dollyvee's recovery journal

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I think it's lovely that you enjoyed some time by the special tree and saw the new born lamb as well.  That sounds relaxing.   
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope  I've checked back in on the little guy, I was worried it wouldn't make it as the weather has been cold at night, and it's doing well I think. Made sure not to get to close and scare them. The moms are protective though and keep them safe, but is nice to watch them running around.

_______________________

Attended Unattached Burdens course yesterday which was fascinating. He showed a video of Richard Schwartz doing an IFS session with someone who had one and it was so interesting to watch. I feel like there's so much room outside what is considered normal to explain our internal processes, and maybe because of my upbringing, for so long I just wanted a "normal" family (to be supported and loved for me) that I blocked out a lot of other ideas (connections) because, I guess fundamentally, it didn't feel safe. Frank, the IFS-ee in the video, describes two fears when talking about UBs - that there is something in him that is malevolent, and that ppl will think he's making it up (he's crazy). I relate to both. He also mentions it's shame that keeps him from talking about these things, that what if there is something wrong with him. There's something in my IFS that comes up which is either a shadow aspect or possibly a UB. Still trying to discern what is what.

IFS has kind of been on pause for me as I'm trying to make sense of what it's shown me in the past. I think there's a part that maybe needs to know what it all means so it can process it and feel safe. Thinking about "guides," something that will come up in the final UB seminar, I did an IFS back to the "black" to see if the Inuit faces/Native American figures (shadows) that I had seen were maybe guides. After the UB workshop, this is maybe not the safest, but I forgot about that. When I went back the figure of an Inuit (?) woman with a round face came out though she did look more European thinking about it now. She was like a grandmother/wise woman with long grey/white hair. I had a part that was very anxious about what was going on, excited but also like it was trying to force things (a "realness" onto it?) so that I could be sure about what I was seeing, that it was concrete. That part felt very young, and is familiar. I think it comes up in relationships (all the time?) that I have to make sure that person/security is not going away; that it's a type of protection. I couldn't unblend from this very well and almost forgot to. It felt like it was overwhelming Self. It's interesting, I think maybe this part is related to my grandmother? That that's the protection I needed and got from her (even if it was maybe an illusion).

On another IFS yesterday (well, thinking about a situation and trying to unblend), I noticed some things. When thinking about a person, it was like images of his opposite came up; ideas that might have made him uncomfortable. That a part of  me did this to protect myself, so maybe it would be awkward with this person or distance between us at the least. I actually think this happens quite a bit in different situations that there's a part that just "makes things awkward" but can see it now that it's protecting me.

Lots of things to work out, but good to write it down even if these things are not the easiest to talk about.

[dollyvee]

It's been an intense couple of weeks - my grandmother passed away last weekend and I think I'm still working out how to process that.

I think it's good to take some space for me and work it out. I don't want to fall into any old patterns of leaping to fill my family's need and feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. My brother is back after not speaking to my grandparents for two years and part of me is upset that my grandfather is willing to put aside his lying about me so he can speak with him, which makes him feel better. I never wanted them to choose sides I guess, but just recognize and stand up for what is fair - acknowledging and holding him to account about his behaviour. But it seems like, again, this (and I) get left in the dust over his needs. So, a part of me is pulling back and just working out how to deal with this and these new feelings towards it. Funnily enough this seems to be a similar pattern to what is happening at work.

This weekend was the last weekend of the Unattached Burdens course and I don't even know if I want to write what came up. Part of me is thinking that surely I must've made this up because a part of me is scared (taking responsibility again).

IFS meditation
We were asked to check in with our parts and let them know we were going to be going on a journey and see if they were ok with that and to unblend. I did this and really tried to be in person/Self on the path we were walking. I chose to take the higher path and as soon as I started walking along it - I saw a white face with red eyes that felt like "male" energy. I kept walking and reflected that maybe this was the dragon I saw in a previous IFS. I felt the familiar "bad smell" feeling where it's like something inside makes a face and squishes up to avoid something - like my eyes shut tight and I just want to get away (all metaphorically but it's there). So, concentration was a bit of an issue and it felt like this feeling  inside was hindering that concentration. I also felt more pain in my hip - it became uncomfortable and I moved positions several times. (In the first class we did a meditation where we scanned our bodies with a ball of light and I noticed some brown energy in my hip along with some other places). It then occurred to me that Bob mentioned that unattached burdens can have red eyes. I tried to continue with the meditation and find my guide. I had an image of a small thing with kind of a mushroom cap but it was difficult to unblend from the feeling I described above.

