Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1

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Armee

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Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2021, 05:00:27 AM »
Bermuda,

I'm glad you explained more, what you meant by being fine, until you're forced to be the version that was not fine temporarily by being blindsided by unexpected questions. I relate to that too. I can't be blindsided like that. I freeze as well. Forget things I know and should know. And then the memory is just erased for good.

It sounds like you've been through so much pain and deserve to be allowed to move on without unexpectedly and uninvitedly being pushed back to the past and the legacy of your family.

Onward and upward.  :hug:

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Bermuda

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Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« Reply #16 on: August 16, 2021, 07:50:56 AM »
Thank you for your words. It really means a lit to me to just know that someone in the world understands.  :grouphug:

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Bermuda

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Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« Reply #17 on: September 06, 2021, 09:52:26 AM »
Trigger warning on this post: Death/Self harm

I had a dream last night. It was long and vivid.

I had a friend many years ago, when I was still physically in a bad place. He was too. He was like me, it was bad luck for him. He was a great kind, caring, and intelligent person who just had a lot of bad luck.

In my dream, we we had a romantic encounter. It was loving, caring... Toward the end of the dream we were sitting with a group of people, and I had my head rested on his shoulder, when someone else (female) came over and took him by his hand and walked him away.

I woke up, and thought about what he was up to, but then remembered that after I left trying to find my escape, that he shot himself.

He is one of three people I know who did that, but somehow I feel like I should have known. That we could have escaped together.

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Armee

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Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« Reply #18 on: September 06, 2021, 01:49:32 PM »
Bermuda,

I'm really sorry for the loss of your friend. Having a dream of deep connection to him and then him being led out of your life must have brought up so many difficult emotions. As hard as it was, maybe it's also a gift to find that connection to him in your dreams?

It's pretty common with suicide to feel like there's something you could have done to save your loved ones and all of us who have lost people this way wish that were true.

I remember early in therapy my therapist trying to get me to do the "loving kindness" meditation while picturing people I love. It includes a line "May you be safe from inner and outer harm." That line tore me up and we had to excise it from the practice because I just couldn't tolerate at the time the idea that I had no control over someone's inner harm. The "may you be" took all control from me and I fought that with every ounce of my brain and body.

But, even with my kids...I don't have that kind of power to keep them safe from harming themselves. All I can do is love them, get them support, and nourish a strong connection with them. Living in the fear they might kill themselves hampers that connection.

Eventually I found I could let go of my false sense of control and return that line to the meditation. "May you be safe from inner and outer harm." I feel myself giving them a big warm hug now when I think that.

I wish it turned out different for you and your friend, that you could have whisked him off to safety, and stayed so connected. It's a beautiful loving thought and dream to have.

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Bermuda

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Re: Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1
« Reply #19 on: September 07, 2021, 06:04:47 AM »
Thank you Armee.

It did bring up a lot of feelings for me. I don't feel responsible... but it's not indifference either. I think the biggest over-arching feeling of having CPTSD in general for me is loneliness. Profound, empty, unable to connect, unrelateable, alienesque, loneliness. I recently watched a video about Jim Carrey saying depression is just your body needing deep rest, deep rest from the character that you are playing in the world... And albeit controversial for me, when I look back on this time, and the place both him and I were in, those words really ring true. This was not a chemical imbalance, our worlds that we lived in, and the characters we had to play were horrible and were depressing, we felt hopeless for very good reason. I coped how I always coped, by not connecting with anyone, by being flighty, and overly adaptable, until I could escape and create a new-new me where no one knew me.

I feel bad that I might have let him down, and other people too while trying to save myself. I was one of the only people he told his story to, and I feel that I should have been able to relate better at the time. I did care very deeply about him, as a friend, at the time. There were things we seemed to understand about each others behaviour that we never needed to explain.

Putting myself absolutely first was the only way I survived during this time. I was cold and empty and truly believed that the world is only a place where everyone is using everyone around them to get what they want, and in everything we do we are either taking what we want or quietly bartering with each other to have our needs met, and that every choice I made was a pawn either in my favour or not. I was still very much in the CPTSD mode where I believed I had control, that I HAD to have control.

Deep connection with others was not only not a priority, but rather a possible threat.

I haven't been able to sleep since I had this dream, and it's because I am lonely. My existence is a secret, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences... To try to be normal is to live in silence and to answer the question, "How are you?" with "Fine, thank you and yourself?" ...That is what being a survivor is like for me.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2021, 06:10:11 AM by Bermuda »