dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Had a good talk with T today and addressed how I was feeling when she brought up my grandmother's behaviour. She also had some things to say when I talked about dating and have realized that maybe I'm feeling really defensive because I already blame myself and am hard enough on myself for these things. I think it it also has to do with my family being critical of me for my mistakes, telling me it's not that bad, why am I like this, or just pretending it's not happening. That's narcissistic gaslighting for you. 

I'm beginning to understand how I've had to really compartmentalise these things just to get by. Not only get by, but succeed as I had a ton of pressure on me from my family too.

Feeling v. foggy the past couple days. Feeling really sensitive around ppl. Just feeling like I'm in a funk, and noticing that I want to do things, but then can't make up my mind, so do nothing. Like I want to exercise and go for a walk. So, I get dressed to go for a walk then decide maybe its better to exercise at home first and then do nothing because it doesn't "feel" right  This is a familiar feeling and wonder if it is because of differing ego states, or indecision as a result of narc a., or maybe both.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Snowdrop...it's a bit of a strange one. I've tried to look up more info on how generational legacies/burdens manifest in terms of parts if that makes sense, but couldn't find much. It's like I can feel that maybe these things are "outside myself" but am curious how that looks on the "inner" parts map. How much of outside things do we mistake as our own? 

[Snowdrop]

I know that what helped me was to ask the part things like "is this energy/burden all yours?", or "how much of this energy is yours?". That helped me to establish whether it was a "normal" burden, or a legacy burden.

You mentioned feeling foggy. Could it possibly be a firefighter part? Just a thought.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Snowdrop  those are good points. Fogginess due to firefighting is possible...I feel like I've been eating without thinking the past couple days as well which is usually another firefighting behaviour for me.

I spent some time internetting and came across a book called Innovations and Elaborations in IFS which has a chapter on legacy burdens. I've answered yes to all the questions in the first table  I guess I'm working out how to connect the free floating anxiety I feel to parts and how to discern if this is a legacy burden or a hypervigilant part. I'll try asking how much belongs to me. It's interesting that a lot of the questions related to the inner critic stuff I've been looking at like wanting to be small and not wanting to shine (or it being safe to do so). 

Also found a meditation on legacy burdens which was really powerful and kind of took me right to the part that was carrying a lot of stuff. I don't know if it's helpful or a hinderence that it jumped out like that but tried to go back and get permission from the protectors to talk to the part.

IFS - https://internalfamilysystems.pt/multimedia/webinars/meditation-legacies-osnat-arbel

Two ideas came up when she talked about legacy burdens. One was that nothing is safe* and the other was that you can't trust men. I stayed with the one about nothing being safe and the image of a little girl who had to take all this on came up (perhaps she is the one from the inner critic IFS?). There were a lot of tears when I connected to her and saw that she wanted to protect my family and make it so that nothing would hurt them. There were worries/concerns that came up about letting this stuff go and if i/she would be safe; that she had to take this on to be safe. When Orsan (the one giving the meditation) talked about what would be left, what is the heirloom, I got a sense of love. I saw the parts after and  another protective part that showed up, which was kind of like the inner critic part and was hypervigilant and wanted to raze everything to the ground. I felt like I could hold these parts there with some Self energy. However, when she said to put the part somewhere safe and that you would come back to it, I wasn't really sure where it wanted to go and had multiple options. Perhaps this is dissociation with differing ego states  I will go back to it, but I wonder too, if it's not another protective part involved that doesn't want to let it go and that I haven't fully unblended from taking it on.

*it's tricky because a lot of the "it's not safe" relates to hypervigilant CPTSD parts as well I think, but I also feel like I've become more aware of my grandmother's "disaster thinking" in the past few weeks. Both of my grandparents on my mom's side were small children during WWII and I think this has shaped a lot of their thinking, perhaps without realizing it. My gm is a hoarder and will never throw something out in case she needs it. It was really frustrating for me to grow up in that house as a teenager and literally felt like I was carrying around things I didn't need, or being asked to take on things that I didn't need. I feel like constantly being told things aren't going to work out/the world doesn't work that way also triggered my hypervigilance/insecurity/CPTSD that was there because of other events (w/ mom etc and dad's suicide).

