никки's Journal Thoughts

[Dark.art.girl]

I used this alias, even though it's not much of an alias.
I told some of you guys in my introductory post that I'd start a journal and here it is. Just my daily thoughts/struggles.

The past few days have been a little difficult. Yesterday I slept until 3pm, and then proceeded to sleep again till 7pm.
I really hated the fact that I was so comfortable sleeping that long, and I also hated that I got nothing done.
There's a lot of anxiety I feel around not being productive, because my father (the narcissist) was totally type-A and hated when I slept till 12pm. He always called me lazy. I have a tattoo design that I'm so close to finishing, and I feel so guilty about it not being done yet because the guy who ordered it had ordered it a month ago and it was supposed to be done within two weeks. I was in the middle of a move, but my inner voice wants to say there aren't any excuses.

My fiancé tells me that if I want to be an artist, I have to draw every day. It has to be my life. And I want that more than anything in the world. All I want to do is draw all day. But I also know that I'm limited to a certain amount of tasks a day because of how foggy and slow I am--even with my adderall--and with my MIL (another type-A person, without the narcissism) doing so much around the house and having me do a bunch of things around the house too, I feel like it's impossible to manage my time. Without understanding all of my symptoms and where they came from, I was really depressed before about not being as productive as I can be. But I need to be easy on myself, because it's not my fault that my father morphed my brain into mush.
Luckily, my meds and caffeine help a lot with the productivity, but by a certain time in the day there's not much I can do. I crap out. I'm all out of fuel and there's literally nothing I can do anymore. I'm socially, physically, and mentally drained.

My whole life I've fought these wallowing thoughts of wishing I was "normal". Wishing I didn't have ADHD/ADD, wishing I didn't have this stupid auditory processing disorder, stress disorder, depression, C-PTSD whatever. I have days where I really let it get to me. I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself, but I'm trying really hard to be optimistic.

There's also the fact that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm actually proud of where I am in life, compared to how it could've been. I could've been gone so many years ago, and I kept fighting and surviving. It's exhausting surviving everyday, but I'll continue to do so if it's the only thing I can do. I can't give up.

Hugs to all of you, and thanks for reading. 

[Dark.art.girl]

OOO! I wanted to add too, that I have this issue that originated with my dad being so hardcore and my mother being at peace with her daily struggles. I never understood it till now.
My father would always say that there's no excuses for not being productive, or that "I always have an excuse for not getting things done". But on the other hand, my mother would always be very accepting of my limitations and daily obstacles. This lead to the constant conflict of judging myself for "enabling" my lack of productivity/motivation, or trying to accept that there's something more going on mentally that's holding me back.
So, now knowing my mother also has C-PTSD, I understand now why she was so accepting of how I reacted to stress, or had a lack of motivation or productivity. Because she has the same thing. Not to mention, my entire childhood up until a year ago I was very susceptible to illness. I got sick almost 5-6 times a year. My mother always said it was stress, and I sort-of believed her. My father never believed I was sick until he saw me sick, and then he felt bad and took care of me. The truth is, I was sick all the time because of stress, anxiety and anything else I was internalizing. Most of it came back to him, too. Ironically enough lol

But then I started really believing my mom when I went to treatment again and learned how the body keeps the score, and not to mention an article I found about the detriment of abuse/neglect/trauma/stress and what it does to your body. One of the things that stuck out to me the most, was the lower immune response. Here I was for years thinking I had an autoimmune disease, or my genes were messed up, thinking it might've been because I wasn't breastfed, etc.
No, it was just stress. Unbelievable. And the slight curve in my back? That was from hypervigilance and growing up with my back muscles so tense that it created scoliosis. Wow, I've learned a lot. LOL

[marta1234]

Hi Dark.art.girl, congrats on your first entry! I know how daunting sharing your story must be, so I'm very thankful that you found the courage to share.
I wanted to say that you're not alone in sleeping in for long hours during the day, and then having anxiety because of having "not been productive". When I'm too stressed out, I also sleep in for hours and feel too scared to get out of my bed and my comfort. I also relate to the anxiety because of lack of doing things, during my teens I used to be berated by my family for always slouching and staying in my bed. It was however, as you mentioned, because of the extreme anxiety and fear that I went through everyday.

