Hi, I'm New

Started by Dark.art.girl, December 10, 2020, 11:12:48 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Dark.art.girl


Hello to all of the fellow survivors! I'm dark.art.girl. I know this looks long, but if you take the time to read I would appreciate it soooo much.

I wish I could tell you my name, because I'm a pretty open person, but I'll stick with anon for now.
I turn 20 in January, I'm engaged to the only man in my life who has ever cared enough to at least try to understand my daily obstacles, and I love music and art. I'm a musician, anime addict, nicotine addict, and aspiring tattoo artist.
  :bigwink:

I recently came to the conclusion that the prolonged childhood trauma I experienced at home and outside of my home life, developed into more than just PTSD. I guess it had to be fate that my parents were broken children themselves. My father is a recovered addict, trauma survivor, and narcissistic/verbal/mental abuser who uses money to manipulate people, and my mother is a recovering alcoholic/addict (alcoholism on/off through my childhood) who also has cPTSD and Multiple Sclerosis.

Especially within the past couple of months, I've gone back and forth trying to figure out if I had BPD, ASD, or if it was in fact only the PTSD, acute stress disorder, and depression that I grew up knowing. After doing a lot of research I realized that the reason I can only accomplish two tasks in one day, the reason I feel like every day passes me by, the reason my brain seems so foggy and the reason I can't seem to get rid of these random images that flash through my thoughts daily is because I have complex PTSD.

I have ADD/ADHD, too. Which adds to the whole mess (no pun intended). But my antidepressants and stimulants can only help so much when it comes to the handicaps I deal with every single day. It's extremely frustrating. And the part that really struck me, was the fact that because my father's verbal/emotional abuse started when I was only six, and never stopped, it actually impaired my cognitive development. I'll never know what I could've been capable of doing in life.

But then again, I never thought that way beforehand. I can still learn new skills quickly, and even though my short-term memory is horrible I can retain information with drilling and memorization. I can still push myself really hard to do what I want to do in life. Even though it might take longer than some people, I can still achieve it if I want it bad enough. My mother had complex PTSD too, but she has a very limiting perspective on the whole diagnoses. But at least I was able to get help and process some of the trauma, right? There's so many traumatic events that I don't think I could manage to get to all of them.. I'm thinking about writing another life/trauma story but with more detail. Do you think it's a good idea? Has it helped any of you? I've done it once before in treatment.

I was also wondering if anyone had any suggestions (not advice hehe) on how to manage the daily struggles. I know that this post might seem a bit inward, but after posting it, I'm hoping maybe all of you guys can relate to this and help me understand more about how to distinguish cPTSD and the other disorders I have.

marta1234

Dark.art.girl, welcome to the forum :heythere: . I love your intro btw! :)
I’ll start by saying that I’m sorry you had to go through a childhood this tough, it pains me because I relate to it a lot (although in different way), as everyone here on the forum can empathize too.
Quote from: Dark.art.girl on December 10, 2020, 11:12:48 PM

I can still push myself really hard to do what I want to do in life. Even though it might take longer than some people, I can still achieve it if I want it bad enough.

I like how you said this. I do feel alot of times (and not to hijack your post) that I don’t see my EA and PA as trauma, therefore I don’t give it the full recognition that it deserves. One day I’ll have to get it to my head, but I want to congratulate you for already seeing it this way. :)
I don’t know if I have good advice (and I would need to know more of your story to give you a good suggestion), I  just really feel like I’m just surviving each day. But I can tell you that this forum is of help (no pressure though), and I know I’ve found answers by following members’ journals and other discussions. It’s also been finally a safe place for me.

