Resources for self-sabotage? *TW*

[Pioneer]

Hey, I could use some help finding some ariticles/resources or just some personal experiences about overcoming self-sabotage. I have begun reading Pete Walker's book and have tried looking through the different topics but wasn't sure where to look...

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but I think I was a flight-freeze type as a child, and I felt very abandoned especially in my teen years. And then in my adulthood I adopted some fawning when my NPs got the opportunity to abuse and control me and my family. And then I developed this habit of sabotaging my own sanity, going deep into freeze mode and depression, and I would also sabotage any opportunity for my husband to function healthily. My h has had a lot of health issues, partially due to all the stress and abuse from our abusers (we have distanced ourselves from them now!), and I would take on some of their behaviors. I hadn't acted this way before, but I would go into flight and freeze mode and my husband wouldn't feel safe to come out of the bedroom or to try to function...his body doesn't handle stress well. And it pains me raw to say all this...but my NPs were on a mission to physically kill him and to emotionally kill me. And its like I was helping them to do it. My h assured and pleaded with me to know and remember that this was not me. But since I saw him as my enemy most of the time, I struggled to hear him.

I have since been doing better. And this forum has helped a lot. But I still find myself heavily triggered when I realize that we are starting to do well. It's like I am convinced that this cannot be, that we don't "deserve" it or something. It's a strong natural tendency at this point.

I feel like my CPTSD symptoms hit me just in the past few years...I'm not sure if that's true. And it hit really hard.

I'd appreciate any advice. Does anyone else experience sabotage like this? I feel ashamed of it. But I also know that it's not truly who I am.

I feel desperate because this tendency has the power to keep us from providing for our family...it already has. But I also have hope that it can change.
Thanks 

[Jazzy]

This sounds very difficult Pioneer, I am sorry you had to go through it. Unfortunately, I do not have a lot to offer you. I hope you can work through it though.

Its good that you've been doing better, and I think it is common enough to feel like you don't deserve it. It is not true though. You do deserve to do well, as much as anyone.

Keep up the good work on improving yourself, and working through your healing journey.

[Pioneer]

Thank you, so much Jazzy  I feel comforted in knowing that my thoughts and feelings are heard - thank you for saying that I deserve to do well. That means so much.

I know deep down that healing is happening and that it will happen a step at a time. It's comforting to have others with me on the journey. I feel hope.

[Pioneer]

I found this article that talks about self- sabotage in CPTSD. It doesn't go into much detail about recovering from it, but it is a good, reassuring start for me. I think it helps give me that push I need to work on my inner child more. I am very scared to seek out my little one because I've put up so many walls to "protect" her. But I will try that process and learn more about inner child work from you all, as I can. The work expressed in this forum gives me courage 

https://rolandbal.com/self-sabotage/