Not Alone: 2021

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Armadillo

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #150 on: May 03, 2021, 08:04:04 PM »
I just love that you carved out time for the important stuff this weekend like reading, church, and writing a letter, amidst the chaos.  :cheer:

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Jazzy

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #151 on: May 07, 2021, 01:57:52 AM »
Hey notalone, how are you doing? I've been thinking of you lately. I hope you're doing okay, or at least not too badly.

It sounds like the house being in the disorganized state you talk about has been really hard on you, which is totally understandable. It also sounds like you've been making some great progress in getting everything back in order. Good job!  :cheer:

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #152 on: May 07, 2021, 07:07:25 PM »
Thank you, Armadillo.

Jazzy, thanks for asking. The house is slowly getting together. The "I don't know what to do with this stuff" is left.

On the surface, life goes on: family, work, social interactions-----running underneath is a river of trauma with feelings of sadness, pain, confusion, guilt, etc. The separation between the outside and the inner turmoil adds to the feelings of craziness and aloneness. The last two days I've really been feeling the aloneness regarding the specific trauma that I've been talking about in therapy.

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Hope67

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #153 on: May 07, 2021, 08:32:07 PM »
 :hug: 

Hope  :)

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Jazzy

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #154 on: May 08, 2021, 12:23:31 AM »
Sounds like you've done a great job!  :thumbup:

I made an action plan for when I have things leftover I don't know what to do with. I have a history of getting stuck with that stuff, and it piles up, but I don't like that.

Here's what I do.
  • If I know I will have a use for it within the next year (like my winter sweaters in the summer), I store it in my extra dresser, or storage closet.
  • If I can't foresee myself using it in the next year, I get rid of it by:
  • Offering it to family
  • Offering it to friends
  • Giving it to charity
  • Disposing of it (recycling/garbage/trash)

That wasn't easy for me to do (get rid of things), especially at first! Like everything, it was a process I adjusted to over time. It has really helped to reduce the clutter, which leads to me feeling better about the house. Of course, you don't have to follow my list, but hopefully it may give you some helpful ideas.

--
I hear you about life going on, but the river of trauma continuing to run underneath. I especially relate to the feelings of craziness and aloneness you talk about. It's scary, and horrible, and really unfair. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Hopefully it will ease after you process this specific trauma more. You're doing good working through the difficulty, keep up the good work!

Even when you're feeling alone, we're still here with you!  :)

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #155 on: May 08, 2021, 02:47:58 PM »
Stuff
Jazzy, thanks for sharing your action plan with me. I do try to do something similar. Part of my problem is that I have 3 other people in my house, so I'm not only dealing with my stuff. Sometimes I get one area organized and cleaned and then an adult child cleans his room by dumping stuff in the empty space I made. Talking about it doesn't help. I think that as soon as one child gets on a more normal schedule (he's moving from working nights to working days), I will have a day where everyone works on sorting and cleaning the basement, which seems to be the main dumping ground.

I am starting to transition my clothes from winter to summer. That's not easy where I live. It can go from hot to freezing temperatures within one day! :sunny:

Yesterday I dropped three big bags off at a resale shop. Good to get those out of the house.

Heavy Heart
Hope, thank you for the hug.  :hug:

I hear you about life going on, but the river of trauma continuing to run underneath. I especially relate to the feelings of craziness and aloneness you talk about. It's scary, and horrible, and really unfair. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Hopefully it will ease after you process this specific trauma more. You're doing good working through the difficulty, keep up the good work!

Even when you're feeling alone, we're still here with you!  :)
Jazzy, thank you for your caring, understanding words.


My heart still feels heavy today, like life isn't worth living. I suppose there are many reasons that I need to keep going, uppermost is my children. At the risk of being Eeyore, I'm going to list the things that are weighing on me.

My marriage is soooo empty. My H is now home 4 days a week. Our very little superficial communication and mostly silence is deafening. The ALONENESS in that relationship is a big crater in my heart. Sometimes I just feel like screaming, not in anger, but in pain. From what I read and what my therapist said, I need to grieve and live my life. Is feeling this aching chasm that I feel grieving?

