Not Alone: 2021

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marta1234

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #30 on: January 13, 2021, 09:42:23 AM »
Notalone, just wanted to pop by and send you my support  :hug: Iím very glad that your doctor appointment went well, and that she wasnít at all invalidating. Hope the app helped for finding treatment, sending you a big hug :bighug:

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Hope67

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #31 on: January 15, 2021, 01:28:49 PM »
Hi Notalone,

Sending you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #32 on: January 21, 2021, 07:12:21 PM »
Two things I'm thankful for today:
1) Yesterday I was asked to work today. I have therapy so I would have had to go in later, which would still have be helpful to them. I debated and decided that my priority was my therapy and healing and it would be best not to have the pressure to have to go to work after a therapy session. One of the Littles was talking to T most of the time so it would have been hard to transition to work. Thankful that I told work I wasn't available.
2) On my way home from therapy, a flap under my engine got loose and was hitting the road. I had to stop twice to tuck it in. I called my usual mechanic shop when I got home. He said the dealer probably had the part so I could go there or I could come in and they'd look at it and order what was needed. I opted to go to the usual shop because I trusted them. They were able to clip the part in place. They didn't charge me anything.

New memories last night of being threatened if I told.

The Little who was with T today asked him to color with her. He said no, he didn't like to color. It immediately felt like a personal rejection. I tell myself that he has the right to like/not like things and to say no if he doesn't want to do something. Good lesson, right? Still hurts a little and feels personal. He did read a story to her.


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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #33 on: January 22, 2021, 03:19:36 PM »
Feeling very irritable this morning. The smallest things are causing internal explosions. I'm so sick of this.  :pissed:  Also, the tiniest thing feels like a rejection of me.

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #34 on: January 22, 2021, 04:25:15 PM »
One of the older Littles wrote a note for Hope (5) telling T that she felt rejected when he didn't want to color with her. Will give it to T next session.


Before covid-19, the plan was for Hope to tell her memory to T this Thursday. Won't do that as long as sessions are not face to face. That would not feel safe or kind, at all.

Last night, Hope (5-year-old Little) had visions of her abuse throughout the night. She has been waiting a long time to tell new T what happened to her.

What if this never ends and I never get to see T again? I will be stuck all alone with my bad thing FOREVER. -Hope

Hope wanted to write the above. She did talk to T via Skype today. It helps a little, but to a degree, he doesn't seem like a real person to her on the computer screen.

For those of  you who read last year's journal, you may remember the deep turmoil that I experienced, waiting for in-office sessions (not telehealth), so that Hope could share her abuse story with T. Although I shared many things online, for some reason it was not at all safe for Hope to do so. We are finally back to in-office visits. It has be 10 months since Hope had planned on telling T what happened to her.

This week, I have a double session scheduled so that she can finally tell him. She is afraid that something will happen and that appointment won't happen. I was even afraid to write the day of the appointment. She's also afraid that something awful will happen afterward. Something that happened a year ago strongly gives evidence to support that fear. All this to say that my feelings of irritation and rejection make sense, also being close to the road of "I'm a mess and this is all hopeless."

So I need a plan to get through this week. (Another big thing happening Monday, but I'm not ready to write about it.)

work on art project
something safe to T.V. binge
music
xanax if I need to
blanket, tea, listen to a book
text inner circle of support
be kind to myself. What would I say to friend if she were going through the same thing?
drink water (an everyday self-care that I need to work on)
breathe
pray


Now I'm going to read a couple of stories to Hope and other Littles. Thanks for listening.  :grouphug:



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marta1234

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #35 on: January 22, 2021, 06:26:16 PM »
Notalone, I wanted to send a hug and say that I hear you and Iím happy Hope will be able to share what she has need to to your T (I know how difficult it was for you to hold it off this long)  :hug:
Sending you my support and care  :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #36 on: January 23, 2021, 03:45:27 PM »
Marta, I am very grateful for your care and support.


