I was never loved as a child and i don't know how to love someone as an adult.

  • 5 Replies
  • 713 Views
*

TheStargazer

  • Member
  • 6
    • View Profile
 I grew up in a comfortable upper middle-class English family. My dad had served in the British army and seen active combat. He was probably in the special forces, although he never actually confirmed it,  based on the tattoos he had and by piecing together all the things he used to tell me when i was growing up. He was extremely domineering and authoritarian. He would regularly tell me that his role as my father was to put food on the table, teach how to be a man, and educate me.

 There was never any question of having any emotional contact with me... in all my life he never once told me that he loved me, gave me or a hug or even said that he was proud of me. I was starved of love and affection by both my parents. My mum had run away from home at 16 to escape an abusive family situation, joined the women's Royal navy and worked her way up to petty officer. After leaving the navy she became a model and beauty queen ( she actually started during her time in the navy since she appeared in the yearly calendars and did promotional work). She even took part in Miss England and was in demand for modelling swimwear ( back then she was one of the early bikini models) and evening dresses.  She ended up meeting my dad when she was working as my dad's  secretary when my dad worked in private communications/global information gathering.
She always wore pretty dresses, high heels and perfect make up around the house and never spoke before my dad spoke first, lowered her head and never looked him in the eye, and only started eating at the dinner table when my dad told her to. It was a weird surreal atmosphere during every family meal. I don't remember her ever showing me any love or affection, no kisses, cuddles or words of love, support or affection.

My dad would constantly denigrate anything i did at school or at home. I won the school short story competition several times and dad never congratulated me... in fact he would tear my room apart looking for evidence of my story writing and if he found any i got the leather belt, and was forced to sleep in the cold attic in an army sleeping bag.
 
He would take me to museums, air shows and historical sites but would never allow me to ask questions or even talk to him about what we were seeing. If i ever said anything whilst he was talking he would slap me around the head and tell me 'shut up boy. When i talk you listen.' I was confused... why take me to all the places but never want to hear what i had to say or allow me to ask questions?
 
Every Friday evening he would take me and my sister to the local public library. We were given exactly 30 minutes to choose our books... any longer and i got the leather belt.
I would sneak into his study whilst he was away at work and borrow books several times a week. I had a voracious appetite for reading anything i could get my hands on. I read all the classics, loads of non fiction, but my favourites were the action/adventure thrillers where i could escape into another world and where i was the hero.

I ached everyday for signs of love and affection from my parents... i never got any. I became very needy and rebellious at school, getting into fights, explosive outbursts of anger ( due to the  brutal sexual abuse i was enduring every day).  I would drink alcohol in secret until i lost consciousness. I compensated for the lack of love at home by binge eating. Everything i did was impulsive and revealed my addictive personality.

I couldn't express any emotions even if i had an uncanny knack of 'seeing' what other people were feeling. I was always on alert for signs of abuse and i constantly looked for the slightest show of affection from other people towards me.  I withdrew into myself. I was the school loner. No one wanted to be with me because i was always shifting from one extreme emotion to the other... moody, isolated, extreme anger and violence. I shut down during lessons and dissociated all the time. I was put in every bottom class because all the teachers thought i was just plain dumb. No one paid any attention to me except to jump me in the boys toilets and kick the * out of me. When i was 15 that stopped when one day i just snapped and broke one boys wrist, snapped another's ankle like my dad had shown me, and repeatedly stabbed another in the face with a pen! It took three adult male teachers to get me out of the toilet.. they thought i would end up killing several of the boys.

I was sent by my dad to see a 'shrink for my nutcase son' but he just ended up sexually abusing me along with a senior doctor.
I hated medical professionals... i was abused by my sports teacher, his wife, and they regularly invited their friends to take part, a local policeman, a family doctor, a lawyer and another science teacher at my school. I never told my parents. Why would i? When i first told me dad what the sports teacher had done  to me in the boys changing room at school he punished me by making me cut the back garden lawn with a pair of scissors.

My mum never once said anything to console me even when she saw me pulling my hair out, scratching my back till it was red raw and bled, or even when she saw the holes i had made in my arms with a maths compass. She just fed me more cake and pudding.

I've been emotionally handicapped all my adult life. I just can't connect with anyone. Theres a terrible painful emptiness inside me like i was never given the chance to learn about love when i was a child. I can't feel what other people can feel. That makes me incredibly sad... like my life was taken from me and i'm not really human. I can love my cats, i can love my two children but i can't love a woman. i don't know how to. This is difficult for me to understand. I don't trust other adults. I ignore everyone else around me when i'm in a public space like i'm walking around enclosed in a transparent bubble. Sometimes a woman might glance at me and i stare straight into her eyes until she breaks off eye contact. Maybe its freaky for them but when someone does catch my eye i never break eye contact... i can look at them and literally 'feel' their emotions.

*

Bermuda

  • Member
  • 138
  • It's complicated.
    • View Profile
Reading your words was so relatable for me that it became difficult. It's terribly that you experienced those things and that no one came to your help, and those who were supposed to help you hurt you and neglected your emotional needs. I also find connecting with others challenging, and I don't think I really understand or feel love how other people seem to.


*

Bella

  • Member
  • 133
    • View Profile
Reading your story was painful! No one deserve that kind of treatment, abuse and neglect! So sorry you had to endure all of that. No wonder love and relationships with other adults is difficult for you! Normal reactions to not so normal circumstances!
Hope you find the support you need to find yourself in a better place with yourself and others. Please know your not alone, and many survivors would relate and understand. Sending a empathic hug, if that is okey with you.
 :hug:

*

TheStargazer

  • Member
  • 6
    • View Profile
A hug is just what I need..human contact is something I dread yet ache for every day. My trauma has messed me up so badly that Iím only now coming to terms with all its consequences.

*

Bella

  • Member
  • 133
    • View Profile
I really feel for you! I know how it feels to ache for physical touch.... it runs so deep!
Just want to say that how messed up you feel, you are NOT beyond repair! There is always hope, even though it sounds like a cliche.
I don't want to give you advice or anything, these are just thoughts... what about finding a trauma therapist that also do body work. (Don't know the right term for it in english). In that sense you would probably receive touch, but from a professional,  which might make it a bit less scary... traumawork can be really tough, but are worth it in the end.
I would defenetly give you a hug if I could!  :hug:

*

Dark.art.girl

  • Member
  • 25
    • View Profile
Stargazer,
I wanted to say that my heart goes out to you.
I don't know if it went through, but I sent you a PM. You are so brave for sharing your story with us, and we are always here to listen to whatever you need to say. Thank you so much.