Not Alone: 2021

Not Alone · December 31, 2020, 05:05:14 PM

**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
#########################################################################################################################################################
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Starting my new journal a day early.

Instead of giving my journal a meaningful title, I just titled it with the year. Maybe the subtitle would be: "We'll see where we need to go and take the journey step by step." Long subtitle.

This morning I went through my folder of papers and art work from 2020. I sorted those and filed papers into different categories. Most were added to boxes of previous years' papers and journals. The boxes have notes on top asking the contents to be destroyed in case of my death. Why am I keeping such vulnerable paperwork? I think maybe because my childhood has been such a mystery to me. What happened? What didn't happen? What is true? I've been working on putting the puzzle pieces together. Those papers, art work, and journals are some of the puzzle pieces. Some of the picture of the puzzle has been partially put together, but there are more pieces that need to be added; i.e. more memory and processing of those memories. I may need to refer to the pieces that have already been put together. (And I have gone back to journals and notes when working on certain issues.) For now I strongly feel the need to keep all those items.

Last night I reread Carolyn Spring's Unshame. I can relate to so much of what she writes. (See: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13593.msg103131#msg103131 ) It reminded me and gave me encouragment that her journey has been step by step, filled with many failures, but the success was in continuing. When she was learning mindfulness meditation, Spring stated, "I failed and failed for twenty minutes but in the end I succeeded, simply because I didn't quit." (Spring, 45)

I had been fairly consistent with practicing a form of meditation, but it's been many months since I've done so consistently. Spring's book has motivated me to be more consistent about meditation and also with my awareness of my breathing. I had gotten into the slump of using those things when I was in trouble, but I do believe it will be beneficial for me to make practicing mindful meditation and breathing an (almost) daily routine.

I ordered Carlolyn Spring's book, Recovery is My Best Revenge: My Experience of Trauma, Abuse and Dissociative Identity Disorder. I'm not sure why I've been hesitant to order that book in the past.

My therapist has been on vacation for two weeks. I have been trying to give myself a break from therapy without ignoring the Littles. [I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and Littles are young Parts of me.] This morning I spent some time with the Littles, checking in with them and then reading a story to some of them. Even though I have tried to still care for them, they have been further away with T being gone and me trying to take a break from therapy and just not wanting stuff to be stirred up. It feels like many Littles are active now and wanting to talk! I don't have to work again until Tuesday, which makes it a bit easier to take care of them. I still have to wear the "Wife," "Mom," and "Friend" hats. T returns on Monday. Two weeks is a long time. I am grateful, though, that I haven't been in a really bad place during those two weeks.

(Note: Littles definitely active and felt the need to decorate the top of our journal.

)

dollyvee · December 31, 2020, 07:39:29 PM

You seem to be in a very good place in your new journal. The littles' decoration is very inviting .

I did mindfulness meditation for two years 2 x 20 mins a day and it was an incredible help to focus and get me through some difficult times. I hope it does the same for you.

Bach · December 31, 2020, 07:59:24 PM

Wishing you and the Littles a great 2021, notalone

Snowdrop · December 31, 2020, 08:16:26 PM

All good wishes to you and your Littles. I like the way they've decorated your new journal.

I've just bought Unshame. Thank you for mentioning it.

Not Alone · January 02, 2021, 12:51:35 AM

Dollyvee, thank you for commenting on the Little's decorations and for your encouragement about mindful meditation.
Bach, best wishes to you and your Littles also.

Snowdrop, thank you for liking the Littles decorations. If you feel like sharing, I'd be interested in your thoughts as you read Unshame.

Now that it's coming to the end of my T's 2 week vacation, I'm missing him more and feeling the need to see him. I think I kept that all at arm's length in order to get through those two weeks more easily. I'm also hoping that sessions will start being in his office and not teletherapy. I feel like a great deal is on hold because of that.

woodsgnome · January 02, 2021, 01:58:37 AM

for your new journal. It's always cool to see our journey from a fresh perspective. While the old annoyances are still around, we benefit from realizing that the old story is receding further and further back in the rear-view mirror.

Every once in a while it seems like we hit some bad snags, but as Spring illustrates, that's when it's best to keep on trekking anyway.

So her'e's best wishes and a heartfelt

as you are finding ways to stay on track. Hope the reconnection with the T goes well, too -- it helps so much to have that support when things can seem so overwhelming.

Not Alone · January 03, 2021, 12:13:43 AM

Woodsgnome, thank your for your best wishes and hug.

The last two days one of my Parts has had a lot of time to try some art, guided by YouTube. I've assured her that it doesn't have to be perfect, to just enjoy experimenting.

Tee · January 03, 2021, 05:40:11 AM

I hope you are able to see your T in the office face to face soon too. I agree telahealth isn't the same. I'm glad you got some at stuff for your parts I hope they will make some freeing at that helps express feelings, or that just makes them happy!

With love and encouragement

mojay · January 03, 2021, 10:23:56 AM

Hello notalone! I love the emoticon decoration, so cute n.n

I also have a box of sensitive paperwork and journals, I really like the idea of putting a note to destroy the contents in the event of my death. I have a lot of fear that a family member will find things that I don't want them to see. Thank you for giving me this idea

In one of my posts you had recommended Unshame to me and I've been really enjoying it! I blazed through the chapter on forgiveness at your recommendation and then started the book from the beginning because I liked it so much. While I do not have DID, I do have DPDR so I find myself relating.

I just wanted to take a moment to truly thank you for sharing and to wish you and yours a healthy and successful 2021!

Not Alone · January 03, 2021, 08:45:55 PM

Tee, thank you for your understanding and encouragement. I appreciate you.

