Can one be a traumatized child even if one performed well at school?

[Bella]

Hi all! I know this question is a bit silly really, but just wondering; When I read about children who are being a*used in some way or the other, normally the symptom-description state the child will have/will develop problems with school-work and behavioral issues, etc. All of this makes sense, and I guess reflects normal reactions to not so normal circumstances.
But can anyone relate to actually performing well at school despite being constantly on edge at home? I could behave somewhat defiant at school, cause it was a much safer place! But it was never a real problem, and didn't interfere with schoolwork. In a sense school was like a free-space for me. I've always had lots of interests, and loved different subjects. (Socially at school was a bit different though, as I was always very insecure and vulnerable. Felt bullied at times, but not sure if that was truly the case.)
Does this indicate that I wasn't really traumatized? *my neverending story of confusion*

[saylor]

Indeed it is possible to be abused and traumatized at home and still do well at school. The concept of Structural Dissociation can help explain how this can happen. I posted about this a while back:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=39780792e1b6e786b8939b8febc61674&topic=12915.msg95663#msg95663

Also, there's another old thread where ppl shared about their levels of functionality in school despite problems at home:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13056.msg97735#msg97735

[Bella]

Thank you so much, Saylor! That was truly helpful! Been wondering about this for quite a while.. it calmed my confusion for now!

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Bella, in my experience doing well at school was a way to deflect negative attention at home. It was also a way for me to win approval at home.

Your comment about school being a freer (maybe safer?, for me) environment than home also rang true for me. I also used that space to rebel a little at school. I knew that punishment there couldn't match the physical and emotional punishment I would get at home for attempting to act out.

So, yes, I do totally relate and it makes perfect sense to me. I'm interested in the links saylor posted and I'll be checking those out. Thank you saylor for that.

[Bella]

Thank you so much for your validation, SharpAndBlunt! It was exactly like that! Possible punishment at school was nothing compared to the constant fear, never knowing what would happen, at home.
I guess excelling at school also gave me a sense that I wasn't all bad. As long as I performed I had a tiny bit of worth...

[zeekoctane]

I believe you can do well at school in spite of what is going on at home. I myself, was put to work paying the bills, cleaning the house, and being physically and mentally traumatized starting in the 2nd grade. I feared for my life every day. I never thought I would live to see 18 because my mom said I would be killed. At that point I found school was my only out and I used it to my benefit. I excelled to a point of skipping a grade in general studies and skipping several grades in math. It was all I had to look forward to. The kids were harsh at times and I was socially awkward, but my teachers did what they could to help me succeed. My scares are deep but I had a will to thrive.  If that is where you are at, you can do it. Use school to get a quality education and get out of the situation you are in. It will not take away the hurt, but it can get you out.

[Bella]

So sorry to hear you've been going through all that stuff, zeekoctane! Beeing scared for your life from such a young age, and stil be able to do so well in school is pretty remarkable!
I'm in my 40's now, and finished my studies many years ago. I've managed to get two different educations, the first one as a Preschool teacher, and the second as a Bio-engineer. I've had many different jobs, with the last one being an engineer within the field of pathology. My life changed dramatically after an operation 5 years ago. I became really ill, and it took me about 2 years to get out of bed! As I was getting better physically, every psychological defense mechanism I've ever used, came crashing down. Deep despair, fear, depression overwhelmed me. Been fighting this for about 3 years now. Last year I learned about CPTSD, and suddenly felt all the pieces fall into place. A childhood l thought was fairly ok, was not! I've not been able to get back to work, which is a sorrow really... Years of studies feels wasted, even though I have learned a lot. Which is valuable in itself off course. Have a hard time seeing a future, but I know it's there...
Your story is inspiring! The only thing one can do to get out of the "stuck-ness" is just keep going.
Thank you for commenting on my post!

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Bella

I performed well at school.  I was considered to be in the top flight of my high school.

I hadn't performed very well in infant school, mainly due to lots of absences because of really bad asthma.   I often found it hard to concentrate and motivate myself.  I often retreated into a world of fantasy.

However it all changed in middle school.  It was the first time I got any praise for academic performance. After that there was no stopping me!  I loved performing well and getting approval. I certainly wasn't getting that at home.

As I indicated earlier I continued being a model student at high school. I wouldn't describe school at a safe place, as I was bullied. But performing well gave me a sense of worth.

Sadly, that need for praise was a double edged sword. It lead to me developing bad habits such as perfectionism.  Also, no one ever guessed just how dysfunctional and damaging my home life was. All they saw was I was performing well.

