Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

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Hope67

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #600 on: January 17, 2021, 10:03:44 AM »
Hi alliemat,

Wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I hope you were able to get some better sleep. 

Hope  :)

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mojay

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #601 on: January 18, 2021, 01:02:34 AM »
I got TWO responses from a group of 19 people, they were hearts on my comment. Maybe I’m being unfair, selfish, and self-pitying, but that hurt.  I would have liked for at least someone to say, “Thank you for being concerned.” ... I wonder if we’re just more comfortable offering our thoughts to the sick than we are to those who are emotionally hurting.

I wonder, too, if people are just uncomfortable when I talk about dealing with depression. Is it me? Are people just tired of my “what about me?” attitude that I fear I’m projecting? 
Alliematt, I don't think it is unfair, selfish or self-pitying to feel hurt by the group's response. I think you were very brave and compassionate to reach out to them and offer a safe place for them to talk. I'm so sorry that they have let you down, I can see how that would be hurtful :c
I agree with your thought that people are more comfortable offering concern to those with physical illness rather than discussing emotional hurt - especially when it comes to depression. I do not think it is "you" at all. More of a cultural thing in my humble opinion.

And why do I feel like I have to do all of this alone?
We're here with you on OOTS!! I hope it's not too intrusive to say: please think of us if you ever feel terribly alone. I know it's not a replacement for your other relationships, but we see you and hear you. Sending you a hug if that's okay with you  :hug:

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #602 on: January 25, 2021, 05:55:17 PM »
:: snarl :: Did not sleep well last night.

Sunday I sang on praise team and got compliments.  :) But when I saw myself on our YouTube video, I thought, I look like an absolute blimp. I'm ashamed and embarrassed at the way I look. Then I want to cry and eat more. How do you exercise and make good food choices when you're tired all the time and that gives you brain fog?

I need to get to work for today.  AND, last week I found out my son's vo-tech caseworker left; which means I have to get used to yet ANOTHER caseworker (we talk Friday at 3:30). AND I'm getting in touch with what are called supported employment vendors, people who help other people get jobs.

I should not have to do this! My son should be graduating from college right about now and looking for his own job; but since he has autism, that isn't going to happen!

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #603 on: February 10, 2021, 06:50:37 PM »
It's over. As of 1:15 today, my son is no longer a public school student. Today was his age out day. He got so much stuff for a going away party that his teacher and their assistant followed the bus home to deliver everything!

I have so many mixed emotions. I'm sure I will need to take my time to process stuff. (I did tell my son to "decompress" because he had earned it!)

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #604 on: February 19, 2021, 12:17:17 PM »
Guys, I AM EXHAUSTED. My body is just screaming that it's exhausted.  All week I've done practically nothing but play Sims and work on proofing. I've already done over 4000 pages of proofing and the year is only 50 days old. I did open a bank account for my son on Tuesday (and because I forgot that my husband takes the car that day, my son and I used Uber for the first time!) I have an assignment due today and I can't get going on it. DH is also stressed. He had major phone duty yesterday. We're playing phone tag with people who are going to replace our roof. And I have a phone call with my son's voc rehab counselor this afternoon.

 :fallingbricks:

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #605 on: March 03, 2021, 12:01:30 PM »
Why did I get picked on as a child? This is the question I can't answer or can't get answered.

The spiritual abuse as a college student I can understand because that wasn't personal. That was a system that was used to abuse people and I was not the only victim there.

The bullying?  That was personal. That was targeted.

I once counted up 40 different people who bullied me in one way or another through 12 years of school. Now, obviously, if that many people bullied me, and I'm the common denominator, it must be me, right? What did I do that was so horrible that people felt like it was okay to bully me? What was it about me that attracted bullies? Was I that bad? was I that weird?

And for the third week in a row, I'm not going to get to the gym. I was doing SO WELL and then got hit with a bunch of work . . . AND I NEED TO WORK TO PAY OFF DEBT. We just borrowed money to have the roof repaired. It will have to be paid back.

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #606 on: March 04, 2021, 05:31:32 PM »
I just plain feel sad today.  I've had bad dreams (not nightmares) during the last couple of days; I'm obsessed with, does a particular person like or hate me (a person I see at church) and I shouldn't BE so obsessed; I have proofing work due tomorrow and I'm not in the mood to do it, and I'm just so sad about what is currently going on in the world. And I'm worried about my son's future. I'm worried that there will be no one for him when we're gone.

I need someone or somewhere to say this, but who and where?

And when I think about worry or fear, I hear myself saying to my mother -- after telling her I thought I was "going crazy" -- "That's what I'm afraid of" and her screaming back at me, "That's all I ever hear from you! I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

When she said that, I was 17, had gone through 12 years of bullying, and my parents had just pulled me off the school bus due to said bullying. And I had a bad relationship with my boyfriend; he didn't give me the courtesy to tell me that we had broken up.

So yeah, I was afraid then, and I'm afraid now.  :'( :'( :'( :'(

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #607 on: March 08, 2021, 05:33:06 PM »
I'm recovering from being ill, have a lot on my plate today, the roof is being fixed Thursday . . . and I just plain feel unhappy. And I feel guilty for feeling unhappy. I have had a load to carry for too long and I'm just tired, as I have been for a very long time.

 :fallingbricks:  :'( :'( :'(

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Jazzy

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #608 on: March 09, 2021, 12:50:48 AM »
Sounds like you have a lot going on right now, and things are difficult. I think it's pretty reasonable to be unhappy when you're overburdened and tired (not to mention chronically scared and stressed). Maybe you can do a bit of self care? It's okay to rest for a while sometimes, especially when you're ill.

I hope you feel better soon!  :hug: if you would like.

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #609 on: March 09, 2021, 02:18:39 PM »
I was in and out of bed all weekend. And even then, I needed to help my husband in applying for our loan online. We had a minor bit of panic when we saw “your closing documents have expired, please call . .  .” And did another loan application.  I had a rough time being patient with my husband. He is not as computer savvy as I am.

I ended up calling the bank on Monday and finding out that no, we didn’t need do another loan application, we just needed to call the bank. So we’ve both electronically signed the documents and the people will be coming to replace the roof on Thursday.