In my scrolling, I came across an interview with MIchi Rose, who helped develop some IFS techniques, and thought it was interesting that she talks about the "void," which can either be an existential/angsty void or a healing void. It makes "the Black" I saw a little more understandable and wonder if these are the same. Although, I see it as a creative centre from where anything can manifest but kind of gave me an ah ha moment that even if I don't understand everything happening right away in an IFS it doesn't mean it's not valid. I guess a part of me just finds it unsettling (and alone) when I can't figure things out. I'm guessing one that doesn't feel safe relying  on emotions and experiential senses.

[dollyvee]

Feeling today that the IFS yesterday was bigger than I realized. I feel like it gives me a part of myself back that I had (as a teenager?) but gave up because I didn't know how to manage the self-doubt about "unblending" from my family. That there was a huge guilt about going off and leaving them behind, no matter what happened to me growing up. It shows me though, that I had good intentions for doing what I did but I guess that was also survival, which feels selfish.

Also, realizing that there was a lot of shaming in my family and my mom took a lot of that for rebelling I think. I was always told that you need to study etc because look at what your mom did, she wasted her potential. What a mind game being told to do better than the person I wanted to protect and be loved by who disowned me for abandoning her. And on top of that, these things that I actually needed to do (get a degree/good job) were necessary for my survival because no one was going to be there to help me. It was a no win situation.

Trying to go out for my walks and air this stuff. I have a favourite tree that I like to stop by. It grew tiny apples last year that no one seemed to find but me.

[Not Alone]

Feeling today that the IFS yesterday was bigger than I realized. I feel like it gives me a part of myself back that I had (as a teenager).........





Trying to go out for my walks and air this stuff. I have a favourite tree that I like to stop by. It grew tiny apples last year that no one seemed to find but me.

Both of these....beautiful.

[dollyvee]

Thanks notalone  it's a special little tree

Kind of a gross week at work, going through the same difficult behaviours with a different group of people (I'm freelance, so environments are constantly changing). Someone who I've never met before, and had never talked to in my life, kept doing things deliberately to make my job more difficult, even after I asked them politely if they could please let me know when they're going to be changing something that's going to affect me (most ppl who do their job would normally do it). Brought it up with the organizers of the job and their response was, oh he's normally really good, and then did not address it further. There's a reason why bullying is rampant in this industry. So, am alone with how to handle it. Makes me feel like it is antagonizing this part of me that has had to deal with these things before. I don't want to be angry, just trying to deal with it professionally and frustrating when that's not recognized.

Was speaking with T this weekend and frustrated that while I was talking I could see her checking her phone a few times. Feeling really vulnerable this week after the IFS and week at work and last session with T, and it really made me feel like withdrawing more. That she's being like the ppl in my life who aren't listening to the stuff I have to go through and left me thinking that maybe I need to find a new therapist. Our big thing last week was that I had to stand my ground and explain why I don't think that being "friends" with someone before dating them is necessarily the answer; that even if I was friends with someone there is always the hypervigilant part inside that will panic about things. I know she's not an IFS therapist and some of the things I'm experiencing, I feel like I have to explain and defend like legacy burdens. I did really feel myself pushing her away because I felt like I was too vulnerable after saying the previous session was good, which I don't think she realized (??). It's that same thing where I can't be close/exposed to ppl and I can't turn it off. I guess I'm going to have to address this which feels not great.

Had some realizations at work related to the IFS last week and how I take on other ppls' stuff but need to look at it a bit deeper. Really feeling this week that I don't want to let anyone near me. Hard staying still even having casual chat at work.

[dollyvee]

Had another "off" experience this morning waking up. Just after I wake up is usually a time when things kind of "make sense" and it's easy to get clarity on things that have been happening. Today when I woke up, I felt a really strong pressure in my chest. I put my hand on my heart (as a way to connect with Self energy) and felt the pressure in my heart relax. While I was trying to unpack what that pressure was, I fell asleep again and had a dream that I was at work and there was a colleague who was antagonising me. This someone from 7 years ago - maybe this was the start of things/being bullied? I remember having a really strong reaction to it at the time. Afterwards, I went outside in the dark and a man was sitting there, toothless. He had a bone/sledgehammer in his hand and was talking about how he was going to kill me/get me. This is really standing out.