I have a new client at work this week. New is stressful. Work has been causing me physical pain. If the same is true with new client, I might need to look for a new job.

If I do need to look for a new job [stress...stress...stress], I would want part time that could turn to full time for when my H fully retires and I need insurance. So that adds complication to what/where I would need to look.

My husband had committed to working until the end of the year so that we have insurance. He has since said things that make me not trust his commitment. The thought of finding a FT job and working that many hours is beyond overwhelming. Not all jobs offers insurance and I would need insurance for myself and my kids. My T only accepts one type of insurance, so if a job doesn't offer that insurance, I will be paying him out of pocket.

My H rarely talks to me about real issues. The few times he has allowed his anger to come out; I feel like that's when he has spoken the truth of what he really believes and is not parroting what he thinks he's supposed to say or do. The feelings/thoughts that he expressed those few times is that it's time for me to stop dealing with the past and move on. He wants me to be like I was before I started dealing with my trauma. In his avoidance, he does not see how stressful FT work would be for me. Or he says we'll be fine financially, paying for insurance, although we looked at the numbers together and that is not the case. The times when he does ask how my therapy session went, from previous things he has said, I believe that all he wants to really know is if I am closer to being done. I've told him many times that this is a life-long journey for me. He'll say he understands that, but when his true feelings come out, I know he doesn't believe/accept that.

It really hurts that my H doesn't accept me as I am.

The house has gone from chaos to somewhat messy. Making progress here. Want to make more.

There is a joyous family event happening this year. I do feel the joy of that, but there are things to do and that adds stress.

Some worries I have about my adult kids.

I left my church that I attended for 29 years and am in the process of looking for a new church. I thought I had found one, but it didn't work out, so now my search has begun again. That is a really important part of my life, so being church-homeless is hard. I also have grief over the church that I left.

Trauma issues always present and sometimes consuming.


Wow! I guess I really needed to share what is happening. If you read all this, thank you.

I often make a list of things I need to do. I will do that today since I'm feeling so overwhelmed. To Self: no pressure to do everything on the list. One thing at a time.

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Jazzy

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #156 on: May 08, 2021, 02:57:45 PM »
Lots here, but you're doing a good job handling it, starting with writing about it. Just want to let you know that I read it all, and I care. :)

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CactusFlower

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #157 on: May 08, 2021, 03:21:57 PM »
I read it all as well. One step at a time is the only way we can get things done. it's good that you got some stuff to the thrift store. Clearing out clutter feels good and lets us focus on other things. I'm sorry it sounds like your H isn't listening to you. HUGS

BTW, I do a similar method to jazzy. We have "donate boxes" where things go if I haven't used them/looked at them in 6 months to a year. Because if I haven't by then and it's not truly emotionally important, it doesn't need to stay in the house. Then every few months or so, that stuff goes to the thrift store donations.  Sometimes I'll post something on a Facebook Buy Nothing group, but that could be overwhelming for some people.  I only keep that which I will truly use or has real sentimental value.

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Armadillo

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #158 on: May 08, 2021, 03:52:50 PM »
I think it is the opposite of Eeyore to list all the things causing you stress and sadness here.  :hug:

It's really hard to feel like your spouse doesn't support you or accept you as you are. I felt that way for a very very long time and it was by far the thing that caused the most pain. For me, slowly learning to open up to my H about things helped, but that only worked because he's an exceptionally good person and contrary to my beliefs he actually truly did accept me as I am.

I wish there were not so many struggles and so much pain weighing on you and I really respect your commitment to being kind to yourself and working on healing for the long term.  :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #159 on: May 08, 2021, 07:38:03 PM »
my dear notalone, i relate to feeling alone even while living with someone.  i've got 3 marriages under my belt that were similar.  my 3rd hub was a 12-stepper, so he'd tell me some of the phrases from his meetings (leg go and let god, etc.) which, while helpful for addiction, were not helpful for me.  it's so hard to make someone understand what we're up against, and i agree with you that it's a lifelong journey.  is there a possibility you could have him come to a therapy session so perhaps your t could explain some of this to him?  or, would he be willing to read about c-ptsd and how trauma works?  just some thoughts.  i feel for you. 

there's so much going on in your life right now, and i did not see you as eeyore, only as someone who has a lot on her plate and needed to get some of it out.  kudos to you for beginning to change your surroundings.  well done! :thumbup:

keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled w/ self-acceptance and the knowledge that we're here for you even when you feel lonliest. :hug: :grouphug:

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #160 on: May 08, 2021, 09:42:20 PM »
Took a xanax so I hope my reply makes sense.

