Not Alone: 2021

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Hope. 


I rarely dream about my grandfather (GrF), who can truly be describe as evil. I dreamed about him last night. In the past when I've dreamed about him, I'd be completely frozen, physically and unable to talk, scream or cry out; both within the dream and for awhile after waking. In the dream last night, I was adult. When I woke up, I journaled as much of the dream as I could recall.

Biggest impressions from the dream:
---GrF was cold and mean (that was reality)
---GrM was being hurt by him and was in great distress and sobbing throughout the dream
---Many other people were in the dream, including one of my siblings and my mother. The setting of the dream was a party and all the people were all in party, celebratory mode.
---Others in the dream were carrying out GrF's cruel orders.
---No one else in the dream was the least bit upset by what he was doing. I couldn't understand why no one was stopping him.
---I confronted him about his abuse of me.
---I was video recording what was happening. I was afraid he would destroy my camera, so I walked away. [That's when I woke up.]

This morning I woke up really late, no shower, threw on sweat pants. Feel out of it. I want to crawl into a ball and cover myself with a blanket. Maybe I still will. Wisdom says I should go take a walk (very cold, but sunny). Not sure if that's wisdom or others' voices.

When I woke last night I put my arm over my H for comfort. (Of course he was asleep.) It was like hugging a rock. I quickly removed my arm. If I had woken him and asked him to hold me, he would have, but I know the comfort I would feel would be very shallow. Instead I held onto my teddy bear and a doll blanket that a close friend made. I've been short with H this morning. Some of that is from feeling the aftereffects of the dream. Some is probably the pain of all the walls (avoidance) my H has around him. (After writing the above) I told H that I had a dream about GrF and it has thrown me for a loop. He only said, "What do you think brought it up?" (I don't know.) Then he talked about other stuff. He complains that I don't tell him things. Forgive me for yelling, but THERE ARE REASONS I DON'T TELL HIM MORE!!! 

I need to figure out how to take care of myself right now. I'm feeling myself sinking, becoming more sad, depressed and self-critical. The feelings of aloneness and confusion because of people in my childhood being oblivious to the horrors I was experiencing are converging with my H's inability to enter into my journey on any significant level. I might take a xanax and curl up on the floor. I think I will reach out to my other (besides you wonderful people on OOTS) support group. 

[Blueberry]

I rarely dream about my grandfather (GrF), who can truly be describe as evil. I dreamed about him last night. In the past when I've dreamed about him, I'd be completely frozen, physically and unable to talk, scream or cry out; both within the dream and for awhile after waking. In the dream last night, I was adult. 

That is some progress, notalone! 

No wonder you felt out of it when waking and wanted to crawl into a ball under a blanket. As you often helpfully write in my Journal - please be gentle with yourself. That was one awful nightmare, you needed comfort during it and after it. I hope you got support from your other group. I'm sending gentle  if they feel safe

[owl25]

That sounds like a very intense and scary nightmare, notalone. I can relate to the feeling of "why doesn't anyone else see what I'm going through and how awful this all feels, why won't anyone help?" I hope you have managed to recover a little, I can imagine it's left you quite shaken.

[Not Alone]

Thank you Blueberry and Owl25. I appreciate you hearing me and your compassion.

I slept all afternoon. I was signed up for church service (covid). I skipped the shower and managed to get dressed and go to church. Glad I went, although I had to close my eyes during triggering parts. Home now and will continue to take it easy.

[Bach]

 

[dollyvee]

 

If I were to put my interpretation on your dream, I could see that you have found some distance from the events in the dream, that you are processing them by recording them, and maybe you can see clearly what is going on. You also protected that by taking the recording (truth) away where he couldn't touch it. I know it might not help much but could show you are separate.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Bach and Dollyvee.

[Alter-eg0]

I don't really have anything to add, just dropping in to say Hi, i'm reading

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Alter-eg0, I appreciate that.

[Not Alone]

I wrote a lot this morning, then pressed the wrong button and it disappeared. Will write less now. Don't have it in me to go into detail.

