dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thank you DF - I've found comfort in the ideas Tibetan Bon Meditation these past four years. Though sometimes I feel the practices are sort of not suited to trauma survivors. For example, I like the example where he talks about facing his own patterns, but he also describes his fear as stemming from (and I guess I'm being judgemental here) from a relatively supportive family who was worried about him injuring himself, but also gave him the freedom to do it if he chose. I feel that upbringing is quite a bit different than a lot of us on here. So, how do we unlock our own patterns where terror, dissociation etc get in the way?

[Desert Flower]

Hey Dolly, those are some very interesting questions you're raising. I've been thinking about these as well. I've been practicing Tibetan Buddhism for some six years now.

I visited my Tibetan Buddhist teacher (Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche) in the US about a year ago. (It was a very special date that I met him actually, it was my deceased father's birthday. And this ties in perfectly with seeing him as my spiritual father.) I had the precious opportunity to ask him one question. And I asked him: What can I do about never feeling good enough and always looking to others for confirmation etc. ? And he pointed out our Buddha Nature. That we are all right deep within and what others think doesn't matter. And that set a lot in motion with regard to my healing over the past year.

And I recently spoke to my Buddhist teacher/ Elder in my Buddhist group over here about my diagnosis, therapy etc. and how to relate to this from a Buddhist point of view. And he said, there's two main points: to feel space and to be grounded at the same time. And when you're feeling too much space, you're out/up there in the air too much and this could lead to dissociation for us. So for us (and for many many Western students of Tibetan Buddhism as well) it's terribly important to work on being/staying grounded. And that's actually what I had been practicing these past year and I feel it has brought me out of dissociating a lot and into feeling my body. So that really works for me.

In addition, I'm now practicing Tonglen for my inner children and that's helping me a lot with developing Compassion for them and myself (and then next every sentient being of course but I'm pausing with me for a bit).

(And then there's the Vajrayana view of diving into these deep emotions like terror and transforming/dissolving them that way. And that sometimes works for me too, if I can stay present that is.)

[dollyvee]

Thank you DF - I did mean that somewhat rhetorically as it seems like such a huge question, but I'm glad you are finding things that have worked for you.

For me, I think dissociation is much more subconscious and the time when I shift into another part happens almost instantaneously, and it's times like these when thoughts of the Buddha Nature seem like an unobtainable fantasy. That being said, even if I were to slow down and try to remain grounded, I suspect that there is also something else going on (ie irritability, or a fight/flight response). I think to a certain extent, meditation helps focus our brains, but with trauma at times it feels, or has felt for me, that in order to get to a certain state it means suppressing things rather than "dealing" with them because those responses feel constant. (Ann M. Drake goes into this a bit in her book The Energetic Dimension and how the meditations are not always suited to trauma survivors). That being said, I feel like I have had success with the four elements meditations in altering some patterns, but more work needs to be done with water for me over space.

_____________________

I had a dream the other night about a friend that acted very selfishly towards me and another friend. It was strange because I haven't thought of her in quite a while and I messaged the other friend about it. I went back and reread some of the friend's messages after their falling out and she said how it was really difficult to come to the conclusion about what kind of person she is, and that she had to accept that maybe she was like that all along. I was stumped about why she would show up in my dream and when I read that message, I realized that maybe I had been holding out hope that she would one day "get it," and acknowledge how crappy her actions were. I think I also gave her leeway over myself, or somehow doubted myself after calling her out on her behaviour because I looked up to her, and I knew what kind of upbringing she had. Not great, but also mine was perhaps worse? Not that it's a competition, just realizing how I put my needs down at the expense of other peoples'. I also realize that I have probably been doing this with other people. I mean, that's what I was trained to do growing up.

[Desert Flower]

Apologies Dolly, I didn't get that your questions were rethorical and my response was a bit uncalled for maybe, just ignore it if it doesn't fit.
(I do agree that for trauma survivors, not all meditations are suited, we have to be careful.
Also, I'm not quite sure how the dissociation part fits in (although I may have sounded like I am), I'm exploring that too. Maybe I'll respond to the thread about that later on.)

Take care 

[dollyvee]

Thanks DF, no need to apologize. I ask questions in my journal sometimes, perhaps it's somehow an extension of me questioning myself. Anyways, I don't want you to feel like it was up to you to answer the big questions about life. I am also acutely aware now that I have a part that is also aware of those trying to answer those questions for me and is protective about that.

