Not Alone: 2021

[Blueberry]

It's nice to see you back Not Alone  

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Snowdrop and Blueberry.

[Not Alone]

I've been pretty down lately. Don't want to go into all the details now. Anyway, I am sitting in the patio, listening to the rain and the cat is curled up on my lap. (She did protest with a meow when I sneezed.  ) It doesn't make it all better, but it does bring some comfort.

[Armee]

I adore your cat's indignation at your sneeze.

I'm sorry you are feeling down.

Hug? Or flowers? If you want them...






🌼🌼🌼

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope67]

Dear Notalone,
I have missed you, and I'm glad to see you back in the forum again.  I know you've been and are sad at the moment, and I am glad that your cat is bringing you some comfort.  I would also like to send you a hug of friendship and care    if you want to have one.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Armee. I accept the hugs and flowers. Hugging you back. 
for you, San.
Hope, thank you. I have miss you too. I always appreciate your caring hugs. 



There's so much going on, but when I start to write, it feels like too much to put in writing. Maybe I'll just write bullet points.

*Therapist owned his responsibility in something that was hurtful to me. Repair in relationship is happening.
*New detail (memory) in area of abuse.
*Emptiness in marriage is really loud and painful today.

[rainydiary]

Notalone, your post especially resonates right now.  I appreciate the list you made and that you put some thoughts out there.  I will be thinking of you as navigate these things.

[Armee]

 

I'm sorry you were hurt by something with your therapist. It happens but it can be very painful.

Sending you some support to get through the loud tough days of a disconnected lonely marriage. That must be really really sad feeling. Also sending support for the new memory detail.

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainydiary. I'm grateful for your support.

Armee, I appreciate your support. Yes, it is painful when hurt by therapist. He is being really honest about what happened in him and is taking responsibility for his part. That is so new and unknown to me that I hardly know what to do with that. I'm used to everything being put on me.


I had signed up to bring a treat to work this month. I forgot what day and I didn't put it on my calendar. I am somewhat in the "falling place" about it. I guess that means the "I'm a failure/incompetent road." I couldn't find the information online. I ignored the "I SHOULD know" and texted a co-worker and asked her. Such a minor thing, but it becomes so big and such a struggle to keep my head above the water and not go under. (While typing this, my co-worker responded and told me the day. Zero condemnation from her.)

[Armee]

Minor things feel so big to us because minor things were big deals in our families. We expect to be hated and punished and hurt for minor mistakes. I hope your coworkers continue to be positive toward you as they have been.

[Not Alone]

Minor things feel so big to us because minor things were big deals in our families.

Yes, that is for sure. Sometimes something minor had major consequences. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

What Armee writes makes so much sense, though I don't think I would have come up with that in so many words myself, so it's good you did, Armee

notalone, I also want to say  on contacting a colleague despite all that ICr / FOO stuff in your mind/feelings and I'm so glad that your colleague didn't condemn you in any way. Your forgetting was a minor thing, but I so understand the fear that it isn't and the fear of going under. I haven't really been following your Journal since you started work, but at least in this instance it sounds as if your new place isn't totally toxic and I am very happy for you! 

[Not Alone]

Not Alone wanted to talk to the people who wrote here and other places. I can't do it. maybe she will later.


this is . . . I can't tell you my name because it tells what they made me do. I will tell you my age. my age is 6-10. i guess i am 6 and 7 and 8 and 9 and 10. I don't know how we got home from session. i guess not alone drived. i ate icecream for dinner. later NA made me toast with peanut butter and a glass of milk.

i didn't want to leave my therapist. his face and his voice are kind. its funny because he did something that really hurt me. he was sorry. i could tell he was really sorry. there's more i could say, but that's talking about him and i don't think that would be fair. maybe because he was really honest with me and took sponisbility and didn't blame me at all that i trust him, maybe more than before. that's confusing.

he (my therapist) makes me really confused. he says im not bad. i don't even know how he can look at me.

today i was crying. he asked what i was feeling then he said it was okay if i didn't know. i could just feel what i was feeling. I just want to be with him. its hard not to be with him. i am trying to remember the look of compassion on his face.

i think i keep writing because i don't want to be alone. being alone is bad. hurts.

FROM: The Girl Who Is 6-10 (Not really my name, but I already explained why I can't tell my name)