I got my bathroom clean, really clean. Glad for that. Also filled up a large garbage bag full of stuff to donate. Threw it in my car trunk so it's not sitting in my basement. Some laundry done, not much else. I'm Netflix binging and trying to not beat myself up for not doing more and for tv binging.

Jazzy, thank you for reading my post. I feel your care and that means a lot.

CactusFlower, thanks for your understanding and compassion.

I think it is the opposite of Eeyore to list all the things causing you stress and sadness here.  :hug:

It's really hard to feel like your spouse doesn't support you or accept you as you are. I felt that way for a very very long time and it was by far the thing that caused the most pain. For me, slowly learning to open up to my H about things helped, but that only worked because he's an exceptionally good person and contrary to my beliefs he actually truly did accept me as I am.

I wish there were not so many struggles and so much pain weighing on you and I really respect your commitment to being kind to yourself and working on healing for the long term.  :hug:
Armadillo, it is very hard and painful that my H doesn't accept me as I am. He is a good, moral man AND he is avoidant. I don't think he is attuned to his own feelings, so he doesn't seem to have the ability to empathize. I have shared some things with him. Sometimes his response is helpful, but often his response is silence, an ill timed joke, or his desire for me to be done; therefore I now limit my sharing. For example, last time he asked about my session I told him that I talked about ________, something I had told him before. I needed to remind him what happened. He had zero emotional reaction. That hurts.

San, thank you for your empathy. Alone in marriage is really hard. He has gone to marriage therapy and read a little bit. For awhile he can parrot what he has learned, but its all in his head. Originally, he and I saw my therapist together in marriage therapy. We had about six sessions. When covid hit and it became telehealth, my H quit. I continued see T on my own. My T, who gave me the eye-opening information that H was avoidant, told me that marriage therapy would be a waste of time. So far he has been unable to look at himself beyond a superficial level.

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Armadillo

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #161 on: May 09, 2021, 01:41:33 AM »
It sounds like maybe there's a sliver of hope for your husband then, too. It's taken a lot of patience, coaching, and trying over and over and sharing truly how hard it is for my H to start to be more emotionally supportive. I'd say out of all the things I've worked on in therapy, getting more connected with H has been the most positive and helpful and joyful. But there was a lot of pain of feeling dismissed and misunderstood and judged along the way. I know right now with everything you have to work through that is not possible at the moment, but I'll hold onto some hope in my heart you get there with H one day.

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Blueberry

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #162 on: May 09, 2021, 10:21:47 AM »
I got my bathroom clean, really clean. Glad for that. Also filled up a large garbage bag full of stuff to donate. Threw it in my car trunk so it's not sitting in my basement. Some laundry done

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Considering how you've been feeling and all that's going on for you atm, I think that's a lot! I'm proud of you.  :hug:

I'm Netflix binging and trying to not beat myself up for not doing more and for tv binging.

When I first read this (late last night), I was Internet-bingeing so reading that you were bingeing helped me realise - once again - that it was some form of cptsd-related escapism. Try not to beat yourself up, notalone! There's a lot going on in your emotions atm even if possibly hidden away under the surface and you probably need a break from processing, thinking etc to just zone out.  :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #163 on: May 10, 2021, 03:16:08 PM »
Quote from: notalone
I got my bathroom clean, really clean. Glad for that. Also filled up a large garbage bag full of stuff to donate. Threw it in my car trunk so it's not sitting in my basement. Some laundry done
This is amazing!  :) Great job, Notalone!  :cheer:

Quote from: notalone
I'm Netflix binging and trying to not beat myself up for not doing more and for tv binging.
This sounds like a good reward for all your accomplishments earlier in the day. I understand that ICr is a nasty beast, but honestly, this accomplishment/reward seems like a healthy principle to me. Good job looking after yourself, even if it may not feel like it.