I'm very sorry you had such a contrast in your home, it must have been very confusing. I hope me sharing some of m experiences (and hopefully not hijacking your thread) you see that you're not alone in having gone through these things. We're all here to support each other. Sending you a hug (if it's ok) and lots of support 

[Dark.art.girl]

@marta, I never mind when someone shares part of their story to relate to mine. I believe it helps me more, actually.
I only consider it hijacking when they go off about all of their own problems and disregard anything I've said; which you've never done. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your kind thoughts.
Seeing what everyone else replies with, or what other people have talked about or said on here makes a world of difference to me. Truly, it seems like every single thing I read resonates with me.

[Dark.art.girl]

Entry #2
Soooo last night I didn't fall asleep till probably around 4am. Woke up around 8:15. Felt like I was having a heart attack.
Ever since I had a brush with death having pneumonia last year, I'm a constant hypochondriac. It wasn't a panic attack, it was me just having chest soreness probably because of my lack of sleep.
I recently got off of my sleeping medication, which I was super proud of myself for. I hated feeling like I had to take it every night, along with the grogginess that followed every morning. At one point I was getting such deep and horrifyingly realistic night terrors I was scared to take it and fall asleep. But when I initially got off the drug, I was able to sleep the whole night through. But, now I've remembered why I was on those meds for so long. Not only do I wake up multiple times a night (only for a few seconds), but it also takes forever for me to fall asleep.
It didn't help that my MIL had divorce court this morning and disrupted my sleep by frantically trying to get online, only for her to call my FIL and say, "my attorney told me that maybe we should figure it out between ourselves instead of going to court. let's be fair, and let's not screw each other". I'm not upset with her at all, it's not her fault. She's like a second mother to me--but I had a lot of anxiety from this.
One reason being, we are all moving out of state within four months and it would really help for her to get as much money as she can so we can all be comfortable once we make it there. She just wants to be done with it, and make it civil. Me, knowing what divorce looks like from my parents, panicked at the thought that my FIL would totally screw her over. He's admitted he wanted to do so. Divorce isn't pretty, but we have priorities here. We're getting the heck out of California, so we need as much help as we can get. Of course, I'm not saying she should "suck him dry". But because of my own father and his financial manipulation, I get a LOT of anxiety when it comes to money. I'm not materialistic like him, nor do I care about having excessive wealth. I just want to feel comfortable, as does everyone else. So yeah, this morning wasn't fun.

BUT!!! On a good note, I read a bit of a book that my MIL got for me. It's called the The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. In this book, one of the first things that Julia Cameron teaches, is the Morning Pages. It's three pages of just absolutely anything that's on your mind once you wake up in the morning. That way, all of that stuff is out of the way. This allows the creative brain to keep flowing. I tried it this morning, and I thought it was somewhat helpful. This is helpful too.
I took my meds, and I think I'm ready for the day. Despite the fact that I want to avoid taking a shower when I really should. 

[Dark.art.girl]

Entry #3

Yesterday felt like a total blur. The night before I was having a super rough time, and my MIL was going to sleep on the couch in our room because my BIL was sleeping in the living room. I was just sobbing looking at old pictures of little me, pictures of my parents and I when they were still together. Pretty much mourning the loss (from abandonment) of my F. I was releasing a lot of emotions; grief I think.

She came in and said she was sleeping on our couch, which I wasn't aware of at the time. I don't even remember what I said, but I think it was along the lines of "Oh I didn't know" or "Let me talk to (my fiancé)".. Something stupid because I usually hide my tears and didn't want to prolong the conversation or have her ask what's wrong. She left the room.

The next day (yesterday), I had to take my BIL home which was around 2pm or so. She had to leave the house too to re-park her car. I didn't know she didn't have a key, and I had no idea what she was going to do while she had her car. It all happened so fast, and my brain couldn't keep track of it all.

When I got back into the apartment, I was otp with my best friend, and I hear the LOUDEST banging on the door. This was EXTREMELY triggering for me. I thought at first that it was police. I jumped out of my skin. I was trembling. Once I opened the door, she raised her voice at me (also triggering) saying that she had been locked outside the house for "hours" and she was freezing. Asking me why I had locked the door, and I don't know it's a habit. I apologized multiple times but she was MAD. I was still shaking for the next ten minutes. Why she didn't sit in her car and wait? I don't know.

But once my fiancé gets home, I hear bickering coming from the living room and he asks me "what happened tonight". I said she accidentally got locked out. He said, "that was just an unfortunate situation. She said you didn't let her sleep on the couch last night. She also said that you're (pretty much unproductive and can't do basic daily chores) because you didn't take the dishes out of the dishwasher".