___________________

How do I explain this weird "in between" feeling right now? That I'm trying things, but also maybe not 100% sure of what I'm wanting, or what it is that I'm feeling? It's kind of like a buzzy, unassurdness. Maybe this is what it's like to be ungrounded and not in Self? It does feel "familiar." Though I think more about trying to be myself than to people please? I was playing tennis and it was doubles with different ages. There was someone around my age and there is a good rapport. The games felt competitive, which I don't mind though I was clearly the weakest player there. I noticed that after the third or fourth game, I sort of checked out, or became somewhat spacey. Part of me was joking, playing etc and there was another part that was sort of checked out with this sort of groundless feeling. So, after the game when it was time to chat a bit, I noticed that it was hard to center myself, and couldn't really focus on the chat. I felt like I had to protect myself (that it was dangerous in a way to be exposed?). I don't know if it was the having fun, and feeling more authentic and "out there" that then caused this pull back. Or maybe the feeling of opening myself up to criticism about my playing/not being good at something. Or maybe having fun while not being good at something and accepting that.

____________________

I was slightly concerned about security on a website account this morning and wanted to update my password. When I went to think up passwords, I noticed that two I had used before in some variation had to do with my gf and brother, two men in my life who have not treated me the greatest to say the least. When I tried to think about something reflective of me, it came up that that was sort of difficult, and I remembered the exercise in the book on immature parenting where they asked to list five things you knew you were good at, or could do competently in your life and I found that a struggle. This sort of felt like the same thing. I felt that was significant.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I resonate with the in between, buzzy feeling you are noticing.  I like that description of buzzy because that is how I feel these days too.

[dollyvee]

Thank you rainy - I guess it sort of feels like being exposed and not really sure what to do. I don't want to reenact old patterns, and I also don't feel like I know which direction to take.

_____________________

When I was talking about my old friendship with someone I knew from decades ago, I felt myself slipping into a familiar pattern about sort of very subtly shifting how I was to fit, or to avoid rejection I think. I felt there was something around having a "fun" persona, and just very subtly shifting what I thought/felt so it wasn't that serious or definite. I don't know how to explain it. Like when I have to "present" myself to someone, it's just chaos (?)/static/anxiety? I don't know how to describe it. I also wonder if this came up because I felt like I "had to" make a response to them in a certain period of time, or it would be "rude"/viewed a certain way etc, which I think probably helped with this feeling. So, I try to present the "normal" of who I think I have to be? I'm also realizing that these friendships were "needed" to soften my experience of the world at that time, so I didn't have to be on my own, and felt overwhelming I guess given what I was also dealing with with my family and trying to find my place in life.

Yesterday I went for a walk in nature, and had a lot of empathy towards myself, or emotions come up around how I've tried to push people away over the years. I don't think I can go back to the feeling or describe it better than that, but it's kind of a toughness at times and I was recognizing that person that I had to be. Then I went grocery shopping and felt way too "exposed," or vulnerable in the frame of mind I was in, and the toughness came back. I remember at times being in my early 20s and thinking about going out and doing things and how insurmountable it seemed to at times because I felt like I had to deal with this "fight" from people. Or that people would see this vulnerability in me and take the piss. However, I also don't think this toughness is/was the answer as it's still engaging with a pattern  in a way. I couldn't be vulnerable in my family, and where does that leave me? How to be open to receiving when there's not a lot of great people in the world, and when I still don't always trust myself.

I also realized that I need to approach dissociation more seriously, and accepting that I have it to some degree and setting an intention to discover how it makes "my brain work," or functions in me. I think also accepting that I don't always have to be functional is a start, and that I have needs where I can't take care of everything on my own always (though I think a big trap was expecting others to do it for me like my gm did with my gf and sgf). Joanne Twombly talks about a part that blanks things, or numbs things, and I think I also have a part that does this.

[dollyvee]

I'm finding it really incredible how I could have all this inflammation/allergy inside, yet not really show any symptoms. No sneezing, no nothing, just some itchiness at night. I started taking fish oil and it's like I can feel it interacting with the inflammation. There was a pressure in my head, and I wonder how I have been functioning with so much neuroinflammation?

Trying to take histimine out of my diet, I found that chocolate is high in histimine. It brought me back to being a child where I had an "allergy" to chocolate. Now I think, whatever I have (MCAS? CIRS?) they didn't know it existed in the 80s, so it would have been seen as an allergy. But I remember my family knowing when I would've snuck chocolate because the blood vessels in my face would dialate (reacting to the histamine), and it was a "thing." It brought me back to going for all these allergy tests (and now how sick I was with asthma at times - again high histamine) and....like it was a problem with no answers, and I was a burden for having it. So, it taught me to disregard myself and my actual needs is the shorthand I guess.

(I'm also aware of my gm and her health issues, and how she didn't do anything to help them, but also the lethargy/giving up/wanting someone to take care of her/having attention behind that (?) Or the narrative of just being really ill (but I can see from the psych reports that she left out the drinking etc. Watching her giving up, is this something I feel compelled to do as well out of "love." Maybe this affects how I look at my own health?)

Anyways, there were times when my m didn't want to help my health ie quitting smoking. It's something that severely affected me and it was a fight with her, even as a kid. It sort of makes me think about the stereotypical kid with the inhaler that doesn't want to do sports. That was literally me. And my m chided me for not doing sports and being "chubby." And there I was wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't do those things, or probably didn't want to on some level because I didn't feel good enough about doing them (because physically, it didn't feel right?).

