Blues Cruise's Journal

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blues_cruise

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Blues Cruise's Journal
« on: December 28, 2020, 06:08:41 PM »
Not sure how to start this! I've thought about starting a recovery journal for a while though, so here I am.  :) Hoping to use this as a way to express myself when I need to, get thoughts down in writing rather than having them endlessly cycling around my head and to move forwards.

I'm so very glad that Christmas and my birthday are done with. November and December are always really stressful months and I find that the season just passes me by with little significance, other than me being noticeably busier and more stressed out by obligation. I'm already looking ahead to spring and keeping an eye on the evenings getting later (excrutiatingly slowly, but it's started happening!)

I randomly logged in to Facebook for the first time in ages yesterday and found that I had a friend request from someone I used to work with. She deactivated her account a few years ago and then activated it again a few months ago. Obviously she's bored over the holiday season and hoping for a snoop, because we were never close or had anything in common. This is the kind of shallow interaction I'm making an effort to move away from because it's just pointless and I have no real time, inclination or energy for it. Needless to say I've ignored the request. There's nothing to see anyway, I don't interact with it other than to look something up now and again if I need to. Once upon a time ignoring a friend request like this would have been unheard of for me and as a people pleaser I would have accepted it to be 'polite', so I'm actually quite pleased that I've recognised the need for that boundary.  :)

Leading on from that, I'm hoping to become more comfortable in my skin as time goes by. I hope this leaves me more open to attracting healthier, respectful people into my life rather than the self-absorbed acquaintances I've been entertaining for the last few years.  I hope to be able to be more authentic too and to give more of myself to people. I haven't in the past for fear of being rejected, but that only leads to 'friendship' based on a fake persona that I've created. I'm trying to 'be' a bit more often and to do things I enjoy so I can learn who I actually am and try to respect myself more. Toxic people seem to have a radar that alerts them to potentially suitable targets and I think I've been leaving myself open to being manipulated and used by people like that for far too long. It's slow work, but I'm getting there in accepting that it's OK to stand my ground on things and to not say "yes" to everything.
« Last Edit: December 28, 2020, 06:19:47 PM by blues_cruise »

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blues_cruise

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Re: Blues Cruise's Journal
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2021, 11:06:06 AM »
I've been having weird dreams for the last couple of days, which hasn't happened for a long time. Last night's was upsetting and surprising. I dreamed that my father had died and surprisingly I was inconsolable. I ended up back at my childhood home though only to find him standing in the hallway, looking a bit younger and in a good mood. I cried and cried. Then my mum came downstairs and I told her that none of it was real - couldn't she see that? She had already died 17 years ago for a start and now he was dead but both were standing there acting and looking the same as they would have been around 2001, as though nothing had changed. It was like entering a time warp.

And now I'm crying for real recalling it, because it's just plain sad. I've truly started to see how my father's behaviour stems from unconsciously acting out what he was taught from his own parents and to an extent I have compassion for that and can start to forgive it, the thing I can't forgive is how he would continue to try to hurt me if I allowed it by having contact with him. No contact helps but I never feel truly at peace and I don't think I will ever truly grieve and find peace until he no longer exists in physical form. Is it too much to admit that? It's such a taboo thing and really hard to describe because I don't wish death on him, but I feel it will be a relief when I'm no longer looking over my shoulder or feeling like I have to keep my head down out of shame for choosing no contact. I have so many complicated feelings surrounding this and I think the dream was my subconscious trying to figure some of it out. Things like him falling ill and whether I would break no contact for it, or if I would go to the funeral where hearing him being glorified and misrepresented would be a kick in the teeth, plus all the judgement and whispers from his friends about me, possible attacks on my character...I really don't think I would be down for any of the funeral stuff. Would I see him on his death bed though if it came to that? I possibly would, I don't know. It's a painful, horrible prospect regardless. 

Fact is, as much as healthy reconciling would be great it is just not realistic. Even if he were genuine about it to begin with he's got Wormtongue (his wife) living with him whispering in his ear, which makes his behaviour worse. She's pretty horrible frankly and nearly as bad as him when it comes to antisocial behaviour. As soon as I 'stepped out of line' again the awful behaviour would ramp up. He's textbook as far as cluster B personalities go and I'm not willing to risk sacrificing my peace again. He doesn't understand or respect boundaries either and it would be back to risking him turning up at my home or workplace unannounced to cause drama and trouble, just...no. I feel pretty judged by siblings and extended family for being no contact but they have the luxury of having so much distance from this man! If he starts acting up they can simply put the phone down on him and that's that. When still in contact if he acted up with me and I put the phone down, living only 20 minutes away I would get harassed and have my home and workplace boundaries violated as punishment. It is absolutely exhausting, humiliating and unfair having to deal with that and I've had my fill of it. So no, breaking no contact is not an option right now while he is still able to drive. I need to aim to stop taking sole responsibility and feeling shame for no contact and just see it for the necessary boundary that it is, because although I've chosen this route for my own sanity it's his behaviour that's forced it to become necessary.

