Healing Update - crystals and rocks, anyone?

[Amnesia71]

Hello CPTSD Forum,

I joined you in 2016 but haven't returned since. So hello again!

I was terrified of what was inside my head when I joined this forum (age 45). I learned over decades that there's no therapy for it, confirming the original trauma (the 'nobody believes' energy). I kept my sense of humor, but lost a marriage and house in 2017 while I hit the darkest part of my journey.  I was still stumbling through my life in a fear-based 'performance mode.' Then I'd forget any connections I'd made. This made sense as I was trafficked very young and had to perform then erase everything from 'grandma's house.' 

A homeless alcoholic step-daughter was the catalyst to my divorce as I tried to protect her disabled son (dwarfism) and let go of her. I did get her into treatment after her dad left me, so there's that. But all that severe alcohol fueled drama over 15 years had both my ex and myself at the end of our ability to cope. We were the last two people in the family still involved.

I got a trauma therapist, not realizing how important it was to see someone familiar with SRA's effect at different developmental stages. I joined the local liberal religion (Unitarians) and learned MINDFULNESS from their Buddhist group. Their Sacred Circle group taught me PRESENCING and connecting with nature. The therapist validated my infantile attachment symptoms while carefully planting seeds that grew as I integrated.

I've stayed on my path and love journaling / writing. Some day I'll write books on how to break the lies we learn under age five. I became aware of entire sections of my brain that had been abandoned under age 3 as 'not allowed.' Layers of pure fear (with physiological symptoms) for having thoughts/feelings. Reaching for 'my light.' Any reaching for anything. Lots of object-permanence related anxiety. 

Now at over 3 years of awakening/integration, I'm finding the most valuable tool I've come across is CRYSTAL HEALING. Of all things!  A Shungite rock around my neck started 'humming' while I was journaling in May. I habitually took it off and got the tingling into my left hand. Center of palm, then up arm, through vagal nerve, out the other arm.

Within a couple months that rock felt like a planet in my right hand. Pulsing strong, soft, nothing, then strong again. I do it with my consciousness somehow - higher self and higher perspective = more reaction and changing energies. Energy coming in on the left, then wielded on the right. I now have over 20 crystal points that all feel different. I feel like I'm plugged into source and making a conduit. I release layers of fear and shame every day by holding the rocks and rolling my eyes around, breathing deep through the pain in my chest. Visualizing the pain leaving my body.

So I'm feeling reiki pulses or qi or prana or something. Thank you, Universe. I was a Penn and Teller fan, debunking anything like this until it happened to me. I believe it has to do with being very practiced at going IN and OUT of your body.  I went through a lucid dreaming phase in my 20's where I would awaken with the same tingling in my palms. But I'm still very much in the dark. My conditioning on Planet Ernest left me terrified of learning and very good at hiding my intelligence.

Is anybody else turning their bodies into electrical conduits with rocks? Or putting intentions into crystals? I feel the pulses without crystals now. Through my fingers and onto/into anything. I'll include here that I started micro-dosing psilocybin in February and was on psilocybin 1/2 gram when this started. I've also been using THC to 'activate ChildMind'. I assume it's easier to reach that part of my mind on THC because Ernest drugged us. 

And, finally, I have an amazing sister who empowered herself and joined another SRA survivor during this Covid Time to bring back the topic of SADISTIC child abuse (and other things) via podcasts. They took the time to find every article that ever covered the phenomenon in Salt Lake City, where so many of us were tortured. It's all listed chronologically on their site.

https://whatweknowpod.com/chronology-of-organized-sexual-abuse-investigations-media-reports-and-professional-judicial-legislative-religious-and-child-protection-responses/

Ernest's sadism was advanced and he was well connected. I'll include his obituary here for anyone else in the Salt Lake area. He died 40 years ago, but undoubtedly used his power to molest dozens through his career. I don't know any of his victims beyond my immediate family. I'm the 2nd of 5 kids. I doubt anybody is still standing in his corner after all this time.