Mad that I'm Slow

[Dark.art.girl]

I've been drawing all day, and I haven't finished anything.
I don't think it's really my perfectionism as much as it is this lingering fog/slowness. I feel like I can't get anything done anymore. It's just gotten worse as I've gotten older, and I'm only 20. My memory and overall cognitive efficiency has just gotten progressively worse. I don't want to wallow because at least now I understand more of why I have these symptoms. However I just realized it doesn't make it any easier on feeling useless. Wondering if I'll ever make it to be the person I want to be, or if I'll be able to pursue the career of my dreams. I know in my introductory post I was super optimistic about pushing myself, but I also mentioned that I have my moments. This is one of my moments.
Even with my meds I can't FUNCTION like I used to. I don't even know what it feels like to have a clear mind anymore. I can't remember simple words or well-known names.
It feels like the time-span between being super productive and then crashing keeps getting shorter and shorter.
It reminds me of how, when I worked in the memory-care unit of a geriatric residential home, one of the nurses pointed to one of the gentlemen playing bingo and told me that he used to play with four bingo boards at a time. I then noticed that he only had one board in front of him, and it took a long time for him to find any numbers if he could even keep track of the numbers being said.
At first I thought it was because of my recreational drug use three years ago, but that is apparently not the case.
I'm angry at myself, and especially angry at my father. He made my brain into oatmeal. Lifelong impairment, apparently? But when I get angry, usually, it just turns into depression. So I guess I'm not really mad now, I'm just sad.
Thanks for listening.

[marta1234]

Hey Dark.art.girl, I just wanted to say that I feel you and I'm sorry you're struggling so much. The phrase "I'm mad that I'm slow" I've heard from my IC constantly for so many years. It's a hard battle that I do everyday to not punish myself for taking more time than the "average" person. Especially when I've done art, I've felt this fogginess and I can't concentrate. I just wanted to say that I relate, and also to your sentence about your abuser "turning your brain into oatmeal". It does feel like that (painfully though).

Sending you support and i hope you managed to let yourself be with your art (if you can) 

[Dark.art.girl]

It also sucks that people don't understand that IS a constant battle. Every single day. It can turn into a cycle sometimes. Feeling optimistic, getting some things done, not getting enough done as fast as you want to, getting angry/mad/sad. I appreciate that you replied and could relate, because living in a house with people who don't struggle with this can be really hard, and I can feel super misunderstood.

I want to put my life into this stuff, you know? It just feels like I've never got enough time to do what I want to do, do what I need to do, take care of myself, and maintain a schedule. How do people do it?? I have an order for a tattoo design that I haven't completed yet and it's been a month and a half. This poor guy is being so patient, and I feel so guilty that I haven't finished it yet. It's almost done but.. UGH How am I going to make it in life if I can only do like three tasks in one whole day?