dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Had another negative dream last night. This man who looked like Charles Bronson was with my mom and very aggressive towards me. I think I woke up and in half sleep I thought about how harsh my mom could be towards me.  I guess in some ways this was the fear of the the little girl that had to experience the way my mom treated me.

When speaking with T yesterday I talked about the part of me that sometimes has a difficult time connecting to or trusting parts of me. I'm not 100% sure what this part is. It came up afterwards how I doubted myself after my mom started treating me after I decided to move out when I was eight, telling me that I abandoned her. I think I'm just beginning to feel the connections on a deeper, emotional level and maybe this is coming up in my dreams but don't know.

[Not Alone]

It came up afterwards how I doubted myself after my mom started treating me after I decided to move out when I was eight, telling me that I abandoned her.

The mom in me is saying, "What?!" Eight year olds don't abandon their mothers. Moms are supposed to parent the 8 year old. If she leaves, the mom should be taking a long, hard look at herself and the home situation. She should be saying, "Why isn't it safe? Why am I not safe? What does my child need? What changes/help do I need?" I understand that you took what she put on you, that you abandoned her. But that is all on her.

[dollyvee]

Bought some palo santo incense the other day and lit some before bed last night. It brought a good feeling and woke up this morningcalm and rested.
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Thanks notalone - yr a good mom 

The bold letters are a good source of strength/reminder because there is a lot of "soft abuse"/gaslighting (I don't really know what to call it) that comes along with my mom's behaviour. I feel how overwhelming and levelling this was/is on the inside (I call it the flame-throwing, the feeling inside that just wants to destroy everything). The feeling that never had an outlet because I was told that that's just the way my mom is; that I have to forgive her because she's family and that's important. So, my grandmother would say that she has my back and will protect me, do anything for me, that I'm her precious angel, and then just "allow" (not use the bold type face, saying it's all on her) my mom to behave like that.

I saw ppl saying bad things about my mom as a teenager, being so angry at how she was with me, some of the things she was doing, but it was like I was numb to what they were saying. Maybe because of my GM and thinking that I did have to take this all on, or maybe because I just wanted a "mom." There was the part that wanted her v. much to be a part of my life. I remember how upset I got when all the parents were going to be at a friend's house before my graduation to send us off and she never showed up. She said she got lost and couldn't find the address but never called to work it out.

After I put myself through art school (working an awful job on the weekends because my grandfather was upset that I left university and wasn't going to help me out (what was I doing with MY life???!!!), I told my grandmother that I wanted her and my step grandfather at the grad ceremony because they had been there for me and supported me. My grandmother went behind my back and instead invited my mother. Then said, "oh your sGF couldn't make it, so I asked your mom." Then anytime I get upset with my grandmother (like this), it's why are you so angry at me and she goes into victim mode. This whole dynamic spun me in circles for a long time and is why I get defensive when I talk about my GM with ppl and they are not looking behind her actions like me because I'm the one who has to take it on. It's frustrating that so much of this looks like a "normal" family from the outside.


TW______________________________________________

I understand the aggressiveness behind the Charles Bronson character in my dream (he's an interesting choice tho) a little better. I remember when I was trying to sleep (7ish) and my mom came in to ask me a question. When I didn't tell her, that I was trying to sleep, I could hear her saying the little witch won't tell me to my step father. Or the time she hit me because my eyes were smiling or pinned me to the ground as a teenager saying you're not stronger than me yet when I wanted to wear an old sweater of hers that she never wore. I'm sure there are more that I've buried. Am noticing that with her and my step-father it was was like they could both be negative to me. It did feel like teaming up on me. So, am recognizing my mom  a bit more in this aggressiveness and how hard that must've been for me to handle at that age, and how it got worse because this was minimized,

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I don't know how this relates to my inner critic. I feel like at the time I knew that my mom and step father's behaviour was wrong and made the choice to live with my dad. Is this fame thrower/Charles Bronson the result of being forced to accept my mother (and a different reality from my own)? I think this aggressiveness relates to some parts perhaps in IFS - the one that was just really angry and had to put in a Chernobyl type bunker and my mom part in the cave who wouldn't leave me alone. It hard to see these as parts of me because I feel like I didn't want to accept the chaos (knew better than to accept it) but had to; that as my other T said, my heart isn't broken and is working fine. Maybe I'm struggling to accept that the reality was chaos because I don't want to let that into my life? I'm just trying to make sense of what my parts are saying.

*all these questions are rhetorical and just what I ask myself to sort  through all this 

[dollyvee]

Had a meeting with the other therapist and it's too bad it didn't work out because my schedule needed something more flexible. I woke up the night before the appointment at 2am which I hadn't done in a while. So think some part was anxious. More insight into this part would be great.

