Not Alone: 2021

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Armadillo

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #195 on: June 16, 2021, 03:24:14 AM »
That's huge....being able to let go of trying to figure out if it is your fault. I'm sorry that happened but it does sound like growth and also like a day off was a pretty fortuitous thing.  :hug:

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Jazzy

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #196 on: June 16, 2021, 01:26:31 PM »
That's huge....being able to let go of trying to figure out if it is your fault. I'm sorry that happened but it does sound like growth and also like a day off was a pretty fortuitous thing.  :hug:
:yeahthat: :yourock:

Wow Notalone! This is incredible!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I love how you let go of that need fairly quickly, that's huge!!!  :thumbup:

As far as I know, there is no easy way to recover a deleted text message. It's great that you didn't spend a lot of time on it and grow frustrated. I've been working so hard at that for a while now, and here you are doing so well at it already.  :applause:

P.S. How do you feel about me using some colour here in your journal? :)

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #197 on: June 17, 2021, 12:28:09 AM »
Armadillo and Jazzy, thank you for affirming me in letting go of having to prove it wasn't my fault. It is a big thing because in childhood the consequences for doing something wrong was severe.

Jazzy, I love that you are using that color in my journal. My Littles are especially happy about it.

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Hope67

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #198 on: June 18, 2021, 12:41:02 PM »
Hi Notalone,
I love seeing the pink in your journal too.  I can't work out how to do colours at this moment, otherwise I'd join in - but I think I'm a bit younger in my selves today, so not able to necessarily work things out. 

But I have been reading your journal now and then, and have wanted to reply, but not always felt able to, but I do want to send you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #199 on: June 18, 2021, 02:24:33 PM »
Hope, thank you for the hug. I am hugging you back.  :hug:

Stuff
My marriage is soooo empty. My H is now home 4 days a week. Our very little superficial communication and mostly silence is deafening. The ALONENESS in that relationship is a big crater in my heart. Sometimes I just feel like screaming, not in anger, but in pain. From what I read and what my therapist said, I need to grieve and live my life. Is feeling this aching chasm that I feel grieving?

I have been feeling the pain of my H having Avoidant Personality a lot the last couple of days. It is often worse when there is a family or social event. Since I have given up on closeness, for the most part, we are apart physically; he in one room and me in another. When there is an event we are together and the emotional distance screams at me.

"The Avoidant Partner can and will prevent the development of a real life-giving marriage. They nurture the appearance but deny the love reality of marriage. To the undiscerning their home is so very peaceful. In the spirit the home is the tomb/womb of the avoidant. It is a hiding place, a retreat, and the peace is not life-giving to the inhabitants. To the visitor all is well. From the outside all is well. Ill health and death linger in the halls where love has not been allowed to settle."     https://www.christian-marriage-counselling.com/avoidant-personality-and-marriage.html

The pain of having a very shallow relationship with my spouse is enourmous. My T has told me that he creates pain for those in his life, but he is not in pain. He is very content in his cave.

Living with the pretense of everything being okay is so much like childhood; part time living in h*ll and the rest of the time acting like everything is normal. I hate it and the dichotomy is crazy-making.

I haven't figured out how to live with this. Please do not suggest that I talk to him. I tried that for over two decades. From what I've learned about avoidant personality, attempts at realness and working toward intimacy only cause the avoidant person to erect another wall.


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rainydiary

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #200 on: June 18, 2021, 02:34:06 PM »
Notalone, I appreciate you voicing this.  I experience a similar dynamic with my husband and feel alone too.  It is tough to know to what to do.  I am here with you as you navigate this path. 

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Armadillo

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #201 on: June 18, 2021, 03:14:46 PM »
 :hug:

I'm sorry Notalone. I'm sorry you are emotionally alone there in your marriage. It sounds incredibly painful.

I also apologize because several days ago I made the misguided suggestion to tell your husband how you are feeling about something not knowing about the dynamic. I will try to do better for you because you deserve that.

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #202 on: June 18, 2021, 11:55:02 PM »
Rainydiary, it is hard to feel alone in a marriage. I'm sorry that you experience that also. I am grateful for your support.

Armadillo, thank you for your compassion. Yes, it is painful. No apologies needed for suggesting that I tell my H how I feel. I don't expect you to know all the dynamics in my life. Your words were out of care and good intentions.

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Libby183

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #203 on: June 19, 2021, 08:11:43 AM »
Notalone.

I have just dipped into the last few pages of your journal. I find the fact that you manage to hold down a job very inspiring, and hope that you are able to find a full time job that meets your needs. It must be so difficult but it sounds as if you are handling it really well.

