Type of behaviour regarding C-PTSD

[suffersilence]

Hi,

I know its been a long time. I have been doing research on C-PTSD, various vlogs on that topic, disassociation, disregulation, etc etc.  It is a way for me to better understand it, and understand what I am going through.  But I do have questions that the vlogs and websites seems not to answer.  How do C-PTSD react in terms of school/examinations? What kind of emotional control do C-PTSD have? Can a person with C-PTSD completely supress their emotion to the point of being cold and logical like a Vulcan?
I do remember being addicted to bicycling as a way for me to vent my emotions, but I am wondering has it affected my C-PTSD or not.

Those are the questions that I would like to have answered if possible, if not. thats fine.

Hope you guys can help me out here.
Suffering in silence.

[suffersilence]

oh and one more question, I've noticed a common theme, Majority of C-PTSD sufferers are women, and it made me wonder do men suffer from C-PTSD too?

[owl25]

Hi suffer silence, I think everyone may be a bit different in how their C-PTSD affects them. For me, school and exams were okay, but I think I could have performed better without C-PTSD. I think even today, even though I do well at work, I could be performing a lot better. Some days my mind is quite foggy and it's a struggle to concentrate.

I think it is possible to completely suppress emotions. A lot of people experience this as a kind of numbness. Some people become very rational and logical in their minds and don't seem to show much emotion or seem uncomfortable with emotion.

I think bicycling is actually a really good coping mechanism as it's exercise and it gets you moving.

Men can suffer from C-PTSD too. No one is immune.

I hope this answers your questions 

[woodsgnome]

The causes of c-ptsd are senseless to begin with, so finding sensible, definitive answers are hard to come by. No answer can ever adequately cover the core wounds resulting from it. As owl25 remarked. this can vary for each person.

Every time I've tried to figure any of this out, I only seem to stir up more grief, anger, shame, and all the rest. So one way I 'handled' this was to numb out; meaning that while I could be roiling inside, it was disguised on the outside. Many times I feel I did this just to be safe from the unpredictable people in my life. Paradoxically, I later could become quite emotional when, if required for various acting roles I performed later in life; though off-stage I remained emotionally distant.

Regarding school, I hated elementary/high school, but could ace any subject if motivated. My lack of the latter was also in reaction to the hypocrisy of the private schools I attended, filtered as it was within an environment of abuse and trauma. Once in higher ed, though, despite retaining extreme social awkwardness around strangers, I loved the academic freedom where I was allowed to be me without as much fear as earlier.

Exercise in general does seem to help. For me, I always noticed how wood-splitting (I'm a rural person) worked well at letting off steam . As to gender approaches, I think more men are taught to resist emotional reactions in part due to the insane media messaging echoing the established power structures.   

Sounds like your curiosity is stirring up some new possibilities for you as well. I hope you can find some sensible paths for your own trek as you continue recovering from aspects of CPTSD.

[suffersilence]

To clarify, school and exams, I had to go see a therapist for a while to build up, or break down fears related to rocking the boat or making changes to routine. and I did enroll in college, I did enjoy it, had a few episodes but managed it. but what really surprised me is that after I completed college, I was told that I still have to take a governmental exam in order to become licensed, and I have to pay for it. I became triggered and freaked out, because during college, I was often told this phrase "be careful, if you make a mistake on this part, you will fail" and eventually after 2 years, I believed it, and was unable to take the licensing exam. 

I found it very easy to set up a routine, something I can control. but I have been triggered often over things that i cannot control, and eventually I had to ask my boss to change that part so that I will not be constantly triggered.  as for numbness, I was numb in high school, spent most of my high school numb, but did very good at courses, was top of my grades because to be honest, i was afraid of my FOO to do badly in school.

It took me years to figure out whats wrong, why am I easily triggered at work, even with friends, and even with my FOO. that eventually I did finally see a therapist to help me find out whats wrong. and she helped me figure out that I was suffering from disassociation and other things.  She help me work on it, but I am finding out that I still suffer from emotional out of control when I am triggered, and others.

I did try to talk to a trusted friend, but he did not believe that I have C-PTSD, mainly because of the military connotion related to PTSD, and I have never been in the military.  Thats why I came on this page to have healthy and safe discussion to help me understand my journey and to help me deal and heal from my myriad of issues.