The other morning when I was waking up, I had a funny feeling that I didn't really recognize/thought was odd. When I checked in to see what part it was, I got the image of a strange brown rectangle of semi-solid goo with tiny arms.

Trying to make sense of my "inner cosmology" and wonder if perhaps these are my parts or unattached critters as wild as that sounds. Trying to discern what "belongs" to me and what are my parts. Pretty tricky for me who always took on other peoples' stuff to feel validated. 

Have noticed though, over the past few months, that overall my sleep as been better through the night. No more waking up three hours after falling asleep  and not being able to go back to bed. That's pretty amazing.

[dollyvee]

Had another awful dream last night - that I was part of this large family and was in danger (?), so I had to kill them. I went around killing ppl but couldn't escape this family. The bizarre thing was that it seemed they knew and that I was being watched by law enforcement but was allowed to continue. I guess this could be a metaphor for how I feel in my family - that I need to escape but can't and ppl think I need to be with them. Bad dreams always stay with me the next day. Had a nice day though yesterday, chatting with a friend from the gym and had a relaxing walk. So, strange where it's coming from.

Was reading an article on the Integration of Spiritual Experiences by Derek Scott today and something clicked when he wrote that we would not be able to thrive if we lived in a state of unworthiness and fear. I understand how I can sort of blank things out that don't conform to a positive view because the negative stuff was too bad to feel. I guess this is how/why the dissociation happens which could be really good to know.

He also mentioned that by just being with your parts, checking in and letting them know you're there, the more Self qualities you can bring to your system. I usually feel a block when thinking about Self energy but this made it seem that there are small, tangible things I can do and it doesn't seem so far away.

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you've had some bad dreams, Dollyvee. They sound quite threatening and scary.

I don't know if this is relevant, but I tend to get more vivid dreams when I do IFS stuff. Sometimes it can feel a bit like parts coming through or trying to share things with me while I'm asleep.

It sounds as though you've had some good insights with things.

[dollyvee]

Thank you for checking in Snowdrop  I think the IFS on the generational legacy was quite a big one and wouldn't be surprised if it had lingering affects. Maybe I'm not connected but usually even if they are bad dreams, I can feel where it might be relevant in my life or just file it away under dream stuff. These things are all lingering though and really feels like a heaviness in the mind.

**possible TW**

I remember a friend telling me years ago that she went to someone for a clearing because they saw she had an "unattached burden." She used to have reoccurring dreams of this man chasing her with an ax. After she saw this woman, that reoccurring dream stopped. At the time, I thought "huh" but the memory has surfaced now.

**end poss TW**

I'm getting the impression with IFS rn that I'm sorting out what's "my stuff." After the generational IFS I did where the little girl took on a burden so that she could protect her family, I noticed this coming up at work and how I interact with other ppl.

One of my colleagues was under stress and had to set up everything herself in the morning because another member of the team was late. I stepped in and offered help in a very open way, trying to show my earnestness, even though I had worked with that person in the past and found them to be "tricky" (ie not really responsive to openness and wouldn't likely offer that kind of assistance in return). So, afterwards when their behaviour turned curt, sort of bossy, I noticed it but found that I couldn't respond in a similar curt way.

I guess I was thinking, ideally, that there would be a yeah we'll work through this together, which instead turned competitive. I think I saw that there was something else going on underneath the surface, that there was kind of a "pain" to them, and I felt empathy for that even though it left me vulnerable. I think this happens a lot and then I'm kind of left exposed and get upset at how ppl can be cruel to each other. There's that part of me that's willing to take on the pain even though it doesn't belong to me (otherwise I would get angry?)

_______________________________________________________________________________

Going through old journals trying to find a dream and have found a blurb copied from the Phillipa Perry book:

"A child's own instincts will tell them when we're not in tune with them, or with what's happening, and if we are (...?) we will dull their instincts. "

"For example, if we pretend we are never wrong, the result can be a child who overadapts - not only to what you say but to what everyone says. Then they may become more vulnerable to ppl who do not have their best interests at heart"

"Instinct is a major component in confidence, competence, and intelligence."

