dollyvee's recovery journal

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think it's very difficult to untangle this from the internal "soup" sometimes that is going on because 1) we had to turn them off for survival 2) how do we tell ourselves that it is ok to have these responses and 3) what are these responses because they can be so ephemeral 4) untangling those from the things that I was told (generational trauma and otherwise) that I had to do for survival, or I was "supposed" to do for survival ie I guess discerning what actually makes me feel "safe."

I think these are very apt points. They serve well to describe my own thoughts, and "soup" is such an accurate metaphor.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[dollyvee]

Thank you AA

I feel the soup may have gotten worse. I am just feeling agitated unable to block out the negativity around me. Or rather, perhaps just work from the highly functioning, organized part that keeps everything out, or the things in place that need to be in place.

Yesterday for example, I was in the cafe at the gym and it was quite busy as usual on a Saturday morning. There weren't a lot of places to sit and the places that I did want to sit ie the comfy chairs, had people's stuff there, but no people. So, I sat adjacent to a table with an empty pram, but wasn't really sitting at the table. The people came back after finishing a game of tennis after about five minutes. I guess the dad, who had the baby, had been watching the mom play tennis and left the empty pram at a table. When they came back they made a medium do about going but went to another table and just stood there for a while. The thing is, I could have been using the other coffee table next to me.

There was another family that had also taken two tables, one for the parent/gp and another for the two kids while they ran around playing. The table that the kids were at was a big six plus seater too and they weren't even using it most of the time. In my mind, I was thinking what are these people doing? It may seem like trivial instances, and I'm sure other people wouldn't be bothered, but inside it's the lack of awareness about other people that bother me. Like who would feel that entitled to do things like that? Maybe it's about asserting myself in those situations, or the awareness of having to deal with people like that. I guess perhaps it could be related to what t and I touched on recently, and how to deal with anger when it comes up, or how it gets suppressed etc.

So, after these experiences, I had a dream last night where I was hiding in an apartment (behind this metal stack of like shopping cart sides?) from this giant thing that was walking around outside, which I'm pretty sure was the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. I was peeking around the corner a bit and saw it's eye, or I'm pretty sure it's eye saw me, and I retreated behind the stack, thinking it wouldn't fit in the apartment. However, it somehow shrunk it's size into something else and it was in there. When I looked up marshmallows today in the dream dictionary, it said that to see marshmallows represents timidity and lack of self confidence; you need to be more assertive and stand up for yourself. These are the things that I'm trying to hide from. However, when I look at those qualities in relation to what happened yesterday, it's like something in me in the moment shuts down when I feel that anger, and I'm left trying to write it out and justify it. This is really, really familiar. I guess this is going in one of the core things that I need to work on, and I'm glad t and I are starting to touching on it now. I think it's just a hard thing to do without feeling like my world is going to collapse.

[dollyvee]

I'm definitely processing something right now and writing the above has made me feel somewhat like why am I talking about this stuff, and then I reread Healing Developmental Trauma, and am so thankful for that book again, and reaffirms why I chose to try NARM I think.

Heller writes that those with the connection survival strategy often have weak energetic boundaries where "we experience an energetic boundary impingement or rupture as threatening and anxiety provoking."

"Connection individuals' struggle with compromised boundaries is often misunderstood and pathologized: they feel crazy because of their extreme sensitivity to environmental triggers. Practitioners, friends, and family often reinforce these individuals' negative feelings by communicating that it is "all in their head." It is not."

"Compromised energetic boundaries lead to the feeling of being flooded by environmental stimuli, particularly by human contact."

"The inability of a traumatized person who does not have adequate energetic boundaries to filter external stimuli makes the
world seem continuously threatening. Compromised energetic boundaries are one cause of the continual sense of threat and high arousal that lead to hypervigilance."

"Because of the breach in their energetic boundaries, individuals with the Connection Survival Style use interpersonal distance and self-isolation as a protective mechanism, as a substitute for their compromised boundaries. They develop life strategies to minimize contact with other human beings. Adequate energetic boundaries are among the missing resources for socially phobic individuals."

Interesting as well as lately I feel like I have "problems" with my eyes and hand eye coordination in tennis:

"In Reichian theory, what is called the eye block engenders a depression of all bodily functions and a systemic reduction of energy available to the organism."