Suffering in silence.

[suffersilence]

Sigh.... This COVID 19  is hard on me.  one of my way of coping or healing is to enjoy some time with friends and going out for fun. It is a way for me to develop healthy relationship and to have better trust in people, as one of my biggest issue is my inability to trust people, especially of the opposite sex. But this covid 19 is causing me to become pretty much a hermit, withdrawn, isolated, prefer to be alone, and when things become too much (I live in city and have to go do some errands to buy groceries and stuff), I would just get in my car and drive away into the country side.  I miss having healthy outing with my friends and having fun face to face. 

There is a lot of things that I cannot remember, but am surprised with a family or childhood friend bring up that memory to me, because I simply cannot remember it at all.  Learning a lot about C-PTSD made me wonder about it a lot.  Of the symptoms list, I do say yes to almost all of them, but the funny thing is that some of the symptoms I don't have at all because I spent most of my teen years numb and disassociated, and deeply supression of my emotions to the point of being robotic. Biking is my stress relief, and I would ride my bicycle daily to the point of insanity.

Do people find it hard to heal or improve, resolve their issues with this C-PTSD?  I find myself sometimes triggered at work. and sometimes find myself stuck in a loop, unable to move ahead and go on the next step.  I do remember one time my therapist was frustrated at me about my being stuck, she told me that she think that she should end the sessions with me because its not helping me at all, and to my surprise, that triggered me so badly. she continued to provide session for a few more weeks, then once again, she triggered my emotions inadvertently, and I just said enough is enough, and refused to continue sessions with her. Did I make a mistake in that, or should i have soldiered through?

Just typing out my thoughts and questions.

Silence.

[woodsgnome]

Much of what you say I relate to, even if not in predictable ways. For instance, while I recognize the hard part about finding friends, I also had several where I went only so far, until my long-standing fear of people kicked in and a feeling of "I'm not good enough" sent me back into my shell, where I could resume hiding.

Turning hermit for me never seemed negative, once I realized my need for it. Slowly, though, I acquired a set of friends I considered as my 'pseudo-family'. One year all 4 of them died, forcing me ever deeper back into what I call the Big Lonely. One of them even called me regularly, telling me constantly that I was loved; until she, too, left me totally alone.

That experience  reinforced my notion that indeed I wasn't meant to have anyone close, that in a sense their dying was another form of rejection by anyone and everyone, that being social (although I'm  apparently friendly) wasn't going to work out for me.

While I'm still open, I remain scared of the pattern, complicated by the parts of being isolated that I actually like, or at least feel more comfortable about. While some might consider this avoidant, I feel it was essential to my survival following a trauma-filled childhood.

That said, I have no dramatic turnaround or revelations about this loneliness that always finds me. I guess I've just learned to accept its presence, while still being open (but not overly optimistic) to find other ways of being social, some of which don't appear that way, but still keep me in touch with others. Sort of like being virtual, which defines huge chunks of my social side before that term gained other connotations.

I have found therapy to be of great benefit, but that didn't happen for a long time either. So many of those I'd had sound eerily familiar to what you've described concerning the off-putting cavalier comments you experienced from your T.  While I think you're right about not returning to that T, I do hope you can find someone to help you turn towards the better life you deserve to have.

I'm figuring my own T may indeed have felt as yours blurted out in negative fashion, but something my T once told me has resonated strongly. Once, when I seemed stuck yet again, she reminded me of how the use of compost can surprisingly re-invigorate a garden. I think that happens quite a bit as we try to deal with the side effects of c-ptsd.

Enough of my sputtering, though. I hope it's okay to leave you with this virtual but sincere 

[owl25]

I only have a few moments available, so a quick and short answer regarding your T. I think if your T made that comment, that means she wasn't equipped to help you heal from C-PTSD. So it is just as well you didn't soldier on with her; likely this would have continued to happen without it being addressed properly. I have had this happen a few times now, and finally recognize it as the Ts just not having the right tools to help with C-PTSD. It really does take someone who is very experienced and knows what they're doing; this sort of thing I imagine is very common and a good trauma T will be prepared for this and expect it. They will also have the patience. They will also know how to get you unstuck. If a T can't work these things out, they aren't meant for helping someone with C-PTSD.