Meeting with T went well this past weekend and feel a little more relaxed about where we're at. I think she was just distracted and checking her phone and had something on her mind but didn't have anything to do with "me." I didn't being it up with her.

There's another seminar on legacy burdens with the therapist who did the legacy burden meditiation I did the other week. I think it looks really good.

Potential new temporary T suggested I look at Robert Falconer and said it was good that I'm going to do the unattached burden workshop. I read a transcript of a podcast he did yesterday about sexual abuse and some things came up. Some years ago my grandmother mentioned that my mom called her drunk and started saying "why did she let him (a neighbour at the time?) touch her/do that to her." I remember my gm being sort of dismissive - like what was she going on about. Given my mom's erratic behaviour sometimes (and probably because I harboured resentment over her treatment of me, or knowing she would be dismissive of me?) I didn't really pursue it but thought that's not good. I think I had a notion that my grandmother and her would talk about it, that it was private. I don't know.

It made me think last night about my mom's behaviour and her self-loathing (this could be generational too). It would explain a lot if something did happen to her as a child and she never dealt with it. It makes me really upset to think she might have had to face something like that. It doesn't excuse her behaviour to me but it does make the part of her doing those things easier to understand. It would be great to ask my grandmother about this - to have an answer or idea about if it's reality or not - but have to accept that I probably won't get those answers.

Also, had kind of a breakthrough in thinking about my gm last night and was better able to see it from a distance. Maybe it was down to the fact he sounds like a narrator in a movie  but listening to these videos was really good at actually classifying my gm's behaviour as narcissism and understanding why I was so confused for my 20's. Saying things which are slightly critical and meant to put you down while telling you they know better/best (delusional thinking) and are really doing it because they love you/are looking out for your best interests is our relationship to a tee. Also, the part about how they're not going to listen to anyone and just do their own thing is 100% her. However, I think she goes into victim mode when I try to separate myself which is perhaps more covert narcissism in that it makes me feel like I'm responsible for her feelings. Wow 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-nq1Nzn1xs

[dollyvee]

Had a very "big" session with my T last Saturday. I was explaining to her remembering the phone call and the possible SA my mother went through and there was a flood of tears and release, which I can still feel in my shoulders and upper body. We did some tapping to and when she asked me what I saw, I thinking that how my family would say why was I getting upset over something that I didn't even know was true; I must've been making it up. Or that they would make fun of me for feeling all this. Everything felt raw and my thinking was all over the place. I guess this is the trauma brain. I'm trying to make sense of how to work through these things and then have to go to work and still be looked at as competent and someone who "has it all together." I guess this is what I've been doing my whole life.

Reading The Energetic Dimension by Ann M. Drake and it fit with what is happening right now. I do feel like there is something "inside" me that is not my own. According to her, people in situations of abuse take on some of their perpetrators energy and, at times, the perpetrator can take their energy with them which must be retrieved. I wonder to what extent this is happening with me and how it relates to my parts and how they function. If it's showing up as the inner critic and if there is a "physical" part; that this is where my anxiety and procrastination is coming from.

Woke up in the middle of the night again and tried to unblend and see where/what was activated. I saw the feeling of wanting to go back to my grandmother, that that would make everything better. When I tried to unblend from this, I saw a small red, jelly baby like figure that gave off a feeling of anger. I will try to do an IFS on this part when work settles.

[dollyvee]

Attended the 2nd day of the seminar on Legacy Burdens yesterday. A lot of information and unexpectedly (to me) participated in some dyad IFS sessions with other attendees which was very moving. It was quite powerful to participate in helping one go through their own unburdening process. On the other hand, I sort of tuned out watching the demonstration unburdening. I think a part v. much like my grandfather was activated and started questioning the truth of what was being said; that they were skirting some issue or maybe failing to look at an unpleasant truth. Writing this am realizing maybe why memories attached to him may have popped up in my (attempted) unburdening.

It was interesting that in my partner's unburdening, I could feel the energy at times. The pleasant energy when she sat with her child part and at one time a pressure in my chest. Tbh it does scare the crap out of me that I feel like I have trouble discerning what energy was hers and what was mine. I think it's because I associate the pressure in my chest with me doing something wrong.

IFS

Trying to come up with a phrase that signified a legacy burden we were carrying and all I could feel was an energy of my grandmother and this adamant feeling. I think I just tried to go with this feeling and not try to fit it into a phrase. I think it took me back to the cave, or I was again looking at the exile from the cave, and could see her more closely. She had a tv screen for a face, with white, static snow. It was a "blank" expression, no reception. I do sometimes feel this way, or have felt this way when trying to describe things - that nothing comes out when asked about me. My partner suggested that maybe it's another protector and that anxiety can also be a protector. It also makes sense that sometimes I can't connect to parts and see what is going on - just this noise.

