[SharpAndBlunt]

TW; perhaps whole post, topic is grief

This year more and more I can't ignore my feelings. I have heard and read how grief is so important when dealing with the injury of cptsd. Grief and self love.

Well, I think that every Christmas up to now I have been in denial and just getting through by going through the motions.

My grief is so *sharp*, and it has never been shared, that it's easier for me to push it aside than to be with it and feel it. Just typing this paragraph has triggered a dissociative response in me.

I think I understand the difference in grief and depression. I think that unprocessed grief can result in depression. It certainly has for me.

I hope that all reading this are able to have a peaceful time (or at least some short times) during this season. Sab. 

[Kizzie]

Going through this myself at the moment SharpandBlunt and wanted to acknowledge your post and send you a warm and supportive cyber hug. I hope you can feel it emotionally and it helps if even just a little  

Maybe it's something we need to begin to share about because personally not talking about it isn't getting me anywhere - it's this cold dark lump of ice I haven't managed to melt yet.  I'm afraid (as I have often been on this journey) to open the door to it though but maybe it's time.  I know when I finally acknowledged I had never been and never would be truly loved by my parents, giving up that last bit of hope was incredibly hard and painful.  Over time though it was freeing and it doesn't bring me to my knees as it once did.  Maybe this is the same. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Kizze, I can feel your hug emotionally and it does help. 

I hear what you are saying Kizzie about being afraid to open the door and attempt to melt this big iceberg. It's less scary to slam the door and run from it, but ultimately counter-productive.

The last week or so has been very hard, I have been feeling the abandonment pain very sharply. I am aware on some level that by going back to work tomorrow, I feel more able to cope by not having to sit with it. But I also know that I am not fully abandoning it this time and this is spiritual progress.

The iceberg is there and maybe I can leave that door open just a crack. Talking about it is good 

[Kizzie]

I am aware on some level that by going back to work tomorrow, I feel more able to cope by not having to sit with it. But I also know that I am not fully abandoning it this time and this is spiritual progress.

Bravo! Eyeing the trauma through the door vs slamming it and running away is definitely progress     

I think part of why we have to slam the door as kids IMO is because abandonment/neglect is life threatening. We can't afford to face that, instinctively we know we must close the door to survive because we are on our own, no-one is there for us.  Emptiness, grief, sadness is  overwhelming when you're a kid and don't have anyone to talk to about it or help you. It's a powerful reason not to open the door ... ever.  Us even acknowledging there is a door, then peeking in really is progress IMO   

In the past I have found that titrating or taking things in small doses in therapy has helped with major fear, anger, grief before so hopefully my T and I will get back to that this week.  It's like dipping your toe in and then out with the goal of sitting with feelings for longer periods of time. 

Being at work takes you away from the grief and lets you rest a bit in between looking in that door and that may be helpful after no distraction/respite during the holiday.  I hope so 

[SharpAndBlunt]

I think part of why we have to slam the door as kids IMO is because abandonment/neglect is life threatening. We can't afford to face that, instinctively we know we must close the door to survive because we are on our own, no-one is there for us.

Talking is good!  To construct a frame, a narrative, around something in order to be able to make sense of it, even if for only brief periods at first, is wonderful. That is the complete opposite to what I was taught - which is to ignore it and it'll go away. (Or, "it doesn't exist, there's no problem and ergo you don't really exist to me", which is crushing to a child).

We now know that it doesn't go away. Like a monster in a horror movie where the monster disappears only after it was acknowledged and allowed to exist, there is something there that one day I'll have to accommodate. Titration (thanks, I had no idea of this concept) sounds like an entirely sensible approach, as attempting to process the entire bundle at once will inevitibly lead to flashbacks, disocciation etc., all things that are common in my past.

I hope I'll be able to carry these lucid thoughts with me. This past week or two has felt brutal at times. Right this moment, having eaten and taken a nap, I feel comfortable enough to feel a small measure of optimism, which is unusual and I hope, something that might happen more frequently.       

[Kizzie]

It can be brutal I know so glad to hear a bit of rest and food helped. 

Hopefully like me talking will help you to feel a little less alone with it all and help to chip away at the iceberg . Actually,  in talking with you about grief I realize mine was an iceberg but now is more of a stubborn block/lump which tells me being here and in therapy has helped and despite the frustration I need to keep going. 

I just want to get that last bit melted and it's been difficult to get at, I guess because the feelings are so brutal. Thankfully my T is all about titrating which is good on the one hand but on the other you have to have patience and look back at where you were to where are to notice the small changes have added up.   

Talking here means we're not ignoring the pain any more, but we're also not ripping the bandaid off  which as I found triggered flashbacks and a sense of being overwhelmed too. Patience is not my strong suit but I am reminded how much it is worth in recovery, along with energy replenishing self-care like rest and self-compassion.

Hope you have a better week than the last few

[Blueberry]

SaB, I just want to let you know that I read your post a few times over the holidays and it didn't resonate really but now on reading the whole thread, I'm back in a place where I understand.

I'm sorry I wasn't receptive before and that you got so few responses although an active dialogue with Kizzie ( ) because grieving and reducing the grief at a manageable pace without re-triggering are pretty important part of healing ime. As are being heard and seen and maybe just being comforted by being sent a hug or a wave. Glad you're feeling a bit better now anyway. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Blueberry, it's ok  Thank you for taking the time to reply, for taking the time to read and understand 

I sometimes post when I have something I feel is worth exploring. Even sometimes, if there are no replies, which is rare, the act of putting my thoughts into words and sharing them is enough. To be able to have a discussion about the topics that affect us (even with varying degrees of crossover) is invaluable and even to be able to speak and have it heard is sometimes enough :-)

Thanks again, everyone here, I think you're the bees knees