVIGWY1G0

[dollyvee]

Feel like I'm going through something rn. That I'm really fighting the thinking of "I can't trust this person," "this person did/didn't do x and it must mean," and then I slowly start realizing that, wait a minute, FAs have a hard time trusting people. This is my attachment coming up, and then, is it my attachment? What if it's real? I had an intuition and set a boundary before, how do I know that it's not being crossed again? Then there's the other part going, this is boring surely there's a better option where you don't have to do this stuff (the "perfect" vision), which then becomes deactivation on almost a body level. But it's not even that I want another option, it's just the feeling of being safe and protected. So, it does feel like fighting my own brain.

Maybe it has to do with expectations. That there is a part of me wanting something to be a certain way, turn out a certain way. Is this the part that needs to feel safe and protected? If so, how can that be a bad thing? I guess it's forming an idea that things have to be a certain way because I'm bringing past trauma thinking into the situation because myy feelings have never been protected by someone (ok how do I protect my feelings)...then fall into the old cycle of how I did it growing up.

Also, something came up during my session with t that I don't know where it came from or why.

TW ~

I was speaking with t, I think about the 500mg of psilocybin I took over the Christmas break and what my experience of it was like. I felt pretty lucid in explaining it. It was nice to go back and talk about it. I was describing the need to figure something out vs what came up during the experience. I had taken it with the intention to deal with the triggered feelings that were coming up when I was around this guy. This weird onslaught of stuff and how I couldn't focus on that in the experience, to get *the* answer, but how feelings manifested in a different way and I had an image of a pink penis show up clearly in my minds eye. I don't know why and where it popped up from. I didn't mention it to t but I think I will next session.

TW end ~

I'm just realizing that there's stuff around sexuality coming up around me and this "crush." I guess now is maybe the time to look into sexuality stuff a little bit

[dollyvee]

Looking over my journal a bit and realizing how much I have been processing in the past few months.

I'm slowly making my way through The Shame that Binds You. I read five pages and then have to process it because it's so relevant, and cutting in a way. You want the truth, there it is. I feel like anyone who doubted if they were abused should start around p48. I don't know how this was written 35 years ago and it's still not common knowledge how there are different kinds of sexual abuse, and that it's not just touching? Maybe this was just my family and how messed up it was. Of course being in an NPD family I didn't trust any of my reactions or "icky" feelings when they happened.

Overt sexual abuse: "This involves voyeurism, exhibitionism. This can be outside or inside the home. Parents often sexually abuse children through voyeurism and exhibitionism. The criteria for in- home voyeurism or exhibitionism is whether the parent is being sexually stimulated. Sometimes the parent may be so out of touch with their own sexuality that they are not aware of how sexual they are being. The child almost always has a kind of icky feeling about it."

Emotional Sexual Abuse: "Emotional sexual abuse results from cross-generational bonding. I've spoken of enmeshment as a way that children take on the covert needs of a family system. It is very common for one or both parents in a dysfunctional marriage to bond inappropriately with one of their children. The parents in effect use the child to meet their emotional needs. This relationship can easily become sexualized and romanticized. The daughter may become Daddy's Little Princess, or the son may become Mom's Little Man. In both cases the child is being abandoned. The parents are getting their needs met at the expense of the child's needs. The child needs a parent not a spouse...Cross-generational bonding can occur with a parent and a child of the same sex. A most common form of this in our culture is mother and daughter. Mother often has sexualized rage, i.e., she fears and hates men. She uses her daughter for her emotional needs and also contaminates her daughter's feelings about men."

The first I'm pretty sure happened with sgf where would mention porn stars or other things around me (and friends?) as teen age girls. Gf had some inappropriate comments and "touching" when I was younger, probably around 8-10? Gm was definitely involved in cross generational bonding and expressed hatred towards men quite a bit. It also makes sense I guess the dream I had where I was on the date with my gf and his date and I was the one who had to decide things. I think I was inappropriately put in situations I shouldn't have been in by both gm and gf, and it is shame that made me not want to even look at this stuff. Couple with, of course, it never would have been acknowledged if I expressed it.

It also resonated a lot about the loss of self and how the child becomes fantasy bonded to the caregiver first conciously and then unconsciously through internal identification with the parent. I remember being in university and having to form an idea about what I thought or who I was in relation to people and there was just nothing there. Overtime it was a reaction to what my gp's thought. Like I still had to take on what they thought, but I was angry at them for not understanding that it didn't have to be that way (I don't know if that makes sense), but it felt like it was always an orbit in some way around what they thought about the world, and their fears about things were still very much alive in me. I guess that is the fantasy bond and identification with them. The illusion that there was a love relationship, which I have slowly been breaking apart the last few months with knowledge of gf as a narcissist too.

I tried to set the intention the other night to remain lucid in my dreams and awake before I went to sleep. I had a feeling come up of just being lost, not knowing what I really wanted like I had to look to my gm for validation and approval about what was ok. It was something I knew well. It also struck me that during the energy work I did when I tried it, I also didn't progress (do the exercise) and so when I started IFS to have the parts separate, there was a part (that was a protector part?) where I got the feeling of my gm though I don't think it was necessarily her? Maybe this is the internal identification/fantasy bond? She always said that she would look after me and protect me etc, and I guess the child self needed/wanted that. Of course it came at the expense of my actual self because I could never show any emotion with her. So, it's not exactly protecting "me."