In the next dyad, I started back here with this exile/protector and felt an angry pressure in my neck and right shoulder. When she asked what is making it angry, it sort of stopped and felt like an animal that heard a sound and cocked it's head. I had an image of a dragon (and puff the magic dragon). Then things sort of got complicated. The dragon became the vindictive/malicious person I saw in my other IFS, the one I felt was like my mom and it linked to my grandmother and I could see the dynamic playing out of a wailing princess. It's really hard for me though to understand what I feel towards this part. I feel like I'm willing to look at it openly, but at the same time there is a feeling of wanting to protect myself and that it can't be a part of me. IT's such a strong response, like on the inside, I am just squishing my eyes shut so I can't see what's happening because there is an intense pressure in the back of my head that I feel. It's like I have to fight it off. Over the years, I think I have got used to this.

So, then my thinking part steps in I think, and tries to rationalize that maybe this is a shadow part of me that I don't want to see. My partner had me take some deep breaths and focus on my breathing to stay calm and some lovely images of mushrooms and little flowers popped up and I was smiling. At the same time, the other part was still there and I could feel myself holding back or knowing that I would have to deal with that part and it was like this good versus evil cartoon. Every time we tried to focus on that part it was just stress and the wincing feeling. I really don't want to force it. I think I will need to ask what parts are present next time. It just feels like everything goes into high stress, high alert.

Eventually, I did start getting an image of some colours and saw a bright blue and aquamarine. I felt it around my mouth. An image of a strawberry popped into my head and I thought about how I couldn't pronounce the word properly as a toddler and my grandfather loved to tell the story of how I would say straw bee berry instead of strawberry, I started to cry and it came up how close my mom was to my grandfather and how devastated she was when he died and how harsh I think he was on her at times when she was a teenager. Writing this now, I am remembering how he would call me a dummkopf or make fun if we didn't know something. In a teasing way, but he always had to be right and was very set in his ways. We (I) had to be "careful" because he would cut us off if we did something he deemed "foolish." My grandfather and I did have a good relationship but I was the one who stood up to him and went my own way eventually. I think this is the rebellious part acting towards my legacy burden. My thinking part is interjecting that maybe this behaviour had something to do with the scapegoating dynamic between my mom and I?

Lots to unpack again. If anyone is interested, I can put up my notes from the last day.

[dollyvee]

Watched the Allen vs Farrow documentary. A lot of things stuck with me. The manipulativeness and subtlety, understanding the confusion of "this was someone I loved" and how to hold those two things together and what doing that puts you through.

What really stood out rn was her family's reactions to her. Her brother who "fought injustice" telling her to shut up because he didn't want to face it. No one talking about it, and seeing her feeling like she was the cause and having to carry everything inside. That she was on her own in so many ways (in a family/mother that supported her too!), especially with the authorities who lost notes or mishandled the case. I have a lot of respect for the ppl who walked away from their jobs or fought to be rehired after wrongly dismissed after seeing what was really going on.

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Processing the legacy burdens workshop and on pause a bit because am working. Really feeling this energy of being the scapegoat or teased/made fun of. Can see it come up at work around ppl, that they think I don't know how to do something and it's almost like I do involuntary go into the role of playing the clown; like it just happens that I will put up something in a completely awkward way when I am doing it in front of ppl. But the reality (interesting choice of words) is that I actually do know what I'm doing and can do it fine when not under pressure, or no one's looking.

I can see where this would be like the Sally part, where it felt all the judgements and attitudes from men ("oh she's just a dumb blonde" kind of thing). Perhaps this is also a part of a legacy burden and wonder if it is attached to the grandfather feeling in my IFS or something else. In my mind, it's just good memories and always attributed the nervousness around ppl and the awkwardness that comes out to my stepfather and his bullying but am thinking now that women do marry their fathers. So, maybe there is something in there that I need to look at besides the good memories.
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Feeling like I have to apologize to ppl for "putting up with me rn;" that am saying too much or saying the wrong things at work. Am being too honest, but a part needs to be honest, to fight against injustice

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I was reading what you wrote about the documentary - it sounds interesting.  Your legacy burdens workshop also sounds like it was useful, and I wanted to cheer you on in supporting your parts, and acknowledging that part of you that needs to be honest and fight against injustice.  That's a road that is sometimes rarely striven upon. 
Hope 

[owl25]

Hi dollyvee, it's been a while since I've been here and I just caught up a little on your journal. Your workshop sounds fascinating, how did you come across it?