Not sleeping well and when I do finally fall asleep with the help of meds, I have a lot of dreams. The dreams aren't nightmares, but certainly not restful. A great deal of fear that the appointment for Hope will not happen.

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rainydiary

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #37 on: January 23, 2021, 05:53:25 PM »
Iím thinking of you as you seek rest.  I too often have difficulty sleeping and even when I sleep it doesnít seem very restful.  I hope you are able to find moments of ease and rest. 

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #38 on: January 25, 2021, 04:36:53 AM »
Rainydiary, thank you for your kind words.

I usually go to be around this time, but I've been going to bed later. What's the use when I lie there not able to sleep. I think I'll take something tonight. I need to sleep.

I am almost finished with a project that one of my Parts and I have been working on. That this Part can know something other than her abuse and can be creative is a really big deal. We are really excited about the project.

Tomorrow I plan on sharing something about myself with my adult children. Really scary. My insides feel frozen and jittery. Might write more tomorrow after I talk to them.

I also have Hope's session coming up this week. I still fear that something will happen and it will be canceled. Also the thought of telling the memory is really scary too.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #39 on: January 25, 2021, 06:46:31 AM »
 :hug:

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #40 on: January 26, 2021, 01:27:43 AM »
San, I really needed that hug tonight. Thank you. Hugging you back.  :grouphug:

Tomorrow I plan on sharing something about myself with my adult children. Really scary. My insides feel frozen and jittery. Might write more tomorrow after I talk to them.
I told my kids that I have DID. We talked for quite awhile. It went well. I will check in with them later in the week to see how they are doing. It's a lot for them to process.


One of the older Littles wrote a note for Hope (5) telling T that she felt rejected when he didn't want to color with her. Will give it to T next session.
This ended up being a bigger issue for me than I realized. Gave note to T today. Did not expect all the intense feelings. We talked about it. It hooks into my internal message of: It is not okay to need/want/ask for care. That was not what T said, but it's hard to hear his words over my internal message.

This week, I have a double session scheduled so that she (Hope) can finally tell him (about her abuse).
This session coming up in a few days. I feel-----how do I describe how I feel? It's like knowing a very painful surgery is coming up. You want the surgery because you hope that eventually that pain leads to lessened pain.

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Tee

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #41 on: January 26, 2021, 05:17:32 AM »
 :hug: notalone you are so brave.  I hope your kids are able to process your truth well and can come back with understanding and clarifying questions.   :hug: Big hug hope you are able to continue down your healing journey.

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mojay

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #42 on: January 26, 2021, 08:28:14 AM »
NotAlone, wow that was so brave of you to tell your children!! Congratulations  :cheer:

I really like the plan you made for the week! I just reviewed (for myself) Pete Walker's 13 steps for stopping EFs, but #8 stuck out to me when reading your journal because I think that you are doing a great job with resisting the inner critic's catastrophizing. You are doing a really good job with helping Hope and not abandoning yourself. I believe in you!!

sending you much strength and rest through the airwaves.
« Last Edit: January 26, 2021, 08:37:25 AM by mojay »

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Alter-eg0

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #43 on: January 26, 2021, 02:20:04 PM »
This week, I have a double session scheduled so that she (Hope) can finally tell him (about her abuse).
This session coming up in a few days. I feel-----how do I describe how I feel? It's like knowing a very painful surgery is coming up. You want the surgery because you hope that eventually that pain leads to lessened pain.
[/quote]

Exactly that, haha. Very recognisable indeed. Good luck!

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notalone

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Re: Not Alone: 2021
« Reply #44 on: January 27, 2021, 03:13:06 AM »
Tee, thank you. Your encouragement and support mean a lot to me.  :hug:
Mojay, I can use that strength and rest. Thank you.
Alter-eg0, appreciate your understanding.

Work today was fine. Probably a good distraction. I work tomorrow too. This evening feel very shaky. The memory that I will share soon is nearby. Sometimes feel the edge of terror. Took a xanax.