[Bella]

Thank you for your comment, Snookiebookie2! I can really relate to the need for approval, and developing perfectionism as a consequence. It's an  extremely exhausting defense mechanism to have.

[woodsgnome]

I've tried several ways to describe the full story of grades and me, but there are so many twists and turns to it that I get tangled up trying to explain the whole mess. So I'll just try and lay out a rough backdrop.

So the basic summary is that I did reasonably to extremely well per grades at all levels, but both school (gr. k-12) and home environments were encrusted with abuse and trauma featuring as almost daily events. The school had religious ties, and its abusers (plus many of the bullies they shaped) hid their perversions deep within their 'blessed' exterior image. (to clarify, I always had a strong spiritual pull, but it increasingly seemed separate from the convoluted message I got from the 'authorities')

Learning-wise, though, I had a sort of 'inner code', I guess, for learning however and whatever I could, grades or no. Eventually the public library became my place for book learning. Almost paradoxically, all the combined trauma sharpened my hypervigilance (not always a bad thing I found out) to the point where I could discern the den of hypocrisy the combo of school and home was. My prime relief became my interior self.

Despite being extremely depressed and socially inept (never have fully recovered from either). I felt best when I wasn't at either school or home. I also either ran away or was kicked out of school a few times in high school. They wanted to cast as the derelict they judged me to be. One reaction on my part was especially the reverse of what they wanted -- I aced several top scores in all subjects except their branded religion classes, which I chose to fail as my message there (while enduring the heightened abusive reactions).

Okay, better end before I throw in some other factors. Bottom line is I guess I did 'learn' lots, some negative (about human evil disguised as 'good') but also lots of self-education which I was drawn to seek out wholly on my own.

Okay, one other huge factor. I was encouraged by a total stranger I met one day. He apparently was somewhat acquainted with the school I was attending (probably about grade 4 at the time), and without showing any obvious judgement about it, strongly encouraged me to "look into" what their true take on life was.

I never saw him again, but I call him the "Alley Angel" as he forever turned me on to seeking my own learning, starting with questioning authority (even though it cost me in terms of abuse over the years to come).

[Bella]

Thank you for your comment, Woodsgnome! The worst kind of evil are the "disguised as good"- evil! Sorry you had to go through that! 

[Gromit]

I was invisible at school and compliant, too scared of doing wrong, being told off. I was also bullied throughout school. I did ok, not brilliant but was in top set for maths, took it early. Did quite well in professional exams after school too, at work.

Of course, periods were erratic and immune system was awful, the one became completely regular once I left home, the other improved after therapy.

No, in my opinion, trauma does not necessarily mean you do badly at school but, perhaps I could have done better? If I had not been so scared of everything and everyone to try? To be honest I think I was more on edge at school, I could disappear into a book or the TV at home quite easily. It wasn't until I was older and wanting to do what normal teens and older did that things got more difficult.

G

[Bella]

Thank you, Gromit!
It's quite "amazing" how the body is affected by trauma. How everything is connected.
I've also had a lot of physical ailments throughout my life, which I now understand why. Especially hormonal irregularities, infections, and neurological issues like hypervigilance. Happy to hear things got better for you after moving out and getting therapy. Gives me hope!

[Alter-eg0]

In my experience, yes, you can. It depends on what coping mechanisms you develop, I think. For me personally, performing well was a way to keep everybody happy and avoid further abuse.
So I worked my * off, and did well. I was very good at blocking everything out (FREEZE) and just going on. For me, it wasn't until after school ended that the lid came off and I started having the worst symptoms.

[Rainydaze]

I mostly did very well academically through high school, college wasn't as easy but I still got quite good results considering what was going on at the time. Certainly at high school I had the mentality that I was doing something proactive that would help me leave home eventually, so I kept my head down and worked really hard. Socially I really struggled though and my self esteem was non existent; I didn't understand at the time how much this would hinder me. I had this dream scenario in my head of going to university at 18 and magically turning into a confident, social butterfly and having a great time. Unfortunately the opposite happened, university and the heavy emphasis on socialising completely overwhelmed me and I had what I consider now to be my first nervous breakdown. I ended up dropping out and going back to the environment that caused it all, with a weird kind of Stockholm's syndrome of feeling like I just wanted to go back to something familiar (even though it could be terrible) and to stay stuck in freeze mode.

It was such a mess looking back. I can see the reality of it having spent years dissecting it and learning about trauma though. Bella, it sounds like school possibly offered you stability and direction which allowed you to do better once out of the damaging home environment. Often when in the middle of trauma humans can be very resilient and not see their circumstances as being out of the ordinary, particularly when we're young and have never known any different.