dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Felt p. emotional after my session with T yesterday. I felt like I was talking quite openly about my grandmother and not in a hesitant/anxious/blaming myself for saying these things kind of way. That she was someone who had two sides and wasn't all knowing. Was feeling the stress/part who had to do everything, to be the one who could handle it, take on all the issues, be responsible I guess, and could see how it might cause me to hesitate to do things. What if they wouldn't turn out, then I would fail and I wouldn't be this "perfect" person that she accepted. I think there were a lot of times I felt like this growing up, to feel this pressure. And if I didn't do those things? I wouldn't survive? Annihilation?

Still thinking about that talk on fear. I mean these are huge ideas - how much of our identity is wrapped up in ppl, relationships, things. This is what it means to be human. I can see too how little separation there was between my grandmother and I at times. That she needed her identity in me and I needed in her.

I listened to another podcast the other day on protection. This is a common feeling for me, that I am not protected in the world. It was interesting when they were talking about protecting children and that you can wish for protection for your children, but there comes a time when they need to do it for themselves and it's inappropriate for you to do it for them. This stuck out for me. My grandmother always told me that she would protect me, but I think I realized over time that it was more about her needing closeness and I still felt unprotected. That I wasn't seen. That living in the world according to her and denying myself was also not protection. This is a skill in me that had been malformed in a way. I've survived this far but on an old program of protection I think.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I read what you wrote about your relationship with your grandmother and your thoughts and feelings about this.  Your session with your T covered so much, and I feel the emotion within what you wrote.  I wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok   

Your thoughts about protection were particularly thought-provoking. 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope  It does feel like big stuff and I'm really thankful that I have a little more distance to look at it now and doesn't feel so present and urgent in me. Just being aware of of these things is really powerful. The idea of protection is always there, that I know I have to do it but wasn't always allowed or trusted to do it, or given the belief that it is something I could do myself.

Have been thinking about how I am in the world or the idea(s) I had of myself - how I am supposed to be, what I thought I had to be like and that a lot of it is/was for my family. I'm also realizing/starting to look at my relationships with other ppl and how my family shaped that. It came up in a dream the other night that I went out on a date with a guy and he wanted me to pay 11k to spend the night with him. It's like it costs me a lot to be with someone, and/or that other ppl want unreasonable things from me. My grandmother was in another part of my dream and I think it's probably related. There was a lot of talk of how you can't trust men, you can't trust other ppl, in the end there's only family when I was growing up. That what is it in me that pushes other ppl away?

On my walk yesterday, I thought about how she would be wondering what my grandfather was doing if he was out socializing for a little while. She would be angry and disturbed if he was gone for an hour or so. Was it like this with me on some level? That what I'm interpreting as being unsafe were her fears and maybe jealousy; the need to control things to keep me close.

I watched part of the Goop series on Sex & Intimacy last night. The family constellation practice was fascinating. To see how things are passed on but aren't necessarily a part of you. They feel so much like us but we've learned how to behave around them. I feel like it would be so helpful to see my family in one. The parts about dealing with the body, sexuality made me so uncomfortable. It just hit home the idea of pushing people away and that this discomfort/mistrust runs in my family. I definitely see issues of sexuality and intimacy in relationships with my mom and my grandmother.

[dollyvee]

Ha - I say starting but I've been doing this for years. It does feel like it's on another level now though or in a different way. That maybe I can actually sit with some of this hurt emotionally and not be spun out by it.

Last night I went out for a walk but started out too late and ended up finishing in the dark. Sometimes this happens and I'm aware of the fear I have being alone at night in the dark. I'm in the countryside, in the fields at that time and there's no one usually out but it's there and I can most times face it and see it for what it is - just fear. It felt much more unmanageable tho last night, that it was weighing me down and I didn't feel present. The stars were amazing and there was a bright planet on the horizon I think.

I called my grandfather to check in and he was telling me about his nephew. It sounded like he was so happy and pleased with him - his job, his house, that he's doing so well. It brought up something in me and who I am/was around my family. That somehow the things I do with my life aren't good, or that they are never good enough. I told him before about the problems at work (dealing with a narcissistic boss and how I told him I didn't want to do the next job with him), and he was asking about work. I can hear, or it sounds to me, that he's worried about my working situation, which brought up a fear part in me. My family doesn't see or hear how I've taken care of myself so far.

I had a dream last night that two men broke into my house and were robbing me. When I looked up the interpretation it said: you feel that someone has stolen your success or taken credit for something you did, that you are being treated unfairly. I felt this a lot growing up that what I achieved was never really recognized.

Lots of journalling - just want to get it down. Think there's a lot of things going on right now. Not overwhelmed I think, just changing how I'm looking at things.

[Larry]

Hi Dolly,  i now how terrifying nightmares are,  I'm so sorry you had to go through that.  I hope you have a great day today. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks for  that Larry, I appreciate it. It did keep me awake for a bit. I made a cup of peppermint and liquorice tea and the warmth/taste grounded me.

I think I'm stuck in my head right now - that the fear part I felt around my mom is coming up, but also other things like if I don't connect to people in this way, how do I do it? And I think that's when the overwhelming mom part is present. There's other stuff too like ppl aren't going to like me etc.

I'm writing this and I had a light bulb - I remember being being six-ish and being invited to a birthday party. I didn't want to go and my mom was questioning me about it, and I said because they other kids won't like me. Thinking about it now and it feels like it came from a really dark place.