The night I did this meditation, I woke up in the middle of the night and had some thoughts about it and made some notes that if it is a UB, or whatever it is, affects the belief of who I am as a person - that I then think there's something wrong with me, that I'm a bad person.  That maybe this came in at a time when I was dealing with my mom behaving the way she did and holding onto this gave me a sense of power and control; that there was a fear there at this time and I could hold onto this? It's like this fear that I don't feel good enough (or just this fear really) keeps me in a space where I don't feel confident or recognise my true value, or give me that ability to say no/stand up for myself/put a boundary up. Tbf I am doing these now, but it's like I'm stuck in a loop of drawing the negative energy to me in the first place where I have to do these things (like all the crazy experiences at work). So, maybe there is something on an unconscious level that I haven't worked out and maybe this is it? I also have the feeling of accomplishing things in my life but it's as if I can never stop to enjoy them, that it's never good enough.

Part of me says everyone has these issues, but in speaking to a friend who has similar trauma (narc family etc) he's really good at recognizing this is his family and what is good for him, to stand up for himself etc. With me it feels like it just becomes doubt and a question.

I have a session with a therapist that specailizes in unattached burdens and IFS booked so let's see what comes up. It just feels to weird to even consider this but I want to get to bottom of what is happening for me.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Sending you a hug, if that's ok   

I've not read all your post, but I saw that your grandmother passed away last weekend, and you mentioned taking some space for yourself - people have said to me to take time and be gentle with myself, and that was helpful to hear, so I wanted to also say that to you, and hope it's helpful for you.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you for the hug Hope  It was helpful to hear that.

Feeling in a different place in a couple ways. I had an IFS session and met quite a few parts that I'm happy to know are inside of me. I think I've also found some information about my health which was illuminating and tied to trauma. The more I research SIBO, the more it seems to come together. It being my mental and physical health and how I relate to the world. So, if your gut is in a reactive state (through SIBO), it will stimulate your vagus nerve and relay the message to your brain that you're not safe. My anxiety, weight gain, cavities, the way I sometimes food would get stuck in my throat, food allergies are connected and, I think to a certain extent, maybe keep the trauma alive.

I've been taking a herbal protocol for a little while and my anxiety has been through the roof. i feel agitated, angry and have bad short term memory. Maybe I'm a lot in my body right now, and maybe before I was a lot in my head but will be interesting to see what happens if I can bring them into balance.

[rainydiary]

Dollyvee, I'm glad you been finding things that help you feel supported and safe and well. 

[dollyvee]

Thank you rainy  it's really interesting to see how the physical symptoms influence how I feel.

Have been reading a book on vagus nerve exercises and it mentions how if your vagus nerve is inactive it can make you feel withdrawn and unwilling to socialize. This is very familiar to me and it's incredible how maybe that is related to something physical.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I am sending you another hug, if that's ok    It's good that you've been finding that book helpful and the mention of the vagus nerve.
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope. It's fascinating to see how connected it all is

About six weeks into my SIBO treatment and I've just finished a manic week at work - 10 days straight with the last day being 18hrs and dealing with being threatened with a lawyer from the collegue who keyed my car. It happened again on another job a few weeks ago after working with some of his friends. I made a big fuss and he got scared I think. The crazy thing is now I have to pay £6200 because I was sexually harassed at work. I'm going to try the union first but am cynical they will do anything after what they told me last time.

Anyway, I'm ignoring that for now. Physically, I feel great after working so much. I can't believe that after only one day of rest I was up, trying to get the flat in order. I think whatever I have been taking for the SIBO is helping and maybe I'm on the road to getting my body back. I was triggered at work by another instance. I've started developing feelings for an unavailable colleague after getting mixed signals, but I feel like it's easier to pinpoint that anxiety and see where the uneasiness I'm feeling is coming from instead of feeling a little uneasy all the time because my health isn't great? We'll see. This colleague is another matter and time to make some new choices and think carefully about my boundaries. I'm just so happy all this health stuff is starting to come together and gives me something positive to focus on.   

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I hope your body continues to feel well and will think of you as you navigate your work.   

[dollyvee]

Thank you Rainy - it's appreciated.

I feel like I'm doing ok rn. There's a lot going on but I feel more centred in myself and my T has noted that I seem improved in how I responded to challenges at work over the last few months.

I felt like I had an impasse with IFS over the last little while, maybe something to what Owl is describing in her journal right now. That I felt like I couldn't connect to what parts were active and what they wanted. I also started researching Bon Tibetan Buddhism as I think this resonates with me and syncs in a way with what my parts were showing me. I've been learning about healing with the elements and have had some strong dreams/experiences, similar to when I started IFS. I'm feeling the relationships with my family a little differently and maybe at more of a distance, but also more vividly in some ways. I feel like this is supplementing the work i started with IFS and starting to look at big things in a different way - my attachments, lack of trust (in something bigger etc) and blocks in giving/compassion.