Sounds like things feel difficult right now. I hope some of this gets a little easier.

[Bach]

 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Hope  it's good to remember that I am supporting  them by doing this, which I sometimes lose sight of when what they're showing me doesn't make sense right away.

Thanks Owl - welcome back  I think my parts are just showing me a lot of different things that I'm starting to process. I registered for the Bob Falconer workshop via his website and Life Architect. They sent me an email saying they were offering a legacy burdens workshop as well and had already been doing some reading about it. The Unattached Burdens workshop starts on April 17th:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14181.msg109659#msg109659

Thanks Bach 
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Feel kind of tuned out after working so much the past week. I guess I haven't been checking in with my parts. Tried to unblend and felt like couldn't unblend from something.I think maybe it's just a lot for me to be around other ppl all the time right now. That I need to find space to centre myself. My grandmother went into the hospital and has pnuemonia but is doing ok and they will release her next week. Will write more later but am feeling exhausted.

[dollyvee]

After some quiet time yesterday, noticed that some things have been happening in the past week which upset me/affected me. Was working at a specific site that had very "particular" rules. Was told that I wasn't allowed to sit in an aisle as it was a fire hazard by the location supervisor. However, by the end of the day/job anyone was sitting in the aisle with lots of equipment there under her watch. I feel like she did not like me and there was nothing to do about it.

Had a similar experience driving the other day where a man cut me off twice and then put his brakes on in the fast lane instead of moving over so I wouldn't pass him. I wasn't tailgating etc. So, people say not to take other's reactions personally which is hard for me to do in these situations and they bring up feelings of needing to protect myself. These incidences happen regularly enough, and usually when I am feeling good about myself. It's hard to talk about (I'm not 100% sure why) but I guess something in my person challenges their fundamental view of the world. It brings up the idea of "don't shine too brightly" and puts me back in the place of feeling like I have to deal with an unpredictable mother.

Also, struggle with the idea of people can only do things to you if you let them. What is my reaction to be in this case? When the concept of fighting back (against my mom) was met with powerlessness? I guess I can realize that I am not that age anymore, but maybe there is a part that is still there.

[dollyvee]

Called my grandmother and grandfather and spoke to her in the hospital. This could be part of the thing that's bothering me as well. Before when I spoke to my grandfather after she had gone in, he was saying how he doesn't know if he'll be able to take care of her and she may need to go into a home. I looked at covering the costs of getting a private nurse to help a few times a week.

When I spoke to both of them (while he was there visiting) and suggested that that might be an option. My grandmother was like thank you, that's very nice but we don't need that, and he was like yes, we'll keep it in mind. I don't know what is this idea of never needing any help? That she can get by fine without us when she can't even walk? It's like keeping up appearances.

I'm trying to find the balance between the me that would've tried to swoop in and take care of everything to make her feel better, and being involved to a certain extent because I do care, but also having boundaries. When there is no one else to help really, that my brother doesn't call them, but I also wonder if they've ever asked him to do something? I guess there is a part of me that does feel good for being needed like this. I do wonder if it's a healthy part.
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My grandmother was hospitalized after I had the realizations about her and my mom. Part of me wonders if they're related.

[dollyvee]

Discussed my GM with T this week and was good to get out how frustrated I feel by the dynamic. How her response was "Your GF is trying to get rid of me" instead of hearing that he is having a difficult time, and being frustrated that, by responding like that, we can't work out together how to manage what is happening. My T said that maybe I feel upset that it is because she is not being there for me ( can't remember exact wording) but see it as more of a survival response; that I need the family to survive in order to be taken care of. Something I felt growing up.

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Went back to do the other part of the Legacy Burden workshop and during the meditation, I got the impression of wisdom from my grandfather; that there's a lot of knowledge in what he passed down. IRL though, I feel like I've had to block out a lot of what he said and that there were very rigid parameters sometimes for our behaviour. Like you have to be on time because it shows you care, not just saying it once and letting us absorb it, but essentially telling me (us?) that we don't care about it/him by doing these things. I guess it could be very one sided and he was the one that was always right. A lot of the times he was, but still. It was like having no freedom. If you deviated from what he said, you were "out;" cut out of the will for me or he would complain to no end about what you were doing. I guess in his own way, he was passing on his way of caring giving everything he lived through (WWII, Russian occupation, moving to a new country). There's a lot to unpack.

I noticed that I could feel more relaxed during the meditation - that I felt fear but could also kind of be with it and it would subside. However, I did notice though, that my firefighters might have been at work. I had some chickpeas in the oven, then "had" to get up to check on them which turned into, I'm quite peckish...I should make these noodles, and so on. It made me uncomfortable to be with these ideas and feelings. I guess because a part of me is dealing with going "against" my grandfather and what that meant for my survival.