I really resonate with the post by VeryFoggy too and how you just see these people around you that want something from you but aren't willing to respect you, and how you feel like you go out of your way to accommodate them and they just treat you like garbage. I would like to stop doing that as well. I also do think I get triggered just being around people because there are no boundaries there, and it's like I'm back with my aggressive m. It's hard trying to explain that to people and I think I've covered it up so long trying to be "normal" and people just think I'm weird or afraid of things like it's a joke.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I think I'd like to read that book 'Healing the Power that Binds You' - I am glad you're finding it helpful.  It sounds like a really useful book. 

I think you've been doing so well at processing so many tough things - I wanted to say that.


Hope 

[Papa Coco]

hi Dolly

Yeah, you've been processing a lot lately. Your posts are informative and helpful to us because of how much work you're putting into your own healing. Impressive.

I can resonate with the enmeshment of parents creating an inappropriate bond with the child. My mother was very much like that with me. It was mostly emotional, hating every female in my life; from my teachers to my childhood female friends to any girlfriend I ever brought home (Which is why Coco and I married in secret...so Mom couldn't screw up our relationship). It's real and it's confusing. I lived it myself. IN fact I'm STILL living it. That kind of inappropriate bonding lasts a lifetime. And there was some very inappropriate touching when I was 8. A memory I'll never forget as long as I live this life.

I can see how at least one of your IFS parts are carrying your gm's personality into today's decisions.  I struggle with knowing what I want today because my parents and elder siblings all made me feel like I was too weak and stupid to know what I wanted.

So as I empathize with pretty close to everything you say, I'm struck by how impressed I am that there is a lot of good help out there, and you are definitely taking advantage of it.

[CrackedIce]

Hey Dollyvee!

I keep forgetting how good the Bradshaw books are, particularly that one.  You're right in that it's quite frank and sometimes brutal, but at the same time I appreciate not beating around the bush like some other books have done.

The fantasy bond is definitely a thing.  I resonate with what you said about coming up blank when thinking about how I relate to others, it was an observation that startled me a few weeks ago.  Not knowing my own needs, or what a relationship bond even looks like with others, is a void I struggle with.

Not much help, sorry.  Maybe knowing you're not the only one in the boat helps?  Hope you have a good week in any case!

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope - I think it is a really good book. It's called Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. I'm still working out  about how I feel about his reliance on Alice Miller knowing what we know now, but the concept of shame as a core would is very valid I think and can see a lot of what he discusses in my life.

Thank you Papa Coco -  I'm really feeling you on the jealous of women in your life thing. I'm realizing now how much of a thread that was with my gm being jealous of women in my gf's life after they divorced and how that was put onto me (that she has to ensure these women aren't after money for me and my brother, or that was the official line), and not to mention that I think some of that jealousy was directed towards me by both my m and gm. It's a lot to unpack and I'm seeing how it's showing up in my interactions with other women which t and I are hopefully going to do some EMDR on. This is really big stuff and we are picking through it. I'm also starting to realize that maybe that part needed the security from my gm at that time when I was very young, and I attuned to her and picked up on her views/attitudes and how without her I feel lost (not my own person because it wasn't a healthy attunement but a narcissistic one). Now I'm just realizing that there's stuff around security coming up, which is from such a young age, and what do I do about that? And is this even just stuff from my childhood or a continuation of generational patterns and traumas? Rhetorical questions of course. I just want to move past some of this stuff.

Thank you CrackedIce - it is helpful to know that there are other people going through the same thing. I don't feel like I can go out into regular society and talk about fantasy bonds haha. though am trying to ease some people into finding out their attachment styles. Comments about the Bradshaw book are always welcome too. It's really nailed my family dynamics (not talking about things, having to be perfect etc etc) and I think maybe it takes the work of a village to change those patterns.

Was going to write some other stuff but had an experience this morning of some teenagers getting access to the building which has sent my nervous system in a bit of a tailspin. I answered the buzzer and didn't know who they were asking for so hung up. They kept buzzing back and someone else must have let them in. They came to my door and kept knocking. Then they started shouting through the letterbox to wake up you dozy slut and stuff like that. I didn't know they were teenagers but thought it was a group of men. My door has a window in it and my phone was upstairs so it wasn't like I could get it. They moved on to the neighbours and I called the police. I went to a place of fear pretty quickly. I noticed that I was trying to push this down (gaslight myself into thinking it wasn't that bad or I shouldn't be upset about it), and thought it would be good to acknowledge what happened and write about it.

More stuff this week though it's a bit confusing. Trying to know what I'm feeling when it comes up, which is not as easy as it sounds. Still working on the boundary stuff. Although, I also feel like a part of me is resisting going deeper with it. To say that I actually need you to be supportive of me with that stuff because this other person's behaviour is not ok and I'm not the problem.

[Armee]

I'm really sorry DollyVee about what happened today. That is legitimately frightening. I'd feel very shaken.