Not Alone: 2021

Armee · December 12, 2021, 04:34:42 PM

I wish your husband was the kind who brought comfort. You deserve to have a partner who is there emotionally.

Not Alone · December 13, 2021, 12:00:22 AM

Snowdrop, Having to pretend everything was okay added to the trauma and to the crazy feelings. My H has expressed looking for the finish line for my trauma journey. It isn't linear and I believe that for me it will be a life-long journey.

Armee, thank you. It is painful to have a H who is mostly unavailable emotionally. I spent decades trying to create intimacy in our relationship. Now I know that H is incapable of deep relationship. As painful as that is, it is less painful than having the door slammed (metaphorically) in my face over and over. Now I am trying to know how to navigate the relationship. I am blessed to have others in my life who bring me comfort, including you and others on OOTS as well as others in my life. (To be honest and fair, there have been some times when my H showed me genuine care.)

Today was a pretty good day. I enjoyed church, got my shopping done, visited with my daughter and watched Christmas movies. I feel fairly prepared for the work week and not too anxious.

rainydiary · December 13, 2021, 01:34:52 AM

Not Alone, I'm glad your day was nourishing. I hope this week goes as smoothly as possible for you.

Not Alone · December 13, 2021, 01:45:29 AM

Thank you, Rainy Diary.

Not Alone · December 14, 2021, 02:29:53 AM

A house not far from me has a fairly extensive, drive-through Christmas display. I drove my Littles through it tonight. They delighted in the decorations.

rainydiary · December 14, 2021, 03:03:11 AM

I love this and am glad you did it for all parts of yourself.

Snowdrop · December 14, 2021, 06:14:31 AM

That's wonderful.

Hope67 · December 14, 2021, 08:14:46 AM

Hearing how you and your littles delighted in the Christmas decorations has warmed my heart today - and my Littles are excited about it. It's wonderful.
Hope

Not Alone · December 15, 2021, 12:25:39 AM

Rainy Diary, Snowdrop, & Hope. I wish I could take you with me to see the Christmas lights.

Tomorrow I volunteered at work to take over a task for 30 minutes. It is not a big deal, but I have some anxiety about it. Trying to keep the "shoulds" away also. ("I should be able to handle it. You shouldn't be anxious about this." etc.)

Thursday is the staff holiday party for work. I think it will be pretty low key. It is at someone's house and most people are coming on their own, not bringing a spouse. I've never felt comfortable in those situations although I think that I fake it pretty well.

I normally have a therapy session tonight, but T is out of town. I think that parts of me are feeling a little abandoned.

Armee · December 15, 2021, 05:01:26 AM

Hi 🙂

I feel uncomfortable at those types of events too. And awkward. I hope you find a few nice people to connect with.

I hate it when my T is gone and get really scared he is going to die and I won't know if he is ok or not. I even feel desperately clingy the first couple days after a session even if he isn't gone and even though I barely connect with him while I am there. Mines also gone next week, and was gone last week.

Silly trauma reactions. 🤪

Good luck with your work task tomorrow. Makes sense to me to be anxious, though I also believe you'll do a good job and it'll be ok.

Not Alone · December 15, 2021, 10:49:18 PM

Regarding work task, at work today, one of my co-workers said, "good-luck," in a "you're going to need it" tone. She later apologized and said she shouldn't have said it. It did make me feel like if things went badly, it wasn't all on me. The situation could be challenging. (I told her that.) It did increase my anxiety a little bit. (I didn't tell her that.) The situation went well, at least from what I could tell. Also, no moments of panic or big self-doubt on my part, so glad about that.

Quote from: Armee on December 15, 2021, 05:01:26 AM
I hate it when my T is gone and get really scared he is going to die and I won't know if he is ok or not.

Me too.

Not Alone · December 17, 2021, 03:17:30 AM

Work party went okay. I didn't feel like I belonged, but I didn't feel left out either. Felt mostly okay being there. I wonder if others there had some discomfort being in a social situation with those with whom they work.

Daughter has tested positive for covid. She's been sick. I'm worried, but not frantic.

rainydiary · December 17, 2021, 03:28:22 AM

Not Alone, I'm glad you made it to the other side of the party. I can't know for sure but I would imagine other folks feel discomfort in socializing with work people. I hope that your daughter feels better soon.

Armee · December 17, 2021, 03:29:53 AM

I'll be keeping your daughter in my thoughts and hoping her case stays mild. Sometimes it helps to have something to feel anxious about that feels more normal.

Not Alone · December 18, 2021, 12:05:57 AM

Thank you Rainy Diary and Armee.

I think I'm in a triggered state. Very down. Couldn't even fake a smile at work. Today, I had strong feelings of being left out at work, similar to what I experienced the first month or two of the job. Those feelings only have thin, loose ties to present reality.

Also am worried about my daughter.

H is now retired and will be home all the time.

I have somewhere to go tonight. I really just want to curl up in a ball.