I can see that I have feelings of guilt with my mom and grandmother. I can also see that when I am feeling guilty because my mom blamed me for leaving after being treated the way I was by her and my stepfather, I am giving them power over me. This is a big one and I think it relates to how I interact with the world and the competitiveness (power over me) I feel coming from people in the world and the fear it brings up in me. This is a really challenging idea to deal with because if I give up the idea of protection of my family, I feel like I have nothing. I guess it's going to take some time to realize that it's not true or it's only a part of me that feels that way and thinks that I'm responsible for them. I'm trying to be with it and approach it in the meditations but it does feel overwhelming. Especially when I go out into world and it doesn't feel like a safe place. I'm trying not to think that it's me and to be with it, let it go. It's hard to unlearn when you love someone you want to help them, and that as a child you weren't responsible for them.

Also, is interesting that when working with the Fire element, the first thing that popped up was this idea of my mom that I had in IFS and that the Fire element has to do with attachment which governs our digestion haha.

[dollyvee]

In my meditation the other morning, I had an image of my step father come up and it was like a part of me closed down, or dissociated that I didn't want to see it. This morning I made a comment about my stepfather and his behaviour going after my mom's money after she died and it "came to me" how not ok his behaviour was. It's like I have these blinders up shielding me from ppl who are behaving similar but are ironically still keeping me tied to that energy and what happened. In what world do you think it's ok to call an 8 year old fat and make them run?

When this stuff comes up in meditation sometimes I get a bit lost, like I don't know how to handle this energy and the fear kind of creeps up. What I like about the meditation, is that there is an outline for what to do when that fear happens. You try to cultivate the positive qualities and let the negative ones go. I've been listening to some podcasts as well and apparently when you have PTSD (which according to her is more of a result of the unpredictability of behaviour than how "bad" it was) you experience soul loss. These mediations are about bringing it back and your parts back. Maybe fear is a very strong component of that.

If anyone is interested these are what I'm looking at:
https://whyshamanismnow.com/2010/05/shamanism-and-ptsd-recovery/

This is kind of an overview of the practice but the book Healing with Form, Energy, and Light goes into more detail. Ligmincha Learning also has courses. I think these teachings sometimes need to be brought into a CPTSD perspective as I think there's another layer ie some of us are ppl pleasers who developed this coping strategy in response to abuse, so service comes naturally but it might not be touching on the deeper trauma and awareness of that trauma. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9G6shv7emVk

dolly

[dollyvee]

Just reread my last post and felt like it was missing the "out of body" way of looking at my stepfather's behaviour I felt this morning. That it is not ok in any capacity. Where before, maybe I always felt like a part of me had to accept it - that I wasn't free?

I've found this this morning and sums up some of the things I have been feeling and fearing. That fear I feel when I don't have my grandmother or when I saw that she couldn't be everything to me, and how to define it. Interesting the similarities between my mom and love and the relationship to emptiness and love. That boundless space is called the mother and we can lose that connection and feel fear instead of love and possibility. That my mother will never love me in that way but I have the potential inside me to bring that love into my life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jn0g05e8QIs

Am rambling a bit but I think there's a metaphor in there somewhere.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate you sharing these experiences.  I am learning more about energy and spirituality as there is healing to be done on those levels...and yet it is difficult to always wrap my mind around. 

This line really stood out to me because I do this too.

It's like I have these blinders up shielding me from ppl who are behaving similar but are ironically still keeping me tied to that energy and what happened.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Rainy 

I've been posting/lurking for about a year on this forum and looking back I'm really grateful to have this outlet to just put it all down even if it doesn't seem to make sense. I think I've learned a lot from everyone here. So thank you   

Day to day I've been feeling more settled. I've felt active in getting things done. I don't know how to explain it - the kind of dread/procrastination/worry about doing simple things has been loosening. The background noise of "things will never work out" seems to have been turned down. I'm trying to look at it when it comes up like at the gym the other day.

My personal view of the gym is it's a place where I can test myself and get in touch with my body. I don't really care what other ppl are doing, what they look like, if they can do more than me etc. That's their life/lane and I wish them well. However, I feel like that backfires and I get drawn into ppl's drama/need for attention - that they want to make things difficult for me because they need to feel better about themselves. I can see how this relates to my stepfather/mother and I'm trying to bring myself into the present when I'm in this situation and see it with new eyes. Sometimes I feel like ppl go out of their way to provoke other ppl, that it becomes a contest of will and strength and it gets to me. I guess I can only go so far, so fast and I'm not that person or in the same situation I was then.