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Poss TW

Super discombobulating week at work but one that also turned good in the end. Tho still in some sort of heightened anxiety/EF. I had an incident with an HOD last year where they threatened that I "would feel the back of their hand." They gave a half hearted apology which was essentially just telling me everything that I did wrong to provoke them into acting that way. I left the job that day and went to the overseeing body for the sector who told me that really the only thing I could do was take anti-bullying training. Anyways, I became aware that they were going to be working with me this week and went to my boss who said not to worry, he would have a word with him and he wouldn't be a problem. I'm grateful to my boss and team who said they would have my back, but at the same time I don't feel protected; that I've never felt protected by anyone (?); that there is a part of me at the end of the day who is poised and ready to fight because that's what I had to do growing up - that I was disappointed by all the adults around me. But how do I explain this to my boss or the ppl around me who said they would help 

So, to me, the guy is the type to not let things go. While having my lunch in the car, he was walking up and down and needing to go into his car (which happened to be in front of mine) several times. I decided to tell the organizer and he said that the guy got so mad at another person the day before that they spilled hot water all over themselves and had to get burn cream. He listened to me and was supportive, but I still felt all this anxiety about telling him (maybe because it was a guy and when I tell guys about things like this they usually stick up for their "own"). Also, another collegue happened to call me the next day and I casually mentioned I had to work with a difficult person from X department who threatened to hit me and right away she said "please tell me it's X." She knew who it was right away and told me how abusive he was towards her and other people on her job. It is a relief to not have to keep all of this inside really and not feel like the problem is me.

Poss TW end
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Like Hope, I'm spending a lot of my free time reading right now. I don't know if it's 100% a distraction but am coming back to some things which give me a feeling of lightness, and were things I was interested in a long time ago but seem to have taken on new meaning. I think I would like to find a way to keep them in my life but want to find a way that they best fit with me.

The Supreme Siddhi of Mahamudra
The Tibetan Yogas of Dream and Sleep
Meeting the Shadow - The Hidden Power of Meeting the Dark Side of Human Nature
Finishing the other Ann M Drake book - Healing of the Soul: Shamanism & the Psyche

[dollyvee]

Have read some of your posts and would like to respond to the journals, but feel like I just need to get this down first and take a little time.

I guess the universe is bringing it all together the past couple weeks, or the subconscious issues that maybe pull things to me to be worked out are trying to get through. I had another intense experience at work this week. Was really comforted after last week and the response of my team, and later another collegue saying that she also had a big issue with this person (I just mentioned the person's job description and they guessed who it was; apparently he has a reputation for being aggressive), but had to work with another "personality." I've had three big issues in my eight years doing this job and now back to back weeks working with two of the three individuals involved.

Before Christmas, a guy at work made an exceptionally rude comment and I spoke with the company about it. He was on the job this week and I felt a vibe day one. The next morning, after I came back from getting a coffee, I noticed a scratch in my door. It didn't seem right, and had the idea to get cctv footage from the building. They had a camera pointed at my car, and in the time that I was away, he could be seen walking around my car and, in the slowed down footage, you can see something sharp in his hand. Spoke with the comapny handling the job who said it was unacceptable, something had to be done, then spoke with him and left me alone with him after they "spoke" to him. Luckily, my team was there. He came at me and said he didn't say that and I was accusing him of all this stuff, wrecking his relationship with a company and someone he works with. I just had to stand up and say that I wasn't going to explain myself and to speak with the company as they had all the information.

I'm realizing as I'm writing this that going into detail is one way I have of proving myself right (protecting myself), that this is something I've had to do in the past to protect myself against behaviour like this; trying to defend against thinking it must have been me - what did I do to deserve this. I had my appointment with T the day after it happened and think I was/am in shock. That I was watching what I was saying, being hard on myself for saying "you know" because my grandfather told me it was annoying when I said it so much. I guess I was projecting that reaction onto her and trying to protect myself.

I feel like I'm doing well rn, have been building supportive relationships at work, feel like I'm making headway connecting to myself and things that matter and then stuff like this comes up. I guess maybe this is old energy and thinking that needs to be worked through, in terms of how I think about myself when things like this happen. That I'm not a bad person and I don't deserve this.

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Was out walking and came across a mother and a baby lamb that had just been born. It was curled up and could just barely open its eyes. Was ruminating about someone yesterday and stopped at the special tree and spent 10 minutes beside it. When I left, I realized I had been running things over in my head that I didn't need to.