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Hope67

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Re: Blues Cruise's Journal
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2021, 11:20:47 AM »


 No contact helps but I never feel truly at peace and I don't think I will ever truly grieve and find peace until he no longer exists in physical form. Is it too much to admit that? It's such a taboo thing and really hard to describe because I don't wish death on him, but I feel it will be a relief when I'm no longer looking over my shoulder or feeling like I have to keep my head down out of shame for choosing no contact.

Hi Blues Cruise,
I only read as far as here, but this part really resonates so much with me, and my own experience, and I am grateful to you for articulating that - maybe some people might feel it's taboo to admit it, but I feel that too, and I agree it's sad.

Sending you a hug, if you would like one  :hug:

Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Blues Cruise's Journal
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2021, 02:35:24 PM »
Blues Cruise,
I feel sad hearing the pain and turmoil you are experiencing.

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deepbreaths

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Re: Blues Cruise's Journal
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2021, 04:44:34 AM »


 No contact helps but I never feel truly at peace and I don't think I will ever truly grieve and find peace until he no longer exists in physical form. Is it too much to admit that? It's such a taboo thing and really hard to describe because I don't wish death on him, but I feel it will be a relief when I'm no longer looking over my shoulder or feeling like I have to keep my head down out of shame for choosing no contact.

Hi Blues Cruise,
I only read as far as here, but this part really resonates so much with me, and my own experience, and I am grateful to you for articulating that - maybe some people might feel it's taboo to admit it, but I feel that too, and I agree it's sad.

 :yeahthat:
 I really felt this, too. I've been NC with my F for several years and still have nightmares and, I don't know that fantasies is the right word, but imaginings, that he will show back up in my life at work or my home. I also question what I would do if he were ill or if I would attend a funeral. I don't have any good answers, but you are definitely not alone in these worries.

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blues_cruise

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Re: Blues Cruise's Journal
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2021, 01:26:40 PM »
Thank you for the comments to my previous entry and for sharing your thoughts.  :grouphug:  Another one of those things which only people here can ever really understand, since most people would just never experience harassment and bullying from their own parent.

11th March 2021

I've come to realise just recently how much I've been placing the perception of myself and my own self-esteem in the hands of other people. I'm coming to see that I don't need validation from my siblings, from other people or society at large. I also don't need to share anything that I'm not comfortable with or to even give strangers the opportunity to judge me on it in the first place. Given that I'm the one who has experienced abuse from a parent, my own opinion should matter to me the most. I may feel shame but it doesn't mean that I AM shameful or bad. I've been doing the best I can within a very unusual and difficult set of circumstances. I'm reading a book on CBT methods to overcome low self-esteem and it's really helping me see how flawed my thinking is with regard to how I see myself and others.

One example is defaulting to automatically assuming that if someone thinks poorly of me for whatever reason then it must mean that there is something horrible or wrong about me or how I've treated them. My brain has been hardwired on this belief to the point that I actively ruminate on anything I could have possibly done wrong and then shame myself for it. I can see how this defence mechanism was created: I had to preempt everything I did or said when I was growing up. If it wasn't my father I was walking on eggshells around then it was my undiagnosed childhood friend, who I strongly suspect looking back had symptoms of BDP. I often wonder if she ever did gain enough self awareness to ever get a diagnosis, because she had such textbook symptoms looking back and really struggled to regulate her emotions. There was a narcissistic streak to it too because she would never acknowledge wrongdoing or seem to feel particularly bad about how she treated other people. She was such a damaging person to spend so much time with and we were literally joined at the hip. I allowed her to walk all over me thinking that I was really lucky to have her, plus she got really jealous and possessive if I tried being friendly with other people and would give me the silent treatment every day practically. It was actually like an abusive relationship and looking back it's really odd and unlucky that it happened so young alongside having such a dysfunctional parent. Also, looking back on it with adult eyes and a bit more sense of self I can't believe I put up with it! If I had been fortunate enough to have a healthy friendship network then I might not have ended up so damaged.

Who knows though, although it's handy to have insight into how the C-PTSD developed there's no point in ruminating on what could have been. I've learned from it and now I'm an independent adult and understand boundaries far better I no longer willingly have contact with any toxic people. I'm trying to become a bit more at peace with that, because I do think I've shamed myself for no contact far too much (as in like, all the time, every day) and not placed enough emphasis on the other person's responsibility leading up to it. You can't just continue treating someone horribly and expect them to just put up with it, it's ridiculous.