Done with it

[Rainydaze]

I experienced a day of passive aggressive digs, sarcasm and complaining from my boss on Friday. This behaviour is so reminiscent of my father and the lack of escape from it triggers me terribly and takes me back to being 14. My brain is now resolutely telling me "ENOUGH!" I am just so done with it all.

I've put up with episodes of the above along with a couple of other instances of workplace bullying at this place for 5 years. I've stuck it out while putting some money aside for capital for the part time business I've set up in my spare time. Quite honestly, my mental health has suffered terribly with the toxic office environment, early mornings and long commute. I haven't been living and I've been in a state of constant hypervigilance and exhaustion. The job is dead end and thankless. I've been putting in so much effort over the past few months and been getting nothing but stupid digs and complaining in return.

I was spaced out and tearful all day yesterday and this morning I feel nauseous and tired. My body aches and is telling me that this situation is not healthy or right. I cannot cope with this job anymore. All the signs are telling me to quit and to take the plunge properly with my business venture. It's not making enough profit to live on yet but then I haven't had the time or energy to grow it with my current circumstances. I don't think I'll ever do it otherwise, I'll always just be in the vicious cycle of never finding the "right time" or not being able to dedicate enough time to it because the part time job takes everything out of me.

It really feels like everything has come to a head and that I really need to make a change. I've powered through working with C-PTSD for so long and I'm starting to feel just how ill the wrong environment has been making me. It does feel like a disability. I can't cope with offices the way that other people seem to be able to, they make me feel trapped.

Can anyone relate to this? My nervous system has gone into overdrive with it all and I'm feeling rubbish.

[Snowdrop]

I can relate very much, blues_cruise.

Up until a few years ago, I had a job. I was there for some years, worked hard, and put a lot of myself into it.

The boss I had for my last two years turned a blind eye to backstabbing and bullying, and then started to bully me himself. It was absolutely toxic. I didn't know about CPTSD at the time, but in hindsight I was triggered and had EFs nearly every day.

I decided to quit my job after I was signed off sick for a few weeks. It gave me space to think. I imagined I no longer worked there, and asked myself "if my job was advertised, would I apply for it?" No way! I simply couldn't cope with that sort of toxic environment.

Like you, I'd been building a business on the side, so I moved into that full-time. The first couple of years were hard, but being able to work when and how I wanted gave me the space to heal. I'm now in a much better place, and I don't regret my choice for one second.

So you're not alone, blues_cruise. I understand at least some of what you're going through, and I'm with you whatever you decide.

[Blueberry]

I can so understand, blues_cruise! 

[Not Alone]

blues_cruise,

I haven't experienced as much distress at a job as you are dealing with. I'm sorry you've had so much stress at work for five years. I had two jobs that I quit because of emotional stress. Both were part-time and although my small income helped, I didn't need it to pay the bills. Unfortunately, income is a big consideration. In one job, the new Executive Director was a bully. More I could say, but I quit that job. All the wonderful people that I worked with eventually left. The other job that I left was because of one person who was very triggering to me. I had such chest pain when that person was around, I wondered at times if I was having heart issues.

Maybe my best advise to you would be to read what you posted. Listen to yourself. I know this isn't easy.

[SharpAndBlunt]

blues_cruise, I also have been in the position, often, of being stuck in a job that I hate, for one reason or another. I just wanted to tell you I recognise how awful it is and if it helps to affirm what an awful drain it can be on the emotions and nerves. When I started on a healing journey I left one decently paid job and rejected another, because they were definitely contributing to ill health. Each time took much soul searching. I think sometimes that being economically 'active' is promoted against all else. Obviously being here means that we know that it's not. Good luck, whatever happens.

[Rainydaze]

Thank you for all your replies, it helps so much to get some perspective on this from people who understand what it's like. I've gradually started to calm down since Friday and I realise that change is needed as soon as possible, I just need to work out a realistic next step. I don't think I can flat out leave yet due to money and the dire situation the economy's in but I'm really going to keep my ear to the ground for anything else that might come up. In the meantime I'll continue putting away as much as I can in savings.

I suppose the only thing I can really attempt to control right now is my attitude towards it. I'm not going to give that place my all anymore and from now on they're getting the bare minimum from me. Sounds childish but I'm so sick of trying to be helpful and having it thrown back in my face. I think it brings out my people pleasing and fawning tendencies, which just hinder me nowadays. As long as I get my work finished I'm just going to leave on the dot every day and try to concentrate on what's really important until I can get reasonably get myself out of this situation. I'm angry at myself in a way for getting into this state, I know from past experience that people pleasing gets me nowhere!

I decided to quit my job after I was signed off sick for a few weeks. It gave me space to think. I imagined I no longer worked there, and asked myself "if my job was advertised, would I apply for it?" No way! I simply couldn't cope with that sort of toxic environment.

Like you, I'd been building a business on the side, so I moved into that full-time. The first couple of years were hard, but being able to work when and how I wanted gave me the space to heal. I'm now in a much better place, and I don't regret my choice for one second.

That's so brilliant (and inspiring!) - I'm glad taking the plunge and working on your business full time worked out for you Snowdrop.