outrunning the thing, recovery notes 421/a

[jamesG.1]

Hi all.

strangest times for me. Definitely escaping the thing now, no doubts on that now.

Recovery is not what you necessarily expect tho. It's all so nuanced, feelings you can't identify, fleeting moods that can't be identified that swing in and out of your mind and which you can't always be bothered to chase. I'll try and sum all this up, but it's hard. There's just so little information and guidance on the final end of things. Plenty on the worst of it, but now I'm here I feel very on my own somehow.

The first thing to say is that , as always, PTSD of any kind does not have a linear recovery. As you come out of it, you go back in. You have to expect it and then that's all fine. Don't expect it and it can feel alarming. It's very clear to me now that the trauma caused trauma in that the experience of having c-ptsd was every bit as bad as what created it. Any sense of drifting back into that whirlpool causes panic and I have to rationalise it back into place and nail it back down. Which I do, of course, but I do it again and again and again. It's a lot like brushing messy hair (which I used to have), it doesn't take one brush through the tangle to sort it out, it takes 20, 30, 50. PTSD is like that, you have to keep teaching your mind again and again that you are OK, safe, back in control.

The feeling of recovery is all about the absence of things, stuff that has been lurking and aggravating which is suddenly gone, like some distant hum that you only hear when it stops. I'm convinced that my hardworking adrenals just decided to stop throwing cortisol at me, it was really so sudden. The next sensation once they went was an acute but not very long-lasting depression that took a lot of effort not to show. I believe in talking and sharing emotions, but this abrupt change couldn't really be expressed as it was so fast-changing so I rode it out and waited til the smoke cleared before talking about it with my partner.

It was very telling I think, that so much of my relationship fear and over sensitivity then faded. My trauma was caused by being stuck in place with an alcoholic while being overworked and under attack from a narcissist. Personal relationships are my kryptonite. Many times I've just wanted to run for the hills and give up, feeling that weathering the dynamics of even the best relationships are just not worth the trouble. I'm glad I didn't do that. coming down off my stress hormones I can finally see just how much they were controlling my perceptions.

Post cortisol I'm also less prone to be driving myself so hard. One reason I cracked was that I had four major stress driving situations put on me that I couldn't avoid and which then went on for 5-6 years without break, all escalating as they went. Work was a big part of this and when I left my alcoholic ex and my mother died and I started to hit the ditch, my reaction was to slam my foot down hard on the accelerator and close my eyes, hoping that sheer effort would get me out of trouble. And yes, it did, I'm thriving now to a ridiculous extent. Insane improvements all stemming from this reaction, but at what cost? I'm exhausted.

Now that I'm feeling safe and my career and homelife are back on track, I'm able to ease off the peddle, change down a gear and start looking out of the window a bit. I've done well, really well, but it's enough for now. Now I have to start repairing. I'm watching more TV, checking my accounts less, contacting less clients, and starting less projects. I'm set for three years with work and my books are selling. It has been a mostly lonely battle, but I'm here. I'm alive, independent and free, for the first time in my life maybe.

My dreams have changed too, mostly now they are random and silly things about nothing, almost enjoyable. Occasionally though, like last night, they tap into my trauma, but they are not literal replays anymore, nor are they anxiety dreams about things coming back to haunt me. They are regret dreams, mostly about my ex-partner and the person she had been before the booze took her. It's a tragic story, heartbreaking, and it happened to me as well as her. Her death was pitiable, pointless and lonely, but it was also avoidable. She chose not to avoid it.

This all leaves my brother as the sole surviving threat to my peace of mind. A chronic bullying narcicist, he would still dearly love to wreck my life again, just as he did before, but his power has waned just as mine has increased. Like most narcs, they can only really work their low cunning if they have a hostage or two, but mine are all dead so he's not really got anything to play with. His attitude to health is pathetic and he's always been an impending coronary with legs, my guess is the next and last contact will be related to that. I will ignore it.

One annoying thing tho is that I'm still getting random energy drops, often following getting cold, particularly in the legs. This seems to have been around since the symptoms of PTSD first appeared but is persisting. I can't find any help on that one at all. It's pretty distinctive.

I think now that the key to the final stages of this thing are pretty simple.

1. Rest. Give in to the urges to ease up and sleep, embrace leisure and let my brain heal.

2. Be ready for relapses. They will come. See it as natural and acceptable.

3. Don't rush to use new energy. It's a lot like grabbing your phone before it's finished charging. I need to let the charging have its time.

4. Plan for cruise speed and not for a sprint.

5. Concentrate on those people that are part of your life map who are on your side and in the present. Forget people who I have felt the need to convince about my situation. They may never get it, and trying to convince people is hugely self-destructive. Let them go.

6. Create for pleasure, not for work. I've learned how to make money out of my art and writing, but it's not helping to make it another stressor, another plough to pull.

7. Accept limitations. I've had a pretty serious illness, I've worked very hard to dodge a bullet with my name on it, its been intense and its been dangerous. It has left lasting issues, some weaknesses that cannot be dodged. I have to work with these realities and not try to push through any more. I'm increasingly proud of my recovery but I've probably recovered enough to start living instead of fighting and I have nothing to prove to anyone with my art and work.

8. Harden up. I'd been too trusting, to eager to please and too compassionate. It went one direction and it nearly did for me. That has to change. It won't make me a heartless cruel person, just rounded. Besides, I've done enough. It's time to live for myself and to have relationships that do not have such extremes of give and take.

9. Connect. Lockdown allowing, it's time to seek out old connections that count and new connections that are fulfilling. The world cannot be shaped by my antagonists. The world is not full of monsters, just a tiny number, the rest are fine, some even, are wonderful.

10. Nature. Even small amounts have an electric healing effect on me... astonishing really. I need as much as I can soak up.

that's it for now. Needed to pour it out.

[mojay]

Hello! Thank you for sharing! I think this is a very truthful representation of how CPTSD recovery feels and shows itself. It feels so validating to know I'm not alone.

Edit: I apologize, I had misread your post and thought you were saying "energy drops in the legs"   
Original response below for clarity's sake.


Relating to your leg pain: I suffer from physical effects of chronic stress in my lower back and my legs. One thing I have learned is that over-production of cortisol can affect circulation which can cause fatigue in the lower half of the body. My understanding is that too much cortisol will dilate blood vessels in the arms and legs causing blood to pool resulting in fatigue and pain. The general term I've heard for this is "Autonomic Neuropathy", another term I heard a lot was "veinous insufficiency" and the related condition of "Chronic Veinous Insufficiency."
What has helped me:

• I follow non-surgical and non-medicinal treatment recommendations for chronic veinous insufficiency.
• I use compression socks (the kind that go all the way to the knee).
• When I am working, I limit my standing and sitting to 30 minutes at a time with breaks for stretches that flex my legs and feet.
• I will also walk around during these breaks and try to elevate my heart rate with jumping jacks.
• When I sleep or am relaxing I will elevate my legs above my heart and use a heating pad for the joint pain.
• I have been trying to get into a better exercise routine to improve my heart health and strengthen my muscles.

I really hope any bit of this information is of use!! Leg fatigue can be so draining and painful on top of the draining and painful reality of PTSD recovery!