Thank you, Hope.

I rarely dream about my grandfather (GrF), who can truly be describe as evil. I dreamed about him last night. In the past when I've dreamed about him, I'd be completely frozen, physically and unable to talk, scream or cry out; both within the dream and for awhile after waking. In the dream last night, I was adult. When I woke up, I journaled as much of the dream as I could recall.
Biggest impressions from the dream:
---GrF was cold and mean (that was reality)
---GrM was being hurt by him and was in great distress and sobbing throughout the dream
---Many other people were in the dream, including one of my siblings and my mother. The setting of the dream was a party and all the people were all in party, celebratory mode.
---Others in the dream were carrying out GrF's cruel orders.
---No one else in the dream was the least bit upset by what he was doing. I couldn't understand why no one was stopping him.
---I confronted him about his abuse of me.
---I was video recording what was happening. I was afraid he would destroy my camera, so I walked away. [That's when I woke up.]
This morning I woke up really late, no shower, threw on sweat pants. Feel out of it. I want to crawl into a ball and cover myself with a blanket. Maybe I still will. Wisdom says I should go take a walk (very cold, but sunny). Not sure if that's wisdom or others' voices.
When I woke last night I put my arm over my H for comfort. (Of course he was asleep.) It was like hugging a rock. I quickly removed my arm. If I had woken him and asked him to hold me, he would have, but I know the comfort I would feel would be very shallow. Instead I held onto my teddy bear and a doll blanket that a close friend made. I've been short with H this morning. Some of that is from feeling the aftereffects of the dream. Some is probably the pain of all the walls (avoidance) my H has around him. (After writing the above) I told H that I had a dream about GrF and it has thrown me for a loop. He only said, "What do you think brought it up?" (I don't know.) Then he talked about other stuff. He complains that I don't tell him things. Forgive me for yelling, but THERE ARE REASONS I DON'T TELL HIM MORE!!!

I need to figure out how to take care of myself right now. I'm feeling myself sinking, becoming more sad, depressed and self-critical. The feelings of aloneness and confusion because of people in my childhood being oblivious to the horrors I was experiencing are converging with my H's inability to enter into my journey on any significant level. I might take a xanax and curl up on the floor. I think I will reach out to my other (besides you wonderful people on OOTS) support group.