Hope some of this helps, and sending you lots of support and a hug (if it’s ok) :hug:

Dark.art.girl

Thank you for the welcome!! <3 Also, don't be sorry. Everything happens for a reason, good or bad. But my heart goes out to you. I would never wish this or anything else remotely like it on anyone.
After going through these kinds of things for so long, and seeing as I was truly my only protector, I had to come up with my own way of thinking of life. I guess my long-term survival method was to fight, and even though I often have my weak moments (everyone does), I was kind of forced to look at everything with an attitude like that. But then again, it's exhausting because I go on total autopilot.
Surviving was a great way to put it. It's like the subconscious mind goes on it's own little survival mode without my permission lol
I hope it'll be a safe place for me too. I've always gotten the most help through group therapy and sharing with other individuals that struggle with the same things I do. And I'm glad you have too. :) Childhood neglect has lead my growth as a person to depend on external validation, because otherwise I can't tell whether my feelings/reactions are right or wrong. In some instances, I really have to push myself to accept that feelings are there for a reason.
As for the advice, I suppose you would have to hear my whole story. That makes sense lol
But reading journals and discussions is what I think I'll dive into first.
Hugs are always ok!! <3 I'll also be sending love and support your way too.

Bermuda

Welcome to the forum. I think a lot of us can relate to the daily struggles and I hope you can find comfort in that. Many of us also have multiple diagnoses. It really impairs life more than other people may see. I found writing out my memories as they came to me really helpful as sometimes you just want them to seem more real. I don't know if it will feel good for you, but we are all here to listen. :)

Nice to meet you.
Also anonymous

Dark.art.girl

Thank you so much for this reply, it's very warm and welcoming for me.
I will give writing out my memories a try. I've done EMDR, but with so many traumatic events it can only help so much. And yes, I do want them to seem more real because every time I remember a time or place it just seems like it never happened. It's really weird, but I'm glad you can relate to that too. I thought no one else could ever understand that. :(
It's super nice to meet you too, and I hope you stay safe.

Kizzie

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Dark Art Girl  :heythere:  I am a survivor of N abuse and alcoholism (F) too so I can relate to what you write, especially the brain fog.  Happy to say that the more I talk about my trauma and am validated the more that has receded. I hope this is something that will give you some comfort and hope as I know only too well the hard work it takes to get around/through the debilitating effects of relational trauma. 

:grouphug:

Not Alone

Thank you for introducing yourself. Welcome.  :heythere:

Quote from: Dark.art.girl on December 10, 2020, 11:12:48 PM
I'm thinking about writing another life/trauma story but with more detail. Do you think it's a good idea? Has it helped any of you? I've done it once before in treatment.

You really are the best person to answer that question. Since you did it before, you have some idea of what that is like for you. I would find writing my story too triggering, although I do journal a lot. You could always start writing and if it is too disruptive, put it away for awhile.

Quote from: Dark.art.girl on December 12, 2020, 12:13:21 AM
And yes, I do want them to seem more real because every time I remember a time or place it just seems like it never happened. It's really weird, but I'm glad you can relate to that too. I thought no one else could ever understand that. :(

Believing my memories has been a MAJOR hurtle for me. I totally get this. According to my therapist, its very common for trauma survivors.

Pioneer

Welcome Dark Art Girl!  :heythere: Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you can find a safe and encouraging place here! I know I have  :)
I also really like music and art!

Bella

Hi! Welcome to the forum! Happy to see you here! I hope this forum will be of great support to you, like it has been to me! I totally relate to your daily struggles. You are not alone in this, even if the sense of loneliness can be all consuming sometimes. It can be really hard to imagine that anyone would be able to understand what we are going through. But survivors do understand, cause we share many of the same symptoms.
Sending you lots of support, and a hug if that is ok with you!  :hug:

Dark.art.girl

Oh my GOSH!!!
The amount of love and support I'm getting from you all is so amazing. Thank you so much to all of you!!
As an artist, I started a new series of designs to describe what C-PTSD feels like to me. I think I'm going to share it in the art section. They won't be graphic or anything that could result in a TW, they'll just be symbolic and things like that. I feel like maybe you guys could relate with the imagery. :) I might write some things in the journal section too. I've been reading a lot and I think it might be better than just re-writing another life-story. Hugs are always welcome, and so are PMs.
xoxo