[Not Alone]

I do remember one time my therapist was frustrated at me about my being stuck, she told me that she think that she should end the sessions with me because its not helping me at all. . .

Perhaps it would have been wiser and more helpful if she had said that she was stuck and didn't know how to help you further then offered names of other therapists.

[suffersilence]

I was watching a video clip about PTSD and Complex PTSD, and it mentioned that meditation is very difficult for people who have PTSD and C-PTSD mainly because of their constant hypervigilance, and not feeling safe.  It made me wonder how many people have struggled with this "suggestion" that we meditate and communicate with our Inner child, when we do not feel safe enough to sit there quietly and close our eyes and meditate. I find that when I close my eyes and attempt to meditate, my mind start going mile a minute racing, and my body start to feel tense, not relaxed. so its not helpful as I know that to meditate, I have to be calm, breathe steady and relax.  I also wonder does this affect the emdr therapy?

Just wondering,

Silence.

[owl25]

This is something I can relate to. Meditation is actually contra-indicated for trauma. It can bring up overwhelming emotions if you aren't careful / haven't done enough work on yourself yet. Intuitively I find that I resist and avoid meditation, or any other techniques that are intended to bring calm and relaxation. This is because for me, this equals letting my guard down, and this feels very unsafe. That being said, I know meditation helps a lot of people with trauma as I have seen people use it as part of their healing. I think it really matters on where you are with the healing work you have done so far. I think safety needs to be gradually built up so that meditation can be done safely.

With regards to EMDR, it may potentially affect it, but everyone is different. Again it depends on where you are in your healing. I have not done EMDR personally, and that is because I'm not ready for it, it doesn't feel safe enough yet for me. EMDR for C-PTSD takes more preparation than for single shock "regular" PTSD, and it is important you build up enough inner resources and coping skills beforehand.

You may want to start looking into Internal Family Systems (IFS). I find this model very helpful, and it helps make sense why certain things don't feel safe and what happens if you do them anyway. The idea is we are actually all made up of more than one part, and some parts carry all our hurt and trauma, and other parts protect these hurt parts and protect us from feeling the pain from those hurt parts. If you go into meditation and connect with what you called the inner child, you may potentially be connecting with that pain without enough inner resources. The protective parts may jump in and stop you from doing that so you do not get overwhelmed. They do this by making it feel unsafe, or by creating anxiety, or other things. If you push through anyway, and hit upon the pain, you may get overwhelmed and then other protective parts jump in by using potentially unhealthy coping mechanisms (drinking, drugs, etc.) to distract from the overwhelm. These parts will do anything to make the pain go away, even if it is destructive in other ways. This is why pushing through is not a good idea. IFS helps you work with all these different parts of you in a safe and gradual manner, so that you can safely connect with and heal inner child parts.

[suffersilence]

Hi all,

Recently I had an episode, note: unable to control work situation is a form of trigger for me, and this happened at work.  I had to do deliveries and on that day there were a snow storm which dumped a large amount of snow. It was anxiety inducing and I was struggling to finish my work until the point that I shut down half way. so I told my boss I am done. 
Next day, my boss told me that I had to think outside the box and be able to look for other ways to complete my deliveries.  It made me wonder... do people who have C-PTSD have trouble thinking rationally/logically when they are having an episode?  Because when he mentioned that, I was stunned, and immediately thought that I couldn't even think about completing my deliveries when I am going crazy trying to get myself unstuck..

so, when people who have c-ptsd episode, are they able to still think logically and rationally and be able to look at their jobs and complete it?

Suffering

[Bella]

I think when we (CPTSD survivors) have an episode, like EF's, we cannot enter our rational mind. Emotional processing and responses happens deeper in the brain, and when we have experienced trauma, our brains get stuck there during an episode. This explanation is obviously simplified. But reading about neurological development, especially in context of trauma, will answer your question.

There is defenetly a reason why we cannot cope with any type of stress, and finding it hard to complete or master anything during an episode.
CPTSD is a neurological issue as much as anything else. Our nervesystem is deeply affected and damaged from the constant influence of stress-hormones growing up. To me it sometimes feel like my brain is burned or something. All sensory input etc just feels like to much. Like when you burn your skin, and the slightest touch is really painful. Or when a fuse shuts down... nothing (in my brain) works...
I totally get why this was difficult for you!