Adrift in a Sea of Despair

[woodsgnome]

For while, I've sensed that underneath surface hurts, I'm really alright, even well-off sometimes. Then it all seems like a mirage, and I feel phony for even trying anymore.

I've realize for the umpteenth time that I may have mad what looks like progress towards re-claiming the beauty of life. Except, there's always been one huge block of inside grief/anger/bitterness that I've never been able to budge. I'm in one of those stuck places now; although it comes and goes, this time it almost seems as if it's appeared yet again, this time to reclaim its rightful place.

I'll spare the rhetoric, though. The reason I'm writing here is, as hinted, pure and total desperation that I'll ever feel right about life. It's the sort of cycle where I justve up on myself. It's sort of fraudulent for me to lament my own distress, when so many others need the same. But it's where I'm at.

Mostly what bothers me is this block that won't budge -- when all is said and done, the feeling that I was irreparably damaged at birth -- unwanted, despised, rejected, and ill-treated from there. I can't shake that original flaw.

Yes, I can say things have sometimes improved my overall defeatist attitude, but it always falls apart again. I can't shake the original wound is what it comes down to. My inner terror always resurfaces at this point of hopelessness.

Not to bore you any further, I just felt like letting some of my mood dissipate. But that's always temporary -- soon it collapses again into the repetitive cycle -- I'm no good -- all I have to do is acknowledge that and surrender myself as a lost cause.     

[owl25]

Dear woodsgnome, reading what you wrote makes me feel sad for what happened to you. Babies are so innocent and precious, it is hard for me to imagine not wanting to care for and nurture them. I know though that this happens, and I wish that wasn't your story. This is such a deep wound. You deserved to be wanted and loved, to be cherished and cared for. To be held and gently rocked to sleep, to be smiled at, to be played with and to be sung to. You deserved all of those things, and so much more.

I really do not believe you are a lost cause. I know it can feel that way. I have felt so much despair myself in terms of thinking none of this can ever go away. I think the truth is that we can't logic our way out of our wounds, and they need to be met with presence, love and care. We can do this with the help of another human being who knows how to do this.

Sending you love, care and compassion 

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you're in such emotional pain, Woodsgnome. I hear your hurt. As Owl says, it's a deep wound and you deserved to be cherished, loved and nurtured. I know it feels like it, but you're absolutely not a lost cause.

Please know that I care about you, and I'm walking by your side in this journey of ours. Sending you much love and and support.

[Bella]

So sorry you are going through this... Those feelings of despair and hopelessness are excruciating and overwhelming! I feel your pain! Please know you are not alone in this. Even though you feel stuck, this will not last forever. To me that is always the worst part of being lost in despair, the never ending feeling. Even if you can't see it at the moment, there is always hope!
Like the others have commented, I don't think you are a lost cause!
I also want to say that your pain and despair are not less valid than other peoples pain. You have just as much right to express your struggle as everyone else. And reading your post is not boring! You matter! Your feelings matter! Your struggles are worth listening to!
Sending you a heartfelt hug, if that is ok with you. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hello woodsgnome, those feelings you talk about have such deep roots that it feels sometimes foolish to even try. I second what everyone else has said here, just wanted you to know that I heard you too. I like so much what owl25 said..." I think the truth is that we can't logic our way out of our wounds, and they need to be met with presence, love and care. We can do this with the help of another human being who knows how to do this."   

[Kizzie]

Mostly what bothers me is this block that won't budge -- when all is said and done, the feeling that I was irreparably damaged at birth -- unwanted, despised, rejected, and ill-treated from there. I can't shake that original flaw.

Perhaps it's not a flaw but a catastrophic wound that perhaps won't /can't heal entirely, much like when you lose a limb.     I don't want to be negative or pessimistic here but I often feel the same thing, that I have that frozen block of pain that keeps me from thriving, feeling real joy, and I don't quite know how or whether I can get at it in the end.

I'd personally like to try psilocybin or MDMA assisted psychotherapy because of what I've read; that it can allow you to see and feel that wound whilst having access to the self-protective, compassionate and loving sides of yourself that we have such difficulty tapping into.  I see it's potential as giving us more/better access to other parts of our selves that would allow us to live more comfortably with our wound(s), like accepting a lost limb and learning to live without it (perhaps even live well if we can ignite more self-care, compassion and love), versus being stuck in the pain and loss.

Alas, it's not legal here yet and I fear it won't be for a number of years sadly but I will be front of the line when it does become available and it does appear to be moving that way.