Jazzy, thanks for sharing your action plan with me. I do try to do something similar. Part of my problem is that I have 3 other people in my house, so I'm not only dealing with my stuff. Sometimes I get one area organized and cleaned and then an adult child cleans his room by dumping stuff in the empty space I made. Talking about it doesn't help. I think that as soon as one child gets on a more normal schedule (he's moving from working nights to working days), I will have a day where everyone works on sorting and cleaning the basement, which seems to be the main dumping ground.

This is from a little while ago, but it keeps coming back in to my mind, because it sounds extremely frustrating! It would be so difficult for me to deal with this. I think it would cause me a lot of trouble. The word you've used a couple of times here: dumping, sounds very disrespectful. I mean that the others in the house are being disrespectful of you, not that you chose a bad word!

I'm sorry if I'm out of line in bringing this back up, but I just hate the thought of you being stuck in that situation. I have some more ideas, and I hope they are helpful. If they don't connect well with you, that's okay too!

Quote from: notalone
Talking about it doesn't help.
This sounds horrible! I notice you've mentioned it more than once when writing about your family. I'm sorry they don't listen to you better, and as a result don't treat you better. That also sounds very disrespectful.

Communication is very important to me. I think it is crucial to improving a bad situation between people. I do hear you that it hasn't been working, though. Maybe you could try talking in a different way, and that would have better results. I have no idea how you speak to your children, but just as an example off the top of my head, instead of saying something like:

Quote
Please don't dump the stuff in your room in to the basement.

You could try something like:

Quote
When you dump the stuff from your room in to the basement, it destroys the progress I've made on cleaning, which is very disrespectful. Don't do that again!

Sometimes, talking just isn't enough though. So, you could also try doing... which often times has a much bigger impact. Please bear with me here, this may not sound the best at first. :)

Instead of just saying "don't do that again", maybe you could take all the stuff they dumped in the basement, and dump it right back in to their room, then explain why you did it.

Of course, you don't want to do this out of any negative emotion like anger or spite, and I don't think it would be good to do it regularly. However, the point is to show them the impact of their actions. Be ready though, they're probably not going to be very happy about the mess in their room, and they shouldn't be. The point is that they are making you feel that way too, and that isn't acceptable either.

I also realize that generating conflict like that is extremely difficult to do, maybe even impossible. It might be easier if you worked on some other exercises to increase your self-esteem and self-respect first. I don't want you to generate conflict if you can avoid it (which is why I always try to talk first), and I'm sure you don't want the conflict either. But it isn't right for you to be treated so poorly, and if a little bit of conflict results in you being treated better, then I think it will be worth it in the end.

You have a lot on your plate right now notalone, but you're doing a great job! Keep up the good work!  :thumbup:

I hope you're feeling better soon!  :)

EDIT: Just adding a bit. It's very important to explain why you would do such a thing. Otherwise, people might think you're just being a witch and feel hurt, and hurt tends to lead to other negative feelings. But when you explain that "I'm showing you how you are hurting me, because you don't understand my words.", it can lead to a lot of positive. Even if it doesn't lead to better behaviour in the others, I think it would be extremely good for you to show that you expect to be treated better.

Even if you don't believe/feel it because of everything you've been through in the past, you really do deserve to be respected!

EDIT 2: Reduced the text size, because I don't want to be yelling or anything like that. I was just trying to highlight what I felt was important. :)
« Last Edit: May 12, 2021, 01:00:23 AM by Jazzy »

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Blueberry

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #164 on: May 10, 2021, 05:10:31 PM »
Oh, notalone, I'm so sorry, I've just read your first post on May 8th where you wrote a big red list. I read it all and I care. I hear your pain, I hear your frustration. I can't do anything but send  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: and say  :applause: :applause: :applause: on the forward steps you're taking atm. Because you are moving forwards, you are taking healing steps.