Rainydaze's Journal

[Rainydaze]

Not sure how to start this! I've thought about starting a recovery journal for a while though, so here I am.  Hoping to use this as a way to express myself when I need to, get thoughts down in writing rather than having them endlessly cycling around my head and to move forwards.

I'm so very glad that Christmas and my birthday are done with. November and December are always really stressful months and I find that the season just passes me by with little significance, other than me being noticeably busier and more stressed out by obligation. I'm already looking ahead to spring and keeping an eye on the evenings getting later (excrutiatingly slowly, but it's started happening!)

I randomly logged in to Facebook for the first time in ages yesterday and found that I had a friend request from someone I used to work with. She deactivated her account a few years ago and then activated it again a few months ago. Obviously she's bored over the holiday season and hoping for a snoop, because we were never close or had anything in common. This is the kind of shallow interaction I'm making an effort to move away from because it's just pointless and I have no real time, inclination or energy for it. Needless to say I've ignored the request. There's nothing to see anyway, I don't interact with it other than to look something up now and again if I need to. Once upon a time ignoring a friend request like this would have been unheard of for me and as a people pleaser I would have accepted it to be 'polite', so I'm actually quite pleased that I've recognised the need for that boundary. 

Leading on from that, I'm hoping to become more comfortable in my skin as time goes by. I hope this leaves me more open to attracting healthier, respectful people into my life rather than the self-absorbed acquaintances I've been entertaining for the last few years.  I hope to be able to be more authentic too and to give more of myself to people. I haven't in the past for fear of being rejected, but that only leads to 'friendship' based on a fake persona that I've created. I'm trying to 'be' a bit more often and to do things I enjoy so I can learn who I actually am and try to respect myself more. Toxic people seem to have a radar that alerts them to potentially suitable targets and I think I've been leaving myself open to being manipulated and used by people like that for far too long. It's slow work, but I'm getting there in accepting that it's OK to stand my ground on things and to not say "yes" to everything.

[Hope67]

No contact helps but I never feel truly at peace and I don't think I will ever truly grieve and find peace until he no longer exists in physical form. Is it too much to admit that? It's such a taboo thing and really hard to describe because I don't wish death on him, but I feel it will be a relief when I'm no longer looking over my shoulder or feeling like I have to keep my head down out of shame for choosing no contact.

Hi Blues Cruise,
I only read as far as here, but this part really resonates so much with me, and my own experience, and I am grateful to you for articulating that - maybe some people might feel it's taboo to admit it, but I feel that too, and I agree it's sad.

Sending you a hug, if you would like one 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Blues Cruise,
I feel sad hearing the pain and turmoil you are experiencing.

[deepbreaths]

No contact helps but I never feel truly at peace and I don't think I will ever truly grieve and find peace until he no longer exists in physical form. Is it too much to admit that? It's such a taboo thing and really hard to describe because I don't wish death on him, but I feel it will be a relief when I'm no longer looking over my shoulder or feeling like I have to keep my head down out of shame for choosing no contact.

Hi Blues Cruise,
I only read as far as here, but this part really resonates so much with me, and my own experience, and I am grateful to you for articulating that - maybe some people might feel it's taboo to admit it, but I feel that too, and I agree it's sad.

I really felt this, too. I've been NC with my F for several years and still have nightmares and, I don't know that fantasies is the right word, but imaginings, that he will show back up in my life at work or my home. I also question what I would do if he were ill or if I would attend a funeral. I don't have any good answers, but you are definitely not alone in these worries.

[Rainydaze]

25th November 2021

Have been grieving a lot lately and crying over broken relationships, wondering what's so awful about me and why I'm so unloveable. It's been one long emotional flashback triggered by present day disappointment. I've connected it to all the inner child parts in me who each experienced emotional neglect at various life stages. I think the patterns are just repeating themselves due to my childlike hope for change and poor emotional boundaries. I couldn't sleep last night so had cuddles with my dog, who as always was eager to snuggle under the blanket and be as close to me as possible.

It struck me that this is what unconditional love, emotional availability and connection looks like. There are no stupid mind games or repeated rejections. When she needs her space she takes it and when she needs something from me she vocalises it. It's so straightfoward. I'm so thankful that my husband is emotionally available too and that I didn't repeat the cycle in my marriage. He doesn't always get it right of course, humans don't, but he does consistently act in good faith and considers my feelings.

My mind feels a bit clearer this morning after some fairly okay sleep (still broken, but quite good for me) and a good session of yoga where the focus was upon letting things go. I can see that I need to reduce my expectations of people. I also think that when someone shows me who they truly are, I really do need to believe them the first time and stop making excuses for their toxic behaviour. I have a lot of empathy for what other people are going through and understand that this can influence their behaviour, however I end up prioritising their needs above my own and assume far too much responsibility for their actions (or inaction). I think I'm at the point where I need to let go and accept that the distance and very low contact/superficial connection they've put in place is probably for the best. It's resistance to this and fantasing about things being better which causes the ongoing pain.

The responsibility thing really is key. When someone repeatedly hurts me, that's my cue to look at the relationship and consider what I can do to protect myself. The same applies to others too. If I'm inadvertently hurting them then they have control in the sense that they can either communicate this to me or choose to put boundaries in place. I think there are going to be many more tears and heartache but I hope I can find some way to move on and have healthy emotional boundaries.

[Blueberry]

I have the feeling I haven't seen you around for a while so sending  tho I don't have time to read just now, sry.

[Rainydaze]

Aww thank you Blueberry, good to see you. 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

i was struck by your words about wondering what was wrong with you, why you've been unlovable.  i came to a point in my processing where those same thoughts ran thru my head.  then, i had a shift - it wasn't me who was unlovable, or flawed in some way that i wasn't worth their time/energy.  rather, the flaw was in them.  they wouldn't/couldn't/or didn't know how to love someone, and it wasn't that i wasn't worth their love, but that the worthlessness was within them.  i might not have been worth anything to them except someone to abuse, ignore, whatever else might have gone down, but that didn't mean i was worthless. 

it's a tough one - for some reason, we've become stuck believing that whatever might go wrong in our relationships, it's our responsibility, our fault, some basic worthlessness.  i just want to say pooh to anyone who has made you feel that way, blues_c.  they were wrong to do that.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry you are hurting right now. I agree with the things you wrote...that it's very tempting to accept and put up with behaviors that hurt YOU if the focus is on the other person...what THEY need, or what THEY are going through, or WHY they are acting that way. It comes from such a loving and accepting place, except we end up not loving and accepting ourselves and what WE need for the relationship to be healthy. You matter.