Mojay, thanks for mentioning that you like the decoration. That makes my Littles smile. Glad that the idea of having a note with vulnerable paperwork was something that will help you. I read through Unshame quickly, twice. I could relate to a great deal of what she wrote and it helped me to feel less alone. Thanks for taking the time to write.

I'm several chapters into Carolyn Spring's book, Recovery is My Best Revenge. For some of what she wrote, I am saying to myself, "I don't believe that. I'm not that far into my journey yet that I can know that. Perhaps at some time I will be able to say/believe those things too." In the past, those kind of issues/statements would send me into a difficult place. It is growth for me that I can realize that I'm not at that place in my therapy yet, and just let that be okay.

I am finding Recovery to be more triggering to me than Unshame was. Although (up to where I've read) she doesn't share details, she does share a little more about her abuse. Sometimes even one word can trigger me. It hasn't sent me spiraling, but I put the book on the shelf for awhile. Not sure if I'll pick it up again today, in a week, or months from now.

Spring does an amazing job of describing what goes on in her mind. Some of it is different from my experience, but a great deal of it is very similar. I thought about having some people read portions of it so they know what I experience, but who? I doubt that even the few in my life who know about my DID want to know that much. Also fear they would back away if they knew the extent of the crazieness that I experience.

Not Alone · January 04, 2021, 04:13:22 AM

I read a few more pages of Recovery is My Best Revenge. It is too triggering right now, so best if I keep it on the shelf for awhile. I'm disappointed because I got so much out of Unshame and I was looking forward to reading it. Please note that the information in Spring's book is very good and just because it is triggering for me right now, doesn't mean that it wouldn't be beneficial for others to read.

mojay · January 04, 2021, 05:02:35 AM

I think you're very strong for being okay with your place in your healing journey. I teeter between feeling okay with my journey and being devastated by where I am. I have being using some of Pete Walker's emotional flashback management strategies and this one made me think of what you said, I think you are doing a really good job of exemplifying this:
"13. Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become unadrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradual process—often two steps forward, one step back. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."
I can see your self-compassion in shelving the book. I can see your empathy and care for others in letting us know what was difficult and that we still may find the book useful.

Quote from: notalone on January 03, 2021, 08:45:55 PM
I thought about having some people read portions of it so they know what I experience, but who? I doubt that even the few in my life who know about my DID want to know that much. Also fear they would back away if they knew the extent of the crazieness that I experience.

It can be so difficult to trust others in our lives to stay here for us - once someone knows, they can't un-know. Us with CPTSD have been hurt so deeply by interpersonal relationships that moving to a deeper level of understanding of this impact can feel unsafe. If you don't feel comfortable sharing with those in your life, maybe sharing the chapters or portions that you really resonate with on here could be helpful?

marta1234 · January 04, 2021, 12:26:45 PM

Notalone, wanted come by and congratulate you on starting a new journal

I found your Littles decorations happy and cheerful

. Sending you and your parts my love and support, and a big load of warm and safe hugs

Not Alone · January 04, 2021, 03:50:31 PM

Marta, my Littles are so happy that you found their decorations happy and cheerful. I can feel your love and support. I love hugs and am hugging you back.

Mojay, do you know that you have a real gift of encouraging others? Within my post, you saw strengths in me and shared those with me in specific ways. My heart felt a little leap of encouragement when I read what you wrote.

I can get overwhelmed with all the garbage that I have to deal with; however, is growth for me to be able to accept where I am without beating myself up. Thanks for pointing out Walker's step #13. It's kind of ironic, because I don't normally get too far down his list! It is also a good reminder to me to be looking at that when I'm NOT in crisis.

Quote from: mojay on January 04, 2021, 05:02:35 AM
Quote from: notalone on January 03, 2021, 08:45:55 PM
I thought about having some people read portions of it so they know what I experience, but who? I doubt that even the few in my life who know about my DID want to know that much. Also fear they would back away if they knew the extent of the crazieness that I experience.
It can be so difficult to trust others in our lives to stay here for us - once someone knows, they can't un-know. Us with CPTSD have been hurt so deeply by interpersonal relationships that moving to a deeper level of understanding of this impact can feel unsafe. If you don't feel comfortable sharing with those in your life, maybe sharing the chapters or portions that you really resonate with on here could be helpful?

Sharing here is a good idea. For now I'm not looking at the book, but maybe when I go back to it I will do that.

Part of my wanting to share portions with my inner circle was because I want them to know how hard things are, to know what I deal with. They are not therapists and there is a balance between friends being friends and needing too much from them. I'm trying to figure this out. Ironically, one who was in my inner circle, who is a retired counselor, backed away from the relationship when I told her about the DID. Covid is a factor too, because I'm not see friends so I feel even more disconnected.

mojay · January 04, 2021, 04:48:57 PM

Quote from: notalone on January 04, 2021, 03:50:31 PM
Part of my wanting to share portions with my inner circle was because I want them to know how hard things are, to know what I deal with. They are not therapists and there is a balance between friends being friends and needing too much from them. I'm trying to figure this out.

Oooh, I see what you mean!! Thank you for helping me understand

I've also leaned heavily ("too heavily!!" says my inner critic) on my circle during the most difficult times. I've found that sharing articles or videos specifically for loved-ones of those who suffer has been very well-received vs. sharing my intense feelings/struggles. My two friends who are married to each other are able to handle hearing about my more intense symptoms whereas my two other supports prefer the articles or videos. Truly a balancing act!!! I hope that sharing this was okay, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and relate.

P.S. Thank you for the high compliment of my gift, that made me feel really good