Letter To A Bad Friend (Not To Send)

[Bach]

Dear S,

I'm really angry at you for projecting your crazy onto me and not telling me about it for six months, then writing me a letter accusing me of being negative and demanding and of not appreciating my life.  What?  Like, I didn't even know that you were upset with me, that's how far out of left field it came.  My memory of our conversation six months ago is not so different from yours, in that I can remember saying the things that you attributed to me, but wow, have you ever heard of CONTEXT?  Where do you get off nitpicking my word choice and then laying on the martyr stuff about how you want to be my friend and encourage me but "it takes so much energy to encourage [me] because these negative feelings overwhelm all positive aspects of [my] life"?  Go ahead, cosmic void, call the kettle black.  And, well, of course, run off to C to be validated in your blaming me for everything and not examining your own words, thoughts, and actions.  And, of course, rub that in my face, you with your whole "I'm spending my time with positive influences" shtick!  Fine.  Go spend your time with positive influences who encourage you to blame others for your depression.  Go be the martyr you want to be.  I don't have time to be your scapegoat.

The thing that makes me saddest is that we did this once before, years ago, and I thought that both of us had learned from it, and that we had rebuilt a healthier friendship.  I thought we had come to a better understanding of each other.  That I could think of you as my friend who would be flawed and broken as I am, who would make mistakes as I do, who would sometimes miscommunicate as we broken people often cannot help, but who would give me the benefit of the doubt and bloody well TALK to me if I said something that bothered you.  As I do for you!  It really hurts that I was wrong.

It also really hurts that I miss you.  I wish emotions were tidy enough that I could say "I'm better off without you in my life", and that would be the end of it.  As it is, I don't know what to do with this feeling of rejection and injustice.  I sort of hate you right now, and want to yell at you and make you cry.  But I know that wouldn't fix this, because though it might soothe you to push my buttons, it sure doesn't soothe me to push yours.  You have hurt me so many times.  I have given you the benefit of the doubt over and over and over.  I've been a good friend to you, and while I know I'm not always the easier person in the world to deal with, it's not like you're a lovely sunny ultra-functional picnic yourself.  And yet, you address me as if I'm dangerous and toxic, nothing but a drain on you that you have suffered for mysterious unknowable reasons of your own.  As if I am not your equal.  As if my purpose is to prove to you that there is someone else who is even more dysfunctional than you. 

The worst part is that if you come back I probably will shrug all this off, resume our friendship, and forget again that I cannot trust you with anything real of mine.  I wish I could find a way to stop hurting about this.  You do not deserve to take up this much space in my mind.

[Not Alone]

Bach, I want to let you know that I read your letter and I hear your anger and your deep hurt. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Bach I want to thank you for sharing your letter. I hear how hard it hurts, and I recognise almost everything in it from a recent experience of mine, including shrugging off the hurt. In some ways I think this is a strength. The part about not being an equal - it's funny that I was thinking in those exact same terms this weekend about a friendship of mine. to you if it's ok.

[Bach]

notalone and SharpAndBlunt, thank you for reading this and acknowledging me. It is still bothering me on and off but it has not sent me into a self-destructive spiral of shame and self-blame as it would have in the past. I am so thankful for this!

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Bach, I'm glad to hear you're doing well with this. sab.