Long story short, that morning, I had to do laundry and take dishes out of the dishwasher. I had done two loads of laundry and then before he got home from work later that night I opened the dishwasher to let some of the dishes dry more. I was going to do it.

No, she didn't express to me last night that she was upset about the "unfinished tasks". No, she doesn't understand what C-PTSD does, that I have it, or what ADHD looks like combined with it. I was going to talk to her about all of that stuff a few days back, but she left the house and disappeared for awhile.

In my opinion, and tell me if I'm wrong, I shouldn't be blaming myself or feeling as guilty or threatened as I do. I feel like because I'm not on the same Type-A energy she is, and because I was slow to do two tasks in one day, she thinks I'm not a good housewife or something. My fiancé got pretty pissed at her for her lack of communication, and from what it sounds like, she was calling me names or bashing me when he was in the living room. Super immature, and also super disrespectful. He wasn't putting up with it, thankfully.

I feel comfortable with talking to her, but if she's heightened or starts to raise her voice, I don't know how I will react. It can go one of two ways: either I become super reactive or I shut down completely and starting thinking inward with a sprinkle of self-loathing. I feel super misunderstood again. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on defending myself. I feel like no one will believe me, or will call it an excuse like my F always did.

When it comes to this condition, my fiancé tells me that I have to try everything I can to help before saying never. I just feel so black/white on this issue. I don't know how much I can do for this cognitive limitation stuff. Right now, I feel like a child about to get an EA punishment because I didn't do what I was asked to do. Very triggering, and I think I even had a flashback last night...

Also, my rational brain is bringing up a good point right now. When she first helped us move in, she specifically said that this is our home and not hers. That there should be one woman in charge of running the house, or else there's resentment. So why is she getting upset at me for doing the chores at my own pace??? She's been helping us with stuff around the apartment in return for us letting her stay part-time. But if it were just myself performing all of these tasks--which include every step of completing it--I wouldn't be so scattered and I would remember what needs to be done. Even without having started the dishes, I'm still somewhat capable of remembering that the dishes need to be removed from the dishwasher. Anyway, if she said that I run the duties of this home, then this is my responsibility and none of ir is her problem. She needs to back off.

Lmk your thoughts.

[marta1234]

Dark.art.girl, the situation you described with your MIL would have been very triggering for me indeed. For me, it would've triggered me to the EA I would receive from my brother, so I think you pointed it out right: you were flashing back to the EA you'd receive from your father.
Subtle changes in tone, louder and forceful definitely also is a trigger for me. I'm sorry you had to endure this confusion, and you're right, you shouldn't blame yourself. It's not your fault. The adverse reaction you're feeling is from childhood, and I can tell you that it wasn't your fault then and it isn't now (I hope I worded this right...).

I just wanted to say that I hear you, and I see your pain because of your parent. I understand the struggles to cope with everyday tasks, and the shame that comes with not being able to complete them fast enough. But alas, it is the undeserving EA that we received from our abuser(s) for not doing this perfect or as quick as possible that bring this big ball of shame at ourselves. Sending you love and support Dark.art.girl, and know that you're understood here and validated. Your pain is valid. You are valid with everything you have. 

[Dark.art.girl]

I thought I'd write here again since it's been a couple of months.
There's a lot going on right now. My fiance and I are in the middle of trying to move across the country, and I feel extremely useless right now. I've been going back and forth between having to sell my car so I have enough money to contribute. Everyone in my family is telling me not to, saying it would "take away [my] freedom and independence", but they don't know the whole story. Trying not to let that take over my thoughts. They haven't given me any money, and since I got fired I haven't had another job since. How do they think I've been surviving? My fiance has been taking care of me for almost a year now. Which I feel terrible about.
I can't feel any stress or process any of it. Instead, I've had a totally screwed up sleep schedule and no motivation to do anything at all. I can't even get myself to go grocery shopping. Oh yeah!! And get this, I'm on foodstamps and now they're cancelling that because I forgot to mail my monthly report. Forgot. Day after day.
It's been days and I've only packed one box. Why the heck can't my brain function AT ALL??? ADHD meds or not, caffeine or not, I can't do anything. It's like my brain has completely shut down and given up. Not to mention, my fiance is sick of me not being able to just say I'm sorry right away when I do something wrong. I have to wait until my defenses go down so I'm not mean, but now he's sick of me battling him so that's great.

Good news though, I reached out to my biological grandma today. She told me some things about my bio-dad. Her and I are so alike it's scary.. and now I know where I got my bold attitude from. LOL
Hope everyone is doing well.