  Woodsgnome

[Blueberry]

  to you woodsgnome. I'm sorry you feel such despair atm. I care about you and I'm sending support.

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I also care about you, and send you much support 
Hope 

[Pioneer]

Hi woodsgnome,
I am sorry that you are in so much pain. And I can understand the hopeless, unending feeling that the pain will never end or that it will just continue on an endless cycle. You are not selfish or undeserving to be expressing your grief. That is what we are here for. To hopefully comfort and touch one another's wounds in a way others might not be able to understand.

I think healing begins with expressing the pain and letting it be touched. It may not completely heal, and a lost limb might not grow back, but letting others see it and see it more for yourself and letting others touch it might be a beginning in itself.

Kizzie's comments about having a lost limb made me think of this song by MercyMe. The group wrote it for a friend who became a paraplegic. The video/song has a couple Christian lines and shows the paraplegic in recovery so I'll put a *TW* just in case: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UhTHgaCjTJs

[woodsgnome]

TW*** brief reference to suicidal ideation ***

I have an extreme fear of ever asking for help. This probably stems from the times I cried out for help and no one was there, or things even got worse. I soon not only didn't ask, but lost trust in people -- they all just seemed to be frightful variations of each other; some a little more tolerable, is all. The really good people imaginary and/or out of reach.

See, I'm still  scared -- even here -- to ask for help. But I risked doing so with this thread, as this site/forum has become a refuge filled with people who've shared their tales of finding, and giving a chance, to the light called love, even when it seems dimmed to a hopeless flicker. I'm better right now, thanks to the comments received. THANK YOU ALL!


Today's calendar tells me it's St. Lucia Day, an observance of the light that can still emerge out of darkness. On one such day, only a couple of years ago, I showed up at my therapist's appointment with a candle snub tucked into my gear. This was a last-minute thing, the result of a challenge the T had made at the previous meeting. Knowing I was suicidal at the time, she'd wondered if I could perhaps somehow pledge to at least put a temporary hold on my self-harm ideas.

So I tucked the candle-stub in my bag and headed to her office, not even remembering that indeed it was St. Lucia's Day, still known as 'old solstice' in certain areas (personally I don't usually formally observe the holiday season as such--esp. the family emphasis; but remain fascinated by some of its folklore). As that day's session wore on, there was a certain point when I reached into my gear, drew the candle out, lit it and pledged to not follow through on my ideations.

It was only later, after I'd returned from the appointment, that I realized  it had been the exact day -- December 13 -- when the Lucia observances occurred. I was pleasantly stunned to realize this, and took it as no mere coincidence.

I still forget this day, and suddenly it rolls around like a fresh dawn. I'd forgotten it again this year, yet here it is!  Once more I feel invited to renew that pledge to continue, even in the hardest of times, on the path of the light. And now you're all a part of that trail.

Thanks again for helping me find my bearings. 

[Hope67]

Hi Woodsgnome,
I am so glad that you're renewing the pledge to continue, and when you mentioned the path of the light, I viewed it amongst a lovely woodland and saw us all along the trail, so you've conveyed a very nice picture for me in my mind.   Sending you a warm hug, 
Hope 

[Pioneer]

Hi Woodsgnome!
I am very honored to be on that trail with you. And I am so glad you have renewed your pledge to continue on - that is a pledge of courage and hope  It is encouraging for me to have others on the journey, too. 

[Kizzie]

            Here with you and for you my friend.

[marta1234]

Woodsgnome, I wanted to come by and send you my support. I did initially read your post but could not find the energy to reply, and for one being because this is my mental state right now. It was scary to see my own feelings written down, but from someone else.
I'm very happy that you have seen some light, and are going on small step in front. Sending you my love and lots of hugs! 

[Oz]

 Hi Woodsgnome, when you talk about your block that's exactly how I feel underneath my day to day self. I fit perfectly into the "lost child syndrome"  always worthless, lost, hopeless with smatterings of despair. Through my recovery process I've been able to stand up for myself and not take s**t from people and though its empowering I'm not making any friends, I just feel so different to other people, this came to a head the other day when I was in work and felt utterly rejected by all my work colleagues, this in turn set something in motion within me...I FELT that worthlessness and rejection I'd felt as a child, it was deep in my stomach and lasted all day. Though it was saddening it was also(strangely to say) quite pleasurable and comforting, I cried for myself.
I too felt like nothing can change but i believe with perseverance with self loving actions things slowly get better, not always in the way we expect but in how our soul knows best.
Lots of love to you and keep going.