Not Alone: 2021

[rainydiary]

I hope your event passes as quickly as it can and that you find some ease. 

[Armee]

I hope you got some time and space to curl up in a ball last night, after your event, and under a nice soft warm blankie.

Take care of yourself, Not Alone. It's OK to turn down some events if you feel overwhelmed by them. Don't forget how much your brain is trying to process right now with all these bad memories coming up. You are doing an amazing job going to work everyday and keeping the pain underwrap long enough to do that. 

Ugh I wish you had your own private apartment to escape to.

[Blueberry]

  I second Armee.

Much support to you Not Alone 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, Armee & Blueberry. Thank you for hearing and supporting me.

My event last night was a concert at church. It was good for my heart. Afterward, I did have some time with a blanket and a book.

I love Christmas movies. Right now I am watching A Christmas Carol, George C. Scott version. Lots of things on my "to do" list, but I'm trying to nurture myself too.

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
and I'm glad that you enjoyed the concert at the church.  Something good for your heart is wonderful.  I also love Christmas movies.  I hope to watch one soon as well. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Hope.

I told my H today that I wanted separate bedrooms. I feel upset about the conversation that we had. When I look back at what was said, I realize that my H didn't take responsibility for our lack of emotional intimacy, he pretty much put it on me. He also didn't step up and say, "Our relationship is broken. What can we do to begin to bring repair?" I didn't expect that so I'm not very disappointed. In a way, I guess it confirms the way I view our relationship, that is he has avoidant attachment. I also am partly wondering if he's right, is the brokenness my fault?

He said he needed time to pray/think about it. I told him that he has a history of "thinking" for days, weeks, even months. I asked how long he wanted. He said a month. I said there was no need to take a month. He said one week then.

I have some fear that H is going to tell me he wants a divorce. I guess that is unlikely, but it is still a fear.

[Armee]

 

That's a teally big step, Not Alone. I'm sorry the relationship is the way it is. It isn't your fault. He is emotionally non responsive and that is painful to experience when you are going through so much. You did good pushing for a shorter "thinking" period. His request to "think about it" for a month feels controlling, given he has no capacity to change.

[Blueberry]

Yes, I agree, that was a big step. Courageous too. And Good on you for then saying that a month was too long.   

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Armee & Blueberry. This is really hard and your support means a lot.

I don't think that his statement of needing a month was overtly controlling. From what I understand about Avoidant Personality, the belief/thought is, if you wait long enough, it (problem) will just magically go away. That's not a conscious thought, but a lifestyle of dealing (or not dealing) with issues.

H and I had a little more conversation this morning. I can see that he is hurt and probably angry. From the things he says, he's not looking at the possibility of him changing. He puts it all on me. "I'm not the kind of person who shows his feelings----------as much as you need."

I'm having to remind myself of what I've learned about avoidant. He is unwilling to look at himself or work on changing himself. How do I live in this situation in a way that is honoring and life-giving to me? Stay strong, Not Alone. You are not crazy or ALL to blame for the brokenness within the marriage.

This hurts. 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, I am glad you are taking steps that will help you feel supported in yourself.  I imagine it is very painful and I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. 

[Blueberry]

How do I live in this situation in a way that is honoring and life-giving to me? Stay strong, Not Alone. You are not crazy or ALL to blame for the brokenness within the marriage.

 
I hope you can feel lots of good vibes and support from here 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Rainy Diary and Blueberry. I do feel the support here and it means so much.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Snowdrop]

Sending you much love and support.

[Not Alone]

I got my covid booster earlier today. Now I'm not feeling well. Triggering. I need to figure out how to comfort the Littles.