These really stuck with me - that even as children we know what is right, even if we are told we have to accept another reality. I guess deep down it gives me faith that I do know what is my stuff and other ppls, and makes me feel better about having confrontations with T when I don't feel like I'm being heard. That my instincts about my inner world are probably right for me and I don't have to give them up for my family. I guess the hard part (for me) is following those instincts when they don't align with family/accepted norms.

[dollyvee]

Went to make noodles (my favorite) and it came to me that the dream had something to do with a guy that texted me about some investments we were talking about a month earlier at work. I guess I am romantically interested in him and thought he maybe he was interested in me too because of the vibes at work. I Maybe it's just stress about dating/getting close to ppl  and having my inner critic coming out 

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Sending you a hug,   
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope 

Started journaling today about my murder dream (it sounds so horrible) and the guy from work. I'm really surprised that this is where it's come from but I can see the connection, that I don't feel free in the situation. I guess because it/he are related to stressful things at work. (We worked together once in the past six years ago and my impression of him was that he was supportive). I don't always think that colleagues contacting me is romantic but there were vibes at work. Maybe it's just really present in my mind because I had been thinking about getting in touch with him too.

Anyway, I think the issue is that I have to know where ppl are coming from and what their intentions are to feel safe. I think this is the same stuff that I had on my date (the dissociation) surfacing in a different way. That I can't just put myself out there.I discovered that it also feels like it's that same part who *gives everything* to ppl (to make them feel good/ safe?); or that I have to give up myself in order to have a relationship (I think this is anything friendship etc)  and feel safe? These seem like very disperate thoughts but I think the connection to that part who gives up things in order to feel safe/make others feel safe is important.

Want to do an IFS and connect to this part - connect to all my parts - but I still feel a procrastination and even stuck that I can't do this. I tried connecting to this feeling and I think it felt like charged anger??? I feel like I don't want to go back into that cave with the inner critic.

I've signed up for a four day course on Unattached Burdens and Guides that's given by Robert Falconer. I feel like a crazy person for thinking that this might be one of the impediments to my IFS progress right now (ie it doesn't have anything to do with me, esp coming from a narc family) and I feel like this would be a good way to get more info on the subject. If anyone is interested: https://robertfalconer.us/events/

[dollyvee]

Trying to book an appointment with an IFS practitioner for a couple sessions who is a little more on the open minded side. I think it would be a good idea to get a second opinion about what is going on besides my own and my T who is great, but not versed in IFS.

***Just putting all this down here as it's cathartic to get it out, even if it doesn't make sense right now***

This all feels very existential and out there but that's what's coming up for me. Have been feeling bad about not going out, just focusing on sorting out my feelings and came to terms that it's kind of a meditative state. I'm doing a lot of work even if it's maybe not socially acceptable.

The stuff around the m. dream and feeling like I have to cut ties with ppl who get close to me is really familiar. It's kind of a big wow, I didn't realize I felt it that deeply or that it was such a feeling of annihilation to just be around ppl.

Had another dream after waking up. Was a woman in it who I thought was Chaka Khan - I was kind of in awe. When she came closer, she looked very tired and was bald on top. Got the impression that it causes me anxiety that I don't know what ppl's intentions are with me. That I could believe the illusion (she's a celebrity/Chaka Khan/only does good) and meanwhile she's not (and has ill will towards me). She was sitting with me outside later and we were having a good conversation and I realized I couldn't connect to the network. My boss sent me a new password but couldn't get on. This stands out as problems to connecting to something, but not sure what.

It makes me wonder if this anxiety is about connecting to something inside (an inner state like Swedenborg did for ex) which is maybe outside our normal reality. This seems out there but if it's fear of connecting to a part (or fear driving the part), why can't I seem to unblend from it? That this anxiety/freak out is behind everything? It would then mean an exile is in the SOC  My other best guess rn is that maybe it's connected to the part that wants/agreed to take on stuff for my family and maybe feels like I would be hurting them if I let go of it (??). So everything is a panic.