[dollyvee]

Work was a little overwhelming yesterday. There's a lot that's coming up right now about our workplace culture and how toxic it can be and I'm feeling that. Lots of bullying that's not called out and let happen; others have said that you can't be a nice person in this industry and get ahead. I see how it brings up old stuff in me.

I'm trying to be present and stand up to this stuff. Yesterday, it felt like I was the problem, which I haven't been feeling for a while to let it go and be professional. It's hard though when it feels like it gets to the core of how powerless I was growing up. That I'm locked in these stupid power dynamics with people and they have an influence at how my life is. I'd like to find a way to step outside that, but it feels like the only way is to validate their view of the world.

[Larry]

I'm sorry your work place is so toxic ,  you shouldn't have to deal with that, 

[Armee]

That sounds really difficult Dollyvee. I would not do well in a place like that. I hope you can wall off the toxicity a bit.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Larry & Armee it's pretty outstanding that a lot of this behaviour is normalized and I end up back in familiar place of questioning, "is it me? am I the bad one?" The double-edged sword is that if you speak up about it as well you can be a target, or "difficult." I'm still wrestling with that, looking at my actions and trying to see that I have professional intentions and just want respect for my work, not the world. That I have a right to be there, doing that.

Feeling p. squirrelly after meditation this morning. Lots of unfocused stuff coming up - distraction maybe from what I'm feeling? Meditation had to do with the wind element and it's place is in the body is the lungs. It also has to do with change and transformation. It came to me that my dad also had asthma growing up and that maybe this feeling of no one will like me might also come from him. I haven't thought much about his side of the family constellation..

TW ~
My  mom told me once (if I can believe it) that my grandmother took an experimental medication in the 50s to abort my father's pregnancy, but it didn't work and instead my dad was born with a hole in his heart. I guess it's v. fitting that you have a place missing in your heart where there should be love and instead there is the idea that you were not wanted. My dad was the third and final child in that marriage which no one ever talked about because I think it was so bad. He even changed his name to his stepfather's name. My uncle was born after him in the new marriage and was definitely the baby of the family. My grandmother was an alcoholic and I remember fights at Christmas dinner. I think she could really lay into people.
***

There was/is a lot of trauma on that side of the family and was even before what they knew what it was. I do think my dad really tried with me but I can see that he was wrestling with something else. I think maybe wanted to feel good but didn't know what to do. It also came back to me how he married someone so much like his mother when he married my mom. No matter what happened, I think I get a lot of my strength and groundedness to cope with these things from him and my aunt. By starting to deal with his stuff, he showed me a reality check of "this has what's happened in our family and there are things we can do."

I went out for my walk again the other evening at sunset and saw two other couples walking in the dark. I'm still taking it in (for whatever reason) that I'm not crazy for being out there and doing that; that I don't need "approval" to be safe. Last night the walk was beautiful to see the stars in a purple like sky, and over a far hill this bright yellow light from what I guess was the glow of the moon.

[Larry]

sounds like a nice walk ! 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Larry it is...it's like a little reset to be out and back in nature. I feel like how a dog must feel when told they're going for a walk 

So, I learned that there's a place on the forum where you can go and "check out" if you're not going to be around. I've been thinking about this and all the stuff that's been coming up around it - letting ppl know I'm not going to be around, but why would they care? And then part of me feels like I'm being dramatic, just doing it for attention in both cases (I think these are projections tho)...and then it hit me how much of my life I've felt like that around my family. The actual feeling that they don't really care about me.

These things are just coming up and I'm noticing them.

Meditation today was interesting - it's like things are happening in the background and I don't know what/can't place them. So much movement and soreness in my shoulders and base of my neck. I also had the feeling of awkward singing during the dedication. It's like my body wanted to do it one way that felt good and happy, and somehow I changed it (?) and it came out a bit awkward and unintended. I feel like I have a part that does this - that when I can do something or when I'm being watched, I will sabotage it almost. Thoughts about humiliation and my family have been been surfacing here and there over the past week too and maybe it's all related but haven't found a "connection" inside.

Reading about Dzogchen teachings on problems last night and it says that in life you will never not have problems but it's how you see them that becomes important  and the awareness behind those problems:

"when a  thought feeling or sensation arises it is left as it is. It does not cause attraction. And if there is a reaction, it is not further engaged"

How much is being engaged with the responses to trauma that is not happening anymore, that is a reaction (an old thought) to what is happening now or trying to do what I think is expected of me...and if it is possible to not do that - to not have a reaction - what would that even look like? Who would I be then, but maybe that's not the point.

Rambling now time to listen to the storms and think about going to the gym.

[Larry]

Hi Dolly,  sounds like you are learning a lot from reading and meditation.  something i would like to try.  I hope you have a great day !

[rainydiary]

Dolly, thank you for sharing about your learnings.  I appreciate all that you are noticing and look forward to hearing what else you notice.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Larry - it's been very helpful at different times in my life. Right now I'm doing some Tibetan Bon and Dzogchen meditation after doing some research about some things that my parts showed me in an IFS that I didn't understand. It's like a reset, I can go back to ground zero no matter what is happening or has happened.

Thanks Rainy - I appreciate you saying that. Sometimes it feels like I'm rambling on  about these abstract ideas and no one is really interested. I think though that I'm projecting from things growing up and it's helpful to say that and be seen 

Work was awful yesterday. I feel like my shoulders and upper body are one giant knot and I am hunched over. I don't even want to write about it yet and think I need to unpack it. Yet I also worked with some very nice and understanding creative ppl for the first time. Am I being to hard on myself to wonder why I'm getting mired in the bad and can't see the possibilities of connecting with people who might be open.