"When we are not present to who or what is directly in our vision, we live in fantasy. For example, if a child is bitten by a dog, all dogs may become trauma triggers. If the adult that child becomes sees all dogs as dangerous, that individual is not using his or her eyes. He or she is not able to distinguish in the present moment which dogs are dangerous and which dogs are not. The ideal of seeing the world accurately is related to the process of being present, in the moment and in the body."

"Transference is a projective process related to the ocular block. It is a nearly universal human phenomenon that affects all of us. For example, when a man responds to another person as if he or she were his mother, he is literally not seeing the other person; he is not using his eyes. As a result, he is living in a fantasy; he is responding from his adaptive survival style to unresolved past experience."

"The resolution for transference and trauma triggers is to see what is actually in front of us without an overlay of fantasy or projection."

"One of the most effective ways to help individuals with projective patterns is to invite them to engage their eyes, to orient themselves to their environment in the present moment. As soon as individuals begin to use their orienting response, they become more present, and projections begin to dissolve."

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I really find the information about the 'ocular block' to be really pertinent to things I'm experiencing recently - i.e. pain in the eye area when processing things - it's been something that's happened over the years, and reading what you wrote here, it is helpful.  Thank you for sharing it. 

Hope

[Phoebes]

This is fascinating, dolly. I relate to this scenario you describe, as well as feeling misunderstood about energetic boundaries. I'd never heard this theory before but I'm so glad to read this information!

I get overwhelmed in situations like this, too, from others' lack of consideration for other people. I've gotten slightly better about this over time. I'm trying to insert myself when I get that surge of stress about it in public situations, but it's hard.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope - I'm glad that was helpful for you too  It's such a simple concept, but one that I think is so hard to implement at times and to see things as they really are. I notice that at times I have tension in the back of my head/neck as well, as well as to the right side, which is also the eye that gives me the most "problems." Interesting.

Thanks Phoebes - I 'm glad you could relate and I'm sorry you've been misunderstood and find it hard too. I've had so many experiences of trying to explain how I feel/what's going on I feel like where it's met with, but why does it bother you? Or, why can't you shut it out? (these were by ts). I don't know and it had led me to feeling defective or ashamed about my experience. Perhaps maybe it's our experience that people have not been considerate to us and we are hyperaware of past events when that happened. I also saw someone leave their sweeatshirt beside a mat yesterday and someone come up and use that mat. It stuck with me that they didn't seem overly concerned about someone using that mat, or having to deal with them when they came back.

It's been difficult to start responding this morning, or perhaps I have been trying in some way to block it out. So, going on from the above. I guess I feel like anger has been coming out? Or the me who doesn't want to deal with "this" (aggressive, or passive aggressive) behaviour from people any more. Yesterday, I felt like I was "acting out" trying to stand up to it, but there's also confirmation that I'm being "confident." It's also feels like I will have to fight/defend myself because I am doing that, and be on the lookout for "tricky" people, which I noticed in bed last night, feels like a "charged state" that Heller was describing in Healing Developmental Trauma. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about what happened yesterday and sort of noticed that it did feel like there was a charge in my body. I also feel like when these feelings, or circumstances with other people come up, it's as if there's a collapse on the other side of that charged state as well. So, either one or the other.

Speaking about vision, I am noticing that I'm going into things expecting people to be fair. I wrote a little while ago about playing tennis with some guys and how they were offering advice, which didn't necessarily register, or fit. When I described this to t, she wanted me to get in touch with part that was angry about it, or that kind of reaction, which felt difficult to do. I felt like I was a beginner, and who was I to disregard what more experienced people were saying? So, it's been slowly coming out that one of the players likes to cheat a bit and I called him out on it in a joking way, which I didn't realize was going to be a "thing." So, here's me again with my vision/expectation that people are going to be reasonable. I feel like everyone was surprised that I had said something, and I feel like uh oh, here I go again; everyone's been polite and just let this go and I feel like I have to call it out. And it's funny because this is very much my relationship with my gf in a way, who stopped playing a game with me because I won. Yet, I also had to be fair all the time, or it was drilled into me to be fair and reasonable. I also don't think it's a bad thing to have those qualities. I guess it's just whether or not they're coming at my expense or not (and that I have to take it on). This feels like a fine line between good sportsmanship and being a doormat.

I'm also realizing that most of the people I had "issues" with yesterday were older men. Connection? Probably