Also, I wanted to thank you your openess about your marriage, and for the link about avoidant personality and marriage. It was an absolute eye opener. It very much described my late husband. It was such an empty, lonely marriage. An empty, lonely life for thirty years. Never any conflict, never any connection.

I am pleased that you have become aware of the nature of your marriage. I hope it helps you to let go of some of the guilt that we all seem to carry. I didn't start to realise my husband's part in my difficulties until after his death. It's the next goal for my healing.

Thank you for being brave enough to talk about your marriage and husband. You have helped me so much.

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #204 on: June 19, 2021, 03:43:41 PM »
Libby, thanks for stopping in and reading some pages from my journal and for taking the time to reply. I have been reading your journal also and am sorry for all the pain you have been experiencing with your late H and your children.

Right now I am only working one day a week, so I don't know that I'm really "holding down a job." Looking for a FT job is super stressful to me. I only work on little bits of my resume at a time and it usually causes me to have heightened stress for the rest of the day. The thought of working FT seems impossible. I'm trying to go one step at a time; although I'm only semi-successful at that. The weight of that is always on me, sometimes heavier than others.

It was such an empty, lonely marriage. . . Never any conflict, never any connection.
Your words are an apt description of marriage to someone with avoidant personality. I think my H and I may have had 5 serious arguments in 25 years. Those usually ended in him walking out of the room with me in mid-sentence. No connection, no resolution. Last fall my T told me he was avoidant. I looked it up online and it really opened my eyes. I have experienced guilt, frustration, hurt. Living with someone who is avoidant can be crazy-making. Now that I know that he is avoidant and what that means, I am spending less energy knocking my head against a brick wall (trying for intimacy) and realizing that there is a reason for what I was feeling and I'm not crazy. I wish I could completely let go of hope of intimacy, but that's a tough one.

Thank you for being brave enough to talk about your marriage and husband. You have helped me so much.
I really appreciate you saying that because I have guilt when I talk about him. I'm realizing that my hope of connection and working on things is a false hope. I need to figure out how to live in this. Part of that is getting support here.




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Jazzy

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #205 on: June 21, 2021, 10:11:42 PM »
Hi Notalone! :)

There is a lot of stuff here. Honestly, I'm not ready to comment on the marriage situation. That's a difficult thing I haven't made peace with in my own life. I'm sorry I can't do better with that right now, but I wish you all the best with it.

What you said about trying to go one step at a time is great! That has been so important in my own recovery as well. It was really good for me to learn to take smaller steps too, so I wonder if that is something you'd be willing to consider.

I know it may not feel like you're doing much, but you really are. I see that you have come a very long way recently.  :cheer: Its not realistic or fair to compare ourselves to others who are not suffering from trauma. I do my best to compare myself to how I have been in the past. One day per week is infinitely more than 0 days a week, and I'm very impressed by that.

Congratulations on your progress! :D

Jazzy <3

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #206 on: June 22, 2021, 09:32:06 PM »
Jazzy, thank you for your kind comments. You are right that it isn't realistic to compare myself to those without trauma. I needed that reminder.


Today has been a pretty good day. I worked on another version of my resume. Usually that is very stressful for me. I was able to do it and make the changes fairly quickly. I didn't panic or go into brain freeze mode (broca offline).

Usually when I go to the grocery store, after a certain point, I feel overwhelmed. Today I didn't feel overwhelmed in the store and I was looking for things that aren't normally on my list, which can be more stressful.

I bought some art & craft supplies for a couple of my Parts.

Also talked to a good friend via phone. 

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rainydiary

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #207 on: June 22, 2021, 10:45:20 PM »
Notalone, Iím glad you found some ease today. 

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Jazzy

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #208 on: June 24, 2021, 06:27:32 PM »
Notalone:

This is tremendous progress, congratulations! I am so happy for you!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I hope you don't mind me saying, but I remember not too long ago when you wrote about being collapsed on the bedroom floor being unable to get up. That really stuck with me, because I've been in similar situations.

Now you are making quick, efficient changes on your resume of all things, and going above and beyond at the grocery store, then rewarding yourself with positive personal experiences (art & crafts) as well as social interactions.

You're doing such a fantastic job! I am beyond impressed!  :applause:

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #209 on: June 24, 2021, 08:37:39 PM »
Thank you Rainydiary and Jazzy.

I've hit a bit of a wall for today, but that's okay.  Today I saw my therapist, made cookies to be frozen for future event, wrote cover letter and other job seeking tasks. For me that is a lot and some of those involve a lot of emotion.