I also, as I was writing the above, remember having to take cod liver oil at a time. Or I'm pretty, pretty sure I did (I also remeber having to take this liquid asthma medication and holy cow how I hated that. I can still feel the visceral reaction, but I guess a large part of that young age was having to take medication), which makes me think that maybe there was a time when my health was on track, or being taken care of. So, what happened? It became a burden for my m? It made my gm feel better when I was ill (and "uncurable," like her, or so she could "take care" of me), so she gave in and let me do what I wanted ie not take the CLO? I was going to write, or they were just too wrapped up in themselves to care though that just seems diminishing and they're off the hook somehow?

So, I'm the parent now. I have started taking my CLO (or fancier flavoured fish oil, it is the 21st century now) and it's helping me. It still tastes awful. (I am also wondering when it was suggested by the FMP for something else ages ago, I had a resistance to taking it, though I also didn't feel the effects I'm feeling now, if it was because of these childhood memories) But I am being the parent and managing this.

[Chart]

Hey DV, this inflammation topic interests me immensely. I'm struggling with a hernia (inguinal) and trying to reduce all inflammatory foods from my diet.

What has been the immediate benefits of the fish oil you've started taking?

I'm glad that you're overcoming the past tendency to not look after yourself. Self-parenting and doing the work all over again, but with a little more understanding and care this time.
 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Chart  The thing is I do feel like I have been trying to take care of myself, but perhaps there is a dissociated part still attached to the past and does not want to do those things.

A family member has a hilatial hernia and I've been trying to get them to see a functional medicine doc for eons. It sounds very painful. For me, addressing histamine and inflammation has basically made the symptoms visable, which is not great. I guess my cortisol was covering it before and keeping me in that hypervigilant state I've known so well since childhood, which is probably why eveerything felt "normal." So, now there's more brain fuzz, muscle aches seem more pronounced, just overall achiness, but also more relaxed. I think it's just starting to do it's job, but I can update in a couple weeks. I posted a link in rainy's journal (?) about histamine and it's interesting that it talks about a kind of body anxiety, or an anxiety that felt "different" to patients. I would say that type of anxiety has lessened for me too (I've also started taking more histamine supps - quercetin & skullcap with some DAO).

I think this has been relatively hidden or not as bad because I have cut out inflammatory markers for me (gluten and alcohol) for a long time. However, looking back when I was quite sick (ie falling asleep after reading a page in a book for example, or having bad, sudden exercise fatigue (like not being able to run suddenly after doing 5Ks no problem), I think it was a flare of MCAS only I didn't know that's what it was, and thought it was linked to something else (ie thyroid). Now I can see that it's still there, waiting to rear it's head when it's been prodden by mycotoxins for example.

If it were me, I would look into intestinal inflammation as well. So, anything that might be off intestinally - SIBO, h pylori, any other kind of gut dysbiosis (ie parasites, yeast, or imbalances). Usually, if this is an issue there is an underlying cause driving it. For me, it was mycotoxins. I would be curious if any kind of intestinal inflammation is aggravating the hernia, and causing pain. Perhaps you could also have systemic chronic inflammation like me - lucky you! If you have your t levels as well, and they are on the low side (as per a functional level) that might be able to tell you something as well.

I'm also following Dr Shoemaker's protocol for mycotoxins which might be of interest:
https://www.survivingmold.com/docs/12_STEP_SHOEMAKER_PROTOCOL_FOR_CIRS.PDF

[dollyvee]

I also think that writing the above entry from earlier today is important because it's reminding me of a time in my life where things didn't feel right, and there was this mystery to what was making me sick, this big unknown, and not being able to do anything about it. It wasn't supported to trust myself and my health needs were minimized. It felt like there WAS something wrong with me that I couldn't explain and that was a burden to my m.

[Chart]

Thanks DV! Honestly, most of what you've mentioned is kinda Greek to me, but I'm gonna check out your suggested links and piece through the terms one by one.

I identify with not feeling right when young (for me it was all emotional though). I remember my mom just repeating that it was "normal" over and over again. I too knew then that there was something wrong with me that I couldn't explain. And I knew it wasn't "normal" at all.

Glad that the acheiness and anxiety have relaxed a bit. I think I'll start the fish oils asap. Can't hurt.
  

[NarcKiddo]

It's interesting how so many of these people are weird around illness in some way or another. I'm actually not that surprised you could have had all this inflammation and not know. I think we are very good at suppressing everything and ignoring what we can't suppress. We had to do that as children.

I hope you feel better soon.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your reflections on health and wellness.  This topic is showing up more in my life and I hadn't/don't think on this much.  As I get older it is taking on different meaning.

[Hope67]