никки's Journal Thoughts

[Dark.art.girl]

I used this alias, even though it's not much of an alias.
I told some of you guys in my introductory post that I'd start a journal and here it is. Just my daily thoughts/struggles.

The past few days have been a little difficult. Yesterday I slept until 3pm, and then proceeded to sleep again till 7pm.
I really hated the fact that I was so comfortable sleeping that long, and I also hated that I got nothing done.
There's a lot of anxiety I feel around not being productive, because my father (the narcissist) was totally type-A and hated when I slept till 12pm. He always called me lazy. I have a tattoo design that I'm so close to finishing, and I feel so guilty about it not being done yet because the guy who ordered it had ordered it a month ago and it was supposed to be done within two weeks. I was in the middle of a move, but my inner voice wants to say there aren't any excuses.

My fiancé tells me that if I want to be an artist, I have to draw every day. It has to be my life. And I want that more than anything in the world. All I want to do is draw all day. But I also know that I'm limited to a certain amount of tasks a day because of how foggy and slow I am--even with my adderall--and with my MIL (another type-A person, without the narcissism) doing so much around the house and having me do a bunch of things around the house too, I feel like it's impossible to manage my time. Without understanding all of my symptoms and where they came from, I was really depressed before about not being as productive as I can be. But I need to be easy on myself, because it's not my fault that my father morphed my brain into mush.
Luckily, my meds and caffeine help a lot with the productivity, but by a certain time in the day there's not much I can do. I crap out. I'm all out of fuel and there's literally nothing I can do anymore. I'm socially, physically, and mentally drained.

My whole life I've fought these wallowing thoughts of wishing I was "normal". Wishing I didn't have ADHD/ADD, wishing I didn't have this stupid auditory processing disorder, stress disorder, depression, C-PTSD whatever. I have days where I really let it get to me. I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself, but I'm trying really hard to be optimistic.

There's also the fact that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm actually proud of where I am in life, compared to how it could've been. I could've been gone so many years ago, and I kept fighting and surviving. It's exhausting surviving everyday, but I'll continue to do so if it's the only thing I can do. I can't give up.

Hugs to all of you, and thanks for reading. 

[Dark.art.girl]

OOO! I wanted to add too, that I have this issue that originated with my dad being so hardcore and my mother being at peace with her daily struggles. I never understood it till now.
My father would always say that there's no excuses for not being productive, or that "I always have an excuse for not getting things done". But on the other hand, my mother would always be very accepting of my limitations and daily obstacles. This lead to the constant conflict of judging myself for "enabling" my lack of productivity/motivation, or trying to accept that there's something more going on mentally that's holding me back.
So, now knowing my mother also has C-PTSD, I understand now why she was so accepting of how I reacted to stress, or had a lack of motivation or productivity. Because she has the same thing. Not to mention, my entire childhood up until a year ago I was very susceptible to illness. I got sick almost 5-6 times a year. My mother always said it was stress, and I sort-of believed her. My father never believed I was sick until he saw me sick, and then he felt bad and took care of me. The truth is, I was sick all the time because of stress, anxiety and anything else I was internalizing. Most of it came back to him, too. Ironically enough lol

But then I started really believing my mom when I went to treatment again and learned how the body keeps the score, and not to mention an article I found about the detriment of abuse/neglect/trauma/stress and what it does to your body. One of the things that stuck out to me the most, was the lower immune response. Here I was for years thinking I had an autoimmune disease, or my genes were messed up, thinking it might've been because I wasn't breastfed, etc.
No, it was just stress. Unbelievable. And the slight curve in my back? That was from hypervigilance and growing up with my back muscles so tense that it created scoliosis. Wow, I've learned a lot. LOL

[marta1234]

Hi Dark.art.girl, congrats on your first entry! I know how daunting sharing your story must be, so I'm very thankful that you found the courage to share.
I wanted to say that you're not alone in sleeping in for long hours during the day, and then having anxiety because of having "not been productive". When I'm too stressed out, I also sleep in for hours and feel too scared to get out of my bed and my comfort. I also relate to the anxiety because of lack of doing things, during my teens I used to be berated by my family for always slouching and staying in my bed. It was however, as you mentioned, because of the extreme anxiety and fear that I went through everyday.