The stress that I feel is through the roof right now. I am trying to take one step at a time, but the enormity of getting a job, working 40+ hours a week, and learning a job . . . is TOO MUCH. My therapy will be reduced to 1x/week (now I see him 2x/week). . . . I am so angry at my husband for refusing to accept my struggles with cPTSD and DID and to put all this on me.



Won't write details of conversation, but H said if it would take stress off me, he would commit to working until the end of this year

Yesterday, H came home and told me that, depending upon the outcome of a meeting today, he might retire end of June. There's more details, but too much to write now. Today told me meeting went well. Bottom line: I cannot trust his commitment to me that he will work until the end of the year. When he retires, it puts me in the position of having to find a full time job with benefits.

https://thetraumainitiative.org/2019/05/13/attachment-the-avoidant/

After the relationship has been fractured by any of these responses, the Avoidant will often continue to withhold or deny emotional connection. He will return to autoregulation immediately and repair is off the table. (There is no need, right? He has regulated and his spouse or partner's emotions are well...her emotions so she needs to deal with it.)

How does it feel for the spouse or partner? There is no being seen, being heard, being understood, being part of the conversation. Spouses or partners of Avoidants often feel invalidated


I am so tired of living with all these elephants in the room. Today I feel like I can't stand it. I can't do this any more. He is okay after what he said yesterday and I am left in turmoil. There is no hope of healing or repair. This is so crazy making.

[Blueberry]

For you: 

For your H: 

I have no idea how I would manage to work 40+ hours/week. In fact, I know I couldn't. I would break down after 2 weeks max. I'm sorry, that will be no comfort to you. But I don't want to say: "You can do it!" when I know I can't.

notalone, I thought you have kids. Isn't your H financially responsible for them too in some way? You don't have to respond to that, but I'm just thinking - how can he just dump all responsibility in your lap like this??

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
Also sending you a supportive hug at this time and thinking of you.    
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I am so grateful for your hugs and for your anger at my H. I saw your post the other morning and it encouraged me. I appreciate you not giving me a "you can do it" pep talk. I have no idea how I will manage when the time comes. Yes, we do have kids. They are all adults, but still on our insurance. My husband twists his thinking in a way that benefits him and his avoidant attachment. In another post I told that he wrote a list of reasons it would be good for me to work FT, with no mention or consideration of the fact that I have cPTSD and DID. Some of his thinking, for example, that we can afford very expensive cobra insurance for a length of time, is in fantasy land and doesn't match the numbers that we went over together.

Hope, so grateful for your hug and warm thoughts.

I have pretty much given up the hope for emotional intimacy with my H. Now I'm hoping for just the ability to function and live together. Last night in the middle of the night there was a loud noise. My H startled awake. I told him it was okay it was just the cat knocking something over. He immediately went back to sleep. I felt a stab of longing for emotional closeness with him. Maybe it was because in that moment he was vulnerable and not surrounded by his many walls.

[Not Alone]

There was a different incident with my H today. I won't go into details of what happened. I was very strong with my boundaries with him. I said, in an angry, strong voice: "Do not . . ." He apologized and then an excuse. I repeated myself. Again his apology and another excuse. I said: "I don't want to hear your excuses. Don't ever. . . " He apologized and I said okay.

With my first statement of "Do not. . . " he looked shocked. I don't know if he was shocked at the strength and anger in my voice or if he was clueless about my reaction to the incident. If the former is the case, he is incredibly blind.

I have a fairly strong idea about why he reacted the way he did during the incident. It's sad that he probably has no idea or awareness of his reaction or the why behind it. He may not even be asking the question. He doesn't welcome or invite that kind of dialogue.   

I still feel guilty when I post about him. He avoids and I'm left alone. I'm not going to do life alone. I am going to get the support that I need.

[Hope67]

Hi Notalone,
I think it's good that you let your H know that his behaviour had affected you, and that you mentioned that to him, and asserted your feelings again. 

I'm glad you're not doing life alone, and that you're going to get the support you need, as I think you and all of us deserve that in life.  I thought you sounded strong in your statement - saying that - and I wanted to send you a hug of support in that 

Hope