I'm very sorry you had such a contrast in your home, it must have been very confusing. I hope me sharing some of m experiences (and hopefully not hijacking your thread) you see that you're not alone in having gone through these things. We're all here to support each other. Sending you a hug (if it's ok) and lots of support 

[Dark.art.girl]

@marta, I never mind when someone shares part of their story to relate to mine. I believe it helps me more, actually.
I only consider it hijacking when they go off about all of their own problems and disregard anything I've said; which you've never done. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your kind thoughts.
Seeing what everyone else replies with, or what other people have talked about or said on here makes a world of difference to me. Truly, it seems like every single thing I read resonates with me.

[Dark.art.girl]

Entry #2
Soooo last night I didn't fall asleep till probably around 4am. Woke up around 8:15. Felt like I was having a heart attack.
Ever since I had a brush with death having pneumonia last year, I'm a constant hypochondriac. It wasn't a panic attack, it was me just having chest soreness probably because of my lack of sleep.
I recently got off of my sleeping medication, which I was super proud of myself for. I hated feeling like I had to take it every night, along with the grogginess that followed every morning. At one point I was getting such deep and horrifyingly realistic night terrors I was scared to take it and fall asleep. But when I initially got off the drug, I was able to sleep the whole night through. But, now I've remembered why I was on those meds for so long. Not only do I wake up multiple times a night (only for a few seconds), but it also takes forever for me to fall asleep.
It didn't help that my MIL had divorce court this morning and disrupted my sleep by frantically trying to get online, only for her to call my FIL and say, "my attorney told me that maybe we should figure it out between ourselves instead of going to court. let's be fair, and let's not screw each other". I'm not upset with her at all, it's not her fault. She's like a second mother to me--but I had a lot of anxiety from this.
One reason being, we are all moving out of state within four months and it would really help for her to get as much money as she can so we can all be comfortable once we make it there. She just wants to be done with it, and make it civil. Me, knowing what divorce looks like from my parents, panicked at the thought that my FIL would totally screw her over. He's admitted he wanted to do so. Divorce isn't pretty, but we have priorities here. We're getting the heck out of California, so we need as much help as we can get. Of course, I'm not saying she should "suck him dry". But because of my own father and his financial manipulation, I get a LOT of anxiety when it comes to money. I'm not materialistic like him, nor do I care about having excessive wealth. I just want to feel comfortable, as does everyone else. So yeah, this morning wasn't fun.

BUT!!! On a good note, I read a bit of a book that my MIL got for me. It's called the The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. In this book, one of the first things that Julia Cameron teaches, is the Morning Pages. It's three pages of just absolutely anything that's on your mind once you wake up in the morning. That way, all of that stuff is out of the way. This allows the creative brain to keep flowing. I tried it this morning, and I thought it was somewhat helpful. This is helpful too.
I took my meds, and I think I'm ready for the day. Despite the fact that I want to avoid taking a shower when I really should. 

[marta1234]

Dark.art.girl, the situation you described with your MIL would have been very triggering for me indeed. For me, it would've triggered me to the EA I would receive from my brother, so I think you pointed it out right: you were flashing back to the EA you'd receive from your father.
Subtle changes in tone, louder and forceful definitely also is a trigger for me. I'm sorry you had to endure this confusion, and you're right, you shouldn't blame yourself. It's not your fault. The adverse reaction you're feeling is from childhood, and I can tell you that it wasn't your fault then and it isn't now (I hope I worded this right...).

I just wanted to say that I hear you, and I see your pain because of your parent. I understand the struggles to cope with everyday tasks, and the shame that comes with not being able to complete them fast enough. But alas, it is the undeserving EA that we received from our abuser(s) for not doing this perfect or as quick as possible that bring this big ball of shame at ourselves. Sending you love and support Dark.art.girl, and know that you're understood here and validated. Your pain is valid. You are valid with everything you have.